Day 21
Rest day
Day 1 of washout
I did Ascension yesterday morning to avoid recon during the day. Success achieved.
I did 5 minutes of St.1 last night with AC. I woke up sad, yet grateful. I felt like I am letting go of stuff I’ve wanted and needed to let go
My bodily tensions are loosening up too.
Sleeping on this sub is highly impactful.
This change is affecting me. I’m early to work, waiting to clock in. Work is a place where I usually enjoy taking control. I’m also caffeinated now too.
I control a lot internally, and part of me is not ok with the “all or nothing” thinking.
All or nothing has been my default mode to handle uncertainties. I usually swim in the issue or completely ignore it. In recent years, avoidance has been chosen often.
But neither choice actually works.
I just realized that I might start facing life more, and I felt an inner “WTF?!!!”
Healthy recon.
I’ve not seen DR working on this. I was wrong.
I’m doing some deliveries, and I stopped at a house with 2 older ladies. It was a pleasant visit.
But upon returning to my truck, I felt it. I felt like I was a disappointment. Old beliefs surfacing
It’s 30 minutes later, I stopped for a drink, and I’m crying while writing this.
Something’s hitting home.
The backstory on this I sent in a support ticket about 2 days ago. My last sub, Genesis, made me aware how afraid of failure I was. It is the reason why life got so small with not seeking relationships or meaningful ambitions. I sought possible direction with customs or store titles to deal with this.
I grew up trying to earn my mom’s love, and as a kid, I naturally thought something was wrong with me since…she didn’t (or couldn’t) simply love me. I took responsibility for her choices, the one thing young kids do easily.
When I was with those ladies in the post above, I found myself wondering what they saw when they spoke to me, and that’s when the feeling surfaced. I usually ride on other’s esteem of me, but without me doing much but being myself, DR opened me up. I felt like a disappointment as I was departing, though our conversation had been very positive. I was actually remembering being with my own mother, and I cried a few times today while driving. As a child, I felt I’d been bad. It’s an empty, painful feeling I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
I’ve wondered how much I’ve dismissed subliminal results, having realized I’ve been circling core issues… But I am still open from today.
And I’d not seen this coming. Not at all.
Day 2 of washout
Just needing to share. I’m scared of my sadness–since I usually bury it, run away from it, avoid it.
I’m scared of it since I usually fail to deal with it. Living out what I saw growing up.
God help me to actually face this. To allow healing
Day 3 of washout
I’ve been feeling powerless lately as these memories of my past have been popping up. Me freezing up emotionally is a regular occurrence.
I realized I was seeking some control in my dreams last night. While feeling sad or scared I was looking for solutions so fear wouldn’t win.
I even didn’t want to write this originally since I equated sharing with giving my power away. There’s a major connection right there.
Something’s happening which is unfamiliar. Desired, yes. Inspiring too. Just not normal.
I came home, thinking I’d isolate and–hide from what’s bugging me–but it’s not happening like that.
I’m so used to hiding in some fantasy world (movies, music, any entertainment really), and I found myself sharing an honest email on a SC support ticket.
I’m facing normal reconciliation between my past (and hiding from it) and my present (taking responsibility for my life).
It just feels so strange.
I like facing it since it takes so much pressure off myself when I don’t lie to myself.
Day 4 of washout
I emailed a buddy of mine last night, mainly attempting to discern what was actually bugging me in this washout.
His reply hit me, because I’ve been living like this since childhood.
“I think you scared of not being cared for in the long run”.
Last day of washout
I’m experiencing good recon. Multiple changes have shown up today.
DR and Ascension constantly push me the right direction. And truthfully I’m often telling them NO. NO WAY I’M DOING THAT.
Which is why I’ve avoided major change. I’ve been too damn scared to really look beyond my supposedly safe boundaries mostly due to fear of rejecting myself. That’s a habit I’ll call normal for me.
But an hour ago I was helping my housemate put groceries away after I’d taken him shopping. I found myself pulling away from him internally–and I’ve been ignoring this. I’ve felt it for a few days.
What clicked is that Ascension is pushing me to let go of other’s demands to cater to anything they want.
I finally walked away without guilt or incident at all. But what quickly rose up was sadness that I wasn’t playing by the same rules. That’s what made me realize Ascension is at work.
A month or two back I wrote that Ascension had me find my mental independence when I used it for months in 2018. I recognized that feeling today.
That’s real hidden gold to me.
I wonder if Submodel Alpha is in Ascension. The last 2 days I’ve imagined conversations that never even happened. Both were confrontational situations where I normally don’t engage.
But doing so made me prepare mentally and made me feel more confident.
I mention this since I never do this myself. But it definitely gives me courage and confidence to move forward.
Rest day. New cycle tomorrow
I’m definitely seeing Ascension working today.
I’m feeling calmer and more confident in regards to my housemate. Since moving in just months ago, I adopted a weak, or rather a victim mindset. He’s stubborn and loud, and I fell into a little boy mindset. In other words, I thought it my job to make sure he’s happy.
And this triggered memories of growing up trying to make my alcoholic mother happy. There are probably good things in this setup. Like me not wanting to face this. Living here and choosing DR as my main sub definitely helped me face it.
And adding Ascension confronts the same issues with clarity, since Mom was not masculine, and problems abounded since… yes, I had expectations for her to show me what a man was. Of course, that never happened.
Living with a strong male figure allows me to be more masculine myself since I feared showing that around my Mom, and likewise with all other females.
I find myself adjusting easier than I’d expected to.
This is good. It’s awesome actually
Day 1
Ascension this morning, DR tonight
I’m home due to a kidney stone.
I’m writing since I just felt something powerful, something I’ve never really felt.
My housemate has his TV’s blaring, his normal stint when I’m not here. I’ve got earplugs in, and I still hear the news drama. People talking 90 mph, but saying absolutely nothing.
What I felt was anger at my own father, the man I never knew growing up. My housemate pisses me off regularly since I feel anger and rage towards that invisible, untouchable man, my own dad. He didn’t try to love me. It hurts.
I’ve spent my life dressing it up, avoiding my feelings, avoiding truth. Hurting, even blaming myself for it.
Thank God DR doesn’t stop working during washouts.
This is important to me.
I realized anger and pain this morning after running Ascension. My reality wasn’t shaken. So I thought.
I buried any lingering emotions, mostly out of habit.
I tried to hide in movies, and in fantasies of wealth after reading wealth journals here. I’m curious about HOM due to its social benefits. Also the wealth focus and training. I bought that sub years back. I’ve never used it.
But a scared but angry part of me still was fantasizing about escaping. I turned on some YT videos about people getting caught up in cults. I’d watch 5-10 minutes of one and switch to another.
Something I heard in a video stuck with me. A girl who had escaped one realized she was very vulnerable when some cult members found her. Being in emotional need made her open to any kindness. She was lured in that way.
I realized I was feeling open to such all or nothing thinking, as I’ve been in complete control most of my life. I felt attracted to allowing someone else to love… and control me. I even realized it was difficult to switch back to controlling myself. I thought of antagonists here who claimed SC was using mind control in their subs. I AM NOT MAKING THAT CLAIM.
I’m saying I think I understood their thinking. If I don’t want to be responsible for myself, all it takes is pointing fingers and blaming others.
I have done that to give me some sense of purpose, as short as it was. I felt powerful, though briefly.
I listened to DR and AC shortly after that. It pulled me out of that powerless mindset.
I used to blame and point fingers at my wife. I did it with my mom mostly–as I thought she should (bad word there) equip me to be a man.
No wonder I’ve had hidden resentment towards women in general. That rage I’ve whitewashed time and time again, over and over.
The rage I’ve held inside is me thinking I’m a little boy and unreasonably expecting a woman to make me feel accomplished, to make me feel more like a man.
That’s f***ed up thinking for any adult male. But it was the little boy leading me.
I’m really, really grateful DR addresses these very issues. Making the boy into a man.
DR and Ascension.
Day 2
Rest day
I woke up this morning wanting to hide, to avoid anything adult-ish. Still feeling this.
I’m actually quietly celebrating. I am.
These feelings are why I’m stuck between being an adult and being a child.
And Ascension and DR are working on them. Why else would it be bothering me? That’s why I’m celebrating.
This is what I want and need.
Have you recovered from your kidney stone?
Not completely. I went into work this morning, but since it took like over 5 minutes to put my shoes on, I went to the head boss and got permission to take off. There’s a lot of lifting in my job, so I knew I was useless.
I’ll tag on to this since I had a inner victory in seeking guidance on what to do.
I spoke to one manager who thought, you know, I’d die if I didn’t see a doctor (yeah, I’m exaggerating), but I found similar thinking from 2 others I told. So, I took the day off open to me seeing a doctor if necessary.
I’d rode in with a coworker who lives close to me, so all I had were my two feet. I walked half a mile down to a bus stop. What I noticed while walking was the steady pain and tension in my kidney area lessened. I felt like I’d conquered the “doctors know EVERYTHING” dogma. Kidneys clean your blood, and I’d been pretty stagnant all weekend, despite me drinking 6 quarts of cranberry juice. Moving my body really helped, and I took another good walk before coming here to write.
I still feel it, but it’s moved. I’ll go in to work tomorrow.
And sub related, I’ve had a steady resistance to accepting people’s popular wisdom, be it in health related stuff to major social issues. I’m angry since we’re sold stories constantly that anyone can verify as questionable very quickly. I’m just not up for blindly accepting it. Rather, I’m open to pointing out bullshit quickly. I’m learning how and when to counter it, and I felt I did so with self control this morning.
Day 3
Sanguine this morning, DR tonight
I posted this yesterday, then deleted it. It’s me, where I’m at, but moreso who I am. This is the real me.
I finished that post, and I got up to use the bathroom. I also didn’t want to tuck myself back in. 2 separate women smiled at me, and it encouraged me. But when I was alone again, I was trying to hide myself, out of habit. This also brought up tears. Hiding me has been my default.
Which is why I’m reposting this.
Beginning of post:
I’m sitting here at a library since… ok, I have resentment towards my housemate. He’s a demanding ass who’s got his attention on everybody else. That sickness disgusts me.
I’d go home if I didn’t have to keep my emotional and mental guards up all the time. I hide in my room to not face criticism. I expect it anytime he’s around.
And just sharing, DR unearthed my resentments I’ve had towards him. I’ve not found peace with this yet.
My resentment is based on the belief that I’m responsible for HIM. That I need to shelve my needs since…“his are more important”.
That’s a belief I’ve carried all my life. That I’m the neediest person’s servant. That that’s how I’ll find love. Childhood beliefs I’ve never even owned. I didn’t own them since I thought I’d kick them away. And I wanted to be loveable. Manly. Strong. So I’ve muddied that awareness every time it’s surfaced
How?
Where do I go (internally) to face this?
How do I do this?
Those are questions for me. I’ve not had safe places to vent lately
Edit: these questions at the end were written before I dumped my actual resentments just above them. I found some of my “how?” by opening that door
I’m going through the same feelings. If you haven’t read any of Pete Walkers stuff I’d definitely encourage it. It might help you connect the dots more. Excerpt about the fawn response.
https://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm
I usually find that this work involves a considerable amount of grieving. Typically this entails many tears about the loss and pain of being so long without healthy self-interest and self-protective skills. Grieving also tends to unlock healthy anger about a life lived with such a diminished sense of self. This anger can then be worked into recovering a healthy fight-response that is the basis of the instinct of self-protection, of balanced assertiveness, and of the courage that will be needed in the journey of creating relationships based on equality and fairness.
That sounds extremely fitting. I find it hard to put my feelings into words, but he did.
I’ve bought books at times since a good author can enunciate those issues clearly.
Thank you @Fractal_Explorer