I’ve noticed this too. I think when DR removes the mental trash, the brain works smoother. Less inner conflict and noise.
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Today I learned that I passed that test I took a few weeks back. I’m not at all surprised, matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I got a perfect score.
Now comes the real test. I’ve got one of those panel interviews set for the end of the month.
At the moment I have a different attitude towards the whole thing. If I get it, awesome. If I don’t, it’s not really a big deal. I will try to maintain that throughout. I will carefully observe how I’m thinking and feeling as the time approaches. -
@subliminalguy said something very interesting in his journal. He said that feeling the things he wanted to felt foreign and therefore scary. I’ve really been trying to pin down the whys and wherefores of my “success ceiling” and fear of success. That might be the most basic piece of it. It might just be that I’m not used to having success, or more importantly feeling successful that it feels really strange and somewhat frightening when I start to feel like I’m achieving it.
I’m just used to operating in a certain range, at least as far as how successful I feel goes. If I exceed that range, I’m in uncharted territory, and while on a conscious level that’s where I wanted to be, my subconscious doesn’t know how to deal with it or what to do. That causes a lot of discomfort and it guides me to get back below the line in order to get back to familiar territory and relieve it. That is fucking stupid, but it’s very ingrained.
That explains what happened when I got the job I wanted. As I said, it was a massive surprise when I got it. Then, as I got into it, I started feeling more and more uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and like I shouldn’t be there. I actually remember fantasizing about a job that was extremely easy and where I could just sit there and think. Exactly like the one I have now. (Why the FUCK does manifestation work like a charm when I DON’T want it to?)
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I think you are sounding like a different person than even 2 weeks ago! Congratulate yourself!
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- Something snuck up on me. It began a few months ago when I got sick of leaving my clean laundry in the hamper and dumping the dirty stuff on the floor. Messy closet and clean stuff got hard to find. I cleaned the closet. Nothing new here, I do that periodically and let it get messy again. I started putting my clothes away in an organized fashion after washing them every week (Big accomplishment right?). Then I cleaned up the cat area, which I usually let go way too long. And I’ve wound up doing that every week too without thinking about it too much. And this week, I realized that I’ve vacuumed the floors three weeks in a row.
Damn, I’m suddenly developing good habits, and I wasn’t even trying.
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**Stage 2 Cycle 1 Week 1**
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Here we go. I’ve had some trepidation about stage two, but I made a plan at the beginning of this journey and I’m sticking to it. I could say I needed more re time on stage one which seems to deal with things on a logical rather than emotional level, and that might be beneficial, but it would be bullshit. If I’m afraid of dealing with my emotions, that’s probably exactly what I need to do. I said twelve weeks per stage, and thats what I’m going to do. Since I ran three loops last week, I’m going to start at two loops of DE st 2 tonight, and maybe add another loop and add RICH back in sometime this week.
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I had a further thought about my last post. It seems to me that those good habits crept in the same way bad ones usually do.
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My original intent in running DR was to make a direct frontal assault on my “success ceiling”. I think I’ve made a lot of progress on stage one from just figuring out exactly what thinking patterns are causing me not to allow myself to succeed beyond a certain level, which is very low considering my actual intelligence and capabilities. DR has helped me analyze a lot of the beliefs I had about myself, realize where they came from, recognize that I was thinking about them incorrectly (or in an unhealthy way) and find a better way to think about it which leads to better assumptions.
So far, the reasons that I deny my self the success that I’m capable of achieving that I’ve been able to identify are:
- I was always told directly and indirectly that I was incapable, inferior, never going to amount to anything, ect. It came from my parents and when I got to school, from everyone there. The message seeped in over the years because it was so consistent and became part of how I thought i and reality worked. We tend to call that low self esteem. Naturally, my behavior became consistent with my view of myself, and it was a self reinforcing cycle.
Here’s the thing about that. My parents behavior toward me had nothing to do with me. They were both fucked in the head, with among other things, low self esteem long before I was born. They both felt a need to prove to themselves that they were superior to someone. They weren’t able to just think themselves superior either, they had to show their superiority to that person by running them down and controlling them.
This lead me to think that I can’t succeed because I was incapable of it.
There was only one person either of them were able to do that to who couldn’t fight back or get out of the situation. It would have happened to any child they had and no matter what they did because it was their own issues being acted out. - Despite a really messed up relationship, I was very close to my father and I idolized him. That is because when I was five, and supposed to be idolizing him, his life fell apart. In the same month, my mother divorced him, and he lost the good middle management job that he’d worked into over his entire career. That devastated him. His entire worldview, at least what he showed me altered. I assume he had a pretty good case of imposter syndrome before that, but after that, he viewed himself as a complete and utter failure at life. He became the most negative person I have ever met.
I think that the stage of my development at the time had a lot to do with the effect it had on me. I was at the age when you are supposed to model yourself off of your father, and he started saying that he was a failure and a worthless person. I didn’t know it of course, but my natural development as a man told me that that’s how a man is supposed to be. Bad thing. It got embedded in my subconscious that I’m not supposed to succeed greatly. - To make matters worse, Dad started leaning on me for his emotional support. I was six, and had no clue that this was not how it was supposed to be, no idea of how to handle it, and unable to mature emotionally with that kind of weight on my shoulders. It got into my head that I was responsible for his emotional state in both the short and long term. That translated to it being my fault that he was depressed, had a rage problem, couldn’t see himself putting his life back together, and being generally miserable. Not only that, but it was my responsibility to fix it. Before worrying about myself.
The impression that this drove into my deep subconscious was that if I were to be successful, or feel successful at any rate, I would be betraying him and leaving him behind. (Please note, this impression is mine, not my father’s). As well as not fulfilling my primary responsibility in life. I was not aware of these things for most of my life, but it manifested as an undefinable sense that I was doing something wrong when I started to succeed at anything. - At the same time that that sense of wrong at success was being formed, Dad also instilled a terrible fear of failure in me. He was actually terrified that I’d “end up as a failure like him”, so he tried to push me to perfection. The only way he knew how to do that was react as harshly as possible to any mistake, accident, imperfection of any kind. Any imperfection was a failure, and any failure meant that I was an irredeemable failure. That left me in a bit of a conundrum. I wasn’t supposed to succeed, but failure of any kind was unacceptable.
My mother, for her part would use any flaw or weakness she could detect in me to tear down and hurt me as much as she could. I later figured out that she did this because she hated and feared men, especially strong men. She was terrified of me becoming one, and figuring out that she wasn’t superior to me.
My solution was to withdraw and be passive. I was afraid to try anything that involved risk of failure. - I got the impression from somewhere that I was “unlucky” or that God or the universe or whatever would never let me succeed. I’m not sure exactly where this one came from, but I know now that reality appearing to bear it out is a result of the notion being there in my deep subconscious and having strong natural manifestation abilities. Oops. Knowing about it seems to have alleviated the problem to some extent.
- We had the first major spring snowstorm today. It once again struck me how much calmer I am driving in this crap than I was this time last year. I’ve always been good at it, but the difference is that now I know deep down that I’m good at it. I used to feel stressed out as hell from start to finish. Today, I went through intermittent white out passed dozens of stuck cars, and felt just as calm as if it was a normal day. The difference was I have real faith in my skill and ability.
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This makes me think of “Quantum Leap”! 
Right there with you
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- I felt that slight pulsing dizziness that tells me that I’m listening to a new sub that my subconscious isn’t used to during my loops tonight. Its not an unpleasant sensation and just serves to tell me that I am hearing something, and it is starting to do something. It usually fades away as the sub really starts to penetrate.
Other than that, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary during my loops or in the hours since. We’ll see what happens after I sleep.
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@COWolfe There are heaps of insights in your above 2 posts.
I think you have many rewards to look forward to as you continue with stage 2.
I’ve been listening to stage 4 for over 2 months and the rewards keep showing up.
on mate!
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bro that is quite a lot of realisations…
how did u dig so deep in your childhood man…? its fascinating
did the subs bring back memories?
i wish I could see my childhood so clearly… I’m 23 but cant remember things in as much detail as you…
i too would like to know where my limitations come from…
all the best on ur journey!
I think the only way to know the full extent of this is to actually experience Dragon Reborn. It is almost surreal.
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Thats kind of a summary of what I got on stage one, they didn’t all just hit me today.
I’ve always had a really comprehensive memory, but now I’m looking at it all differently.
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For some reason, I connected deeply with this. I’ve used this on myself, both viewpoints simultaneously, and it makes me withdraw from risk (since someone’s always disappointed). I’ve lived with this no-win belief myself about all my life.
I also appreciate you sticking with your 12 week plan. I realize me going on without a plan is setting me up for failure–reliving the no-win situation.
The question I come up with after reading this is “How do I win when failing seems so much … more attactive?”
I just finished a loop of St1, so it’s on my mind. Gonna check my timelines since starting my custom St1. Thank you for posting this.
The hell of it is that I had this Catch 22 program running in the back of my mind for like thirty some odd years and didn’t have a clue about it. I didn’t figure out that that’s why I’ve been so ambition less until recently.
Failing didn’t seem more attractive. It was completely unacceptable and meant that I was utterly worthless. Success seemed like I was doing something wrong, I wasn’t supposed to do that.
The solution, such as it was, was to avoid anything that I could succeed or fail at as much as possible, and do passive things. I spent a lot of time reading for instance.
If I was forced into a situation where I had to succeed or fail, near as I can tell, I solved that problem by not trying. That resulted in failure on paper, but if I didn’t try, I didn’t have to admit it in my own head.
Where school was concerned, this took the guise of “fighting the power” and defying what I was told to do.
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WOW!! i know that one TOO well!! I used to love the sanctity of hiding in a library. When I began looking at this in 12 step groups, my motivation to hide dwindled. I also thought people could see through my front, so I’ve not hidden in the library in years. I just stay home now.
Me too. This showed up heavily when I was out of work in 2010. I’d never been jobless. But failing scared the shite out of me…and so did succeeding! I sat home for a year (mostly) in limbo.
(sorry @COWolfe. I probably sound like your dad here)
Sorry for what? You sound like my dad if he were a bit more self aware than he was. He never got past the woe is me phase, and couldn’t stop with the doom and gloom long enough to think about what was actually going on in his head, let alone try to do anything about it.
I’m not judging him either, he didn’t have the good fortune to find the tools to fix it, we have.
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@subliminalguy, you are very good at making me think of things.
A discussion on his thread made me think of something. I came up with some times when I’ve broken out of the mental trap and really tried with all of my might to win or succeed at something.
It’s been when everyone was cheering against me.
In a martial arts competition or fight, I was really able to “switch on” my killer instinct when everyone in the room was cheering for the other guy, and saying he could take me easily. On anything else, I really went for something when others said I couldn’t do it and made fun of me for thinking I could.
That’s the only times I’ve really been able to access the “Fire in my belly” as far as I can think of.
I really don’t know what that means in a wider sense. However, I’ve been wondering for a while how I can access my drives and passions which have seemed to be hidden for a long time. This is the first clue I’ve come across.
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- I had a pretty frustrating day yesterday. I know how to drive on crappy roads after a major snowstorm. So the first thirty miles of my drive home went ok, and it hardly took me more than the usual forty minutes. The last hundred feet, not so much. That took an hour and a half. You see, the city I live in does not believe in ploughing residential streets, any of them, ever. The snow was up over the bumper of my car, so it didn’t matter how good I was, I got stuck. From there, it was a cycle of shoveling myself out, going forward until I got stuck again, and repeat.
I was aggravated and in a bad mood, but what struck me was how much less intense stress, frustration and bad mood feel now than they used to.
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I’m getting a bit of an impression of what stage two is doing. Stage one neutralized the negative thought patterns. Partly by bringing them to my conscious attention and showing how illogical and untrue they were, and I’m sure doing other things that I’m unaware of behind the veil. There were probably other bad programs shut down that I don’t even know about.
Think of it as killing the tumors or pathogens so they can’t do any further damage.
What I think stage two is doing is repairing the damage that years of negative emotion that those patterns caused did.
Think of that as regrowing healthy tissue that was destroyed by the tumor or pathogen, and putting me back to the state I’d be in if the damage was never done.
This is likely to be less of a visible process, or at least harder to put into words. -
I woke up with a bit of a sub hangover this morning, but still had plenty of energy to shovel a crap ton of snow off of the sidewalk before work. I still feel good now.
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- I just ordered a custom ultima for my panel interview at the end of the month. It includes.
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The Commander Ultima. This gives the basic presence that I want to project for this position, plus confidence, which has been a problem for me in these things.
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True Social Ultima. Th help me to interact with hue panel members effectively. It’s as much about them liking me as anything else.
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Dragon Tongue. Lets supercharge my verbal abilities for this.
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Furious Ascent. I used to feel fear at these things. It would be great to turn it into thrill and enthusiasm.
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Information Releaser. They might or might not ask things that require me to have previous knowledge.
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Mosaic.
The Commander/True Social combo may well have other uses as well.
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