- I had a good conversation with my wife last night. She asked something, and it got onto how I perceive her moods and behaviors. She actually seemed interested and listened. This is a first. She told me that she doesn’t see that she’s doing it when she’s “in it”.
I was very blunt. I told her that I saw her as kind of a Jekyl and Hyde kind of person, and that I’d thought of leaving her on a fairly regular basis.
She listened, she didn’t try to invalidate or argue me out of seeing things the way I do. She actually thanked me for my patience and restraint.
She actually started the conversation by saying what an awesome husband I am, and acknowledging how much I do for her and my family.
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SWEET! Right on.
This sounds like an unexpected change.
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It was a bit of a surprise. She actually showed a bit of self awareness. We shall see if it’s any kind of long term change.
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I agree. I would also encourage you to think of ways to perhaps nurture or cultivate this event.
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Insight from another journal.
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- The discussion in another journal that I cited got me thinking. I always get my needs met. If I absolutely need something to keep life from falling to absolute shit, I am always able to find it. Thats the bottom end of that Negator phenomenon I was talking about a while ago. I can envision life going to a really bad place, and that envisioning causes fear, but a very powerful part of me comes in and says “nah, that can’t really happen to you, it doesn’t fit my image of what life is supposed to be like”.
The same thing that’s made it difficult for me to level up and get to a place where life is less of a struggle and more rewarding has kept it from becoming a real shitshow.
That image includes how much success I am supposed to have, how hard life is supposed to be, how lucky I am, and a bunch of other things. It’s really powerful. I think that I am gradually modifying it, but it’s a hard road.
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You consistently make progress. You are doing well on DR and I have been consistently enjoying reading your journal. Thank you.
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**Stage 1 Cycle 2 Week 5**
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This is my last active listening week of stage one. The difference in me is quite impressive. I may not have completely gotten rid of every mental hangup I have, but I’ve made good progress on it. I also understand why they exist, how they got there, and the thinking that they caused has largely changed, and continues to.
If there’s anything left, it’s coming out as pure emotion from damage that I’ve accrued, and is resistant to being fixed with rational thought. There seems to be a lot less of that happening even on this stage. I’m expecting stage two to really dig into that.
Next week is a scheduled washout and I get on stage two the week after. -
This was a very good weekend even though I didn’t get everything done that I’d planned. A couple of things came up and I had to adjust a bit. I find myself focusing on the things I did get done rather than the things that I didn’t, and feeling good about it.
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The wife and I got along really well this weekend. And not just when we were having that discussion I mentioned earlier.
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I took an online written test for a job in the field that I’ve been trying to get into for years. I’m sure I kicked ass on it. I’ve rarely had issues with that stage, but still, my brain seemed to work at maximum efficiency and I didn’t feel the slightest bit of stress about the time pressure.
This time feels different. I don’t feel excited about getting back into that field, but I don’t feel any anxiety about not getting it either. I think that my ego was always heavily involved and consequently very threatened by the prospect of failure before and isn’t at all now. I will do my best on the rest of the process and what will be will be.
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The limits of logic mate!
I’m noticing since on DR people who are usually contentious are much easier for me to get along with.
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I got one other thing today. I looked in the mirror, and liked what I saw. First off, the man I saw looking back was fully a man. I often saw a boy up until very recently. Second, I’m a very good looking man. I was not good looking as a kid, and was told that I was ugly so many times that I believed it at least partly. It appears that that mental damage has been cleared. Third, there’s something new in the way I carry myself. I’ve been seeing improvement in my body language for a long time, but this was more than that. This was a different guy. One who is in charge of any room he walks into and can have whatever he wants in life, not for the asking, but if he goes out and gets it. There was real confidence there, maybe a bit of arrogance, but a lot of what I’ve always wanted to see in myself. If I see that in the mirror, that means that’s what I really think of myself. Damn that’s awesome.
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I’m sure I passed that test with flying colors, so I’m going to have to do one of those formal panel interviews again. I’ve been thinking about how to help myself with that, and a custom ultima might be just what I need. What I’m thinking so far.
Oral Board Ultima
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The Commander. Overall bearing and command presence. Also helps me to be sure and decisive with my answers.
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True Social Ultima Core. Helps me to get along and connect with panel members. Plus helps rid me of the social and performance anxiety that’s been a problem in the past.
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Dragon Tongue. Pretty self explanatory. Helps me express myself well.
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Furious Ascent. Deals with anxiety and nervousness and turns it into enthusiasm.
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Information Releaser. Helps me recall any factual information I need to.
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Invincible Presence. Self explanatory.
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This is kick-ass! Love the progress you’re making.
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Wow dude! This is great! Now do you believe me that you’re awesome?
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I’m finding my awesomeness a little more each day. It is more figuring out that I’ve been awesome all along and didn’t believe it too.
That’s the spirit mate!
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A conversation in another thread and what I talked about last night brought something up. That is how I currently feel about my employment situation.
I know that my current job is a stagnant dead end. Staying here for a lot longer will not do anything good for me emotionally, financially (other than allowing me to maintain) or in any other aspect of my life.
I got it right after I lost the type of job that I really wanted for the second time. I got it right away preventing worse financial problems than we had and it actually paid a bit more than the job I’d lost. If I take a bird’s eye view, that was one heck of a manifestation/stroke of luck. I am very grateful for that.
It gave me something else I needed as well. This is a high end security job. On paper it sounds pretty badass, but what I actually do is sit in an out building all night and check a few IDs as people come in. It’s like 98% downtime. All I really have to do is stay reasonably alert in case something happens.
This has given me a lot of time to myself, which I needed to think and reflect, realize that something needed to change, and finally get it through my skull that that something has to be ME before anything about my life was really going to get better. It allowed me time and seclusion to focus on what I needed to do, and look for new ways of doing it. In other words to find a new and better class of subs, and be able to focus on running them and concentrating on the process they caused. Again, I am grateful for the opportunity.
(Excuse me if I ramble a bit here, writing things out really helps me think them out but new things keep coming up as I write).
For about fifteen years before this, I was absolutely frantically trying to get into a certain career field, and having no luck at it. I got into a pretty close approximation, but seemed stuck there. I applied again and again to agency after agency always being rejected.
I now see what the problem was here. I was focusing all of my energy on getting the job and not on becoming someone who would get hired for that job, let alone someone who would be awesome at it once I got it. I was focusing on making surface changes to get to that goal and ignoring the deeper problems that were causing me to have difficulty getting there in the first place. Primarily I was trying to look like I was confident rather than figuring out how to develop confidence. If I studied anything it was how to do better at the specific type of interview they do.
It didn’t work well. The people who sit on those panels can spot a faker from three states away.
Eventually in 2015, I stumbled on a way to force it. I had been using subs off and on since 2008, and I found another company (y’all know the one) made one for manifesting one’s ideal employment.
Damn if that one didn’t work like gang busters. It took no more than three months (mind you, the hiring process in my line of work can take six or eight) An agency that I’d applied to many times in the past snapped me up at turbo speed, and for the exact job I wanted. Unfortunately the sub did nothing to prevent me from self sabotaging and losing that job right off the bat. I tried that sub again and it worked right out of the blue within two months again. More or less the same thing happened.
Then I got this job. At first I tried to get back into my career, and this time I had more confidence in my ability to get the jobs. That’s when some really off the wall things started happening to derail me when I’d almost gotten it. This was bizarre, but obviously there was some reason that it was happening. I have two theories and they may both be true. One of them is the reason I put Immortal’s Blade in here. The other is that my subconscious/higher self/whatever the hell else you want to call it thinks I need a time out until I can get my internal shit sorted out enough that I can move forward in whatever direction it’s best for me to go in.
One reason I was having so many issues with getting the job I wanted was that my ego was dependent on me getting a certain result each and every time. I’d always convince myself that this was the one when I applied, go into the interview with fear that it wasn’t, and feel crushed and defeated when it wasn’t. That did a lot of damage. There was a lesson in that that I was failing to learn again and again. As best as I can word it it is that I shouldn’t let my sense of self worth depend on any one external result. I should open as many pathways to getting what I want as possible, and remember that it’s never about me when one of them doesn’t work.
Also, the primary energy that was driving me during that time was fear, not any kind of genuine passion. I was afraid of failing to get that job because it was the first big thing in my life that I’d really put myself out there and TRIED to achieve. Since I viewed any failure as total failure as a person, I feared that would mean that I was a worthless failure as a person. And I felt like one with every single rejection letter. I wasn’t frantically running TO a job that would fulfill me, I was running FROM that feeling of existential worthlessness. I didn’t even really want to escape my boring jobs that I had during the time. I wanted to escape the feeling that I was a failure. Holy Crap! I just saw that plain as day.
Well, at some point here I stopped seeing myself as a failure every time something didn’t work out. I see my current situation differently.
This job is something I needed to see all of this. I needed to sit in it until I saw the roots of the problem for what they were, and started to face and deal with them.
I feel differently about the hiring process I just took the test for too. If I get it awesome, but if I don’t, I’m still awesome, and something even better will come along when I’m ready. My ego is not threatened. I will find something better the second I am ready. I half suspect that will be shortly after I finish my DR run. -
As I was writing all of that, the many successes I’ve had during that period of time became clear. To list a few.
I manifested two good jobs right when I’d lost others. I have managed to keep my family’s head above water through three years of very trying financial trouble by continuing to work the problems as well as manifesting some bloody miracles. I have found very effective tools that actually allow me to do the mental work to get to this point. I have learned that the universe really does always provide what I need as long as I keep doing the work to find it. I kept trying for what I wanted long past the point where most people would give up. I have learned real patience with my situation. I have learned to have true faith in myself.
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- When I started that I was thinking that I didn’t have much to write about today.
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I don’t usually quote myself, but this is important. If I hadn’t gone in with the subconscious pressure that I was putting on myself by thinking that each interview was make or break for my self worth, I wouldn’t have felt so much anxiety each time. There’s a lesson there about letting go of the result of any given attempt. I could have saved myself a lot of pain that way, and likely had the career I wanted right now.
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I think you have just had another significant break through. Hold on to your photons because it’s time for an overhaul!
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- AAANND the wife turned into Mrs. Hyde on me again. In the time it took me to get dressed for work. I went upstairs after dinner and she was all smiles, and I came down and she was talking to me like the red headed step child she never wanted over some ridiculously inconsequential things. She just kept on with the degrading argument no matter what I said. Just like always when she gets into this state. I don’t know if she can’t control it or won’t, but it’s bad.
The roommate came out and yelled at her. That usually stops her for the moment, but not this time. She just kept going.
I am very close to deciding I’m done with this. I mean one of her personalities is my favorite person on earth. The other one I don’t want to be within ten miles of.
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