Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#143

The solutions he offered in that single page you posted had healing possibilities.

I know Saint and Fire used to have scripting where we’d face challenges to grow. But Walkers suggested slow exposure to old trauma scenarios while knowing and realizing that we’re adults now.

I actually kind of miss that scripting. It was the hardest things to face, but upon doing so, I’d realize “I MADE IT!”

Sidenote: Just writing that last sentence made me automatically connect with the first line in the paragraph you posted: “I usually find that this work involves a considerable amount of grieving”

Me being excited automatically makes me feel stuff I’ve just not allowed for so long. Excitement switched to grief in an instant.

Thanks for sharing this. Seeing this without outside connections usually just makes me go in circles, figuratively.

And right after…anger. “How the F*** did I get into this?!!” My life sounds like his explanation of the traumatized child’s come-and-go feelings.

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#144

I’m also thinking of major points he speaks of. Like self abdication.

Code word for rejecting my wants, needs, or rights as a person. So. Very. True.

Right before writing this, I got an email from my crypto miner, as we’ve been trading for many months now. I usually just give up any/all loose funds so we meet our goal. He asked what my plans were since I just got paid. I…hesitated since I’ve rarely…repeat rarely…had many or any personal boundaries in this. I held back $50 for myself, due to thinking about me giving up my rights constantly. And I feel guilty…and afraid of criticism and rejection (here in the forum). All that unneeded chaos which can keep me frozen…or DAMN…

I usually just fawn like he says. I think of how I act in real life. I giggle like a kid when under pressure. Seek mercy from others (VERY VERY often). Seek scraps of affection or attention. I don’t fight or flee usually. I still freeze occasionally, but most often, my assertiveness looks like “will you love me if I’m nice to you?” I face them…softly. Being soft has been how I’ve survived emotionally around others since childhood.

And I wanted to make a joke here at the end since I’m fearful of f***ing airing this. But I live like this (tears broke in that sentence. Grief)

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#145

Walker’s suggestions are essential imo. I find a lot of value in these subliminals but they aren’t a substitute for qualified mental health professionals.

The best way I can explain why help is essential from my own personal experience. It’s like trying to find a solution from within a survival system that will do everything to have you not move to that solution. That means everything gets turned on its head. Things that feel good aren’t good, things that feel bad are good for you. The guidance system is all out of wack. That can result in dropping subliminals that were making significant changes that help you, it can result in doing things that feel “authentic” but are old trauma responses, it can mean putting yourself into VERY familiar situations that you absolutely hate but still happen, it can probably result in interpreting the scripts of the subliminals from your survival system and choosing what is “safe” to execute vs not. Which is fantastic for not causing a lot of recon, but it really drives the point home that change comes from within and the subs can’t force change. They work from your already established internal system. It can make you feel like driving your head through a brickwall because every direction is confusing.

It’s really complicated. A lot of us don’t have the ability to step outside ourselves and without external feedback or differing perspectives on our thoughts, beliefs, and patterns of interactions we can get caught in self referential feedback loop that goes nowhere.

So imagine trying to manage ALL of that. Day in day out, on your own, with no support. And then on top of that all the other challenges in life you might be trying to tackle or succeed in. It’s burn out central man. I thought for years this was a common experience of people and they just learned to manage or overcome it better than me. But some people just don’t have it, it’s not in their reality. Their internal system is primed for experience. Subs in → action out, dead simple.

I just needed to post that because if you really relate to the things Pete Walker is talking about a professional can really help offload the crushing weight of having to figure this out on your own. Trying to reinvent the wheel for recovering from trauma on your own eats up a lot of time and energy. Having someone who’s been through it with numerous others, knows the patterns, knows what you need when maybe you don’t, and can help make your target goals easier to achieve is a win all around. I wish I did it years ago.

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#146

Thank you for taking the time to write that.

Being honest, last night when I read it, I took on your thinking that we’d foul up any good change were we without a therapist, and I began expecting myself to self sabotage any move I made. I began to mistrust myself

So I slept on it. I’d listened to 5 minutes of St.1 before reading your reply.

And I’m glad I slept on it. I woke up without desires to hide and just sabotage my day. That was a real change for me.

Now, regarding professional counsel of some type, I agree that outside imput helps us with our blind spots.

My hold-up (one of them really) has been seeing them as the destructive “parent” I was raised with. While writing that, I remember having no voice. And I edited every word I had so I’d receive some love. So, I rarely was real. Lying was survival.

That comes into therapy rooms. Which is why I began seeking male figures.

I’ve got to start work soon so I’ll wrap this up.

I’ve been curious about different avenues for outside help. Fear is big. And I don’t want to kick my ass due to fear.

Fear and grief are running me now, so I’m going to jump off now

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#147

I didn’t mean to bring in that level of self doubt, but sometimes it’s good to shake things up a bit. Survival systems are very much habit and it can be easy to get stuck in routines and habits that don’t serve us.

One thing I want to point out though is it’s helpful to get rid of the idea of self sabotage from a more negative perspective. It’s not your mind trying to destroy happiness. It’s just your mind keeping you safe. From the systems perspective it’s doing all the right things it learned, that’s it. You had no control over how this developed. There’s a lot of guilt and shame we hold for behaviors we never even contributed to and that’s the hard part. Letting go of that inner criticism can be really difficult because it seems so justified.

Regarding outside help. Yeah it’s very scary. A therapist seems like someone that is there to tear down your survival system. But a good one has seen it all. What you see as a barrier to help (lying) they see as part of the process and will encourage you to work through and not let that serve as a block to growth.

The overall goal of my post was just to shed some light on how difficult this stuff can be, not to bring in a level of fear about your day to day functioning. The fact is we don’t know the whole picture of what goes on in our minds and digging for it can present more problems.

To sum up. If you’ve been ok with how things are going in life and meeting your own goals and desires, no real need for therapy. But if it feels like you’re caught in a loop, just surviving, clinging to safety, and it’s been a long pattern it can be helpful to see someone.

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#148

@Fractal_Explorer, I felt like I’d been rude to you in my words this morning. I’m sorry for being crass to you. I was triggered, but it’s because my normal defenses and emotional distancing isn’t working. I’ve been more vulnerable. I treated you unfairly.

And I’m having a difficult time right now, and for the last few hours. I am uncomfortable since I’ve realized I’ve been pulling away from people. I’ve been avoiding eyes, and I’m slowly feeling a fear of people knowing me. In short, a fear of being vulnerable.

@RVconsultant, I’m thinking of doing 3 or 5 minutes of LBFH tomorrow in place of Ascension. Today I’ve been thinking of your suggestions you’ve given me while on DR. (I still have little experience with Elixir. I’m just wondering … if and how it’ll work. I’d like your opinion) It’s my rest day, but I did 6 minutes of Sanguine 2 hours ago. I started with 5 minutes, but followed a nudge for more, then stopped at 6. (I’m doing MWF loops only, 5 minutes each, except for the full AC loop on Mondays)

And I then second-guess myself. My survival strategies are in full swing, and I realize…I’m trying to keep up old images…which may not be true. This counters with a fear of being truly honest with some people, and…I almost numb out. Emotional overwhelm.

I’ve not had tears today. I’ve actually avoided moments of feeling them since the instant defense is anger, another taboo emotion for me, being honest. I feel like I can’t even love myself since the “justice” I demand wants full control (I think).

I’m in emotional overload, like it wants to come out, but my subc says “that’s not how we stay SAFE. Must be invisible.”

On a hopeful positive note, maybe the real me is trying to come out. I feel like it’s a stranger in me though. He’s not familiar. Hope I’m not creeping anyone out.

And I just remembered something positive which I experienced today. One coworker I’ve known since I began working with my company in 2015. He saw me and asked how I was doing. I was feeling low, and I said something not true like “I’m ok right now”, and he looked at me. And asked again. I felt my walls wanting to drop some, and I told him something was on my mind, and it was bothering me. He said he’d call me tonight since I needed to air this out with someone, anyone.

He’s not called, but I’ll call him now.

#149

Nah you’re good. You were exercising your boundaries. In that moment it might have been too much for you and that’s fine. You don’t owe an apology for taking care of your needs. I’ve met some rude ass people and that was the furthest thing from rude.

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#150

That’s it right there.

#151

I know I’m facing life with kid glasses, and DR encourages me to take them off. However, I’m feeling like a kid, but now I’m seeing things…which don’t jive with my normal thinking.

My normal thinking has depended on not seeing, not knowing, and ultimately, not being connected with the world. Ignorance of it.

But my heart’s about to break since walls are falling and I’m seeing people, people I’ve been scared to see and really know. People I could come to know and care about. People I could love…and be honestly loved by.

Yeah, lots of tears too. Because I’ve been the one who’s been holding up these walls. That’s what makes me sad.

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#152

Day 5
LBFH now, DR tonight

Afraid to speak. So used to holding the truth in.

Hiding has been an escape, a relief, and also a jail cell.

I sense some tears today. Words aren’t needed

#153

When I was running DR, and when the title was called The Elixir, I would run The Elixir to get relief from any reconciliation that DR was giving. I’m guessing LBFH, LB, Sanguine, or Sanguine: The Elixir could be used in a similar way. Do you have any of those already?

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#154

I have all of those.

I went to my downloads page the night I wrote that post, finding only SE. I then recalled the sales page saying it was replacing Elixir.

So, I reread SE’s sales page. It has elements of Sanguine, Elixir, and LBFH combined. Plus transmutation, something I highly valued while using Genesis.

But does it mix well with DR? Would it be too much?

I’m doing 5 minute loops right now. And I split up listening times so it reduces recon. I listened to 5 minutes of LBFH this morning, and I’m going to listen to 5 minutes of DR St.1 after writing this.

The result so far has been more integration of the script. More actual processing too.

I assumed it would be too much. And I’ve been focused on my own journey, so I’ve not been reading other’s journals much.

What’s the general consensus for mixing DR and SE?

#155

Submit a support ticket, mate. There are only theories and the experts know best.

#156

No thanks Voytek. I don’t like being dismissed like that.

I closed my last ticket myself after a week of not hearing back. I ended up blaming and punishing myself for hoping someone cared, and closing it stopped the self punishment. Unrealistic expectations hurt me. I won’t do that again.

And your efficient reply was taken the same way. Cold and dismissive.

I’m working through my pain of being rejected and ignored by those expected to love and guide me. That’s my stuff. I was triggered by your response, and that’s my responsibility. I tend to have unrealistic expectations of others, and DR is pointing that out.

I’m also thinking of @Fractal_Explorer’s reply that I’m asserting my boundaries, which is very new since DR is encouraging it.

To sum it up, this is only my second clash with others in my life since restarting DR. I avoid confrontations like the plague normally, and I still have one I need to do in real life. I’ve avoided it for months.

#157

Too bad. I’ve asked about one product once and I got an excellent reply five days later:

As far as I know there’s no general consensus for mixing DR and SE. There’s only a speculation that it could be superfluous but I don’t buy it. I would go with the ticket, mate.

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#158

Thanks Voytek. I definitely wasn’t expecting that response

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#159

My anger and my “no” were essentially snuffed out at a young age. I feared the absolute worst in showing my anger here. Fears like social outcasting, retaliation, anything bad.

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#160

For what it’s worth I’ve been running SE and I absolutely would not pair this with DR, but that’s just me. It’s pulling up a lot of stuff for me to work on along with my custom and WB.

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#161

I think the only way to truly know is to try.

Of all these:

which one seems the most gentle or soothing to you? Perhaps start with that one to see how well it alleviates any recon.

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#162

I did 3 minutes of Sanguine today, my rest day. No felt difference, but I’m realizing looking for distinct effects is counterproductive. But yesterday I did LBFH in the morning, and I had a clear manifestation within an hour. I wasn’t looking for it, but I really took it in when it happened.

I own a scooter and drove it into work yesterday in the early AM. I’ve looked on scooter forums, and I’ve found the issue of my low headlight brightness to be pretty common for my model, so I’ve not had an issue with it. I drive maybe 8 miles to work on straight roads, and the main highway is not well lit since no businesses are close.

I was driving, and I stay in the right lane so cars are free to pass me. I noticed something, and it touched me. A car had slowly passed me on the left, and he slowed down, which isn’t normal. He was ahead of me, but he kept up with me for a mile or two. I sensed he was allowing his car headlights to light the road in front of me. I sensed an intentional kindness from someone I’d never meet. I found it the most caring gesture.

That may or may not be associated with recon and healing, but I teared up while writing that. Love allows change to happen. I think…no, I know…that the old unloving messages I’ve lived by cause me the most pain and recon when I pursue healing. LBFH addresses those issues pretty directly for me, and I’ll keep it as my 3rd sub. DR, Ascension, and LBFH.

I’ll follow @Fractal_Explorer’s guidance about SE. I know the newer technology has a lot more power, and that was one of my main concerns about adding it. I had a similar experience with DR:LD, using it for a full loop months back before starting DR. That’s some strong recon, and I’m not looking for more. It deserves its own space and time, and I’ve been following @Michel’s experience with it. It’s very encouraging.