Thanks for your reply @jaguar. You said things in a constructive way, which helped me with my introspection.
I like to put the responsibility on me and with that comes the power to change everything. Under that perspective I’m projecting something negative onto her.
Maybe I think that in some ways she doesn’t deserve my love. Probably because I think I’m too good for her in terms of skills, fighting in life (resilience and mental strength) and life achievements. And in some other ways I think I don’t deserve a beautiful girl like her, even though she is physically a match, because of some of my self esteem issues.
This is where my current stack is helping (PS + HS).
Now I don’t think I’m worse or better than anyone else, I put myself at the same level of others in an authentic way, and close to them even if that means getting out of my comfort zone and risking showing my vulnerabilities and being hurt. So far no one has hurt me, and even when people make judgements, you know what? It was because I sent some negative subconscious signal to them, so when that happens I quickly change my inner state to a positive one and the other person automatically changes his/her state too.
No more envies from other people, because when that happens I put the blame on my ego, then I smile and people smile back. No more need to fight anyone. Life is being nice and peaceful!
Anyway I just started a washout, as I have eye wrinkles, I’m too tired, I’m ruminating a lot and I can’t focus, as a sign that I need a washout. Women in general, including the beautiful ones, are all smiling and being nice to me for several days, so I think I’ve already shifted the reality.
There is another nice woman I met, who wants to help me and invited me to take me to a place with some of her friends. I don’t consider it a date, but we have been getting along pretty well, and it’s a start. We have many things in common, including the things we have been through in life, so maybe she is the twin flame manifestation from HS, although I’m not sure because I met her when I was washing out from Asc without ever having used HS (I used LB a long time ago for only 1.5 cycles and I quit due to huge recon). Yesterday, when I was preparing to leave, there was a curious manifestation: her parents showed up, she didn’t tell me who they were, but the father made a comment which revealed they were the parents… She was caught!
We were talking yesterday for about 2 hours, and it went very well with lots of humor and showing of vulnerability from both sides. I’m just not sure yet if the reality bubble is working or how does it feel, because I didn’t feel anything about the bubble.
I already talk to some people at the gym, but mainly staff and personal trainers. Now, I started approaching other gym members (men and women). I’m keeping my possibilities open and I try to talk to and meet as many women as I can.
It’s also important to me to approach her again with this new version of myself, so that I can prove to my self that I overcame all my negative beliefs which were making her afraid of me.
It’s important to not get attached, thanks for the advice, but I don’t agree she just wants sex. A woman who waits for me at the gym exit crying also wants love.
Take care.
