This is the truth. Only truth.
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Damn that I don’t understand? If you have everything you want and she contribute to that (and I’m not saying just by existing and she does nothing, but actively participating in giving you all you want), why would you not treat her like a princess?
Bro, he clearly doesn’t. From what he’s telling us, he could provide everything and she’d still have another link at the same time.
Oh yeah def, I mean in this situation, the girl clearly doesn’t bring him everything. And ask for a lot…
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Preach to this
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A lot more profound than most will understand.
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Agreed, a lot of wisdom in this thread. So refreshing to see
First of all, whether you lie or not should be dictated by your own morality, not her.
–
If lying is not okay and you want to make this relationship work, you should WORK IT OUT with her.
As much as people want to say “dump her”, we’re not you.
I understand you want to make this relationship work regardless of the demerits.
If not, we won’t be having this conversation now. You’d have just walked away.
The only one who can choose whether to stick with the relationship or not is you alone.
The only one who can make it work, if you choose to stick with it, is also only you.
Lay out your lines.
Tell her clearly what you will tolerate and what you won’t.
Work out your differences.
It’s better to tackle the hard topics now than realizing that you two can’t much later on.
If you two can’t handle hard topics, neither of you has any business being in a relationship.
In that case, keep her as a friend with benefits with no attachment or dump her, whichever you prefer.
You hold the final decision.
Thank you for your honesty.
You know where to work from with that information, better than anyone else.
Whether you want to improve or to stay in your comfort zone, it’s entirely up to you.
Either way, you should commit to one and do your utmost to make it the best choice.
Honestly, you sound like one of the girls I’m in a relation with (blame WB, lol).
I told her game is game. I’ll be there for her, but I’m not just hers.
We were able to work on a compromise from there on.
But seriously, work it out with her.
A relationship works both ways. You want her in your life; she wants you in her life.
If she’s really someone worthy of you to pursue, then at least have some faith that she wants to make this work as much as you do.
Find a compromise that works for you two.
If it’s not possible, you’d be better off letting go of this neediness towards her.
You do not want to be in a relationship where you can’t even work out something like this.
… Unless you want to. Again, your preference.
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You seem like a smart and thoughtful guy @LikeADrug , and it takes something to air this part of your life out for others to chime in on…
It’s not easy to accept this kind of feedback, but you’ve handled it better than most I’d say with calm, measured responses.
And most of us here seem to have gone through “it” with a woman/desire at some point, so you’ve gotten a lot of good advice.
So, I’ll take a different tact and suggest you mull over a simple concept that isn’t a very “positive” way to look at others, but may help you grasp the reality of your situation and making your decision:
Everyone is motivated by self-interest.
Whether that self-interest aligns with the good or otherwise, it’s the driver of the behavior you’ve noticed in her. And maybe after mulling it over, you’ll see yours a little clearer.
Because it seems like your interest right now is: convenient sex with someone you can tolerate well enough.
And you’re debating sacrificing your integrity to get it:
No judgments here btw, I’ve been there…and I’m sure most if not all have experienced that in some form or fashion.
It’s my experience that sacrificing your integrity is something you want to avoid. Coming back from it will be more painful than the immediate pain of:
The ROI of this other path of self-interest you stated here will most likely be much higher than allowing her access to your resources in exchange for sex:
But imo, it will be ridiculously easy to “relapse” in the future if you don’t at least prove to yourself that you have other options… aka go out and chat with other women…for fun. To proactively practice. And to stave off that “cold, single, hopeless isolation” feeling.
And lastly, I’ll recommend skimming The Art of Seduction, but not as a “how to” or the end-all-be-all “tome of truth” about seduction…but as a way to open your mind to what seduction tactics YOU may be susceptible to. Because from what you’ve shared so far, it seems like she fits a certain type and it may be in your best interest to be aware so you don’t fall into this dilemma again.
All that is basically what I was trying to get across in the meme I shared 
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Its not about her sleeping with anyone its about her lying unprompted lol
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Ever heard of shame?
She doesn’t need to tell a guy she’s dating here her judgement.
@likeadrug you didn’t mention that she probably knows this is how you’d react.
So in that context, her telling you the truth is extremely admirable and brave. She owed you nothing when you weren’t dating and back then probably still really admired you and wanted your respect.
Now that she wants to date you she’s willing to tell you the whole truth right away so you don’t start your relationship on the wrong foot.
She seems to balance extreme honesty with selectivity - the jealous guy she used to fuck didn’t need to know
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I personally wouldn’t be able to trust her fully after that. But I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place because I think modern “dating” is broken and maybe it always has been.
Technically no one has any obligation to do anything, true. I’d see her for sex and fun, definitely not marry. If she wants more, pretend to be her bf, you have no obligation to tell her the truth. Lol jk…?
Then again, I also don’t know the tone of the phone conversations and how relations were during that period.
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@LikeADrug I can’t tell you what to do with your relationship with her, which perspective to take on regarding her/similar situations or even which sub will be best for your situation.
Honestly? I don’t even think this is a time to consider those options. I think this is a very crucial point of learning and self refinement.
What do I mean by this?
Learning about yourself.
- What is your genuine reaction to this situation? Emotions and thought patterns.
- Why do you think you had those reactions?
- Based on your own values/standards, are they actually credible or just your one sided desires?
Then you can use these to refine your course of action and boundaries.
only an example
- why is not lying truly important to you?
- how acceptable are her actions to you?
- based on these, what is your best course of action.
dealing/interacting with people
This is the point where the details/context of your relationship and conversations with her becomes important and up for review.
Here the goal is to develop the capacity to spot such patterns and navigate them the way you want to in the future. Rather than being caught off guard or in a less desirable situation.
- What has she said?
- What has she done?
- What did she subcommunicate?
- What and how did you feel mid interaction?
- What was your intuition telling you?
- Why do you think she did what she did?
- Can you spot this anywhere else?
- What could be your better course of action next time?
Why this advice?
- puts you back within the locus of what you can actually control and benefit from.
- helps you redefine and enforce your boundaries and values.
- prevents you from taking on perspectives that may be unhelpful to you and your specific situation (limiting beliefs, resentment, lesser perceived self-worth)
- you approach action taking from a point of authenticity and not because your situation blindsided you into it.
- you come out a better you more knowledgeable of yourself and how to interact with the world. With these you can even determine your sub use.
- you improve your ability to navigate similar situations in the future. (Reinforcing self sovereignty)
EDIT: Umm, I think I replied to the wrong post😭
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Nah, that’s not normal. I mean maybe it is these days, as the mainstream dating space tends to be a circus - but you should be at the level to where you want nothing to do with that. Which you are, so good job.
With a little more development in agency, you’ll get to the level where you don’t even need to ask around for these things because your own standard will trump the collectively agreed upon standard. So to give you an example, let’s say hypothetically for all intents and purposes - that she is correct. You ask everyone here and we all say “yes she’s correct because you’re not in a relationship yet”. However, you still feel this way:
You would just independently stick to what you feel and believe regardless of anyone’s input. You set the standards for your own dating preferences, interactions, and relationships. It’s all about what you want - not about what is collectively agreed upon as acceptable. I used to work a labor job where the supervisors would treat employees like cattle workers in subtle tonality, and it was just accepted by everyone as the workplace norm. “That’s just how it is bro, they’re always like that”. But deep down I always knew it was wrong despite how everyone perceived the dynamics or felt about them. It was wrong for me, and that’s the key. So always stick to your gut above anyone else’s opinion. Your own standards that you set for yourself as a man in every avenue of life. Set them, stick to them, and die by them, lol.
Good luck.
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I’m gonna be fully up front about how I feel -
Saying there is no OBLIGATION to be honest / tell the truth to someone reads as sketchy to me.
Sure, she doesn’t owe you the INFORMATION that she was sleeping with that guy, since you two were in fact not dating so it wasn’t “cheating,” but she didn’t need to LIE about it either for the exact same reason.
The objective reality is she was dishonest with you, unprompted.
Whether you want to date someone who lies to your face or not is up to you.
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For once, we got a thread with people spitting facts.
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A 30 minute article on agency.
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Shrug ask the women in your life directly instead of what’s predominantly a male forum with varying beliefs about women.
I know plenty who do, plenty who don’t and some who wish the men in their life were chill enough for casual sex. Women ain’t a hivemind
Edit: if there aren’t women you can ask these kinds of questions it might be a moment for deep and honest reflection.
Edit 2:
When I read that your gf shouldn’t have male friends etc I would see as an exaggeration but now I give them right.
My guy, that’s called control not love.
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This is scary at first, especially if you’ve given away your power and independence and depend on group think. But you could start small and you’ll grow in agency and self- trust. By thinking for yourself. It takes alot of energy to think for yourself and go against the collective pressure. But that’s how you build that muscle in my opinion and that’s why people default back to group think. It’s energy efficient.
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Agreed.
@LikeADrug Here is one potential understanding of the situation: She wants to be sexually involved with you and still do X. You don’t want to be sexually involved with a woman who does X.
Whether or not she had an obligation to tell you, do you want to be sexually involved with a woman who would tell you upfront before you started having sex with her?
Reflective question: Will this improve your self-esteem if you do so?
We could keep analyzing this situation, but there are already 50+ posts of analysis, and we could probably do another 100 posts of analysis easily. And the thing is as much analysis as we could do, there are a number of unknowns. We don’t know why she’s doing whatever it is she’s doing. Also we don’t even know if she is doing it because here’s an angle I would consider: how do we know if she said that just to get an emotional reaction out of you (and in fact she’s not having sex with this other man)? And if she is saying this to simply get an emotional reaction out of you, do you want to be involved with a woman who would do that?
Again, I think it is about what you want in the woman you’re sexually involved with.
What lessons have you learned?
Here are some more chances for self-reflection:
Can you learn lessons without feeling bitter or negative about women, sex, and relationships?
“The Tactical Guide to Women” by Dr. Shawn Smith might have some insights for you.
Now, the ball’s in your court. Your move.
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