Thank you. It’s worth it. I’ll go find your journal and check it out.
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Day 5
2nd rest day
I’m feeling and realizing something new this morning. I don’t know what it is, but it’s unfamiliar enough that I’ve had emotional flashbacks of stuff which is very familiar, though it always led to pain and loneliness. Like my mind is looking for its norm.
I’m looking at old feelings and mindsets asking myself “why did I go there?”
Regarding me working with the coworker yesterday, I just reread what I wrote. Something which touched me was when I spoke my truth to him, I remember seeing that look in his eyes. Me sharing my vulnerable stuff allowed him to feel his own, and I remember his voice cracking once.
I opened up, and it signaled to him that he could open up too. An hour later, he shared how he was insecure with his wife since they’ve been distant lately. We talked for a bit about solutions. It was a good day.
LBFH is activating still. I am home, still feeling it.
I had a small amount of recon midday, and since then, I began feeling exactly what the LBFH sales page advertised. I was feeling a little low, unsure if my mood would drop. While driving home, I felt like the scripting was telling me how wonderful I really am. It’s stuck in me, and I wondered if I were worthy of it for all of 5 minutes. It was all the well-practiced messages and beliefs I’ve lived by for years.
It seems like LBFH is equivalent in power to Emperor, just giving that as an example. LBFH is pushing through, pushing me out of my mental comfort zones. Yesterday I had this strange realization that my sadness and fear of being known is not normal. I felt like love was normal, and my understanding changed easily. Like, “oh, I was wrong”, and changed directions without fear and doubt. I was confident about it.
Due to that, I’m planning on giving it another rest day tomorrow. In the thread about doing less loops to alleviate recon, it said it will be active (10?) days. Gonna do this tomorrow.
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Day 6
3rd rest day
I woke up resisting that loving feeling, attempting to convince myself I’m not worthy. But I’m not fighting with the same beliefs. Which keeps me from sliding downhill.
That battle is still resuming, and I’m still in bed. The last week at work I’ve even said I was tired after doing some physical routes. I clearly noted I was mentally tired, and not physically. I’ll hopefully nap at lunch. Caffeine’s not been hyping me lately. It’s rewiring my brain.
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LBFH, maybe Emperor too, are attempting to have me…grow up. I just realized that.
It feels tough, even scary. I don’t know where this goes.
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I’m listening tomorrow morning, but rest day 3 has been having me feel sad, anxious, and frustrated. I had coffee when I got home, so that may be aggravating it.
But I’ve got to say this: I believe I’m insecure since playing helpless and afraid have been my lifestyle norms. I won’t defend it. It is true. I think recon came in since while out in the sun today, I felt productive and responsible with my time and choices. It felt really good.
Then, when I got home, my norm of “hiding from life” came up, and I was able for a while to both hide on my computer and imagine feeling good while being responsible in real life. Since I was watching a movie, I drifted towards the belief that hiding was my only choice.
I’ve lived in that “helpless at home” mindset for a number of years now.
But I’m sensing a real desire to be near people again. Geesh, it is my top emotional reason for going to work everyday.
I think Emperor and LBFH are challenging my beliefs about what makes me happy. I’m wishing for and even imagining relationships again. For example, I’ve been thinking about a female coworker who I’ve liked and felt comfortable around. She has a boyfriend, but she’s been sharing a few personal things with me lately. She told me one today, and I realized it was a true issue in her life. She said she struggles with ignoring her femininity working with all men. She said if she could, she’d live in her true femininity and not be so guarded.
I know I’ve handwaved women’s signals away before, similar to me dismissing sub manifestations, so I’m mentioning it. She’s been sweet to me the last few days. I find myself smiling when she’s near.
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9/23/22
1st rest day
Cycle 2
Been in this weird transition. Like I’m learning my place once again. Yesterday I had this slight emotional discomfort going, but people were reaching out to me. I felt slightly in a funk and was fully ok with being alone while working. Then a coworker who I rarely talk to made a funny comment to his manager, and when I turned, the manager had this huge smile on his face looking at me. It cheered me up.
I went shopping right after work, and the cashier broke into a big smile too when I’d barely spoke a word. The aura’s in full swing.
Still feeling this battle between old and new choices going on.
Looking over my day yesterday and thinking of the sub objectives, Saint said to be mindful of treating people poorly. I think I began being aware of how I’ve not loved some people, and it has bothered me.
Furthermore, I’ve spent a bit of time in my life ignoring other’s pain since I was unhappy myself. LBFH is working on my awareness of it, and I’ve been resisting it. I think that’s why I’ve been in a funk.
9/24/22
2nd rest day
Day 9
I wrote this last night. I feel different this morning. Can our minds really shift so easily by stating our desires? I’ve been protecting myself by ignoring, dismissing, and denying good things happening internally. But, this morning I’m open to changes coming on. I’m feeling and seeing them. And I’m looking for them.
This is rest day 2. I did 3 last time, and I’m going to go longer this time. Why?
That’s when major changes happen. When I was on DR, 2 rest days were my staple, and day 2 was often quite a busy day with it activating. I’d face most of my major internal battles that day.
So, I’ll be going longer to allow both LBFH and Emperor to build and grow me.
2nd rest day
I’m finding my heart opening. It’s opening to me. For me.
Still processing this. It’s so strange, but so inviting. My heart’s opening, and I’m not feeling stuff I’d expect. So, I don’t understand it. But I want it.
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9/25/22
Day 10
3rd rest day
I’m seeing Emperor and LBFH activate this morning, and it’s in unexpected ways. This morning I’m beginning to realize how much complaining I’ve been used to. I realize I even wanted to start writing here in a complaint. It’s been so normal for me.
In my head, I saw myself pushing people away. As if it was some strategy to keep people from knowing the real me.
I mention this feeling joy. I never saw it so clearly before. It’s like both subs’ positivity scripting is focusing on that, and it’s another chain to be broken.
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Sept. 27, 2022
Rest day 5
Day 12
I’ve been wrestling with myself lately. The biggest thing I became aware of came today. I’ve always put up some shield, some front, ANY front, all so I could believe I was important to other people. LBFH must be doing healing, as that’s definitely not lovey dovey stuff. It’s working on some ill-fitting beliefs I’ve held to, all fearfully.
I was just in Jcast’s money and mental health thread, and Palpatine gave some good advice.
So, I’m usually pretty fearful here, which is my struggle, so I’m going to write a list of fears and beliefs I have about being loved by myself and others.
- I might see all my failures suddenly–since accepting myself means accepting all good and bad.
- A major fear: I would become DEPENDENT on your love. A love leech. I’ve done this before and was very, very needy. It ultimately made me feel unloved in the end. I even feared love, associating it with people leaving me.
- I would have to be an equal to you…and for some reason, that’s a major fear too. I’m seeing how I think I’m small, young, and in need of protection around some people. I’m reliving an old reality from childhood still. I didn’t see this as much on DR, but I am now on LBFH.
- I have great fears of personal rejection. I see it as abandonment, a major love trauma of mine.
- A fear: if I love myself, I’ll abandon others. (f***. I only “use” people for love. Like a kid. Touches on “being an equal” too)
- Connection to being successful financially: I’ll use others there too. It’s pushed me away from being successful many times. The whole “using people” thing has caused so many problems in life. I’d take 2 steps forward, imagine the possibility of using people again, and take 3-4 steps backwards. And I connect love with this fear…
- I’ll use people, or flip it and allow others to use me, projecting my fear onto others.
I’m wondering if I’m going to post this. I know I am. Connected to this thinking was reading about our shadow self this morning in the LBFH discussion thread. I’m tiring of putting on fronts. Tiring of lying to myself and others “so you’ll like me”. I’ve felt like such a young child in this mindset.
Scared, but posting this.
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I’m wondering if LBFH addresses our shadow self. I’m asking this since there are a lot of connections I’m seeing.
For example, on DR I’d see all of my junk…but was secretly terrified others would abandon me if I disclosed stuff. I realize now a LOT of time was spent on DR imagining how to protect myself from possible rejection. Shit, that’s how I’ve lived most of my life. Constantly on guard, showing my “shiny self” but growing increasingly disappointed and angry at myself since my well-crafted defenses worked: nobody saw the real me. Even I lost sight of who I am. <<< That’s the most painful thing I’ve lived with as an adult. Not even really knowing what I like, what I love, who I love, or who loves me.
Now, I’m facing that with LBFH. It’s showing me the stuff I’ve hidden from myself, the normal parts most people see regularly. So, my fear’s not of being loved…dammit…it’s of being discovered. The real me. Me discovering me. Sounds messed up. I’m just glad LBFH is with me going through this.
I heard lines from a 60’s or 70’s song in my head on that last sentence: “Slow ride…take it easy”
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You’re not alone with that fear of being discovered. Shadow work is universal in my opinion. Even if people don’t know they’re doing shadow work, it’s just internal processing to me. We disown parts of ourselves and try to cover up. I’m actually learning about IFS recently which seems like an even more macro version of shadow work. Instead of this shadow self, you have the subconscious divided up into parts. Really interesting stuff.
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I looked up IFS…and while doing so, an intelligent part of me knew I’d not touch it since it threatened me being “discovered”.
I like how LBFH is unique since it pairs that discovery with an obvious relief called love. It is doing shadow work, imo, and it’s allowing love in too. A smart configuration.
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Sounds very much like a protector. They’ll do what’s best so more vulnerable parts aren’t exposed. At the detriment to self growth. It gets very complex.
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That “intelligent” part seemed very aware of a fear of success. I felt it, so I complied and tried to hide it in my last post to you. I felt and feared a purposeful sabotage, so that was my real reason for not following through with further research.
In other words, I felt that growing inner tension between opposing parts of myself. Me pulling back was an attempt to not face imagined fear and pain. But it’s all created within, not from outside myself.
Have you overcome this inner battle, or do you face battles continuously?
And most importantly here in SC, how have subliminals helped you? Which ones?
P.S. On a related note, I purposely did a single loop of LBFH this morning. I wondered if stacking Emperor last time jumbled it up. And more specifically, I wonder if me listening while a lot of activation took place was what diminished results this last week. It was quieter for me, but not silent. However, I only had of a fraction of the felt activation during my 5 day rest period.
i’m wondering if doing Emperor later today will help or not. I’m feeling LBFH working in my mind presently.
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I’m still working on it. The best thing I ever did is reframe battle to miscommunication. I fought against myself a lot in the past, but that fighting led to more detachment. Miscommunication sets the precedent that nobody here is wrong with parts, each had a purpose or reason. It’s all about understanding.
SC has been an interesting journey. I’ve bounced around a lot. Made a lot of customs realistically I wasn’t ready for. Even Ascension was a challenge. The most important sub I think I’ve run is Sanguine. But with LBFH I feel like that’s taking the number one spot.
ZP is where things really started changing for me. Digging deep, actual deep internal growth. Prior to this I’d say subs like Ascension built up a single part of myself that overrode the more vulnerable parts. It’s hard to explain but it’s like having growth in one part of yourself while others lag behind almost frozen in time. There’s not a lot of whole integration. You see results but something seems off.
I’m still fairly new to IFS with the help of my therapist. But it has made a ton of sense to me. I think it’s a brilliant modality for easing that inner war or battle that might feel like a lifelong thing. It has helped me really understand which subliminals I can actually integrate vs ones that will put me into a tug of war and inaction.
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@Fractal_Explorer, I’m not unlike you in misidentifying what’s happening. Not understanding the dynamics between conflicting urges, in my experience, makes me make poor decisions for myself time and time again.
And I came here to share a victory I just experienced. In short, I listened to my initial and pressing intuition, and I made the right choice.
I’m off work today and tomorrow, courtesy of a Category 4 hurricane 150 miles away, but high winds have shut everything down around here. No social pressures looming, meaning no fronts need wearing out in real life.
20 minutes ago I began prepping to run Emperor since I ran LBFH solo this morning.
However…as I began setting up, I felt and listened to that internal nudging. I almost loaded Emperor into VLC…and that “no” began getting stronger. Since I’d not been wearing a mask all day, I didn’t want to put one on–which is only there to fool me.
I listened, and I didn’t run it. LBFH’s already processing, and that “no” told me to back off and allow it to work. So I did.
I feel good about listening. I say this knowing very well how self-sabotage feels, and I made a good decision. It sounds small, but it’s huge to me.
P.S. It’s strange the things this manifested. I’d just watched a love movie about 2 long-time friends looking past their attraction to each other for decades. Seeing the relief when they reconsidered their feelings for each other made me check my own in this decision. It definitely played a part.
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Just to let you know, this part resonated with me wholeheartedly. I’d see growth in many areas of life, but the big, core changes seemed untouched. During my very first run of Ascension, those new social and mental changes came on me, and still, deep inside, I wondered about the 95% of things I’d dwelled on prior to this.
Having said that, there were major positive outcomes from running Ascension so long. One major benefit of overlooking all that I’d focused on prior to that was slowly seeing I could choose what I wanted to pay attention to. This made me feel more powerful in life, and that was an awesome awareness. That was the most prominent thing that stood out to me.
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