Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#82

I’m going through change. I made a major decision yesterday for me. And I’ve not posted about it since I’ve given in to other’s suggestions here repeatedly.

Part of me still craves other’s acceptance, but a growing part of me is not backing down.

I woke up yesterday listening to my feelings. No major crisis looming. I just felt a little fragile. So I skipped CFW and AC, choosing to listen to Ascension by itself. I needed some strength.

I had little awareness of changes throughout the day…but I had no desire to go home and deny reality by doing usual behaviors.

I imagined the public library where I used to hide a lot years back. I dismissed it a couple of times, but while driving home I chose to listen to this, so I went. I thought “why not?”

I increasingly wanted to feel safe. I found a small study desk, and I planted myself. I was in the mindset to stand up for myself by making different choices.

And with this mindset, I also needed to feel safe. I remembered I had room for another loop, and I was immediately drawn to DR. I’ve been drawn to it multiple times, and I ignored it since I’ve always sought other’s advice on my choices.

I felt insecure thinking of other people’s disapproval if I went with DR. But I turned on an ultrasonic loop and let it soak in. I listened to AC right after.
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I’m tired of acting and believing like I’m a child.

That’s why I’m using DR. I’ve allowed this to happen, and noone else is responsible for changing this.

My defensiveness will drop in time. Not today. I’ve got to grow through this.

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#83

Day 2
Rest day

I messaged someone here after starting DR yesterday, and he asked me if I’d ever done EMDR therapy.

Yes, I have, I’ve worked with 2 different therapists, but the last one was over 10 years ago. I admitted most of my personal successes with EMDR were done at home, using either rented or paid-for software.

I bought one software setup about 5-6 years back, and I pulled it up tonight. The maker has it for free now, I downloaded it, and after my hesitation, I put it on for 2-3 minutes. (The site is gowiththat.com. Works good for both Windows 10 and Macs)

I didn’t feel it immediately, but my legs began relaxing, I stopped, then realized my mind was relaxing too. I resumed it for another few minutes, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I tend to hold on to my feelings, keeping them under control most of the time, but this went right past my walls.

I had no traumatic memories surface. No, none of that. But EMDR, used lightly and with awareness, can relax me almost instantly. I’m sitting here still, feeling feelings I’ve had locked down. Mostly some sadness.

I’m thinking of this objective:

  • Manifest mentors, books, courses and other sources of information that will help you achieve your self-development goals
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#84

I had a brief look at the EMDR therapy. Do you think this is something I could do on my own using the software or would I need a professional to explain and set it up properly?

I had a fairly traumatic childhood and have heaps of repressed memories. I wonder if this would help.

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#85

If I were you, I’d go cautiously and read up on it first.

EMDR can open your mind and memories quickly, but if you follow your gut and stop regularly, you can make some dramatic shifts very fast.

My first program was virtualemdr.com, and I believe they are the best for people who are brand new to doing EMDR solo. They have full training and guidance materials, even providing journals to write down your experience each time. I found myself writing a lot since I felt some major shifts those first few months. They’re very comprehensive, which sets them apart from other vendors I’ve looked into.

I’ll share a personal story.

The training for EMDR practitioners is to actually stir up an emotion or memory, focus on it, and to use EMDR to dissipate its strength and impact.

However, I’ve found that extremely stressful when working alone. The EMDR practitioner or therapist’s value is seeing this and slowing down or stopping the process so the client isn’t overwhelmed.

I had success (doing it alone) by doing what I normally do any day of the week: I don’t look for memories; I’m usually in full avoidance. The truth is most days I’m aware of some emotional pain, and 99% of my days I’m avoiding them since they feel so HEAVY. I’ve spent most of my life doing this.

So, I turn on the software, seeking and desiring some internal change. Within seconds, I’ll feel it hitting something, like some unrealistic belief guarding my emotions. I had this happen last night, and I began crying. I only let the software run 2-3 minutes. I turned it off and just sat with my emotions.

I allow my emotions to just come. I notice how normal avoidance isn’t so easy. Like it’s rearranging my normal survival routines.

And if it stirs up something with a bigger emotional charge, I have the choice to go deeper, or stop. That’s empowering to me.

So do your homework first. That’s the key. Know what you’re walking into. Peace.

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#86

Definitely this. Also they know when they can push you a bit more and challenge you in a healthy way. That can be really really hard to regulate on your own. Most of my life has been oscillating hard between full dissociation and intense emotional turbulence. I’ve accepted at this point that I just don’t have that capability in me yet and need guidance.

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#87

Thanks for the additional information and advice, I’ll definitely research more about the therapy. The virtual EMDR looks interesting but again I won’t rush into anything.

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#88

Yeah. I first heard about EMDR back in college over 20 years ago. My major was psychology, I’d done a bit of counseling with one guy for a few years, so hearing about this peaked my curiosity immediately. The therapist’s discovery was completely accidental.

However, knowing it could undo years of bad training quickly actually scared me. I feared letting go of my stuff, my “identity”. Which is why I never approached it until years later while newly married (not a good move tbh)

I tried with 2 different therapists during that time, but I was the one who pulled away. EMDR uncovers my bs quickly, and in those days, I relied on lying to myself and others quite regularly. Keeping up a front was social survival for me–and I can’t do that. I don’t want to do it anymore.

I didn’t pursue EMDR again until my separation from my wife at the time in 2011. I knew it was valid. I’d read a number of case studies, and emotional freedom sounded possible, so I pursued it. I joined up with a local therapist here who worked from his home, and I was with him about 4 months. I was digging in with him, I was doing work on this at home (not EMDR), but the transition to freedom was what scared me. I withdrew because all my old fallbacks weren’t comfortable, but neither were the new ones.

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#89

Interesting. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and are determined to sort through the issues.

I honestly don’t know where I’m at with past trauma. I feel like I’ve laid most of it to rest and have moved on with my life but in saying that, I have very few childhood memories. I’ve done a bit of counselling with psychologists here and there over the years but I’m not sure how helpful any of it was. I think one guy s program was helpful because I learnt to stop over breathing myself into a panic. I’ve always been very conscious of my breathing since that 12 week course. I think it was mostly CBT but I’m not sure because I didn’t know much above the different therapies back then.

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#90

I’ll tag the @AnswerGroup here.

Since my biggest struggle has been stepping into freedom and a new identity, can (or does) the scripting allow for an easier (less scary) transition? Or is this actually in St.3?

I made the choices to step away from therapy and counseling years back. I did so because I was playing games with myself, and I saw it clearly one day. I was “looking good”, but not growing at all. I even spent multiple months on St.1 and St.2 my last time with DR. That transition into something new (possibly being “successful”) scared me, so I never pursued St.3 or 4. I pulled back there.

I’m also guilty of avoiding responsibility in life, of not facing things I may possibly…succeed in (???). I wrote just weeks back about seeing myself as a failure and have been living out that script for quite a while. It was in this thread, and…I deleted it the next day. I think the truth scared me. Because it is true.

I just don’t wish to stay in pain or…keep projecting my reality onto others. The latter was used regularly by my mom when things got bad for her, which was frequent. I’ve been doing it with my housemate in my head for months…and I think it ceased with DR. I’ve not been doing that this week. Beautiful.

@RVconsultant, I have considered adding Sanguine to my stack. Ever since @Michel began using Sanguine and SE, it gives me some hope seeing it bloom. I haven’t had an emotional “crisis” in a while, but I’m also facing a root of mine again: fearing success.

I did 7 minutes of St.1 this morning, then a full loop of Genesis an hour ago (after reading Saint’s journal and people mentioning it.) I’d been planning on using Ascension again.

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#91

Day 4
Rest day

I’m avoiding reality this morning. I’m desiring to.

I don’t even desire to control it. I lived like this daily in my 20’s. I just went through the motions.

My mind’s there now. Heading to work. Going through the motions.

Speaks of avoiding responsibility. That’s been what I keep bumping into with subliminals. Something’s there which my life has revolved around.

It’s surfacing in my throat, feeling it now. And I felt an intense sadness minutes ago. I can’t control it–which is why I’m avoiding it.

Heading out

#92

I think this is an important thing. Not going digging into the past if it’s not needed. I find that it’s the present behaviors that give rise to the childhood memories and relationships.

However having said that there’s definitely a difference between pushing it out of awareness vs processing all the emotions that came with the experiences. Prior to engaging in therapy I was very disconnected from my childhood and had a wall up. On overall numbness, pretty much a frozen state.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s complicated because we can really deceive ourselves into believing we’re over something when emotionally and on a deeper level we aren’t. Sometimes you pretty much can’t even see it until you engage in therapy.

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#93

Yeah that’s true. I did unpack a lot with various therapists. I’m in a pretty good place now overall compared to my former self. I think what disturbs me is my lack of memories, particularly around the ages of 0-10 years old. I fear I may have repressed traumatic events that I cannot face but it could also be a form of brain damage because I used to drink a lot of alcohol from ages 15-25 years old and on multiple occasions took some heavy head injuries. I doubt I’ll ever see a psychologist again but the EMDR therapy sounds very interesting.

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#94

Day 5
2nd rest day (I’m using @Geoff’s MWF–weekends off listening schedule. It’s a very sane approach, especially on DR)

“…over something”

I’ve lied and pushed away truths forever. I’m being hard on myself there, yet I’m also wishing for a relief. I’m not in any counseling or therapy presently, and I’m not sure I want that…but that’s not really true. Not at all.

My very first counselor was an ex-priest (who’s got 10 or more kids now, not kidding). I was in my late teens, and I’d known him as a child since I was an altar boy in the church he’d served at. He opened a little counseling practice, and I used to see him weekly since confusion and fear were my main life coping tools.

I’d just start talking, and it felt good owning and dealing with it. I was working for minimum wage somewhere, he’d charge me minimally, and what I realize now was a gift was he’d give me an hour–but if I needed more time, he’d let me stay longer. This happened regularly, maybe because I was experiencing some level of control over my life, and that was empowering. It was a gift for sure.

In short, I got to vent and receive feedback on my thinking and reactions. I miss that. I realize I’m in that (normal for me) spot where part of me wants to look back and figure out what happened at a sane pace…and part of me (an unhealthier stance) wants to…avoid, avoid, avoid anything with emotional pain involved. It’s black or white, all or nothing thinking. All hell or all heaven thinking. Fantasy thinking. Which doesn’t work. Life happens, and that’s that.

I’m actually thinking about and appreciating Genesis here. It gave courage and drive AND it had powerful transmutation scripting, where some major fears weren’t seen as the intimidating monsters I’d believed they were. I’m still unsure if it’s good mixing it with St.1 since it’s mostly a feel good, confidence sub. And St.1 is doing a lot of demolishing.

On the counselor thing though, I’d like some feedback.

Here’s something I keep pushing away, not wanting to admit. It’s really true. Though I walked towards counseling and therapy in my earlier years, since I was SO AFRAID of revealing things to myself (and believing Mom’s choices were all my fault) I began hiding (meant “lying to myself”) right in the same offices I’d supposedly come to find things out. I’ve been so ashamed of this. Who goes to therapy…to hide from life?? I did. And I fear I would STILL do this if forced. That’s a major hindrance for me, like I’m still in the same mindset of holding myself back.

Which is also why I brought up Genesis again. Is it good with St.1?

@RVconsultant, would you comment on this? Thank you for your assistance.

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#95

I just found a support ticket where Saint had replied. I’d wondered about making a custom with Genesis and DR, but he also gave thoughts on stacking the titles:

“There’s no reason why you can’t choose one or the other and then run the other one on the side as a major title. I would make Dragon Reborn the side title. Putting hard healing titles in a custom is always a risky venture because it may trigger too much recon and you end up with a custom you can’t use.”

#96

For what it’s worth this is incredibly common. This feeling the need to hide is a defense mechanism the therapist should understand. I pretty much voiced the same concerns at my last session and it’s normal, it’s part of the process. Not pushing you back to therapy or anything, but it seems like you’re blaming yourself for instinctual reactions that came about because of outside circumstances you couldn’t control. The whole hiding thing is a very ingrained habit, it’s not something that can be overcome with willpower or turned off. It’s unfair to hold yourself to such a high standard of emotional vulnerability if you’ve experienced emotional neglect.

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#97

Thank you @Fractal_Explorer. I began crying while reading your response since…yes, I do feel responsible for my Mom’s choices. I know it’s unfounded. I also know, or suspect largely, that a lot of people carry their parent’s baggage needlessly.

I never could own the self-blame concept…because I lie to myself about it quickly. But I do this. I just don’t see it easily.

I’ve rarely seen Saint or Fire say “this issue is handled specifically in DR”, but…(crying now actually) self-blame seems hit on directly in St.1. Since I began this thread in August, I’ve thrown blame and emotional vitriol on my housemate. I believed he was at fault. Or rather…he wasn’t ME.

Since starting St.1 (just 4 days back) I’ve lost that intense blame aimed at him. I haven’t thought of it once. Me blaming him was throwing my baggage onto someone else. I’m not doing it to myself, so doing it to others is forgotten as well.

Touche, @Fire. Thank you for this.

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#98

And @RVconsultant,

I did a 3-minute loop of Sanguine last night by itself to counter some recon. I will use it more, especially with DR.

It’s the only sub SC says can be used daily, which is unique (not my goal though). I’ll use it mostly for the confidence, the “I can handle this” mentality.

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#99

Day 6
Genesis and AC this morning

Trying to earn people’s love is making me feel like a real loser. I’m really discouraged.

I’m growing sick of this.

What am I really doing? What can I do? What am I willing to do differently?

#100

I’m wondering how Genesis, DR st1, and Sanguine (or Sanguine The Elixir) would work for you.

What are YOUR thoughts?

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#101

Since Monday, I’ve not been focusing on Genesis. It was pretty quiet mixed with DR actually. DR was pretty quiet itself, which is unusual for me.

I changed focus when people began writing on a post I wrote in 2020 about SC subs and the Nice Guy syndrome. I read people’s responses with more willingness to change.

And someone advised LBFH, since some seek validation constantly.

This is me. In the vast majority of my posts I’m seeking an atta boy or similar encouragement to say that I’m valuable. This was made clear to me when I replied 2ce in someone’s busy thread last weekend and I got no replies or any likes. I got so mad I actually looked for a button to delete my whole account. Everything. I was sick of sharing heart truths and effectually being told “you don’t matter”. Tired of feeling so damn unimportant and ignorable. I’ve spent my whole life depending on other’s validation of me, and it sucked.

So I’ll be doing DR and LBFH tomorrow, not back to back.

I realize that that’s why I hold back from writing to others here. I detest being rejected. F that.