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A conversation in another thread and what I talked about last night brought something up. That is how I currently feel about my employment situation.
I know that my current job is a stagnant dead end. Staying here for a lot longer will not do anything good for me emotionally, financially (other than allowing me to maintain) or in any other aspect of my life.
I got it right after I lost the type of job that I really wanted for the second time. I got it right away preventing worse financial problems than we had and it actually paid a bit more than the job I’d lost. If I take a bird’s eye view, that was one heck of a manifestation/stroke of luck. I am very grateful for that.
It gave me something else I needed as well. This is a high end security job. On paper it sounds pretty badass, but what I actually do is sit in an out building all night and check a few IDs as people come in. It’s like 98% downtime. All I really have to do is stay reasonably alert in case something happens.
This has given me a lot of time to myself, which I needed to think and reflect, realize that something needed to change, and finally get it through my skull that that something has to be ME before anything about my life was really going to get better. It allowed me time and seclusion to focus on what I needed to do, and look for new ways of doing it. In other words to find a new and better class of subs, and be able to focus on running them and concentrating on the process they caused. Again, I am grateful for the opportunity.
(Excuse me if I ramble a bit here, writing things out really helps me think them out but new things keep coming up as I write).
For about fifteen years before this, I was absolutely frantically trying to get into a certain career field, and having no luck at it. I got into a pretty close approximation, but seemed stuck there. I applied again and again to agency after agency always being rejected.
I now see what the problem was here. I was focusing all of my energy on getting the job and not on becoming someone who would get hired for that job, let alone someone who would be awesome at it once I got it. I was focusing on making surface changes to get to that goal and ignoring the deeper problems that were causing me to have difficulty getting there in the first place. Primarily I was trying to look like I was confident rather than figuring out how to develop confidence. If I studied anything it was how to do better at the specific type of interview they do.
It didn’t work well. The people who sit on those panels can spot a faker from three states away.
Eventually in 2015, I stumbled on a way to force it. I had been using subs off and on since 2008, and I found another company (y’all know the one) made one for manifesting one’s ideal employment.
Damn if that one didn’t work like gang busters. It took no more than three months (mind you, the hiring process in my line of work can take six or eight) An agency that I’d applied to many times in the past snapped me up at turbo speed, and for the exact job I wanted. Unfortunately the sub did nothing to prevent me from self sabotaging and losing that job right off the bat. I tried that sub again and it worked right out of the blue within two months again. More or less the same thing happened.
Then I got this job. At first I tried to get back into my career, and this time I had more confidence in my ability to get the jobs. That’s when some really off the wall things started happening to derail me when I’d almost gotten it. This was bizarre, but obviously there was some reason that it was happening. I have two theories and they may both be true. One of them is the reason I put Immortal’s Blade in here. The other is that my subconscious/higher self/whatever the hell else you want to call it thinks I need a time out until I can get my internal shit sorted out enough that I can move forward in whatever direction it’s best for me to go in.
One reason I was having so many issues with getting the job I wanted was that my ego was dependent on me getting a certain result each and every time. I’d always convince myself that this was the one when I applied, go into the interview with fear that it wasn’t, and feel crushed and defeated when it wasn’t. That did a lot of damage. There was a lesson in that that I was failing to learn again and again. As best as I can word it it is that I shouldn’t let my sense of self worth depend on any one external result. I should open as many pathways to getting what I want as possible, and remember that it’s never about me when one of them doesn’t work.
Also, the primary energy that was driving me during that time was fear, not any kind of genuine passion. I was afraid of failing to get that job because it was the first big thing in my life that I’d really put myself out there and TRIED to achieve. Since I viewed any failure as total failure as a person, I feared that would mean that I was a worthless failure as a person. And I felt like one with every single rejection letter. I wasn’t frantically running TO a job that would fulfill me, I was running FROM that feeling of existential worthlessness. I didn’t even really want to escape my boring jobs that I had during the time. I wanted to escape the feeling that I was a failure. Holy Crap! I just saw that plain as day.
Well, at some point here I stopped seeing myself as a failure every time something didn’t work out. I see my current situation differently.
This job is something I needed to see all of this. I needed to sit in it until I saw the roots of the problem for what they were, and started to face and deal with them.
I feel differently about the hiring process I just took the test for too. If I get it awesome, but if I don’t, I’m still awesome, and something even better will come along when I’m ready. My ego is not threatened. I will find something better the second I am ready. I half suspect that will be shortly after I finish my DR run. -
As I was writing all of that, the many successes I’ve had during that period of time became clear. To list a few.
I manifested two good jobs right when I’d lost others. I have managed to keep my family’s head above water through three years of very trying financial trouble by continuing to work the problems as well as manifesting some bloody miracles. I have found very effective tools that actually allow me to do the mental work to get to this point. I have learned that the universe really does always provide what I need as long as I keep doing the work to find it. I kept trying for what I wanted long past the point where most people would give up. I have learned real patience with my situation. I have learned to have true faith in myself.
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- When I started that I was thinking that I didn’t have much to write about today.
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I don’t usually quote myself, but this is important. If I hadn’t gone in with the subconscious pressure that I was putting on myself by thinking that each interview was make or break for my self worth, I wouldn’t have felt so much anxiety each time. There’s a lesson there about letting go of the result of any given attempt. I could have saved myself a lot of pain that way, and likely had the career I wanted right now.
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I think you have just had another significant break through. Hold on to your photons because it’s time for an overhaul!
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- AAANND the wife turned into Mrs. Hyde on me again. In the time it took me to get dressed for work. I went upstairs after dinner and she was all smiles, and I came down and she was talking to me like the red headed step child she never wanted over some ridiculously inconsequential things. She just kept on with the degrading argument no matter what I said. Just like always when she gets into this state. I don’t know if she can’t control it or won’t, but it’s bad.
The roommate came out and yelled at her. That usually stops her for the moment, but not this time. She just kept going.
I am very close to deciding I’m done with this. I mean one of her personalities is my favorite person on earth. The other one I don’t want to be within ten miles of.
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- One thing I did notice today. I’ve been a lot more organized in how I approach things lately. For instance, when I went to cook dinner tonight, I neatly laid out all of the ingredients and equipment I’d need in a staging area before I started. This saved me from having to scramble around finding things on short notice like I always have. It could get comical, but it was irritating.
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I can sympathize with your frustration and disappointment.
How about for the next week, you keep on keeping on, with your eyes on the prize… big healing with DR, and whatever else you have in your hopes for your future.
Of course. My frustration has nothing to do with DE. It’s with someone else’s behavior. Neither I nor DE can control her behavior and I can only control my own.
It might be an attempt to “put me back in my place” because she’s having trouble dealing with my increased sense value, it might just be her brain disease making it so she can’t control herself. I don’t know, but whatever the case, it’s her, not me.
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I understand mate! We Dragons are here for you man!
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- Things with the wife we’re back to normal when I got home. She woke up briefly was affectionate and cheerful and of course went back to sleep for the rest of the day.
That’s not really a good thing. She uses me as an emotional punching bag, then expects everything to be absolutely back to normal the second her spleen has been vented. That’s not right. As time goes by I am seeing that she really is an unstable person.
When we got together, I had dated a series of unstable girls and she seemed to be the “good choice” because she seemed not to be. Or at least I convinced myself she did.
She started with the control behavior superioristic attitude, Hypercriticism, and losses of temper pretty quickly, but I didn’t think it was so bad because A. She was nowhere near as blatantly bat shit crazy as my exes, and the way she treated me closely resembled the way my parents did. It felt normal. Bad, but normal. Somewhere in the back of my head, I suppose I thought it was how a domestic relationship should be. I had no idea what a healthy one looks like, and frankly I still don’t.
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As I’m reading this, I’m wondering if you feel both disillusioned and peaceful.
I’ve had a few awakenings about people in my life since on DR. What I have done so far is to just ride DR and an answer seems to show up.
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Yeah, that’s a pretty good way of describing it. Though the disillusionment is more about my own actions than her. After all, I allowed the relationship to take the form it has instead of doing anything about it.
That is a sobering realization mate! 
on dude!
- I realized something from reading someone else’s journal. They were talking about fearing losing something they’ve gained.
I’ve had something similar going on, and I think that it’s part of the trouble I’ve had getting the career that I’ve wanted. I’m sure that it’s done other things, but that’s the place where it’s gotten in my way the most.
I kept applying for more or less the same job and failing at the interview phase of the process. I’m pretty sure that the reason for that is that I was nervous to the point of actual fear when it came to the interview. And this isn’t a normal corporate interview, it’s a very formal panel type thing that’s designed to make you uncomfortable. The interview usually came after a written test and sometimes a couple of other steps
The realization I had was that the further I got in the process, the more fear and uncertainty I felt about the whole thing. As I got closer to where I wanted to be, I became more afraid that I would not make it all the way, and the more daunting the rest of the process started to look. The fear, of course made it more likely that just that would happen. And it did. A lot.
In this and a lot of other things, the closer I get to success, the greater the success, and the more I wanted whatever it was, the greater the chance was that I’d choke or self sabotage it away.
I technically got the job twice. Both times I had forced the issue by using a very focused manifestation sub, and both times the process went so much easier than normal that it was like a major surprise when I got it. But in this line of work, getting hired doesn’t mean you have the job. It means that you have to work along with a senior member of the agency who assesses everything you do for three or four months. It’s not fun for anyone. It’s extremely high pressure, and it’s the last thing before I would be able to think I’d had a major success. I choked both times and lost the jobs.
I think this is a real insight into my success ceiling here. I actually fear getting my hopes up, and the higher they get, the greater the fear becomes. Simple reason, the more hope you have, the more painful it is when it gets dashed. For reasons I’ve discussed before, I always expected it to be dashed, so the self sabotage was kind of a way of (subconsciously) escaping from that fear. Of course that reinforced my expectation of failure. Vicious cycle there.
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Would you please give more details about this?
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I used a sub by that one other company that we skirt around mentioning here. It’s part of the series that is focused on manifesting one’s perfect, in this case job. That worked amazingly, unfortunately it doesn’t do anything for keeping your perfect job.
In each case, I applied for a job that was posted shortly after I started. The hiring process, usually takes a long time, has up to ten steps, and can derail at any time for a multitude of reasons. I had never made it past the oral board before.
Both of these times I breezed through the process a lot faster than is usually possible and was starting my new job about two months after starting the sub. Matter of fact, the first time I got offers from two of the agencies I was in the process for.
In both cases I became overwhelmed on the OJT that comes right after hire, and didn’t pass the program.
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Thank you for elaborating. It makes more sense to me now.
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This concludes active listening to stage one. Next week is a washout. I might run a couple of single loops of DE stage two just to see how it hits me, but no other subs.
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I’ve noticed a massive lessening of fear and anxiety on this one as well as getting a clear picture of what mental crap has been getting in my way and why it’s there. As these issues come up, it usually becomes clear that they’re no longer problems.
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I’m so happy for you!
Go back and look at your journal from 30 plus days ago.
This post above, to me you sound like a different person than 30 plus days ago!
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- The wife and I were out looking at houses today. While we were talking to the salesman for the community, some random lady who was in the room didn’t like something we were talking about and very rudely interrupted and told us so.
I took it in stride at the time, but later, when I was thinking about it, The Demon showed up. I haven’t heard from him in a while. The thing I call The Demon is a …call it… aspect of my personality that I’ve been living with for as long as I can remember. I keep him under very tight wraps, but he (best way I can describe it) invades my thoughts periodically, and it’s very distracting and kind of disturbing.
This usually happens when I feel someone has dominated me or won out over me in any way. Anything from someone disrespecting me and getting away with it, a boss pointing out a mistake, anything like that. It doesn’t happen every time, but it used to often. It also used to randomly crop up when I even remember incidents like that.
The Demon wants revenge. What it does is cause me to have fantasies of utterly destroying that person, sometimes physically, sometimes psychologically and emotionally so badly that they will never be able to recover. It wants them to know that I’m the one who destroyed them and never be able to do anything about it.
In short, it wants me to be able to completely and totally assert my dominance over anyone who tries to dominate me. It’s ruthless, cruel, and should be utterly terrifying. That’s why I’ve always felt the need to keep myself under such rigid emotional control.
Now, all that said, I’ve never once actually considered doing anything I fantasize about during these episodes.
I think that might actually have something to do with my block on consciously doing any kind of manifestation. I have to stop myself from actually putting the energy out there from intense visualization with feeling in order to stop myself from manifesting something horrible that I just stop and block everything. That makes sense actually, a lot of sense.
It’s difficult to stop it when this happens. I disrupt it consciously, and it just keeps circling back around in a few seconds to a few minutes.
I got a weird visualization this time though. I was flying over a huge put of fire, and realized what it was. It’s an unbelievable amount of pure unadulterated rage that I’ve been holding inside and adding to all my life.
Where others feel sad or vulnerable or whatever when stuff happens, I don’t. I feel rage, but I have always had some reason that I couldn’t express it. That’s one reason that Stage two and getting into my emotions scares me a bit. Its going to dig into that ball of fire, and I’m going to have to be able to control it.
Oh well, I have to deal with it to get the life I want.
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