I’m also drawn to Sanguine more. That’s a good 3rd sub
Day 8
DR done. LBFH later
Since I’m sleepless, I did a 5 minute loop of DR.
I remembered something I experienced yesterday. I haven’t felt it in a long time. For about a half hour I had a “crying of the soul”. Recon.
I’m also wondering if the sleeplessness is from Genesis activating finally. I don’t normally have sleep difficulties.
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Slept like a log finally. It felt really great.
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DR this morning, LBFH right after work.
I’m starting to relax with St.1. Little mental and emotional reprieves are showing up, and I experienced it with prior runs. Seeing and knowing that much less fear is hanging on.
Relaxing is where I want to be. This is awesome
Day 9
Rest day
St.1 is showing me fears that I hold on to. It’s gentle yet strong. Exciting but fearful.
One is that I’m unlovable. Working through that. I think LBFH is blooming since I seem to arrive in a healing, loving spot in my mind.
One of those fears is that I’ll get hurt sharing my love. That usually stops me.
Let’s see where this goes today.
Day 10
DR late last night
I noticed a major hindrance in my life. It sucks.
I also see myself following its ways, sabotaging its removal.
This issue has been running me since childhood.
One major relief is that this began showing last night before I ever listened to DR. It was activating, and it came to my awareness.
And truthfully, I have feelings on both sides about its removal. I know my life will change, but I sense a grief as well.
This is huge.
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Day 12
2nd rest day
DR is working. It’s definitely working.
First off, I’ll say I’ve been way less desiring to report here regularly like I’ve done in the past. My “norm” has been for me to play scared and in need of help, and I’ve just not wanted to continue that. I think I’m walking away from it, piece by piece. I remember in the objectives:
- Free yourself from your misconceptions and the limitations others placed upon you
- Detach from the views of others — be true to yourself
I’ve lived according to anybody’s and everybody’s views and expectations of me. And with it, that little-boy mindset has survived. “Everyone tell me what to do!” has been normal for me. I could dodge and lie to myself about it, but it’s the truth. DR is separating me from it, and that’s growth. I’ve been there for a very long time.
And with that, LBFH is allowing such growth. In my prior 2 runs of DR, I’d face an old fear, I’d consider letting it go, and I’d almost immediately be hit by self-deprecating thoughts and beliefs, ultimately having me not move forward. In short, I kicked my own ass so I’d not change. I just think LBFH is changing that norm. I’ll even admit I just had those old thoughts pop up while writing, and yes, I’ve submitted hundreds of times to them. Something is different now. I have strength and power to realize those thoughts are trying to keep me in a familiar place of pain. I’m not willing to continually submit to defeating thoughts. I’ve been seeing this more and more.
5 minute loops have worked well. I’ll keep it at that level. Doing what works…feels good. It feels right. Life is good when I accept changes when needed 
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Day 14
Rest day
Thoughts are changing. I’m having those internal shifts pushing me towards freedom, and old ways are wanting an easy, less responsible, and less accountable route.
I posted about this last night in the Ascension v.2 discussion thread. I’ve been afraid of sticking with Ascension since it builds up feelings of responsibility, and I’ve been reminded of my perceived failure with my mom, who was an everyday drinker.
Yeah, I’m scared of seeing this. Life’s been on hold due to this fear of failing and feeling so low again.
I’m also wanting and willing to stack Ascension with DR for this. Hiding from my pain takes MUCH more energy than facing it.
I’ll start this tomorrow. Ascension builds inner power. I think DR does too. I’d not have owned this otherwise.
Edit: from DR’s objectives:
- Develop an extreme sense of internal power and strength
- General masculinity boost, including boosts in confidence, power, strength, invincibility, self-assuredness, and being comfortable in one’s own skin
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Day 15
Sanguine and Ascension this morning
I did Sanguine and Ascension back to back this morning. I don’t normally do loops back to back.
But I woke up in a desirable dream state. I’m actually letting go of emotional beliefs which hold me back.
I’ve wanted to do that forever, but fear stopped me. I’m moving forward.
Day 16
Rest day
I began messaging someone here last night, and I knew I was in recon. My thinking was essentially “wouldn’t this sub be BETTER?”
I did full 15 minute loops of both Sanguine and Ascension. I’ll start 5 minute loops on all v.2 subs now.
I’ve been doing 5 minutes with DR, and I’ve had no trouble. Considering DR can be a recon beast for me, that’s saying a lot.
Anti-procrastination has kicked in from Ascension. I feel it.
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I’m going to share this, uncertain of what’s surfacing, or why. It’s guilt.
I just saw the other roommate and we talked for a while since my 91 yo housemate is in the hospital undergoing an unexpected surgery. I’m feeling guilty. I’ve been holding up this angry (scared) defense around the housemate, all to blame him. For what?
I’ve blamed him and other strong men since…shit… they weren’t there when I was younger to teach me and guide me on how to be a man.
Dammit. I’ve held up this jealous, angry front around most assertive males. Since I never got any training on what a man “is”.
I just shed tears. Ascension is working on this. It is.
Strangely, it feels like a beneficial healing. Like the tears are true and honest.
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Day 17
DR this morning
I did 5 minutes of St.1 this morning. I’m feeling different. Like I’m losing control, in a good way.
I am where I am because I’ve always controlled my environment and my thinking, and if I couldn’t, I resorted to fantasy worlds.
But little joy is found in nonstop fantasies, and I’ve looked for other avenues in recent years.
I think DR is dismantling these hideouts for me. I’m grateful since I’ve really wanted to connect with others while being healthy.
This sudden shift this morning was unexpected.
I also started close to the 10 minute mark of the loop. I usually start at the beginning and let it play.
It felt different from my norm.
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DR has been working in me all day long. What is different is what it’s hitting on.
Specifically, I’ve known I’ve been denying truths to and about myself since I was young, and today I was looking for what I might be habitually dodging.
I’ve been avoiding stuff so long that even this small change wows me. I’ve wondered:
Am I really doing this?
What does freedom feel like?
Will all these fears disappear if I face them and what they’re protecting?
Who will I be then?.
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Day 18
Rest day
I sensed DR gently but steadily digging into old beliefs I’ve held to today. For me, I’ll have some feelings and beliefs I’ve held to and don’t wish to dig around. DR is in that same space.
When I was using a Regeneration custom pre-Q era, it had those challenges in the scripting, where I felt a “comfortable” norm of mine being challenged one day. Like I felt unable to walk away from (or avoid) it. My mind had to face what I was uncomfortable with.
This feels similar, but the stress is substantially less. I just sense it working gently (I think of the word “softly” here), and yet deliberately. The result is I’m realizing I am doing this to myself. I am responsible for it. Considering it’s touching on childhood thinking and beliefs, those new beliefs are quite revealing to me.
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Day 18 (cont.)
Something strange and exciting is happening internally.
I lie to myself before I lie to anyone else. I’ve had it happen twice today where I tried to force myself to believe or accept something that really wasn’t true. I noticed it, and when I did, I chose to listen to the truth. I wanted the mental and emotional freedom found in truth.
Why? Lying is a constant stressor. It feels wrong. It is wrong with everything in me. And damn, it never really works. It just demands more lies. The cycle never stops.
That sounds obvious, but no, it’s not been obvious to me. I’ve been doing this subconsciously my whole life. The lies protected me. They kept me in fantasy land. And I’ve been building life on a base of common lies and fantasies that I’ve allowed.
Most surprising to me is that this is my 3rd go at DR, and I’ve never had this happen before.
I want this.
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I’ve run DR for almost one year, in two runs (DR Q and DR ZP1), and no other sub has done for me as much as DR did. The title of the sub is the best reflection of what the sub did for me. I’m a dragon reborn indeed. It’s like getting a second chance to have a normal life and be a healthy adult. Stick with it, mate. 
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Thank you Voytek!
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Day 19
2nd rest day (weekends off)
Something else is popping up in my thinking. My housemate came home from the hospital yesterday, and at the time, I wasn’t feeling…owned by his demands.
Well, today, I’ve found myself torn between being “nice” vs. standing up for myself, which is a common internal battle. I’m bothered mainly since he’s obviously (to me) trying to assert his control over his life, but never being happy with results.
The conflict I carry within is that I’ve mostly been a yes-man to him. I even began sharing some thoughts of my own yesterday, but as I’ve experienced before, he checks out, even interrupting me with his own unrelated thoughts. I sit here now realizing I’ve allowed this. I’ve carried expectations of him, also known as premeditated resentments. Like I’m expecting him to be someone he’s not.
I stop. That’s DR, picking away at my secrets to myself. I’ve put him in this fatherly/brotherly/male role model template, and I built it. But like a similar thinking I’ve noticed lately, expectations are never happy. Even when met, they seek more. And they keep anyone (me right now) constantly unhappy with results.
New awarenesses with DR. It’s tearing down old foundations I’ve used in many relationships.
P.S. I’m almost done with this cycle, and I’m going to do another one. But today’s results have me desiring the healing or closure of old wounds which comes with Stage 2.