Day 23 - 227 hours of listening (v3) 18th of September 2019
I am very angry. The last days I wake up way too late (it is 12 AM now), I feel sluggish, I get to do nothing and I feel like shit. I hate it.
Edit: In case you missed the point: I am furious.
Day 23 - 229 hours of listening (v3) 18th of September 2019 - Entry 2
I think I better stay at home today. Not because I lack confidence but I fear I might attack someone.
My bluetooth headphones disconnected and I havent figured out to reconnect them yet and I dont know why but this thought crept into my mind about this person on the phone I mentioned in the early days.
I thought… man… If Id call again and it would be this dufus answering the phone and behaving in the same way he did last time…it would be his last day on god’s beautiful earth. (But astronauts are good people, so dont worry)
I feel like I keep thinking about people I wish I kicked their ass (more brutally). This shows us that at least something seems to happen finally. I was just about to think about quitting because Id waste days like crazy and got nothing done because I feel like … a piece of slime actually. I cant get myself to do anything. Sometimes I cant even get myself to do nothing. Id start doing something and literally one second in Id lose interest and do something else. Which would be sleeping in most cases.
So… I really hope we see a breakthrough this week cuz it cant go on like this.
Day 23 - 229 hours of listening (v3) 18th of September 2019 - Entry 3
Great news!
I managed to go outside without hurting someone, starting a riot or causing WWIII.
Some pressure in form of anxiety came up and I think this is a good opportunity for another cryfest.
I was walking around with earplugs and headphones and I thought: Wow… its really loud outside.
I mean I was wearing earplugs and headphones and it was still too loud. Crazy.
Day 24 - 239 hours of listening (v3) 19th of September 2019
I remember three dreams.
Dream 1: I am talking to someone about epigenetics and they didnt know about it and I told them “cells communicate through light emission”
Dream 2: I am with (?) Matt Damon and we are fighting a villain. The villain injected some sort of poison into Matt, which gave him super powers but would kill him after a short amount of time.
Dream 3: I am at a train station. It is night. There are kids puking in the toilets (lol) and I am sitting there, writing on a laptop. I am writing this logbook. I am explaining the story of my life and what I am doing to imrpove my life and how I hope subliminals will help me turn it around. In this dream I was writing about Limitless in particular and what I wrote in the journal was about the effects.
I am writing about how I am concerned about Limitless and its effects on me. I look so pale, my skin is white and you can see the nerves on my head. I look so old.
I am going upstairs, I dont know why, as the atmosphere suddenly changes. Now I really am anxious about something. A man comes my way. He has a dog with him. They both look very malicious. They want to do harm to me. I leave them, try to go back to my laptop where I was writing the entry. Downstairs, passengers just arrived and are coming my way. I feel more threatened. I look back and the man with the dog is right behind me, coming my way.
The dog jumps at me and I beat it to death. Just after that the atmosphere changes, I dont feel threatened anymore but now I am very sorry for the puppy and want to bring it back to life. The man is sad and is kneeling beside his puppy.
Thoughts?
Day 24 - 239 hours of listening (v3) 19th of September 2019 - Entry 2
I have thought about it and I could post a 100-mile-long-interpretation I doubt anybody would read, but Ill make things short. Either its a good sign or a bad sign.
Either me and Matt Damon will die soon or … something good may happen.
Stay tuned.
Day 24 - 239 hours of listening (v3) 19th of September 2019 - Entry 3
I am very very very profoundly grateful for this opportunity. Something happened and in the past it would have triggered me into a cycle of deep fear. But I know that this is the golden opportunity to break this cycle once and for all. To let go of all this struggle and fear.
That’s the only thing I seek right now. Deep peace. I dont want this fear anymore. Never ever again.
I just want to let go.
I did the meditation and wow what can I say? Im crying right now, like literally crying. It was so intense.
And Im happy and at deep peace that I got this opportunity to let this old old fear go once and for all.
You know this kind of fear you encounter again and again and you think you’ll never get rid off?
Thats the kind of fear it was. And I know that I manifested the opportunity to let it go and I am grateful that my wish has been granted.
I know it is my manifestation because I manifested that Ill let go of this fear and then those dreams came and in the meditation I just did it literally said: “´Feel how the light is turning back into every cell in your body.” That was so beautiful. What a blessing. There were other things too but I cant remember them now. If you read this and you wonder whats wrong with me:
Fear was the key issue my whole life. My whole old personality was based on fear. I didnt know anything else but fear and so I didnt notice it isnt normal anymore. Fear was my normal state.
It is not like it just ended today, I was dealing with this for a long time, but today another major wound has been healed.
I dont know if I should share this or if someone reads a text this long at all but for me it was part of the journey.
Edit: So I guess they postponed yesterday’s cryfest.
Day 25 - 240 hours of listening (v3) 20th of September 2019
Had a dream being angry about with my neighbour because I felt she is wasting my time.
Day 27 - 265 hours of listening (v3) 22th of September 2019
Im back from lazy dufus to regular dufus.
Day 28 - 284 hours of listening (v3) 23th of September 2019
Got some work done. Noticed I made a mistake. Was expecting Emperor to do the work for me. Lost sight on my goals. Will recalibrate.
Over and out
PS: 88 Posts, is this some sort of auto-biography?!?
PSS: Also, I notice a rush of creativity to start doing all these things I once did again.
Day 29 - 291 hours of listening (v3) 24th of September 2019
Guess I am too hard on myself. Want to change it all overnight. Stresses my body alot, and I already see the symptoms. Ill figure out what to do about it.
PS: Next breakdown incoming.
PSS: Frustration grows with every minute.
@AMASH i highly recommend a book called “The Creation Frequency.” There is an audiobook version as well. The author is an expert (I am not). In it, he states that manifesting a few things is just fine as long as your intention statement is well thought out and has 8 key elements to it (he teaches the 8 elements in the book, at my stage in all of this i would do you a disservice trying to explain it to you as i am to new to it). He goes on to say that the intention statement can and will change as goals are reached. Definitely a worthy listen.
Day 29 - 291 hours of listening (v3) 24th of September 2019 - Entry 2
For the sake of recording I am going to write my thoughts down (more or less).
I feel very very frustrated with myself, life, creation in general. I feel like I am not gonna make it, everything is unfair, I stand no chance, why dont I have this or that etc etc.
I also had some very… lets say bad thoughts which I am not gonna go into detail.
So I have gone from lazy dufus to regular dufus to crybaby-dufus.
Next is snake oil salesman-dufus.
I noticed you’re going through hard emotions @anon3072973. Some important stuff is coming up for you.
And just to understand your perspective better, how would the next 10 years be for you, and the rest of your life, if you kept those thoughts and feelings? Anything specific that will be significant for you?
Everything, actually. Thats the whole point of why I am changed in the first place. And it is also the reason why I am so stressed out.
I know man. You take this seriously, put a lot of emotional energy into it, and clearly mean it when you want to change for good.
What could be your vision for the life you want to have? I find that when people have a detailed picture of what they want, they get it easier. What are some details of the life you wand and the man you want to be? So it’s clear and not confused 
I have a very clear picture of what I want to have and to be and thats part of why I am so frustrated and resentful on days like these, because I am not there yet.
And then these thoughts about the past come up and they try to explain why I am not where I want to be and dont have what I want to have. And it gets even bolder when these thoughts start to compare you to others.
Now those are days on which I am a ungrateful little crybaby because actually I know I made huge progress.
This vision is basically the reason why I started to change myself in the first place and it contains everything I was not and partly still not am (If thats gramatically correct)
Sorry, I didnt read that. Lets say part of the vision is me having no lack anymore in a social sense.
You seem to use the word “crybaby” more than once. Could this be not your voice, but a part that said that to you when you were a child, or a peer, and it stayed with you?
What kind of progress is that huge progress? What could you see in your life now that lets you know you’re progressed?
I believe it’s good to notice what you have. Then, suddenly, a feeling of gratitude may come up. Gratitude is more powerful than any bad feelings
I think I used it once before. It seems like there is separation happening between me and the thing that is so frustrated. I dont identify with it in such a way I did once.
There are people who call me crybaby, but I dont care because I know they dont know anything at all.
This progress is many many things. The tricky thing about it is that a lot of this progress is internally so the critique in your mind has an easy time calling you delusional because nothing of it manifested in a physical realm yet. Examples are that I healed my panic attacks, found a purpose in my suffering and quitted my job, as soon as I noticed it doesnt feel right.
Now those are good examples of what I mean. They are fine and important, not actually something you can touch or see. But it is a foundation. And yet it sometimes is so frustrating to not be where you wish to be.
It somehow feels like I got a shit load of work to do, just to be at square one so I can actually start building something.
