What's "Love" got to do with it?

Journals - Major Programs
#62

October 17, 2022
4th rest day

Anger has come up in me, and the only thing I knew to do was sit in it. FU to everyone. Feels “kind of” powerful for a while. Albeit it really drains me. Living in anger is insane.

I had a good flashback last night, remembering my final years of college. I was late 20’s, in college, realizing I’d be moving back to my hometown and likely living with my mom, a full-time alcoholic. I was going to college in a pretty small town, but I found Al-Anon groups and began going. Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics, and we’re often the “sicker” ones–since we (I) feel entitled and owed some love and respect from people who just aren’t capable or willing to give that. It’s why I sometimes find myself holding grudges against unavailable people. I’ve seen and done it numerous times.

I came home, moved in with my mom, and only survived since Al-Anon teaches us our expectations kill us. Dropping it allowed me to breathe. Yeah, I wanted her love. But expecting that while looking at a person who was rightfully living in her own hell–is insane. Really flipping insane. Years later I found a wise sponsor who reminded me when I was angry about anything that my expectations were chewing my guts up again. And he was right. Every. Damn. Time.

Growing up I created and held to some majorly false beliefs such as “if I persist, persist, persist, I’ll gain your love! I’ll find a way!”

I am doing that here. Day after day. Moldy expectations, rising up again.

F***. Again.

Something has to change. In me.

#63

Are you using Sanguine?

What is your listening schedule for the next 5 days?

#64

I used Elixir today with LBFH. 1 loop each.

I’ve been doing 4 rest days, so I’ll be starting day 1 tomorrow. I won’t listen again until Sunday. From my recent short history with Sanguine, I may have had a different mindset if I’d used it.

To be honest, I think I dismiss Sanguine so easily since it shows me stuff I’m rather unused to. I dismiss it (results too) since I don’t understand it. I believe it’s the only SC sub I’ve dismissed (for its positive results) repeatedly. I think there’s a support article on this.

And that situation I was mad at I found myself stirring up today in my mind. By the time I got home, LBFH was working in me, imagining a solution.

#65

October 19, 2022
1st rest day

Something has been changing in me recently. My reason for writing up to this time was always to win approval and…love. This has always been my main motivation for writing anything. Whether it was a 2-line update or an essay. I always sought to find love. To find my value.

I’ve pulled back recently. Some anger at this pattern has surfaced since I am essentially begging and pleading for acceptance. Being completely dependent on others. I’ve grown so used to this that I’ve held to it fearing the absolute worst if I don’t continue doing this.

And I hate feeling locked into poor choices that tear down my will to move on. That’s a new revelation to me. As if I’m on a racetrack moving towards a finish line, and multiple distractions make themselves known. I’ve given in to them hundreds of times. I’ve faced some temptations to fail again.

My biggest temptation lately has been to cut people off when I’m scared or hurting. And I’ve always relied on others to love me. And lately, it’s been subtle, but an assurance has been growing in me that…I love myself. For me, this feels so strange. So foreign.

But it’s growing in me.

#66

I’m thinking “calming” might help you. Hence, Sanguine.

What are your thoughts about those 2 above statements?

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#67

“Calming” sounds wanted and desirable to me.

It also applies since the longer I’ve been on LBFH, the more of the old me I’ve pulled away from. I’ve pulled away from an identity that’s been a norm a long time.

Sanguine helps you believe in yourself too, so I desire to have some belief in myself once again. If there’s any stress I had today, it was remembering old passive mindsets.

So, a calming is very desirable. LBFH is still ousting old beliefs and habits, so Sanguine sounds very useful.

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#68

What have you been running for the past 30 days?

What are your thoughts of running Sanguine and LBFH for 30 days, and then notice what happens?

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#69

I’ve run LBFH primarily, starting 4 day rest periods about 3 weeks back. In the last 30 days I’ve stacked it with Elixir mostly, though I used Sanguine once about 2 weeks back.

Regarding a 30 day test, I’m unsure at this time. This morning, upon hearing an internal urgency, I listened to one loop of EOG St.1. I’m really close to making some big financial moves, and I’ve noticed for weeks old hangups and hesitations exist. I know the negative programming needs addressing, and I almost chose Mogul since I’ve remembered EOG (1st release) seemed very quiet.

But I’ve caught a number of people sharing how St.1 focuses on your internal beliefs, not your actions directly. So, I chose EOG. No recon surfaced today, and I felt some slight cerebral changes.

This is rest day 3, so I’ve still got another day before LBFH and Sanguine.

Lastly, I remember feeling a lacking on that long run of St.1 (2019?) I even journaled about that late in my EOG journal since I realized love was the major piece missing in my life. Having LBFH now was an additional incentive to run St.1 this morning. I sensed that relaxed and expanded thinking happening.

I’ve been considering custom combinations. Maybe St.1 and Sanguine mixed, stacked with the store LBFH.

What are your thoughts on this option RV?

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#70

October 23, 2022
Listening Day

I listened to the experimental version of LBFH this morning, and I purposely listened to Sanguine this afternoon. Full loops.

Report on LBFH Ex:
I’ve lived in a survival mentality so long that living in sanity and mental sobriety is seen initially as a danger and something to be avoided in my mind. i found myself viewing going out to do errands as a chore, where I discouraged myself initially. It normally takes so much emotional fooling of myself. I haven’t been out all day since I knew this could possibly happen.

But…something is different. I have sensed a hope in possibilities, both financial and relationship-wise. This took some long-standing tension in these areas down a noticeable bit.

Relationally, it’s coming into my writing. I’ve hid behind exaggeration mostly–since I’ve feared rejection of me. (maybe I’ve rejected me first since I imagined others doing it)

I’ve felt sadness when I’ve hid behind some shield. But throughout today, I’ve imagined being simple. Honest. Not exaggerated. Just being me. It’s close to normal bed-time for me, and I’m sharing now since I’ve not known how to actually do this. I’m not sure honesty has templates to follow. Maybe honesty has to come from within. We each find our way to be ourselves.

Let’s see where this goes.

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#71

October 24, 2022
1st rest day

I woke up with a clear feeling and remembrance of why I started doing subliminals back in 2016. I had been in 12-step meetings multiple days per week, and I was in and out of either counseling or therapy offices, depending on my income (or rather, my belief that I could handle the old pain rising in a healing environment). I had been doing this over a decade already.

My “why?”: I’ve always believed it was my fault. All of it. For everything I did and didn’t receive growing up. And also as an adult. It was breeding ground for a victim mentality.

I’ve only used 2 subliminals which actually touched that guilt directly, and SC didn’t make them. I still own both. I think I’ve passively avoided them since … damn… guilt has been my very foundation for why (and how) I exist. DR didn’t hit it directly. Regeneration walked in a few times, but tried yanking that foundation out of my hands. Serious recon, so I pulled off Regen.

I’ve not thought of this since I last used one of the 2 non-SC subs. It’s a feeling that seriously derails me, that belief that I’m bad and the pain is my fault. That rising belief is why I’ve sub-jumped too. I’d do anything to not feel responsible for all the bad feelings I lived in.

I’ve sub-jumped to experience some feeling of relief vs. the constant reminder that I failed. It reminds me of elementary school times, sitting here now.

It even scares the fuck out of me when I begin searching for solutions like therapy and the like. Which is why I’ve not looked for a counselor or therapist since I began subliminals. I guess I was always afraid of discovering “it was my fault”. So imagining feeling my pain full-strength plus feeling responsible for it was too much. Hell no.

I’m wondering why this came up. Was it LBFH Ex? Sanguine? Elixir? Or pieces of EOG St.1?

I’m thinking LBFH Ex is brushing off real reasons I’ve avoided success in life, dug up by EOG. Since this never came up before on EOG. But that very guilt is why I’ve shooed away success. Because I’ve always believed it was my Achilles heel, the big thing I was afraid people would discover and blame me for. It’s pushed success (in nearly ANYTHING) far away, many times.

Old childhood beliefs have run me for decades. I’m wondering “can love heal this?”

And also, what do I have to do?

In 2017 I was using another vendor’s sub and had started another 4th step (the cleanout time in 12 step rooms), and I was working near my old childhood neighborhood. I remember leaving my car in the parking lot after work and walking my old route to school, a good mile each way. I had a notepad and jotted down names of anybody I knew or remembered while growing up. I remember shedding some tears while walking, for I was an adult now, still hounded by childhood beliefs. And this was my reason I was in 12 step rooms: I still was living by those beliefs.

That walk was a good act of faith, for I wasn’t sure anything would change. Small things did change, even the belief that “I couldn’t do anything about it”. I live and work a town away now. But I have Thursday and Friday off for vacation days this week. Should I/shouldn’t I do another walk? It might help. I have a lot of old memories in those places.

@Fractal_Explorer
@Leandros
@James
@RVconsultant
@Hoppa
@Lion

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#72

As we grow up we all have various issues we faced as children which still need resolution. Whether they will all be resolved or not is something I don’t know. But we try. So that our lives are a little more better even though we can do with a whole lot more.

And while we do all that, we walk Walk our journeys all the way to the full stop. And while doing that also worry about whether we are on the right path.

There is no other way to know which is the right way for you other than to walk the road.

Try this, try that. We can’t go back but we can go forward. And maybe learn a bit from looking back with the rear-view mirror.

The subliminals over here all seem like powerful cars. Which to use? Which to drive where we want to go? And that too wanting to change our cars once in a while for a new experience.

Roads, vehicles, fuel, and many more things. We can tell what all those analogies bring. What we choose is up to our heart. But we gotta make sure is they are close to the mark.

Ah man! Am using your journal for my Stark-E processing lol.

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#73

Process away @Lion.

Thank you for sharing your own thoughts on my journey, because yes, we never know how outcomes will look with a decision, but we can have a general idea.

It’s taking chances which change us (and me). Planning and dreaming have a place, but living in our heads doesn’t change us. Taking some action, big or small, is what changes us.

Having said that, imagining taking that walk scares me some. But I never imagined what I took from it the first time.

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#74

I think looking into IFS therapy would really help you out man. Even if you don’t seek out a therapist, just familiarizing yourself with how the parts interact could be helpful. I’ll give you an example.

I’ve come to learn I have a dissociate part to me maybe more. When things get tough, scary, or don’t have a clear answer that part kicks in. It makes me sleepy, I distract myself, I lose my ability to focus. So things like internal questioning, understanding behavior, processing emotions, etc. will not happen if this part is fully dedicated to its role. IFS has helped me communicate with that part so I can go deeper. When I’m feeling stuck, that’s a part intentionally blocking me for some reason I have to figure out.

Trauma is hard to deal with. It’s not about opening yourself up to the emotional pain and sitting with it exclusively. That can go south fast if you create a feedback loop for yourself. In IFS the term blending is used. When you’re blended with a part you take on their beliefs, emotions, overall perspective. I thought for years what was processing emotional pain or being authentic to my emotions was on point, but it was me becoming highly blended with an emotionally wounded part. What I’m learning now is how to validate emotions, but be the one in my system that provides the stability and compassion they don’t have. It’s a bit like parenting an inner child but IFS goes much deeper than that.

I’m blabbing on about this to really drive the point home that subliminals work in conjunction with your personal system. They can’t override, force, or coerce you to do something your own personal system would deem dangerous. What’s “dangerous” is highly personalized individual to individual.

To put it as an analogy. Imagine the subliminal is a message. I think what happens sometimes is that message essentially gets sent to your system, by a complete stranger, with instructions to follow. Do they trust it? Hell no. Now imagine you have the message and read it to everyone and advise on how you go about it and who might have trouble. That first one is what happens when there’s a disconnect in the system and you’re not reaching certain parts.

That’s been my experience at least. Been banging my head away at subliminals for a good few years now and something was always missing. I finally realized it was the fact I’m not as connected to my internal system as most people, it’s very scattered. It’s theorized in healthy individuals multiplicity is a normal state of humans, they just don’t realize because everything is going along smoothly. When you experience trauma in life it’s like smashing a mirror into a bunch of pieces that want to operate separately or together at times. It can be a bit chaotic.

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from my lengthy post it’s that you have to work at a pace that is respectful to yourself. That isn’t always easy to do, but I guarantee if you push yourself too much, demand too much, and don’t give yourself the space to heal at your own pace you’ll end up in a stalemate. Effectively your efforts to grow will be perceived as a threat to survival.

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#75

Thanks man. I’m listening to your words since I’m experiencing some unfamiliar recon. I was going to do EOG St1 this morning, but it’s like my mind is still resistant to allowing all the change, and I don’t know why.

So I’m holding off on a loop this morning.

Got any links for IFS which are easy reads? Thank you.

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#76

I’ll have to grab some later, I don’t really have any on hand. I kind of went on a research frenzy to finding my therapist. But this video is good at introducing you to the whole concept without overwhelming you. I really like her approach. Let me know what you think.

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#77

My first thought is:

How is Sanguine going?

#78

Frankly, I’m unsure. Since the experimental LBFH has come out, it’s changed inner reactions and my normal thoughts. So I can’t identify what’s doing what specifically.

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#79

I skipped loops yesterday morning due to an awareness of recon happening. I considered doing EOG in the evening, but took RV’s response wrong. I questioned if I was sub-hopping again.

I realized yes when I felt drawn towards either Emperor or Stark experimentals.

I did a single loop of LBFH Ex since I’ve felt close to a breakthrough a couple of times yesterday during my workday. Even this morning, I woke up imagining myself crying loudly and unashamedly, letting out old lifelong holdups, old “no’s” to expressing myself.

LBFH is doing something. And unlike other sub experiences, I really want this change. This is a real possiblity since I saw it so clearly this morning.

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#80

November 3, 2022
Listening Day

I’ve been using Emperor Ex and LBFH Ex together for over a week now. Full loops, one rest day in between.

I’m in a period of change. I’m weary and wary of acting out old roles of being weak, and that’s why I’ve not written lately. I’m just tired of playing that role. Emperor kicked in, got me busy, and I’m still seeing different things vs. what I’ve usually done.

I’m not really sure what I believe about myself…and a thought just came to me.

I’ve always sought others to lead me or take more responsibility than me–my old “little brother” role. I’ve hid there. But it never, never, never allows me to feel competent and secure in my own skin. I’m a grown adult. Emperor’s been working in my mind, and I’m liking this change.

I played that old role so long. I’m remembering what someone said here (Malkuth?). He said subliminals don’t remove old habits. They replace the habits with new thinking and new strategies to succeed. And as we practice something new more and more, it becomes used and remembered more than previous habits and thinking.

Also, @Simon said trying to eliminate all bad habits and beliefs before facing good change and challenge is an impossibility. Recovery has always been a hideout for me, so this stuck with me too. Recovery is a good thing without using it to hide out from growth and challenge. I have issues (we all do). I’m not wishing to stay there and am using SC subs to grow either through them or past them.

I’m finding LBFH is having me actively forgive myself for what I’ve done to myself. The bulk of my “issues” are rooted in the belief that how I was treated when I was a child was my fault. I’ve used that against myself most of my life.

But that’s where I’ve been. Change is empowering.

Thank you Fire and Saint for creating these tools.

#81

November 5, 2022
Listening Day–EX and LBFHX, one full loop of each

I watched the first LOTR movie this afternoon. I’ve felt drawn back to old mentalities for brief periods, and I followed it. I haven’t known what I was looking for. So, I just followed it.

Right near the end, Samwise Gamgee almost drowns trying to catch up with Frodo, and something hit me then. I saw a commitment to a friend, but I felt detached.

And I felt it inside. As Frodo hugged Samwise, I tried to connect/put myself in his shoes. I felt the old standard: “I’m not loveable. Noone can love me”. Like I couldn’t and wouldn’t be loved.

I’m sharing this since…I’m not sure why. This is my journal, and that’s my truth for today. And LBFHX did reveal it.

Edit: I felt and began writing defensively near the end of that last paragraph. As I wrote, I was apologetic for being me, seeking (anyone’s) acceptance. That’s really not working well for me anymore, and that’s new.