Woman took the initiative to to say she has not been sleeping with her best friend, turns out she was. Was the lie acceptable?

[LikeADrug]

This happened to me: Woman I previously dated was sleeping in the bed of her best friend as she didn’t have anywhere to live and he covered all rent and everything else she needed. When I was talking with her on the phone, she stated that she is doing absolutely nothing sexual with her best friend in bed, only laying there because she can’t/doesn’t like to fall sleep alone. I was highly skeptical that she was not doing anything with him as I’m well familiar with her tendencies having dated her some, but I allowed some benefit of the doubt. Fast forward to after she went on a date with me again, and on the phone she 100% admits she had been friends-with-benefits with him. In other words, she was blatantly lying.

She claims she had no obligation to tell me the truth about it because me and her were not in an exclusive relationship at the time she said it. Personally I don’t think it matters whether we were in a relationship or not. I’ll point out I didn’t even ask or press her to know whether she was doing sexual things with him, it was entirely her initiative to bring up and say this lie; I wasn’t going to ask and just let her have her privacy.

I am wondering if you agree she had no obligation to tell the truth there? Again I’ll reiterate that I didn’t ask her for the information and she brought it up.

[summit]

[Jouissance]

This is a “you need to chill out” problem, not a problem with her

[BlissAdventurer]

At least, she is honest and she tells you the truth.

Now it’s up to you to decide.

[Wonders]

@summit

Yeah,

It reminds me of

a girl I used to know

Reminds me of a girl I know,
A girl I love(d) and thought I knew,
Felt like a mirage,
From another life.

I thought she liked me but she betrayed me,
She said she liked me but she betrayed me.

Pawned the consoles I lent her,
Fucked a guy in front of me,
The day after I confessed to her,
Didn’t defend me in court,
When I risked my life to save hers.

She stole from a thousand guys,
But I somehow thought I was special,
She lied to a thousand guys,
How could I think she didn’t with me?

Last album was my confession,
That she took for consecration,
Am thinking of making another,
To tell her she’s a [moderator edit: forbidden word] like no other.

I guess this is fine too,
I’m just a [moderator edit: forbidden word] as well too,
Is a [moderator edit: putting forbidden words in art, poetry, or songs still make then forbidden words] that give her soul away
Better or worse than one who give her body?

She don’t mix business and sex, I knew that,
I guess I was just a wallet, I knew that (somehow)
But I believed,
But I trusted,
In her words when she said
“I love you like no other”
“You’ll always be number one”

Sweet lies,
I tried,
She broke
My trust.

It’s over.
(“There will be nothing between us, you know?”)

[Furkan]

I’m asking this just out of curiosity is it norm(al) to females sleep with their male friends, is it common?

I have a roommate, and he said he slept with his female friend(s) and he said it’s okay for them, nothing big deal, probably they don’t sleep now but the girl has a boyfriend now and I asked him does the boy know the situation, he said no. And asked him again would you like to be in this boy’s situation and said no this time.

I wonder if this situations are common. When I read that your gf shouldn’t have male friends etc I would see as an exaggeration but now I give them right. if they attractive enough I think probably something will happen if it’s not physical, it will be emotionally.

And another thing I wonder is it common that the girl you dating not telling you to that she is dating someone else (if she does this)

[Benny]

@LikeADrug

Woman I previously dated was sleeping in the bed of her best friend as she didn’t have anywhere to live and he covered all rent and everything else she needed.

Meaning= she’s sleep with him.

@LikeADrug

When I was talking with her on the phone, she stated that she is doing absolutely nothing sexual with her best friend in bed, only laying there because she can’t/doesn’t like to fall sleep alone.

Why would you believe it?

@LikeADrug

She claims she had no obligation to tell me the truth about it because me and her were not in an exclusive relationship at the time she said it.

TBH She’s right she’s has the right for privacy

@Furkan

is it common?

No.

@Furkan

I have a roommate, and he said he slept with his female friend(s) and he said it’s okay for them

He’s probably attractive or just lying

[Furkan]

@Benny

@Furkan

I have a roommate, and he said he slept with his female friend(s) and he said it’s okay for them

He’s probably attractive or just lying

Not that attractive but I don’t believe he is lying, idk actually

[Michel]

You weren’t dating her, she had no obligation to tell you the truth. Period. In fact she wasn’t even lying if you read between the lines.

Your issue now is can you deal with the fact that she “doesn’t belong to you?” Does it annoy you that she has the type of choice most men would take for granted? If so, why aren’t you multiple dating too?

Turns out @SaintSovereign was right, most men deep down really do secretly want to be “the only one”, so why not give her something else to think about - you use subs, the other dude doesn’t… Wanted DreamBoi.

[Wonders]

@LikeADrug

This happened to me: Woman I previously dated was sleeping in the bed of her best friend as she didn’t have anywhere to live and he covered all rent and everything else she needed. When I was talking with her on the phone, she stated that she is doing absolutely nothing sexual with her best friend in bed, only laying there because she can’t/doesn’t like to fall sleep alone. I was highly skeptical that she was not doing anything with him as I’m well familiar with her tendencies having dated her some

At that point, it could have been that nothing happened. It happened to me with the former friend I talked about in the other message , she layed beside me, we never did anything, despite her liking to have many ONS with random people.

@LikeADrug

she 100% admits she had been friends-with-benefits with him. In other words, she was blatantly lying.

But yeah no, if either of them admit it, then it happened.
It wasn’t ok for her to lie, at all.
She could have ommited it and it would have been less of a betrayal, as you said:

@LikeADrug

I didn’t even ask or press her to know whether she was doing sexual things with him, it was entirely her initiative to bring up and say this lie; I wasn’t going to ask and just let her have her privacy.

but to me lying is a betrayal, and so absolutely not ok.
She didn’t have to lie, she could have just not said anything on it (since it’s her private life after all), but she chose to lie instead.
Probably because she felt some amount of guilt in regard to you. If she didn’t felt any kind of guilt in regard to you she wouldn’t have said anything.

Edit:

@Michel

You weren’t dating her, she had no obligation to tell you the truth. Period. In fact she wasn’t even lying if you read between the lines.

If she said she

is doing absolutely nothing sexual with her best friend in bed, only laying there because she can’t/doesn’t like to fall sleep alone

and then later she

100% admits she had been friends-with-benefits with him

then it’s not “reading between the lines”

@Michel

Your issue now is can you deal with the fact that she “doesn’t belong to you?” Does it annoy you that she has the type of choice most men would take for granted? If so, why aren’t you multiple dating too?

That’s not what I understand OP is saying. As I understand it, OP is more frustrated that she lied instead of just not saying anything on it

Personally I don’t think it matters whether we were in a relationship or not. I’ll point out I didn’t even ask or press her to know whether she was doing sexual things with him, it was entirely her initiative to bring up and say this lie; I wasn’t going to ask and just let her have her privacy.

@Michel

Turns out @SaintSovereign was right, most men deep down really do secretly want to be “the only one”, so why not give her something else to think about - you use subs, the other dude doesn’t… Wanted DreamBoi.

I absolutely agree with that though. It’s something that permeate the mono-normative myth.

[Moon]

@LikeADrug

She claims she had no obligation to tell me the truth about it because me and her were not in an exclusive relationship at the time she said it

I agree with her but I would take this as a hint of “Find someone else”. This seems like a mess that will blow up in your face.

@LikeADrug

Woman I previously dated was sleeping in the bed of her best friend as she didn’t have anywhere to live and he covered all rent and everything else she needed. When I was talking with her on the phone, she stated that she is doing absolutely nothing sexual with her best friend in bed, only laying there because she can’t/doesn’t like to fall sleep alone.

No disrespect, but this sounds like it’s her sugar daddy/boyfriend.

[Moon]

@Furkan

I’m asking this just out of curiosity is it norm(al) to females sleep with their male friends, is it common?

No. It’s not.

@Furkan

I have a roommate, and he said he slept with his female friend(s) and he said it’s okay for them, nothing big deal, probably they don’t sleep now but the girl has a boyfriend now and I asked him does the boy know the situation, he said no. And asked him again would you like to be in this boy’s situation and said no this time.

This is fucked. Honestly, for the boyfriend it’s messed up.

@Furkan

I wonder if this situations are common.

These are common as fuck now-a-days but during my parent time, they didn’t have these “No male/female friends”. Our gen don’t understand respect for one another. Sex has become something where it’s normalized ie doesn’t have that much significance as it did before.

[Moon]

@Wonders

That’s not what I understand OP is saying. As I understand it, OP is more frustrated that she lied instead of just not saying anything on it

To be honest, I understand he’s frustrated at her lying but if she lied about this then, I would imagine what else she would lie about. (Also find it mad weird she brought it up both times, I wonder why)

No reason to even care anymore. Moving on is the best move. No feelings no attachment.

[Andythegreat]

@Wonders

But yeah no, if either of them admit it, then it happened.
It wasn’t ok for her to lie, at all.

@Wonders

but to me lying is a betrayal, and so absolutely not ok.
She didn’t have to lie, she could have just not said anything on it (since it’s her private life after all), but she chose to lie instead.

^This

I’ve raised my standards very high because I used to be lied to a lot, and I gave people the benefit of the doubt too many times. It didn’t benefit me at all.

A friend used to tell me, “Oh my God, now I’ll have to choose another partner from 8 billion people! What a tragedy.” That became my motto for this kind of situation.

Honestly, do as you wish. For me, that mindset can hide even more red flags, and I’m not willing to ignore them anymore.

I’m not saying this is good or bad, to each their own. What I don’t want for you is this: you have a gut feeling, you ignore it, and later you realize you were right. That kind of experience can make you lose confidence in yourself in the future…

[William]

YOU yourself need to draw your own line, then make it clear.

Why does it matter whether she’s obliged or not?

It’s your relation.
You set the rule.

It’s your choice to conform to what she or others believe as her “obligation” or not.

Are you fine with it? Then good, move on.
Are you not? Appreciate her honesty then lay out your line & where she has crossed it.

What to do next is up to your own preference.

[RagnarLothbrok]

Yeah she is for the streets, never date a female that sleep in the same place as a different men which is not you.

Dating a girl that sleeps in the same bed with a man that is not me? Unthinkable.

[RagnarLothbrok]

How can you say this? She lied to him, and is actively sleeping with another man while they are dating.

[Moon]

@RagnarLothbrok

How can you say this? She lied to him, and is actively sleeping with another man while they are dating.

But they aren’t dating.

@LikeADrug

Woman I previously dated

Which could be taken as dated before but not now and are talking, WHICH I think everyone here is assuming so.

[GoldenTiger]

@LikeADrug

When I was talking with her on the phone, she stated that she is doing absolutely nothing sexual with her best friend in bed

Context here is key.

What was the context of the discussion? Were you guys talking both knowing you weren’t going to date in the future?

Because I see two scenario.

First : Either you both don’t have potential futures plan together and she just didn’t want to go into that topic and lied to protect her privacy, which in this context, it is really to protect her privacy

Second : You talk in the implicit or explicit context that you might see each others again, then she lied. But there is a level of deception included in that lie, because her having said that she was friend with benefits with the other guy might have influenced your decision. And at that moment, knowing it would have influenced your decision and or vision or her, whatever, which is important information to disclose.

@LikeADrug

because me and her were not in an exclusive relationship at the time she said it.

What does she mean, were you in a non-exclusive relationship? Were you in a relationship at all?

I’d say in the end context is key here to determine what was the intention behind that lie.

[Malkuth]

@Moon

@LikeADrug

She claims she had no obligation to tell me the truth about it because me and her were not in an exclusive relationship at the time she said it

I agree with her but I would take this as a hint of “Find someone else”. This seems like a mess that will blow up in your face.

This. Exactly.

And @William expressed it a bit more forcefully.

@William

Why does it matter whether she’s obliged or not?

It’s your relation.
You set the rule.

Exactly.

The one you’re arguing with right now is actually yourself.

And the reason you’re arguing with yourself?

It’s probably that she’s currently the ‘bird in hand’. She’s the warm bed that you’re sleeping in (metaphorically). Who wants to get out of that bed and walk through a cold room? Even if it’s messy and seems to have strange potato chip crumbs under the covers scratching at your legs. At least it’s warm, right?

We’ve probably all been there in one way or another.

It probably ultimately comes back to this:

@summit

If you knew that another woman who would like you more, who would not hide any of these things from you, and who you are equally or even more attracted to was right in the other room waiting for you right now, would you still be trying to do a legal breakdown of this woman’s ‘obligations’ to be open with you?