Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#163

Day 6
Rest day

I’m gonna share something which I’m seeing more now. It’s sappy for me. But it’s good change.

I took a walk through my neighborhood about an hour ago. I’m noticing little changes popping up in my thinking–and this amazes me.

I walked the back route, not seeking attention, even wanting to hide. I noticed myself looking down when considering seeking a woman’s attention while she drove by. That’s a clear sign DR is working on me.

And then I saw in my mind a pattern I’ve followed. I’ll put on the smile and the bs front that I’m all good. I imagined me doing my norm of putting on the fake mask so you’d see that, and not me, the true me.

I then suddenly felt something more desirable. Without any internal battle at all, I allowed myself to be me. To be true. And to be honest with everyone, myself as well.

I love it when these new possibilities show up. Makes me tear up now. Good change is happening, even amidst the internal chaos. It’s truly a beautiful experience.

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#164

Day 7
Rest day

Good morning. Thinking about something I’ve struggled with using SC subs, which is taking action. It’s been highly recommended, and I’ve felt like I was dodging and hiding from whatever action meant on healing titles.

I finally got it. Not comfortably, but I get it.

I’m starting to gradually live in reality. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life hiding out from people, situations, and even possible realities, and it only bred more fear and avoidance. DR has slowly exposed me to seeing what’s true in my life, and that has been an adjustment, meaning recon.

Taking action on DR means attempting to accept things which aren’t nice, which aren’t fully pleasant, and damn, some things which others follow which I don’t, like political or religious beliefs. They’re not true for me, but I also don’t need to hide myself in a bubble. I don’t need to check out.

To sum up my personal understandings, hiding out is becoming more uncomfortable for me. Accepting realities around me, and within me, is seeming more desirable.

This is happening for me, a step at a time.

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#165

It’s definitely not easy. But once you start letting this stuff go you’ll see how much energy goes into maintaining that wall to keep those things out of conscious awareness. Once that energy frees up you can use it to take bigger action. This is really good progress.

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#166

I’m seeing it this morning. A lot.

This is my 3rd time I’ve started replying.

Lots of processing happening.

#167

I am in a really different spot. Very very different.

I’m used to hiding in my room on weekends since I don’t trust my housemate much at all.

And part of me, a more courageous and risk taking part, wants to actually explore.

He is even baking a chicken. He wanted to have a meal together today.

My norm has been safe. And my not-norm is inviting.

It makes no sense since safe is always structured. This isn’t. I’m gonna go explore

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#168

I just had dinner with him. Peaceful.

But 30 minutes later I’m alone in my room. I’m writing since I just realized something. It made me cry.

Safe, to me, means I keep everyone away from my heart. Noone gets in.

I’ve been scared to open my heart, yet something which protects it is dropping away. My normal guards are weaker.

The reason I hang on to these guards is grief and tender vulnerability is right underneath. I used to feel this regularly in my 20’s. I’m not sure what’s happening.

#169

Just writing this.

I have clean laundry in the dryer. I don’t want to fold it since… that’s closure. Part of me doesn’t want this.

I think I equate this external closure with appearances that I’m healed inside. And I’m not.

I really think I’m avoiding cleaning the outside stuff since the inside is in the norm of chaos.

And I feel the guardian wall falling too.

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#171

Day 8
LBFH this morning

I’m so surprised that LBFH is working well.

My kidney was still hurting bad from a kidney stone yesterday, and I’m feeling stiff and locked up again this morning.

I’ve not felt worthy of caring for myself. Even with LBFH run lately, I’ve just not felt worthy of loving myself. There. I said it.

I’m receiving a strong herbal supplement today from Amazon, so this issue isn’t endless. I also realized I’m backed up. I haven’t gone in days. That compounds the kidney pain since if one system isn’t working right, it pushes more waste through the other pathways.

I mention this since I wasn’t going to call out. I’m actually considering it now.

#172

I called out. With imaginary fears and self-doubts screaming at me

#173

DR and AC an hour ago

Where I am today

I’m really afraid of failing myself. I was in a bit of pain before noon, a kidney stone working its way out. And I realized I blame myself too easily when I’m in pain.

And I subsequently began avoiding possibilities of failure. I stayed in my room.

The thing I’m avoiding is the grief I feel. I let out a little today. Part of me is still holding on to old beliefs. I only cried once or twice.

I’m basically looking for a reality without pain, which isn’t reality.

I, too, am searching for that personal foundation @James. I remember seeing some growth after St.2 while running DR last time. It felt good remembering it.

I don’t have answers. I only have uncomfortable nudges. I’m gonna go reopen my last support ticket.

That ticket was me asking what subs or modules would help me face my fear of failure. That bad belief is still crippling my life. :angry:

@Sub.Zero

Edit. Ticket reopened.

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#174

Day 9
Rest day

I got up during the night to use the bathroom, and I had a gentle nudge that I’m still hiding behind masks.

No drama, no shame, no fear. Just a nudge. Ok.

#175

My thinking is active, as I am seeing and digging into things I hold on to.

I’m home again due to a kidney stone, and I’m imagining my housemate criticizing me for staying home again.

When I dropped my own internal drama, I realized I’m afraid I’ll allow him in. And he could be anyone. I’ve used the same childhood defenses my whole life.

The same ones I used to avoid memories of the traumas. It looks like “STAY AWAY”. I distance myself socially and emotionally.

What actually hurts now is the realization that I distance myself with my mind. I hide from me. I did this in jobs successfully, but the one hurt was me. I’d feel this uncomfortableness, and I’d ignore it initially. But hours later, maybe by the end of the shift, I’d actually be looking for that “STAY AWAY” mentality. I’d crave to not LIE anymore!

I still use this, even here. That’s the main reason I don’t write others often. I can be the “person you like”, but 99% of the time, I’m not being true to myself. I’m definitely not being honest with others.

I’m uncomfortable since I’m not sure who I am.

Truth: I just felt the fear making that statement. I DO know who I am. I’m just terrified you’ll hurt me if I allow you to know me.

That’s what I’m trying to accomplish using SC subs. I’m trying to heal without retraumatizing myself

#176

How are you, mate?

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#177

Well, I’d like to share some progress :wink:

This morning I couldn’t bend down or stay down to put my shoes on. I was too tender to even do that, so I called out.

And I started on an herbal formula which I read about on a health info site. I began last night and doubled up today, following some reviewer’s admissions.

Less discomfort.

But I even couldn’t put on tennis shoes and socks to take a walk. Walking moves the blood, and I accepted that this might help move the stone after finding relief last Tuesday, leaving work on foot to a bus stop.

I was standing in my room facing a mirror, remembering often pacing my room in the last place I lived. I began walking in place, and it felt nice. I did it for 10 minutes or so, feeling my heart rate rising.

It’s still not passed, but I knew I was actively seeking solutions. Sitting in the victim mindset never even occurred to me.

And THAT is a monumental victory for me! The stone’s not passed, yet I’m making strides toward positive changes in my life :grin:

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#178

On an emotional level, an exciting one for me…

After I wrote you @RVconsultant, I got up and began walking in place here in my room. I even began to jog in place. It felt really good since I’ve been on my back for a few days.

I also felt good about myself. I was doing what I wanted to do plus what I needed to do simultaneously.

And a minute into this, tears began streaming down my face. I was letting go of something, and I recognized it.

Crying now, I’ve thought I was the last person worthy of self-love and a good life. I’ve felt so trapped by the internal orders saying “NO!”

Release is sooo refreshing. Grieving is good, from my perspective, since I’ve held almost everything in for so long.

This has been a good day for me, tears and all of it.

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#179

I’m about to drop in ɓed. I need to share a little truth.

I’ve painted my housemate out like he is so bad, so evil, so mean. I’ve made him out like…
someone he’s not.

I went out of my room 2 hours ago, and again, I had no experiences like I’ve written of here.

He was courteous, not complaining, and not emotionally dangerous like I projected on to him.

I was wrong.

I’ve judged him.

I’ve most likely have been hurting him using unspoken judgments, but have ignored this.

I wasn’t right in how I’ve spoken of or treated him. I need to change this.

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#180

Day 10
DR at about 1AM

I feel weird. I didn’t sleep well. I’m not sure why. So I listened to DR thinking it may zonk me out. Not a hard sleep, but enough.

I’m kind of scared. Before DR, I kind of sensed this inner restlessness was a full-body sadness needing to be let out.

It is. I just know it. I’m only restless/tense since I’m holding it in.

The weird part, for me, is that I’m celebrating inside. I’m glad this is upon me. And even writing that line…brought up tears.

That’s weird to me. Unknown. Even exciting. And ironic to the core.

#181

And the biggest good challenge I’m facing?

Being real. With the right people, I know tears will fall

#182

Day 11
Rest day

Why do I paint myself as being so powerless?

I’m scared. I didn’t grow up with anyone who believed they had any power. I grew up thinking someone else would believe you had it and magically bestow it upon you.

That would happen in school. I got good at the school game. I enjoyed it. But success there was not sought out too much since…

I didn’t want people to know how worthless I believed I was. I ended up doing nothing more than hiding. In high school I ended up hanging around geeks since noone sought them out.

My life’s been nothing more than hiding. I’ve hidden from me. I’ve hidden from you. Security to me has meant isolation. Period. End of story.

That’s been me at my core. I’ve hidden everything inside. This is how I’ve viewed life so far.

But something’s digging in, and I’m seeing it. Love, an unfamiliar guest, sits near me. I see a cat (in my mind). Gentle. Not aggressive. It’ll accept my attention, but it doesn’t demand it. But when I reach out and touch it, I feel something in me. I sense something strange, but oh, so desirable.

I want this. The problem lately has been a growing awareness of grief inside. I desire it. I’m also afraid of it. There’s so much emotion.

Me. I feel stuck. I’m in a familiar spot. Gotta accept that grief. I thought it would overwhelm me.

Old familiar spots. Hmm.

Edit. I did 30 seconds of LBFH

#183

I’ve had a day unlike anything I’ve ever experienced on DR or any other sub.

It’s felt like my psyche is breaking. Like I’m looking through my usual eyes, and milliseconds later I’m seeing how I’m hiding from myself.

I can see and feel the dissonance. I usually never see that. Today I am.

I’m going through it. Just living like I normally do brings this up.

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