Thanks for explaining!
- I’ve been thinking more about what DR st 1 has been doing to me. It’s been increasing the amount of faith in myself, optimism, and confidence I have. It’s doing that on an intellectual level by changing the stories that I tell myself that I’ve accepted as truth for most of my life. That’s operating on a deeper level than the surface of my consciousness and it’s had some effect on my emotions simply because I no longer see what I took to be reasons I should feel fear, or that I can’t do something as true.
That’s miraculous, but it’s still at the level of thought and narrative. What I’m looking forward to is feeling that I can have and do what I want at the visceral level that’s beyond intellect and at the level that I once felt that I couldn’t have it or do it, and that I had everything to fear. From what I’ve been reading, that’s the level that stage 2 hits. I’m eager to try it, rough as it might be.
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Making me a bit jealous hmm another great benefits of DR
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Both have happened to me on DR, and I’m guessing you can look forward to it too.
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I’m guessing that that’s what stage two is all about.
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- I had a good conversation with my wife last night. She asked something, and it got onto how I perceive her moods and behaviors. She actually seemed interested and listened. This is a first. She told me that she doesn’t see that she’s doing it when she’s “in it”.
I was very blunt. I told her that I saw her as kind of a Jekyl and Hyde kind of person, and that I’d thought of leaving her on a fairly regular basis.
She listened, she didn’t try to invalidate or argue me out of seeing things the way I do. She actually thanked me for my patience and restraint.
She actually started the conversation by saying what an awesome husband I am, and acknowledging how much I do for her and my family.
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SWEET! Right on.
This sounds like an unexpected change.
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It was a bit of a surprise. She actually showed a bit of self awareness. We shall see if it’s any kind of long term change.
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I agree. I would also encourage you to think of ways to perhaps nurture or cultivate this event.
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Insight from another journal.
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- The discussion in another journal that I cited got me thinking. I always get my needs met. If I absolutely need something to keep life from falling to absolute shit, I am always able to find it. Thats the bottom end of that Negator phenomenon I was talking about a while ago. I can envision life going to a really bad place, and that envisioning causes fear, but a very powerful part of me comes in and says “nah, that can’t really happen to you, it doesn’t fit my image of what life is supposed to be like”.
The same thing that’s made it difficult for me to level up and get to a place where life is less of a struggle and more rewarding has kept it from becoming a real shitshow.
That image includes how much success I am supposed to have, how hard life is supposed to be, how lucky I am, and a bunch of other things. It’s really powerful. I think that I am gradually modifying it, but it’s a hard road.
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You consistently make progress. You are doing well on DR and I have been consistently enjoying reading your journal. Thank you.
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**Stage 1 Cycle 2 Week 5**
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This is my last active listening week of stage one. The difference in me is quite impressive. I may not have completely gotten rid of every mental hangup I have, but I’ve made good progress on it. I also understand why they exist, how they got there, and the thinking that they caused has largely changed, and continues to.
If there’s anything left, it’s coming out as pure emotion from damage that I’ve accrued, and is resistant to being fixed with rational thought. There seems to be a lot less of that happening even on this stage. I’m expecting stage two to really dig into that.
Next week is a scheduled washout and I get on stage two the week after. -
This was a very good weekend even though I didn’t get everything done that I’d planned. A couple of things came up and I had to adjust a bit. I find myself focusing on the things I did get done rather than the things that I didn’t, and feeling good about it.
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The wife and I got along really well this weekend. And not just when we were having that discussion I mentioned earlier.
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I took an online written test for a job in the field that I’ve been trying to get into for years. I’m sure I kicked ass on it. I’ve rarely had issues with that stage, but still, my brain seemed to work at maximum efficiency and I didn’t feel the slightest bit of stress about the time pressure.
This time feels different. I don’t feel excited about getting back into that field, but I don’t feel any anxiety about not getting it either. I think that my ego was always heavily involved and consequently very threatened by the prospect of failure before and isn’t at all now. I will do my best on the rest of the process and what will be will be.
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The limits of logic mate!
I’m noticing since on DR people who are usually contentious are much easier for me to get along with.
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I got one other thing today. I looked in the mirror, and liked what I saw. First off, the man I saw looking back was fully a man. I often saw a boy up until very recently. Second, I’m a very good looking man. I was not good looking as a kid, and was told that I was ugly so many times that I believed it at least partly. It appears that that mental damage has been cleared. Third, there’s something new in the way I carry myself. I’ve been seeing improvement in my body language for a long time, but this was more than that. This was a different guy. One who is in charge of any room he walks into and can have whatever he wants in life, not for the asking, but if he goes out and gets it. There was real confidence there, maybe a bit of arrogance, but a lot of what I’ve always wanted to see in myself. If I see that in the mirror, that means that’s what I really think of myself. Damn that’s awesome.
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I’m sure I passed that test with flying colors, so I’m going to have to do one of those formal panel interviews again. I’ve been thinking about how to help myself with that, and a custom ultima might be just what I need. What I’m thinking so far.
Oral Board Ultima
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The Commander. Overall bearing and command presence. Also helps me to be sure and decisive with my answers.
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True Social Ultima Core. Helps me to get along and connect with panel members. Plus helps rid me of the social and performance anxiety that’s been a problem in the past.
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Dragon Tongue. Pretty self explanatory. Helps me express myself well.
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Furious Ascent. Deals with anxiety and nervousness and turns it into enthusiasm.
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Information Releaser. Helps me recall any factual information I need to.
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Invincible Presence. Self explanatory.
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This is kick-ass! Love the progress you’re making.
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Wow dude! This is great! Now do you believe me that you’re awesome?
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I’m finding my awesomeness a little more each day. It is more figuring out that I’ve been awesome all along and didn’t believe it too.
That’s the spirit mate!