Is this with ZP or the previous version?
September 30, 2022
2nd rest day
Day 15
I just emailed my bitcoin miner, and I realized LBFH’s healing work has been affecting me there. (not feel-good stuff)
My miner’s been communicating a lot more with the exchange we use, but in the last week, he shared 3 announcements he’d received, which I had not. I’ve felt left out and considered contacting the exchange directly, so I emailed him first this morning.
While doing so, I began owning the fact that I was being reminded of feeling rejected, so it’s not really about others. This is going on in me. This is my stuff.
I’ve thrown a lot of blame at him in times past when things seemed to be going south. I’ve strained our relationship a number of times.
And I didn’t this morning 
Nice!
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I don’t want to derail his journal, but it was both versions. See for me it’s all input into my mind. It doesn’t really matter the power level, recon reduction, etc. At the end of the day I have an internal system that takes that input and decides how to use it. Though I’ll say with ZP it is much much easier to integrate stuff, it’s not seen as a threat as much or super intrusive.
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October 2, 2022
Rest day 4
I’m seeing something pop up in my mind which I’ve known about, but I’ve not known why.
Whenever I’ve been around someone with a clear confidence and direction, I’ve simply wanted to soak up that energy. Sounds vampirish, putting it out there. But I’m asking myself “Why? What’s happening?” I’ll give a few real-world examples.
I work with all males, and one guy is an Army vet who’s very strongly focused on what works. He knows what works, sees why things aren’t working, and is usually a bit ill-tempered since the bosses often are yes-men to their authorities, handing down some ill-fitting directions which sometimes clog up the workload needing done.
But I’m usually pretty interactive when I work with him since I’m always wondering his thinking.
And yesterday, I worked with a man who was a retired cop of 20 years, working with us since he’s just over 50. I noticed my original (but lesser) thinking of me trying to play the “little brother” role again. I’m proud to admit I didn’t remain there. I know that role very well, but something (LBFH?) kept directing me to own my stuff throughout the day. Not external showings, just internal. And I felt prouder and stronger than normal. I really had a day without old hangups chaining me to my past.
I’m embarrassed to share this next thing. It’s pivotal for me. I was just in @7empest’s thread. I posted a few times, and realized…wow…this is big for me.
I realized, in my mind, I was putting her in that “leadership” position where she was stronger than me (old beliefs coming in). I did this with my former wife. I’d felt both afraid to assert myself and possibly lose my wife–which kept me in that role while married. And like yesterday with the ex-cop, something easily redirected my thinking.
It moved me away from feeling helpless and powerless in today’s discussion. It moved me toward looking for solutions that I already knew, even some which I’ve been afraid of. It took out that helpless, needy, fearful role, and into something new.
LBFH–thank you. @SaintSovereign, thank you. @Fire, thank you. This sub is changing my core. Thank you.
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Not sleeping well tonight. I’ve been in bed over an hour and am paying attention to body sensations. I realize LBFH is digging into one of my biggest life traumas. I’ve been scared and restless, and today’s focus, honestly, was me stacking either Stark or RM tomorrow.
It’s because I know I’ll be working with the ex-cop tomorrow again. Either of those subs were aimed at me being bright, smart, or creative–all a distraction from my fears. I’ve had fears of being taken advantage of, which makes me aware of the sub’s focus presently. I’m feeling kind of helpless over these imagined fears, and I remembered while under this survivalist thinking—Elixir.
I’ll stack Elixir with it tomorrow morning. When on DR, it always took out the major emotional explosives showing up. I remember it being the comforter when under powerful stress.
I also remember Jcast singing its praises while on DR since it grounded him. I want some peace. Not tonight. ZP wires me up, so I’ll wait until morning.
I also threw a shitstorm at my miner by email over an hour ago. He’s my age, though I view him as younger. I’m seeing myself as a child while writing about him. LBFH is definitely digging in those memories. I blasted him since I was afraid of being taken advantage of financially. The root and motivation for that happened when I was 12. Mine was physical and sexual at that time, but the wound is open now. Powerful mental guards have been up, and LBFH seemed to have walked right in (quietly). I’m grateful I have Elixir to comfort me.
Can love actually heal this? Could this actually heal me? I really hope so. I really do.
Signing out, anxiously.
I just replied to my miner, apologizing and explaining why I puked on him. Not excuses. Me feeling like shit isn’t an excuse and reason to be an unbridled jerk to others.
However, this old anger has kept me up. I was lying in bed, and I imagined RV coming in and dismissing me with “this stuff should be handled with a therapist”, which ignited a rage in me. I mention this since I’m rarely very very angry at people in real life. I usually actively avoid triggering people and environments. But this entirely imagined scenario highlighted all the pain and rage I felt for being dismissed.
It makes me wonder "Do I dismiss/ignore/avoid this pain in me? "
I know it’s a yes, mostly by the anger that burns answering it.
I’m considering doing Elixir solo tomorrow, to let this tone down a little. Any suggestions welcomed.
October 3, 2022
Elixir solo today
Finishing my second loop of Elixir now.
Something happened last night which I want to share. I only got around 3 hours sleep, but this overlooks that completely.
I dreamed. But what was new is I was very alive and intentional about being in the dreams. All my life I’ve rarely remembered my dreams, but I was intentionally aware of who I am in my dreams. I had emotions, thoughts, all of it, and I was very aware of it.
I’ve actively and fearfully suppressed my awareness of dreams, kind of like PTSD. Some part of me was afraid. I’m not sure why this popped up, but maybe the love flooding is actually working!
Truth: I also felt my old disbelief when I wrote that. I’ve disbelieved hope, love, and change were possible since I’ve carried pain so long. This, too, has been a shield used to protect me from pain.
I’m wondering if some old blocks are disintegrating. 
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October 4, 2022
1st rest day
I came here to write this morning, and I realized I’m still yearning for my brother’s love. Just before I wrote, I remembered what I wrote 2 nights ago, how I’ve avoided facing and feeling this in my life. To hide that, I’ve put on different faces so I’d not face rejection by others.
And yesterday at work, I noticed me being aware that I knew how to hide. Hiding was done so I’d feel safe–noone would know the real me. It’s how I’ve always lived. But yesterday and today are special. I don’t want to hide. I had a great time working with 2 guys, we laughed a lot (thank you LBFH), and it wasn’t tense or uncomfortable. Not at all.
I questioned myself rationally when I sensed fear of being me and being honest. And wow, I chose to share with one of the guys about why I’d only slept 3 hours. I didn’t share specifics. I said something had popped up and it shook me quite a bit. When I shared just that, he empathized, sharing he’s had the same things happen to him. I was relieved on the spot. We’re all the same. We’re all working on something.
I’m glad I have these subliminals to help me grow. It’s been a beautiful, revealing, sometimes terrifying experience. And I am growing on them.
edit: a scary part is a growing awareness of my dark side (shadow self), parts I’ve also hidden away to avoid rejection. I don’t feel “owned” by them. I’m just noticing them more and more, as if I’m being challenged to accept myself since I’ve had such thoughts and beliefs. I’m becoming less shocked. I had a few awarenesses pop up yesterday.
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October 5, 2022
2nd rest day
Why do I come here? To feel validated. To hear my insides, as I’m not using any other medium to express myself currently. I have mixed motives for writing.
I had a pretty clear realization yesterday and this morning too. I didn’t receive a clear identity when younger, so I relied on everyone else’s likes and dislikes to find a “me”. However, I’ve never found this “me” myself. LBFH is revealing that, and in some way, I believe it’s allowing a foundation to grow that I’ve never had.
The strange part? It involves me reaching outside of my comfort zone, attempting things which contradict my norm. My subconscious must see that as dangerous, which is why I’ll share “it’s scary as hell” at times.
But this is the legwork, the “taking action” part for me. Trying this, saying that, imagining and believing this, etc. 2 days ago, when we’d arrived back at the work yard, a loud awareness came to me. Out loud, I said “what the hell am I doing?” And I meant it. Some opportunities are presenting themselves, but much bigger things have been available too. I realized the small opportunities are “safe” and secure (ummm, not really), but the bigger ones have been offered repeatedly for years now. I asked myself the question since I was habitually avoiding a good thing in my life. Cowering since I know I don’t have to face risk there.
And that’s change which is happening in me. Good stuff.
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October 5, 2022 (cont.)
I’m having a shitty time, and maybe it’s recon. I’m just mad, and I never (rarely truthfully) tell others about it.
I’m feeding off some of what Fire posted about LOA and its popular extremes. What I took from that is–I’m living in some fantasyland. Fuck, I am. It used to be easy to hide out there.
However, even as I wrote that, I considered Fire’s big point. There has to be a balance. Life is not “all shit” OR “rainbows and butterflies”. I do have some untrue fantasies I both want and am ashamed of. But sitting in “just the facts” is as unwanted as anything I know. I have to create something for life to be beautiful.
I’m just not sure if what I create is worth sharing. Or wanted. Damn, my motive for creating, as well as why I’ve shut it down in some parts of my life, is I did it to gain other’s approval. I was doing it today.
Fuck, even writing here is like I’m fishing for approval. Aggggghhhh.
I checked my last post hours before getting off work. No likes, no responses, and I felt angry, disqualified, unwanted, unimportant…put any negative thing there. I imagined abandoning all of this bullshit called community.
GDammit, I’ve lived and survived off of everyone else’s approval ALL my life. I know it’s lifesucking too. What is there to focus on? And I need to clarify something. It may be a fantasy.
I’ve focused on good stuff for one reason: it was EASY. And when it wasn’t, I tucked it away until I could see what I wanted to see. That’s fantasy thinking, all of it, and I’m barely making it work anymore.
So, I’m scared. Looking for another fantasy called being a victim. That road leads to MORE non-solutions. I know solutions exist.
Gonna repeat this: I used it since it was easy. Many (most, maybe) modern solutions seem so fricken complicated, like it’s a whole other language of its own. It feels like these “solutions” are simple fantasies converted into some long-winded logical reasoning. Meaning, it smells like a mindfuck with some of it.
Again, I’m scared presently. Recon. I considered doing loops tomorrow, but I won’t. This recon turns out some shit (it actually has a lot of lessons in it). Out for now. Still flipping angry.
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Your post had me reflecting on my similar struggles. I guess what it really got me thinking about. Am I feeling this aversion to approval seeking behavior because of the behavior itself? Or is it a deeper shame or emotional wound echoing the idea I should feel bad about having those feelings?
Behind this undesirable behavior is a real human need. I’m starting to wonder if that’s where the pain comes from. Not giving ourselves permission to have moments of needing that validation as a human being. In contrast to thoughts of “I shouldn’t feel this way”
It’s tough man. I know I’m in a tug of war trying to provide my own needs with a cup that was never filled enough.
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Yes. I smell needy and weak when seeking other’s approval. But ONLY since I really feel like I stand out.
Yes. All my life I’ve dissociated from it, like it’s some plague. In other words, I’ve kicked my own tail countless times for being so “human”.
I desire the day I can accept that, but I envision myself being alone, which is why there’s a constant war with it. I’m shaming natural desires as if it’s wrong.
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I’ll point out a benefit of recon.
This morning, I had that sense to complete what needs finishing. Washing dishes, cleaning my bathroom, etc.
A few days ago I had a sense of internal defeat, and it saddens me since I start messing up normal routines like getting to work on time, having my mind on my job at work, etc. I’ve seen it come and go, and a shame will start to build since I’m allowing little failures in my life.
This morning I snoozed some (12 hour days, post-hurricane cleanup) but had no mind to be stuck in that defeatist state of mind. It means change is happening upstairs for me.
October 6, 2022
3rd rest day
I’m looking at switching out Elixir for Sanguine tomorrow. I’ve really downplayed its value, but doing longer rest days has subs clearly blooming now. Today, I noticed some inner change despite feeling a bit down, and I felt like Elixir was pulling me away from old thinking and behaviors.
After writing that, I question if I should switch so soon.
Or rather, I could alternate Sanguine and Elixir since they’re supplementing LBFH. I will do that.
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October 7, 2022
4th rest day
I decided to do another rest day since it’s still processing. I don’t like missing it working, and rest days allow that for me.
There’s also a guy I’m working with who’s been bothering me internally. He acts like he feels threatened since I’m helping with their route and I’m faster than him. He seems to forget I’m on their team.
And I’ll edit that since I’m seeing myself reacting to it. What invalid stances am I holding on to? My expectations are he should work with me. (Essentially, make me boss while I’m on your route. Umm…that’s it) I’ve been creating this problem in my head, but I felt me reacting less at the end of my day yesterday. I’ll allow that change via sub execution.
And me considering him instead of me expecting him to consider me. I can do that. I can’t change him. I want to (an old, old habit), but it wipes me out since I hold it in 99% of the time.
October 14, 2022
1st rest day
I ran LBFH and Elixir yesterday
I found out I’m using SC subs to show me what is really possible in life. I’ve become aware life, for me, has had a ton of blinders and restrictions on it. 10 minutes ago something came to my awareness.
I turned on Pandora to wake me up for work. The first station that came on was the Midnite String Quartet since they make popular cover songs. However, my mind immediately went to my college days, me playing and practicing my French horn. Those years I was in a slowly building stress since (I just realized this) I needed to be heard. I needed to speak and be known. However, my inner restrictions were in place, and I wasn’t really proud of myself. I felt alone and was alone. Stuck in what I knew. Living in survival mode.
And I’ve never fully owned that feeling before, hence I’ve never made any changes going forward.
I did change the station to songs with vocals. I relate to some singer’s tones and moods in music.
I’ve also been considering a custom and store title stack with Ascension, LBFH, and Elixir. A long-term stack since the mixture is what I need. I’m still assembling modules.
2nd rest day
Do you ever wake up and feel internal changes coming on? I am.
Yesterday a coworker blew up on me unnecessarily and since he’s a bit bigger than me and he was a lit fire, I didn’t engage him. I realized by his out-of-control temper that anything I said would just be fanning the flames.
But something is changed in me. I didn’t keep him under my skin. I detached from old ways of keeping pain alive. He tried calling an hour later, and I didn’t pick it up. And hate and hurt weren’t my real reasons for doing this. I cut myself off from him since he’s too volatile.
I had someone point out my habitual victim-thinking lately, I’'ve been thinking about it, and many past responses were attempts to have someone change their stance towards me (via pity, ugghh). But yesterday I never thought along those lines. This is very significant since this is not my norm at all. I’ve always played the same violin.
But not yesterday.
No guilt (to save the relationship), no unneeded ownership for unfounded responsibility. No. None of that.
I’m caring for myself this morning and last night too. I purposely didn’t go buy ice cream, another old habit. LBFH is doing a work in me.
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3rd rest day
I just made a support ticket. I’ve been considering a custom with LBFH and Ascension, but I read the whole CWON discussion thread (my first time reading it), which prompted me to ask support. I’m going to paste it below.
Ticket start:
I am on LBFH and have been over a month. I’m doing one loop and am doing 4 rest days currently, as its fruit has shown when allowing it to work. I’ve had subtle inclinations to experiment and push out into other relational parts of life, and I’m asking for some guidance, if possible.
When I started LBFH, I mixed it with Ascension, a sub I’ve spent some time on. I had no recon. I’ve considered making a custom with it. I’d be stacking this with Elixir.
I’m actually writing since I just read the CWON discussion thread (having never read it before), and I’m feeling a strange pull to it. I’m on rest day 3 currently, fyi. No obvious recon today. I’m just wondering if CWON would be a better, more congruent mix vs. Ascension for a guy who’s hidden most of his life from opportunities to engage with others. To be uniquely himself with others. To be me.
Note: I don’t own CWON. I’m just wondering.
I’m using LBFH to remake and rebuild my self-beliefs, and as of late, it’s been digging in. Random positive thoughts have become more and more frequent, leaving hope for today. I just have no idea how CWON would amplify such effects in my life.
Please feel free to inquire more if needed.
Ticket end
So, I’m wondering. If anyone has experience with CWON, I’m open to hearing about it.
A weird realization:
I’ve been in fantasy mode a lot today
I just watched a good movie. I’d actually watched it first last night. I woke up with good connections and memories happening thinking of it, so I re-ran it.
I’ve had such realizations before. The blur between reality and fantasy are just being more obvious to me. I even had some pangs of regret seeing that, knowing I’m trying to avoid “real life”.
Beating myself up does no good. Never has. But something is happening in my thinking, and as a fact of life, I wanted to own it. I’m enjoying seeing I have a choice to do it or not do it.
Anger.
That bullshit I faced Friday has been sitting in me all weekend. I don’t know how to deal with it. I even saw the guy who did it at work yesterday, and I turned my head away from him.
I’m pissed, and confused. Growing up, I viewed anger like a cancer breaking out, infecting everyone, stealing hope…and I learned to distance myself from it since it seemed to kill everything and everyone. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but ultimately destructive…
I was around 26 or so the first time I witnessed strong anger with a productive outcome. One guy was American, the other Haitian, and both were very strong mentally. They argued loudly, without a physical component, for at least 20 minutes. I’d normally expect men to get physical, but this didn’t. It really impressed me, but I’ve not seen such open anger with restraint since that time.
I mention this since I imagine me being angry, and out of fear of taking low blows verbally, I hold back. I held back again, and it’s eaten my day away. I’ve done nothing but wait…fantasize…imagine other “truths”. So I wouldn’t feel, show, or know my anger.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I opened the door today when a guy I know emailed me. I shared I was angry, and I’ve not heard back. Anger is eating me. And I fear handling it. Like I’ll be an out-of-control psychopath or I’ll flip and break down like a school girl.
Being loud? Nah No space. No mirrors (via people).
I’m fucking angry. Just fucking angry. At everything.
If I did some drawing, it’d be all black and very, very rough. I don’t know how to get what I want anymore!! (I’m squelching it, suppressing it continually)