That’s a courageous share @COWolfe.
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I find ideas of rage and anger are happening much less since I’ve been listening to DR.
Like about 90% less.
Same here. Yesterday was an aberration. It may have been necessary to bring another problem that I’ve always had to my attention. I probably wouldn’t have figured out that having to tightly control that aspect of myself was part of what holds me back in life if I hadn’t hit that hard when it did.
Feeling like that used to be my daily reality, and I wasn’t able to think through it like I just did.
**Stage 1 Cycle 2 Week 6**
**Washout Week #2 with possible experimental loops of stage 2**
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I’ve had some time to think about what I wrote about yesterday, and I think I’ve come up with some really good insights about it.
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I have a lot of repressed anger to deal with. It has gotten in the way of me being the person I was meant to be and want to be because I also have a strong, very ingrained, subconscious and conscious impulse to completely restrain it.
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It is getting in the way of me fully experiencing any other emotions. The vast majority of what I feel on a visceral level is anger, and my impulse is to push it down not let it be expressed, and stop feeling it as soon as possible. This somehow translated to my then immature subconscious to trying to fully repress all emotion. It’s hard to describe how I experience other feelings. I’m aware of them on a mental level, but they aren’t as much of a palpable FEELING as the anger is.
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I am a very strong person, and a good one, and I always have been. I fought this thing alone for a good thirty years before I found an effective thing to help and never allowed it to get out and harm anyone by my actions or (I think) through manifestation and the like. As powerful as The Demon feels, my will is stronger than him. The “me” point here in my mind set the priority to not allow this thing to harm anyone else, and I’ve done such a good job at it that it hasn’t. I’ve prioritized that over using my will for things that would advance my goals or feel good. This could easily have turned me into a violent sociopath. I chose not to allow that.
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The mental barrier I created to constrain the Demon was originally designed to keep it from reaching the outside world. “I” was locked in with it. That meant that while it couldn’t hurt anyone else, it could hurt me. The negative mental voices that used to rip me down on a daily basis got their force and energy from the same place as the rage fantasies did. One of the things I’m getting from sub use, and DR in particular seems to be another barrier that keeps it from getting to me as well.
This effect has also kept me kind of separated from most other people. I’m on the inside of the barrier and they’re on the outside. That makes connections difficult. -
Whatever stops the Demon from getting out also stops me from reaching my desires and passions. Whenever I’ve tried, I just go emotionally flat.
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The Negator I mentioned a few weeks ago is set the way it is partly in order to stop my rage fantasies from manifesting harm. Once again, it can’t seem to tell wether I’m trying to manifest something good, or accidentally manifest harm to another, it just negates it all as fantasy.
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What this has made clear is that DR and I have to find a way of getting rid of the high pressure anger in there without letting it explode out. At one point I thought that I would waste my life just using my will to keep that inside without hurting anyone. That’s no longer good enough for me. I’m going to have the life I want and be able to enjoy it.
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- My supervisor tonight just told me that I’m often used as an example when talking about work ethic, punctuality, not getting involved in drama, and otherwise being a good employee. That felt good.
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I kept trying to tell you how awesome you are…
Now about this demon, what do you want in place of that demon?
What is the process this other thing would do that is different than this demon?
Inner peace?
Sense of harmony?
Calm?
Love?
I already know. I’m actually not joking when it comes to doing my job well.
Well, if I’m going to have a demon, I’d prefer my own personal succubus. Beats the hell out a rage violence demon.
In all seriousness, I’d like a genuine sense of superiority thats secure enough that I don’t feel the need to get angry and can just laugh it off and never think of it again.
I think that is a good Dragon goal.
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A couple of conversations here and what I’ve been thinking about today kind of melded until I got to pondering what it is that I really want that I’m not getting and how does that drive my feelings and behaviors.
#1 Answer: Respect.
A lot of people crave love, acceptance, belonging and all of that. They’re nice, but I can be happy without them. The one thing that I really need, and feel the lack of most keenly is respect.
I can deal with being disliked, even hated without the slightest concern. I can handle not fitting in just fine Hell, I even take pride in it sometimes. I’m even find with being on my own without any kind of support from others, once again, I take some pride in my ability to stand on my own.
What really brings that demon up is when I feel disrespected. I know that this shows somewhat of an external locus of control, but I’m working on that.
What really gets me is when someone is able to act like I am beneath them, they are better than me, or they are able to exercise power over me and I can’t stop them, or breach one of my boundaries with impunity. Oh, and I really hate having my flaws and mistakes pointed out. Especially if they have a point.
Why does all of that piss me off? Because if someone else can disrespect me without consequences, it makes me doubt that I am worthy of my own respect of course.
A lot of my dissatisfaction with my marriage stems from the fact that while I know my wife loves me, I feel that she does not show me any respect. Her behavior IS often out of line, but this is why it bothers me so much. When she’s in Mrs. Hyde mode, she speaks like she’s so far above me that she has the right to treat me however the mood strikes her no matter how small the issue is.
Come to think of it, a better way to put all of this is that I REALLY don’t like feeling inferior to others, or even feeling that I maybe might be inferior to any one in any way. -
Running a test loop of Dragon Emperor Stage 2 as we speak. As well as being stage two of DR, I’ve added Furious Ascent, Fearsome, Eagle Eye, and Eye of the Storm. I just want to see how this one hits before I officially get into the swing of it and add RICH back in.
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- First loop of stage two complete. During the run, I felt that usual kind of dizzy, kind of out of it feeling I get on a new sub. I got a lot of energy movement too. It felt denser and closer in to my body than when I started stage one. Good feeling though.
A couple of hours afterwards I was thinking about taking an oral board interview, which I will probably have to do for the hiring process I’m in. Normally, that causes me at least minor trepidation because they have been nerve racking for me in the past, and were the usual failure point for me. This time, the thought brought a “hell yeah, let’s DO this” type of reaction. That was a surprise after only one loop. I suspect Furious Ascent on that. That’s some strong Whiskey (as opposed to weak tea) right there.
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And I thought about The Demon. The mental answer was “ah FUCK The Demon” with a mental chuckle.
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I’m actually feeling really good. Happy, borderline euphoric.
It’s called being treated with contempt, lowering your status to elevate themselves, and it pisses you off because you think you deserve better. Now look at that statement I just typed, and you decide if it’s true. Keep in mind that some people might be pointing something out to help you. I do that on here. But believe me, I feel only desire for your success and happiness.
You forgot the upper case D… maybe its power is weakening. I think the Dragon is going to take over after it shrinks the demon.
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That’s definitely what it is, the issue is that my mental reaction to it is WAY out of proportion to most of the offenses, and while I don’t do anything about it, I get way angrier for way longer than I should. This bothers me, not whoever disrespected me.
I hate to admit but my internal reaction to someone trying to lower my status uncomfortably reminds me of some of the gang bangers I dealt with when I worked in the prison system. With them, maintaining status was a matter of life and death so such an extreme emotional reaction made sense. In my case it has no effect on my life if someone I won’t ever see again says something rude to me.
I might also be seeing disrespect in places where none is intended.
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These are great insights! I’ve found DR is greatly reducing my reactions…
So I think you have something more to look forward to.
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- I wrote the following on @subliminalguy’s journal.
The most freeing thing I’ve ever realized was that my parents were royally effed up before I was born. Their mental crap had nothing to do with me, I was just born in the line of fire. It isn’t my responsibility to fix problems that I didn’t cause.
My parents were both very damaged people, and a lot of the issues I’ve delved into trace back to how they acted and related to me.
The thing is that all of that was them acting out issues that they had long before they brought me into the world, and they’d have acted them out on me no matter what I did or who I was. Nothing to do with me.
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- Something popped into my head when I mentioned my parents. I’ve mentioned that one of my subconscious problems is (going on was) a deep seated expectation of failure which came from my parents expecting me to fail. Well, how did I get that in my head?
A big part of that came from my father. He was (he’s a bit better now) the most negative person I’ve ever met. He was not subtle about expecting me to fail. He said things like “when you fail at this” and talked like it was an inevitability and just matter of fact like the sun was going to rise in the morning. When I succeed at something, he acted really weird. He showed a lot of overblown enthusiasm that reeked of fakeness. Then would say something that made it clear that he knew it was a fluke, or that it was too easy to be a real success.
Now, why did he do that? Because he cared about me and wanted me to succeed in life.
Seriously.
I’m not joking.
I don’t know where Dad got the negativity stuck in his head, but it really came out when he lost his longtime job and my Mom discarded him in the same month when I was five. After that, he fully expected everything he cared about, everything he hoped for to end in absolute disaster. The more he cared about anything, the surer he was that the worst possible outcome was assured. This is the exact same pattern of thinking that I’m unraveling as we speak. Because I was exposed to that in a very unadulterated form by someone I naturally trusted and admired just as I was learning to think about things, it transferred to me without me having the chance to counter it or realize what was happening.
It’s great that I saw this. It wasn’t my pattern, wasn’t my issue, and once again, had nothing to do with me.
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- It’s been a few hours since my loop for tonight. I feel weird. It’s very peaceful, but theres a sense of emotions that I’m not used to feeling swirling beneath the surface. Nothing bad, and the volume is low while the variety is great. I can’t really identify anything, I’m feeling it but detached from it at the same time.
I played some songs that remind me of the last ex I got messed up over. I do that periodically as a test. I didn’t feel nothing like last time, but I was completely at peace with what I did feel. Not that I can describe it really.
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These are big insights! Wow! You are on your way to a better mind set mate!
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I woke up feeling very positive today. The feeling has come and gone all day. It’s a pretty mild version of that tingling euphoria feeling I sometimes get from subs, butthat doesn’t usually happen while I’m going through the course of my normal day.
I had a lot of energy too, and I’d say I had the drive to get things done. However, it didn’t really feel like drive, I just thought to do things and did them as a matter of course.
For instance, I had the dishes from cooking dinner done and put away before I went to work today and it didn’t seem like an imposition on my time. -
No insights or anything like that so far today.
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- I have noticed something really interesting the last couple of weeks. My brain works better. I don’t necessarily mean I’m smarter, it’s just that things run smoother.
I especially notice that I remember things at the time I’m supposed to. For instance, before I went to work, my wife asked me to stop for milk. Before, there would be a good chance that I’d forget it in the intervening eight hours. I did set a reminder on my phone, but I didn’t need it. Things like that have been pretty consistent, but it was so subtle I didn’t really make note of it.
Also that test I took seemed much easier than I’m used to, and I was much more sure of my answers.