1xSanguine 15m. (First Cycle)
1xNew Khan (Stage 1) 15m. (Third Cycle)
My dreams have become much more symbolic in the past few weeks. Last November and December, I was running Genesis and a bit of DRLD, and to my surprise, I had almost no dream recall at that time. It was so strange me, considering that I normally recall 2-3 dreams per night. It could have been a sign of overloading my mind back then, but a few months ago, I really thought I’d need to run full loops everytime to not miss out on anything.
The dreams I am getting these days are all either centered on something I identified with in my teenage years, or my time in high school. I lost much of my confidence after I turned 18, because I simply stopped many of my former habits and hobbies because I moved a lot and changed my life too much. For example, I had a dream in which I was sitting down with my guitar teacher and my mom and we all cried reminiscing about the good old times when I joined all these competitions and won prizes here and there. Despite it forming a huge part of my identity back then, I radically broke away from it and basically stopped playing the guitar 20 years ago because my stage fright intensified with each concert I gave and at my last competition, I didn’t win because I forgot how to play a passage in a song and there was a long awkward pause. So I did not consider it a viable career option for myself, despite everyone around me, including my mom, thinking that I wouldn’t do anything else. In retrospect, it would have been far simpler to have simple continued on that trajectory, but that’s life.
Now running Khan, it seems that I’m continously shown aspects of myself that I thought I had left behind decades ago, but actually still haunt me to a certain extent because deep down I am still attached to them and they did form a large part of who I thought I was.
I feel like I consist of fragments that were not integrated with each other as I grew up and that my personal power will only grow once I learn to make peace with all these fragments and unify them into a coherent whole. I also feel the urge now to finally open the case that contains my guitar and simply start playing it again. This time, for fun.