I think I answered my own question.
This is me. Truly
I’d never considered this this time around.
St.1 has begun digging into things it’s never touched before. Like never, and this is round 3.
Should I do a 3rd cycle?
I know the answer
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I think I’m gonna final give this strat a shot tbh. Gives you the ability to go DEEP working on core goals, while also allowing you to explore your horizons and grow in new ways.
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Brave man.
If it gets too intense, take a week mid cycle on microloops. You’ll still get the effects but you won’t need to process SO MUCH so fast. That strat has saved my life this cycle.
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The reason I’m making such progress this time is that I’m doing 5 minute loops for all subs. 15 was too heavy.
With 5 minute loops, the sub gets to do a lot more. Less is more
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This is me.
I’m listening to classical Christmas music, processing what’s been happening today.
Studying for my CDL license on my phone. I’ve avoided it for years, and I have a physical for my job this Wednesday. I thought I could take the test the same day to get my CDL permit.
I began crying while studying. This is evidence of growth or blocks in my emotional state. The ticket to support (which caused most of my writing here today) was about my fear of failure. I’ve dodged and dismissed this license for 5 years now due to that trauma.
It’s like while studying I’m going back in time. I feel young. Even…safer.
Why am I doing this now?
- I actually have real personal support here.
- I just want to be lovable. People supporting me encourages me to give back wherever I can.
- I can love myself and believe in myself too. I’ve needed this.
Going back to studying now.
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That is really profound, dude!
Which programs do you think would be best to address this?
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I got a reply from support pointing to Regeneration, which I immediately considered. And for a day I planned on switching after this cycle.
But @Fractal_Explorer pointed out some well-known truths about using subliminals here.
Like when a sub is actually working, we often want to run. And that the desire to switch is a loud signal saying we should stay with it.
And I chose to listen. To trust someone who cares enough to share this. It’s all stuff that I’m seeing in multiple areas of my life. It’s been loud to me.
So I’ll be staying with St.1 for another cycle. I’ve wanted to avoid this, but St.1 has dug in deeper than it ever has. It’s been uncomfortable, but not overwhelming.
Just clearly different. Brand new. I’m not sure what it’s rearranging, but it has and is presently.
Case in point: I’ve avoided getting my commercial driver’s license (CDL) the whole 5 years I’ve been employed by the company I’m with. Progress, success, and growth have scared me (quitting on oneself was all I witnessed growing up).
Today I called and made my appointment to take the CDL permit test Wednesday.
Something’s changing inside 
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I also had a very honest and open discussion with my housemate when I got home. Our conversation shifted after I found out about his day. He focused on me, and I heard him. He’s 91 years old, has made his own mistakes, and regularly pushes me to make positive changes for myself.
I listened to him like I listened to @Fractal_Explorer. He cared enough to share what he saw. And I wanted to receive it.
I even broke into tears while he spoke a few times. Someone cared about me, and he’s shared I treat myself like shit. It’s hard to hide when someone reads you like a book.
This conversation lasted about an hour, as we both shared truths about our lives.
I didn’t see this coming.
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Day 16
Rest day. DR and AC last night
Something’s being uncovered.
I woke up feeling fearful. A part of me did not want to get up and face life. It is afraid of change.
This is the stuff I usually avoid, using loads of energy to dodge consistently.
Yeah. I’ll usually spend a whole day trying to avoid this. Flipping exhausting.
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Day 17
LBFH this morning, DR tonight
A friend who knows I’m on DR asked me how I was doing via email this morning. I’ve struggled putting who I am in any kind of box or understanding right now. I’m not in chronic pain or misery, no, nothing like that. I’d rather compare it to a strong force sometimes roughly, sometimes gently pulling back the guards to my awareness, as those guards have meant survival to me for many decades.
I wrote this:
"DR is working on me. I’ve been trying to put it in words. I’ll try now.
I’ve lived with shields protecting my awareness my whole life. DR is not forcing me to look, but it’s opening some doors while also reducing fears protecting me from seeing them.
This is slowly changing me to feel braver without trying. Like I’m just being me.
That’s where I am right now."
The fear I had of facing life isn’t as powerful as yesterday. As I remembered old times yesterday, old fears would come and sit in front of me, scaring me from expressing anything at all. From being me. From desiring to live free. That’s why it was just hell.
I realized DR is working on fear heavily.
Edit: And tears just broke rereading what I wrote. This is good since I’m not “stuck”, or without feelings.
I made some positive decisions today. I’m just asking “am I being completely honest with myself?”
I had my doctor’s appointment today, and despite my hopes, I’ve got 2 more visits to clear this off my plate. It was not “check this box and you’re good”. My doctor’s PA said I needed another EEG to confirm my no-seizure status for driving professionally, which we’ve scheduled for next week. Another visit, a week after, will make everything official.
This made me insecure since it really backlogs some financial plans I’ve been pursuing. I paid almost 200 out of pocket today (and this is with insurance). I’m unsure of the EEG cost, but my final visit will be another 200. Due to regular budget “emergencies” in my company, I’ve been capped at 45 hours as well. And my check today was a lot smaller than in previous weeks, me averaging 52+ hours a week.
Then, I rescheduled my CDL permit test for next week. I truthfully did not study much after my last statement I’d made here, and I didn’t want to walk in, possibly fail, and try to hide and lie. So, I rescheduled it. I’m going to study after writing this.
But…I’m in my own way again. Fearing something. Not sure what. But it scares the F out of me.
I’ve been following the NR thread, and I’m impressed by all it does. I almost bought it today. I hesitated, wondering “am I trying to run again?” It seemed TOO easy, so I didn’t give in.
But I’m tired of being a slave to this fear. I’m literally in my own way.. SC has come up with so many products this last year, and I wondered what I was attracted to. I remembered having a goal mindset on Genesis, and I actually began wondering what I could actually DO. Doing something, even the smallest thing, is how I move past my blocks. Without a goal, I usually just flounder.
Midday, I went on the SC site, pulling up DRLD. It promotes calculated risk-taking as well. I wanted to change my mindset NOW, though I knew I’d have to be patient, but proactive. I read through the sales page, knowing persistence with any sub is key. I turned on DRLD for 5 minutes.
And I’m strongly considering sticking with this with DR. I’ve been in my own way, year after year. And…I doubt and question myself constantly. Those negative voices begin shooting me down almost immediately.
And 5 minute loops have worked well for me. I’m not overloaded, which has been my major issue in years past.
Am I wrong? Am I off? It’s very hard asking that…since (I am) judging myself harshly before anyone else does.
I realized why I’m all flustered and anxious. I’ve been busy contacting my health insurance provider (2 different providers). I’ve been overly anxious.
I’m scared of failing anybody and everybody. I’m attempting to make my trader, my employer, and even anyone here happy with me. So I won’t have failed again.
That’s what’s running my life.
Careful with DRLD. It can be really heavy.
I know the frustration of wanting to be beyond what holds you back. But you have to be careful not to try to brute force it and land yourself in more trouble.
Having said that I have no idea how it stacks with DR in general. So it could be a good outcome.
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I have no idea either.
Day 19
LBFH this morning
I chose LBFH this morning. I felt like I was forcing something when I considered DRLD.
In terms of progress, the lid’s been opened on my trauma. I’m sensitive now. I overreacted yesterday to a friend asking to know my story.
I couldn’t even go there. I couldn’t think in third person. I was in it. Most of the social person I am is made up so you’ll like me. The traumatized self only thinks in emotional survival. BS and smokescreens have no value or purpose.
I saw myself in my head flashing knives with both hands. And words were how I communicated. I felt dangerous.
Defensive. I was very defensive
Just did 7 minutes of St.1, and a thought came to my awareness.
I always ask for permission, almost for anything
The thought was “why do I do that?”
Day 1 of washout
I’m struggling. Feeling very vulnerable. I reacted strongly today, and I feel guilt and sorrow over it.
I’ve been sharing pieces of my DR journey with a friend online, and as DR has been tearing away my old normal, I’ve seen him react…very appropriately if one wasn’t familiar with trauma. And he’s not.
I’d responded to an invitation to share more today, and before even leaving work, I sat down and explained my normal thinking in writing, explaining how the traumatized kid in me often shouts out his demands because it’s all survival to him. I let him know that kid is probably ages 2 through 8, and he runs me when he’s really scared, like when DR unearths something.
I shared this so I wasn’t hiding anything and to show my intentions.
He responded with a boorish adult mindset, dismissing my thinking and sharings, as if I could turn it off at will. The message left me feeling all alone. It cut me.
I responded quickly and angrily. He’d invalidated everything I shared, and I shut him off. I then send a one word email: Goodbye.
30 minutes later, feeling great sorrow and regret, I replied I was sorry I hurt him, but I wouldn’t share these important parts with him anymore. He’s my trader, so I’ve got business dealings with him.
Fuck. I’ve never done that before in real life. I’ve imagined it many times with different characters, but I’ve never actually cut someone off like that. It hurts since I’ve clung to relationships to not feel alone and abandoned (a lot, actually). I usually set things up where people will pull away from me, but I’ve never done this before.
Growth? Maybe. Growing pains–definitely. I’ve thought and felt myself to be a young boy when I’m real–which is why adult activities like job promotions and gains have always eluded me. This just hurts right now.
I also reopened a support ticket last night since Regeneration was advised in their last reply. I asked for a possible plan on how to work into Regeneration. It started after I wrote this last night:
I realized I’ve followed anyone’s advice since I’ve not trusted my own, which I see as a result of surviving trauma. I even shared this in the ticket and realized that yes, I was seeking their permission in my ticket. However…
A conflicting truth: I’m seeing DR allowing these feelings and struggles to pop up. Yesterday, I was swimming with some pain and fear, and then…I felt slightly better, like I was over that specific pain. For me, there’s nothing better than feeling some lifelong chains snap in my life.
Maybe…nah…it is time to grieve some. I’ve cried and slept some today. Wishing to grow up someday.