What's "Love" got to do with it?

I’ve been on Love Bomb For Humanity for almost 3 weeks. I didn’t write down my start date since I was unsure if I’d continue. But I’ve had plenty of evidence it’s working in my life. Kind of weird, but what I crave from it I also have deep fears of. I’m talking about relationships, of any sort. Real friendships, romantic relationships, anything I’ve plainly avoided for eons. I’ve also yearned for it.

Just days back I admitted to a guy I’d just met at work that I’d depended on others for me to love myself. I got the sense that he was open to me being honest, so I (dumped it). If they loved me, I did too. If they didn’t, I’d beat myself up. I admitted that taking responsibility for this was new, and I felt behind. I was embarrassed after we parted, wondering “wtf did I just do?” But I’d opened myself up some. I did it for me since I needed to air it.

And I’ve felt like I have a tender open wound for days. Been sharing it when appropriate. Not much else. This is new to me.

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I just replied to a friend regarding his response to some ups and downs I’ve been facing on LBFH. I shared some honest lows lately, which would have seemed like they were all money-based.

However, when I took just a little time to question myself, I knew my lows were more from LBFH since it’s been opening my awareness to things I’ve avoided almost every day of my life.

His response, in short, was “don’t think about it”. This hit me. It does not and has not worked for me. Gonna paste my response below.

Beginning of Response:

That’s no solution.

Coming from myself who’s avoided, avoided, and avoided almost everything and everyone in life who’s challenged my comfort zone. Fear of pain, born from experience, will disable someone who’s doing it alone.

Avoiding is not a solution long-term. Feels good in the short-term, but its results ultimately begin showing up.

I’m learning something new. Avoiding life and all its pain is futile. My solution was “do it alone”. Avoiding pain alone will be fruitless. But facing it with support is where growth, happiness, and fulfillment are found.

And though I’m still reminded of old fears when I face what I’m afraid of, doing it together gives me more hope and courage more than anything else.

I’m 51. Been trying to avoid, mask, re-color, and re-format any and all childhood fears all of my life.

And I’ve felt like a failure almost every day. Something’s been wrong with my understanding of “how to deal with life”. Avoidance just creates more pain.

That’s not a solution.

End of Response

LBFH is promoting real growth, which I’m seeing evidence of. I’m also stirred since I just watched a movie called “The Mystery of Her” about a high-school girl who lost her long-term memory in a car crash. She had been surrounded by an achievement-oriented, perfectionistic family and culture. They were seeking (even demanding) the old her to come back out. She found a journal she had been writing in prior to the crash, and she discovered she was inwardly rebelling from all these societal expectations to perform for them. She began finding herself, and she had to stand up for herself.

I could relate to giving in and following everyone else’s expectations. And also the self-disappointment for giving in.

But what’s love got to do with it? I’m finding out, little by little

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What is life about really if all I was ever trained to do and be was nothing more than “afraid, but safe”? I’ve been playing that game. Here, at work, anywhere around people, and when I get new reactions (like when using alpha titles solo), it’s been quite alluring. I got a new reaction from people telling me maybe I wasn’t as stuck (not changing) as I thought.

I’m honestly in that spot of asking what do I really like and appreciate? Who am I? What is important to me? Also, have I told anyone I know?

I’m realizing, rather clearly, that relationships are most important to me. Truly. Even despite evidence of me pushing people away, both family and friends. I need that love in my life.

But a fear of pain has come out harshly and clearly pushed people away. Imagining the worst reactions–or imagining my own beliefs about myself–coming out from others. I know others do that too. I’ve become more aware of this lately. These are thoughts I have about myself, and I’m projecting it on others.

So, maybe LBFH is really the most suitable sub for me now. I have no idea where I’m going, but I’m going.

Gonna continue with my washout, as I’m at around 21 days and today was day 1 of washout, not rest day. 4 more to go. I expect some uncomfortable times, as long washouts have often brought out some pain.

Upon returning, I’d imagined stacking it with EOG St1, like @JCast spoke of in his recent question of mental health and finances. I did St1 in its pre-Q version. I’m only questioning it since I fear diluting the self-appreciation and other needed messages. Will wait until after washout.

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3rd day of washout

I woke up a little late on my last day of vacation, having stayed up much later than planned. I woke up and began looking for my regular tools of blame and self-rejection, my old norm of self-treatment when I fail. I had some all-or-nothing plans to get busy this morning

I couldn’t, and didn’t find my old bag of tricks.

I noticed that and am kind of humbled. LBFH is actually working. Things like this I’m used to handwaving away to keep this “norm” active.

And what I feel 15 minutes later? Slightly sad, like something very familiar to me was taken away. I’m not stressed. Very relaxed. I think the sad part of me is the old me wanting control and losing some.

So be it.

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That sadness isn’t heavy, but I immediately thought of Kahn’s St.1, aka Total Breakdown. Saint said on St.1 some would feel kind of lost, missing old norms and things they’d identified with for so long.

This isn’t TB, but it is doing something big. Thank you Saint and Fire. It’s subtle, yet powerful.

i think I should post this.

I’ve had a guy bitcoin mining for me for somewhere around 4 years now. And I’ve accumulated quite a bit. But (this is hard to write) I’ve not pulled it out of the exchange. I haven’t felt worthy, valid, or believable. I remember telling some people 3 years back of gains I’d made, and I had that part of me saying to myself “who are YOU?”. I beat down my enthusiasm regularly, treating myself like shit. I’d use subtler words if they fit. But I really disliked myself, for many reasons.

I just wrote a reply in @JCast’s recent thread. I shared the truth that although I’ve found numerous businesses I could join and do well in, I’ve not moved forward on any. I am going to stack EOG St1 with LBFH when I resume loops.

I’m sharing this since something is different in me this morning. I just feel better about who I am.

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Day 4 of washout

LBFH seems to be activating steadily today. I had a little victory…and I’m allowing myself to feel it. (I’d normally tamp this down a lot).

I’ve been receiving paper checks the last 2-3 months after being with my employer for over 4 years. Roughly 3 months back, a major system upgrade was done which held off any changes in payroll. At the same time, I’d changed bank accounts unaware of the overlap. So paper checks began coming.

And the app was written by a techie, and directions were not given. I tried many times, not succeeding. I called HR about a month ago, being told a tech would call me. I’d called on a weekend, and I don’t alway keep my phone on me at work. Didn’t see a call.

But 2 days ago I received a detailed email from HR telling me how to put in my info. It was easy, but without these instructions I had to guess and “interpret” coded language. I don’t like “guessing” when I’m sharing my bank info. Duh!

But I did it! No more weekly bank runs after work! I’ll get a paper check again tomorrow, but it’ll be my last!

This is trivial–yes. But I feel I did it for me! 2 days ago I only imagined failure trying again. But some things have awakened in my mind lately making me ask “is that really true??”

Synopsis:
I first listened to fear, and failure happened. Of course.
I then chose to listen to reason, knowing predictable outcomes from the other choice, and I succeeded!!

I’m doing some cheesy dance (in my head–of course!!)

Last day of washout

LBFH seems to be slowly changing (mis)understandings for me, in me, of me.

In short, allowing love into my life has been very unfamiliar and purposely avoided. I picture putting my hand near a fire, feeling a burn, then being stuck with nothing more than a fear of being burned again. Sounds like life to me. My life. I’ve not paid attention to it either. I just plodded along, being skittish when offers and expressions of love showed up.

I thought of this yesterday. I began my workday with 2 guys and we began talking about relationships during our travel through town. One guy slowly began making me feel skittish, but only since he asked direct questions. Yeah, he’d straight up ask me questions about my love life. I answered. And realized/remembered recent reactions I have around women.

A part of me has felt more courageous in general lately. However, I realized I think panic thoughts when putting me out there. Putting my heart out there. And I shared some of that with this coworker, just spitting it out.

I’m sitting here seeing and feeling a familiar fear running through my life, affecting work, my commitments to others, all my goals…basically all of it. I’m seeing it.

I’d even say it’s kind of discouraging. But.

But LBFH is giving me new understandings, even as I write. Like a good feeling will shoot up suddenly (just did) attached to a hope for change. Looking for and finding something that reassures me and builds me up.

That is new. And welcome. I’m still accepting it–noticing familiar self-imposed roadblocks while thinking of this. LBFH is a perfect sub for my “issues” right now. I’m tired of living in “issues”. One day at a time.

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September 16, 2022
Cycle 2
Day 1

LBFH has me down presently. I’m writing since Malkuth advised someone to write how a sub’s affecting them. So I am.

I woke up feeling kind of open, but sad and scared. This was the first morning in quite a while where the pain and fear tickled my attention towards calling out. I’ve not had that happen in a long time. I went to work.

And looking back on my day, I realize I kept ignoring what LBFH keeps working on. Work went well, but I had this underlying depression making noise in me all day. I’d joke with my driver somewhat regularly, but quite repetitively, about a similar issue.

What prompted me to consider writing happened when we got back to the work yard at the end of the day. I was walking toward the shop, reflecting on social highs I’ve had there around other workers. I realized that I’ve relied on them to make me feel worthy–and that’s drawn me to them constantly. AND…I was feeling afraid to engage with anyone by this time. I was down, and sought solitude.
I wondered about loving myself, and I instantly saw I was working without any healthy tools or guides. I felt quite impotent in loving myself. My mood wasn’t doing good, so I headed out, purposely avoiding people.

I considered going to shop for ice cream for a sugar rush. It’s a normal practice on Thursday or Friday nights. So I asked myself about it. I even prayed, nonverbally. Kind of a “God, help” mentality that came on. I was pointed home. “Huh?” Well, I have good food there. No sweets (ate it up this week). So I accepted it.

And considered what I’d write.

I imagined running Emperor tonight. I ran one loop of LBFH this morning, avoiding EOG since the emotional pain I was in was quite loud. I considered I’m probably having recon.

But this afternoon I became aware of things I’ve never owned.

I didn’t meet my dad until I was 17 years old. I realize I’ve had a view of becoming successful, which meant if I became successful I’d leave people like my dad did. I’ve equated financial and career success with skipping out. Goodbye.

Damn. Cried while writing that.

And I grew up thinking I was unloved. As in “I’m not loveable”. My internal rules say “you’ll hate me and leave if you know me”. Maybe that’s why everyone’s love for me scares me more than even people hating me. Cuz I live like I depend on others for self-value, but the truth is my mind and feelings say “your love makes NO SENSE to me”.

Being “good enough” is too damn exhausting. I’ve tried lots of times, in many different ways.

Edit: something may be working. I just wrote a paragraph about narcissism. I hated the labeling. So I deleted it.

Maybe it is working. Since stuff’s definitely being dug up…

@Michel
@Malkuth

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I decided to run Elixir. That’s a good choice.

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I was reading in Simon’s journal, and am desiring to do something. Ie: make a change, be active, stop hiding.

The main drawback to doing healing/loving subliminals–from my experience–is I get stuck in a fearful mindset and emotions. If I’m gonna be honest, I realize I’m fearful right now. I woke up imagining some fantastical movie like LOTR. I pulled up Amazon early looking into it, but knew, just knew, that a fantasy was me hiding out.

So, what I’m saying is I don’t like feeling powerless over fear-based impulses and beliefs. Me watching a movie would have been complying with that.

I’m not really “shopping” for subs. Scratch that. I am wondering which subliminal combo would work best for me. I’m wondering “how can I feel assertive and productive while still acknowledging my emotions?” I’ve had an all-or-nothing, black-or-white mentality with subs.

My mind keeps going back to Emperor. Self-doubt immediately followed it–which is exactly why I’ve not gone that route. I keep listening to an inner saboteur.

I’ll make a support ticket. I’m slightly aware there are things I’m not seeing.

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I made a support ticket.

While writing, I remembered yesterday how I felt after my loop. I had this sense of grief rise up, and I sensed the other side of it, sensing freedom by letting my walls down. It felt quite inviting. I think the grief implied I had to let go first, and I was afraid to.

So, that’s what’s happening to me right now. Facing that inner battle of losing old norms again.

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More rest days. I went for a walk this morning, and came back feeling needy for some inner security. Did Emperor and LBFH.

Then began reading the thread on using less loops to ease reconciliation. It was an “oh well” since I agreed with it. It’ll allow the sub to activate more.

I’m also going to share a recon experience I had yesterday. Armor said he likes recon since it teaches him things, and I had one of those experiences yesterday.

I’ve been feeling low and unloveable for a few days already. As in, I don’t want to feel it. Reminds me of shit never being resolved growing up. I imagined trashing this journal and saying “FU!” to this place. Old hate, pain, and resentment was surfacing. I only went out to get some work snacks and ice cream. I just wanted to hide. I watched some movies, I cried some, but at my core, I was locked up, holding onto emotional expression with a vengeance.

I didn’t want to win. Didn’t care. I wanted, felt, and remembered growing up experiences where someone came and saved me. I felt inferior about still desiring this. Hiding felt like the only way I’d get through this.

As I sat in this an hour of so, I felt something I’ve never felt before. Emotionally and personally, I suddenly didn’t need that saving from outside. I wasn’t defensive and afraid. I just didn’t need it.

My whole life has revolved around relying on that neediness (dead serious), but I didn’t feel it suddenly. It was so strange.

What happened? I’m not sure—but I just imagined me writing in that needy, manipulative mindset trying to egg on a rescue–and I don’t want to. Don’t want that. Damn mind-f***ing stuff.

It’s like recon says “have you had enough? I’ve got something better when you’re ready”

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Cycle 2
Day 3

I listened to Emperor and LBFH this morning. I love how they show up around people.

Upon going out, I noticed both subs affecting me. I felt some sexual tension around a woman while shopping. These auras must be powerful, for I was 4-5 feet away, she never looked at me, but her body language showed attraction since she changed where she was standing while I walked past, showing she was seeking my attention. Just keeping that in my memory.:wink:

Then, I was waiting to check out, and a 16-year-old kid was at the register, a new hire since he called management for help a few times. The woman in front of me discretely spoke to him, saying she understood his confusion since she was new at her job too. And after my stuff had been wrung up, I said to him, “you’re doing just fine” while giving him a smile, and he accepted it.

Nothing showed much after that, but while waiting for my laundry, a guy held the door for a woman trying to enter. I am on Emperor too, a dominant sub, but I empathized with the guy holding the door. I felt his caring in the midst of this. It touched me, and I was just observing. LBFH is no weak sub, feeling what I did today.

2 rest days now.

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Day 4
1st rest day

Woke up this morning focused on getting things done. I love that about Emperor. My whole outlook is changing, and I choose that.

Amazingly, LBFH is no silent partner in this. My heart’s very awake, feeling the want and need to love ME. From my experience with many SC subs, this is a first. Saint said that’s its whole focus, and it’s delivering. Wow. Some of that “getting stuff done” equals loving myself in everyday life. I mention this since I often do the opposite. Heading out early this morning to be around people.

Yep. It is definitely active.

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I had something happen today, and I’m sitting here in tears. Not poor me tears.

I worked with a guy who seemed to really believe in me today. All day we were talking. In the afternoon, while traveling to our next stop, he asked about my family. I felt a wanting to not hide (where I normally do), so I shared, holding back from painting them as “bad guys” in my life. They were only family, like any family. Just humans.

Well, he’d asked me why I’d not gotten my commercial driver’s license (CDL) minutes earlier, and something actually clicked in me. It came to my mind quickly, and it wasn’t strangled and pain-ridden. I even said aloud “wow”, which he caught and asked why I said it.

I decided to be open. I purposely hesitated, but shared how my mom was not a happy person. I told him I grew up feeling like I’d failed to make her happy, which he tried to explain away. I reminded him I didn’t think like that as a child, and he stopped. I shared how I had rejected getting my CDL since I didn’t want to face imagined failure around male coworkers since I’d seen them as brother figures (the ONLY ones I leaned on growing up), and I didn’t want to possibly fail and lose those relationships too.

Damn.

I remember LBFH users saying past subliminals were finally activating and making sense while running LBFH. Maybe it was DR, but something definitely happened in me today.

I began writing here in tears since I had decided to be open and honest. I was honest and open with myself too.

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Awesome journal. I’m back on LBFH after being scared away from it. Highly relate to some of the stuff you’ve posted here.

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Thank you. It’s worth it. I’ll go find your journal and check it out.

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Day 5
2nd rest day

I’m feeling and realizing something new this morning. I don’t know what it is, but it’s unfamiliar enough that I’ve had emotional flashbacks of stuff which is very familiar, though it always led to pain and loneliness. Like my mind is looking for its norm.

I’m looking at old feelings and mindsets asking myself “why did I go there?”