September 29, 2022
1st rest day
Day 14
I find myself looking for and wondering about old hideouts a bit today. I’ve done this for eons when something is hitting a core (mis)belief of mine.
I’m home due to the hurricane sweeping north, and high winds still prevail. Not much in sweet tooth choices in my place, so I considered going out for ice cream. I put on jeans and stepped outside to see what’s really happening, because it sounds pretty quiet. No rain presently, and winds aren’t howling like yesterday.
I stepped outside. And I felt a truth which has been showing in recent days. I like ice cream…but is it really a sweet tooth? I see and saw something different. I’ve seen it before regularly, but…it wasn’t strong enough. It didn’t stop me.
I noticed self-hate in that desire. I’ve seen it before. Like “you know why you’re really doing that”. But…it was laced with that feeling and knowing I’d be just acting out and hating myself, once again.
It stopped me. Even cried while writing this. So many bad decisions I’ve carried out hoping the quick feel-good would erase or overwrite the self-hatred. Excessive Ice cream, porn, lying to myself. Always wishing to hide from that inner reminder I was worthless. Like the inner “I” is discarded and unloved. I’ve lived by an entangled belief that I was just not worth anything.
It’s had me feel powerless to allow better choices in my life.
I just thought of a woman manager who I quietly look to for love signals, like I’d be wanted. Why do I look at the most unavailable woman to be available? I mention her since I felt that same inner warning, that reminder that I’m looking for something that isn’t there. It’s just been a fantasy. But I made the decision to look for it–which cut me when I did–highlighting that habitual leaning towards harming myself.
Owww.
That’s been my norm. Wishing I wasn’t feeling this, and even tried going elsewhere in my imagination…and felt that self-hatred in the “escape”. This is what’s been surfacing a lot in recent days. It’s deterred numerous escapes lately, something I’d not expected. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s very active, awake, and powerful.
I can live without constant escapes and hideouts?
Last line here: my “non-belief” of good things has kept me spinning in pain all my life. It’s touching an old memory now, revisiting those places.