What's "Love" got to do with it?

Journals - Major Programs
#82

November 12, 2022
Rest Day

I listened to Limit Destroyer and Emperor X yesterday, Emp being my 3rd title.

Different things are happening, maybe by prayer, maybe by subs, maybe by all of it. I’m drawn toward a personal spiritual relationship again, which is something that I’ve avoided for quite a while now. Explaining it feels clinical (cold, calculated, detached even). I’m feeling drawn towards truth.

I’m just tired of pretending. Emperor and LD may be working in me; no complaints here. Pretending is a distraction from the truth, and it pisses off the Emperor in me.

Good realizations.

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#83

November 13, 2022

It’s a listening day, but it’s the early AM, and ZP hypes me, so I’ll wait until the morning. I came to write about an Emperor explosion I had a couple of hours ago.

To cut to the point, I blasted my bitcoin miner tonight since I am absolutely frustrated with him sabotaging success every time it’s time to withdraw. Just this week, he asked how I felt about us about to finally free it from the exchange, and my reply was “I’m kind of nervous”. In my mind, I quickly minimized and avoided obvious goofs he’s done at this point numerous times, though I eeked out a remembrance that he’d dropped the ball a couple of times.

And tonight, he admitted to another goof that lit me up, possibly postponing our withdrawal (AGAIN). I feel it’s intentional, and I blasted him. I know it was Emperor taking charge since I told him I couldn’t work with someone who malevolently f***s up continuously. At the end of my email, I said “goodbye (his name)”

It’s a shitload of money, but we’ve been in this cycle for 4 years now, and haven’t pulled a dime of it. I’d rather have less but have peace knowing someone’s not quietly barricading access to it constantly. I’ve been putting my own money in weekly, while constantly eyeing another crypto business I’ve known of for a while, and I have funds to join with half a paycheck using a payment plan. But profits are dependable and constant with it. It offers a number of trading bots.

Immediately after I blasted him, self-doubt popped up. Me wondering “do I do this TOO?” It did make me think. I realized there’s some spiritual component in Emperor, even if it just opens the doorway to looking through that lens vs. direct scripting. I used to do this same practice in 12-step meetings, where I put my judgment hammer down by asking “why is this really bothering me?” Likely since I’ve had similar fears and avoidance strategies. I just used him to throw my blame and anger onto.

That’s what Emperor taught me tonight. I can act like an a**hole. I can also learn from it.

It does take the judgment hammer off of myself when I get honest with what I’m doing.

#84

November 15, 2022
Listening Day–LD and LBFHX

i just finished listening to loops. Thinking about my present direction. I was just reading @WinglissStark’s post about his insecurity at 19 years old, and a number of men replied.

I’ve felt and lived in unconfindence most of my life. Life goals were always secondary, as keeping myself “safe” was always my daily aim. But @COWolfe’s reply near the end caught me. Mainly since he stuck with a DR/Emperor custom for a year.

What do I want? LBFH and Emperor combined are amping my perspective up quite a bit. I should have done Emp and LD this morning, but yesterday’s high from LBFH sat in me, and I wanted more. Waking up and knowing my needs and wants are important is quite different than what I’m used to. I could easily say putting myself first has not been a life norm for me.

So what do I want? I’m wishing to know and believe I am more important. I’ve almost never owned that without some level of guilt or self-doubting and loathing present.

I’m going to keep riding this train.

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#85

November 17, 2022

Listening day
EmperorX and Limit Destroyer, 1 loop each, this morning

I was different today. Maybe it’s Christmas, maybe it’s Love Bomb FH, maybe it’s Limit Destroyer, maybe it’s God too. It’s hitting all at one time. It’s all in me, and it’s coming out.

I worked tenaciously today. But…my heart grew soft after it all. I was making some deliveries today, and I was angry. Angry only because I’ve been scared. Amidst the financial insecurity I’ve been facing, I continued my work with my miner, me realizing I was projecting my worst beliefs onto him before. I’ve felt a draw to step away from angry attacks and even subtle, passive, hurtful jabs at people. Like my heart’s opening up to possibilities that I didn’t want to see before. Why? I might have to eat crud again. I might get hurt again. I’ve used anger mostly to protect myself. It’s been my shield.

But…even last night I was watching a movie, and I didn’t think I was looking for emotional relief. However, I began crying in some trivial moment, so much so that it caught my attention. Like layers are being peeled off my heart.

Today I hid behind being busy, but while driving, that willingness to drop my anger came up, and tears followed right after. I’ve not had crying spells while driving since DR St1. Tears came easily. Not just scared tears either. More like “closer to trusting again” tears.

I even shared some of this with a newer woman driver at the end of the day, she being a very spiritual person. It was all emotional talk, and I couldn’t NOT cry a couple of times.

Something’s happening in me. The message I heard numerous times today was “Relax and let it go”.

I’m so used to adamantly hanging on to old beliefs. I’ve had such determination to reside in those beliefs and feelings…but something’s changing. Not sure what. Sadness rises as I write longer, as losing control (or giving up control) touches that softness in me. I’m going to stop here.

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#86

November 19, 2022
2nd day of washout

I had an experience this morning upon waking up, and it’s very different to me. I’m noticing reluctance on my part to finish things or complete projects in my personal life. This morning I went down a mental sideroad seeking my motivations for doing this.

This is significant since I’ve never done this so easily before, AND…I wasn’t condemning myself while doing it. WOW. That last point is why I’m sharing this.

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#87

November 21, 2022
4th washout day

So much is on my mind. LBFH has been affecting me pretty frequently, and in the mornings, it’s loudest and clearest. Yesterday I felt myself battling something, and once I got up, I realized what it was. LBFH is wanting me to love myself, but old blockages had rounded up and were insisting I do things to prevent growth. I saw it. I wasn’t tied to old fear, but rather, I was saddened, even disappointed in what I’d been holding to.

And me being able to write about it is proof that change is happening as I sit here. In times past, when I was afraid of something, I never brought it to my awareness. Fear would build, so hell no I wasn’t going to look at it. Most of what I’ve ignored were threats to my present standards in life. My reality was threatened.

And something is pushing itself into my thoughts now. I’m sharing.

I watched a movie yesterday, an apocalyptic film, and one character scared me. I saw his face early on, he’d played in another sweet romantic film, and I wondered what he’d do in this film. What scared me was he was the psychotic genius people feared. A dangerous dictator in his own mind. All or nothing. Black or white. No compassion at all.

It was a warning to me. This guy saw what was coming way before everyone else, and everything he built was meant to preserve his way of life. Anyone who challenged his truth was rejected and ousted, even put to death. He was building a small-scale Nazi-like camp to keep control over his world.

In my mind, I realized I’ve done that myself relationally. I created strife with family members who opposed me over a decade ago. I was trying to preserve what I thought kept me safe. I was adamant at times. All or nothing. I wasn’t loud necessarily, but people knew my number.

Maybe LBFH is prying this away from me. Some fear still exists, but it’s not nearly as strong as I’ve experienced in the past. But I’ve thought this way. It doesn’t settle well. It’s very controlling, bred by fear. I even think LBFH is exposing me to the root of its desire so I have clear choices.

Cuz all I feel when looking at it is pain and fear of not being loved. LBFH is changing my heart, working its way in there. Challenging me to let go of old false beliefs. I accept this.

Because having control is a very lonesome and unloving place for me.

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#88

November 22, 2022
Washout day 5

This touched me. I’m still a little stunned.

I worked in the shop today with me overseeing 3 people. One has worked with me almost 5 years now, and he was just hired on.

Well, we had a disagreement in the afternoon. He’s used to ignoring commands given when it involves his hours, and I didn’t back down. He speaks no English, and disrespected me yelping words I knew not. It pissed me off, but I walked away since I’d already been written up almost a year back for being too aggressive with him.

It pissed me off, and–the old standard I’ve lived by is to stay angry at a person who outright disrespects you. Add to that I usually dismiss his immature tantrums since he’s 50+, and my stance flip flops. I’d rather not do powerplays with peers if I had my way.

And…I’m sensitive right now. This washout, almost a month overdue, has really, really been active for me. I’ve not had painful recon at all. What I have had is a lot of realizations and new reactions come out. And this post is to show that.

I clocked out and went outside, awaiting a driver to finish up so I could get home. I drive a scooter, and it rained all day. I’d gotten a ride in with a driver who lives near me.

Then the worker who’d disrespected me came out. I’d first smiled (my norm)…then remembered the offense. The remembered offense wasn’t as strong in my mind, but I tried to hang on to it. I was trying to find some norm on how to react. So I hung on to that feeling inside, which was painful, honestly.

Then, as he was driving by the area I was sitting, he stopped. He waved me over. He was offering me a ride since he saw me sitting there, which isn’t my norm. I realized he was offering kindness, and it softened the painful remembrance of his past wrongs. What was even stranger to me at that moment was he got out and sat on the passenger side. He wanted me to drive. He didn’t know where I lived, so I realized this was his plan. I drove home, clearly pointing out his avenues back to the main road.

I think LBFH is still working, because I’m still soft. Letting go of old offenses feels both painful AND relieving. The painful part is letting go when holding on has been my main practice. It’s like trying to relax when your muscles are all tense.

Yeah. I’m still soft.

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#89

Dec. 1, 2022

I had a sudden awareness this morning. I’ve sought out healing subliminals so long, and in every way. I even sent a support ticket in last night asking if I should return to DR. I’ve been in this repetitive loop as long as I’ve used subs.

However, I have no pressing memories of physical abuse. Abandonment, yes, by myself and others. I’m very aware of that. However, most of my present pain is self-inflicted. I allow and even create pain in my life.

The realization I had is that my pain and suffering occurred since I shut down my real reactions to people. (Something happened yesterday, so it’s been on my mind) Some people fight back. I freeze. I shut down. And even to the current day, I still allow people to say and do things which cross me while I stay quiet about it.

Even now, while writing this, I consider Limit Destroyer, even Emperor Black, but I’m still thinking or knowing I’ll give in to other’s desires for me since … I might have someone’s love if I say yes to them. I do this every day at work. To everyone in my life. Here too. Everywhere I go.

What holds me back are my own thoughts and voices steering me towards something that feels good. Me being a yes-man is a natural result.

Something’s been growing in me, and I’m (actually) saying yes to a person, then doing my own thing. Which is exactly why I’ve not been writing here lately. When my only goal has been to earn love from others, giving in to others is the clearest solution. However, it leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable. Who else might want to pull me this way or that way? (Most manipulation happens in real life, not here on the forum. Still, I allow it all)

For example, I bought Alchemist last week following someone’s suggestion. I’ve done one loop of St.1. However, even weeks before, my thoughts were returning to DR. I was “supposed” to do a loop of Alchemist this morning. I did DR St1 and GLM. 5 minute loops to see if it’d help.

I see that I am the one following anyone’s direction, and I’ve been scared to disagree. I wonder if focusing on removing limits, along with shorter loops, would help me. I created this reality. And only I can change it. This is a core motivation.

Possible stack:
Limit Destroyer
Power Can Corrupt (or GLM)
LBFH

@SaintSovereign
@Sub.Zero

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#90

I wonder if you should dedicate yorself to going through each of the stages of DR. You are still on Stage 1.

What would happen if you just did two or three cycles of each stage next year, no matter what?

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#91

I hear you @Hoppa.

I’m just holding off from agreeing yet. Trying to “do” different.

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#92

Please, just meditate on the possibility that some wounds are never meant to get healed but we can reforge them into our strengths.

The stack you’re considering looks pretty good to me, especially LBFH and LD.

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#93

@Sub.Zero,

Even replying now, I feel familiar fear trying to take charge in me. My normal.

I wish to isolate and clarify my point from this morning.

I realize that I’m in the way. I’ve set up and maintained hindrances to even pursuing healing. You said some things aren’t meant to be healed. What I’m grateful to know now is those deep traumas have affected me, yes, but I’m the one who’s built walls around them to prevent myself from ever being aware of them. I’ve actively and subconsciously (both) avoided any healing at all. I’ve limited myself. Fears grew as I built more walls. Fears like “nobody can KNOW!!!” What I’ve attempted to suppress has grown in me. My healthier desire is to be honest–with myself. Hiding my stuff from myself is creating and causing me pain and discouragement almost every day.

I think LBFH has been allowing me to get unstuck in this regard. I did loops of LD just weeks back, and the same day I saw myself holding on to some uncomfortable beliefs. This was a first, as I’ve owned LD even before Q was released, and that’s never happened. LD and LBFH work quite well for me.

In regards to some things never healing, I think I should give myself a fighting chance before throwing in the towel. The real root is me limiting myself and my life, and I’m wishing to make different choices now.

And thank you for your words. They stirred me.

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