First, just allow me to thank you for continuing to share!
It sounds like you’re really going through a rough patch. I used to have a friend that went through something similar. I remember feeling uncomfortable around him because his dark cloud was rubbing off on me. But I’m a good friend, so I stuck with him and he got out of it eventually. Now the roles are reversed as I’m in a bad place. And he pretty much broke off all contact.
I’ve been getting into Quantum Healing lately. One of the theories is that all physical symptoms are manifestations of an underlying emotional or spiritual issue, belief or blockage and are you request to heal, you will be confronted with those things and will be forced to deal with it. Much like how an energy healer find underlying issues that cause physical symptoms. Came to mind reading your journal.
Keep going through it, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My recommendation, as always, is to wait until you get there before switching things up.
As an analogy, the process of fasting comes to mind. When you are fasting, you can hit what is called a detoxification process, where the body realizes it is fasting and uses the now excess energy to release stored toxins in the body and deal with them. During such a phase, the organs, especially the kidneys are loaded and all kinds of physical symptoms pop up, from drowsiness to back pains to headaches to nausea. So most people will break their fast by eating something. The symptoms will go away rapidly as the body stops processing the toxins and stores them back in the fat cells for later processing. Essentially these people still didn’t get through the detox.
Maybe you are experiencing a mental detox, where your subconscious is releasing stuff you need to deal with to make room for better stuff. If you stop what you’re doing, the symptoms may go away, but the underlying issues will simply be put back into the closet for a later time.