A subtle change I just noticed is today I participated more actively in the forum, and more grounding in real life. Looking back with Wanted the nonchalance manifested in a standoff way, a none of my business kind of attitude. Yet (I believe) with CFW, I am more willing to share my thoughts and stance without prompted, and if I want to do something I go with it without much overthinking.
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An annoying but unusual iOS bug I came across which persisted over the previous many updates was finally fully fixed. Some might think me overreacted but this made me really happy and filled me with gratitude. I attributed this to my stack, i.e. LBFH, CFW and LD.
Sleep quality has been slightly worse since this cycle began. Took a long while to fall asleep and had lots of dreams.
I listened to LD previously for more than two cycles and roughly the same for LBFH, in theory I would be familiar with the script, so I thought adding CFW wouldn’t be too consuming. Yet a three subs stack is still a three subs stack, full loop every other day (2 subs in one day, 1 in a separate day) seems to be too much for me now. I will change to 2 subs in one day, two rest days, 1 sub in one day, two rest days, and repeat, for the rest of this cycle.
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I began to see the effects of subs better through the lens of panic attack. Many reviews here talk about how laid back and nonchalant Wanted is, when I was using it I hardly felt it the way the reviews shared or the way the description promised.
Now that I dropped Wanted and picked up CFW, and added LD to LBFH. The panic attack was back; it hadn’t been this bad for awhile. It’s only now I saw clearly that Wanted did help me laid back. Of course it can also (partly) be because of the potent and fast acting healing of CFW, and (partly) because of the too much healing focus of my stack now.
It’s indeed good or even necessary that one journals. Even though often I didn’t feel like doing so, with what little I wrote down it seems that I didn’t have panic attack when I was using Chosen OG. Many of the subs I owned more or less couldn’t stop the attack or triggered it one way or another through recon.
On top of taking more rest days, I am thinking whether I should stop using CFW as advised in the description, or I should push it through for the rest of the cycle.
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The sleep quality continues worsening, keeps waking up in the middle of the night, and vividly feeling tension in body. The odd thing is it seems listening to the stack in daytime causes the worsening. I’d like to believe CFW is working/purifying me from the inside out.
I decided to push through my stack for at least this cycle. I now lower the listening time to 5 mins. In the past 3 or 5 mins did make subs experience smoother, yet the downside for me was the results came easily and went easily or they weren’t as impactful as 15 mins.
There are a few new modules in the Seeker pack that caught my eyes but one in particular I feel like I need it -
This is the only module that clearly targets paranoia, depression, anxiety, need I say more.
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My mind is splintering. Was close to make a kitchen sink custom with impulsively picked modules.
Hardly slept 4 hours, mind is sluggish.
Continues to be easily anxious, every little thing that needed to be taken care of appears as a giant. Semi good news came up though (I credited this to LBFH), I really ought to be more grateful.
I can’t say for sure whether it was Wanted putting a balm on the wound (healing vs masking/distracting), or CFW ripping off the band-aid, I felt more easily shaken the past days than I had been the past couple of months.
Don’t know if it is LBFH (and LD) digging deep or CFW pulling me up and pushing me forward, I have this enough is enough mentality.
I had this question before and I wonder about it these days - Should we pick a sub that targets our weakness, to average different aspects or a sub that enhances our strength to the extreme. A recon that I am able to handle with a benefit that I can live without vs a recon that is unwelcoming with benefit that is good for me; the old no pain no gain dilemma for me.
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Would you please enter a support ticket about this?
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I dropped CFW and sleep better these days. I think there is too huge a distance between what I feel like and what CFW offers for now. A similar reaction happened before when I first used Stark iirc. It’s the timing and the stage of life.
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After taking a week washout my stack is now LBFH and Stark. Even though technically I had around four cycles under the belt for each I began this stack with 5 mins each.
Stark was a sub that wasn’t compatible with me. It caused huge recon after just one listening when I first used it. The recon was so uncomfortable that at one point I refunded it. Yet some time later I decided to push through it, bought it again and even created customs with it. Yet what happened was a lot of energy was spent on persuading my mind to accept it. At one point I needed to list out the benefits of it, negotiated with myself in order to go through each listening. Still at the end the resistance was so strong I had to drop it.
Maybe it is because of the update of ZP2, maybe it is because there is a change of wordings in the script, or maybe it is because my mind wants to work with it, this time so far I have no recon.
When I said my mind wants to, I meant it in an inside out way, instead of the outside in way as it was previously. Maybe that’s what makes the difference. Before I chose Stark the way I choose a product or make a deal, now I chose it the way I choose a song or a color.
Once I decided to listen to it but before I actually listened to it. A short film came to me that I found fascinatingly fitting, especially at that moment. All I can say is I felt deeply that that was Stark for me in the best way.
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Stark is helping me to slowly pick up reading again. Information retention isn’t where I want it to be but I am being patient and taking it slow.
Little by little I gave up nearly all kinds of interests when life was no great; I stopped as I “reasoned” that they were useless activities, that they were a distraction and most importantly they wasted time and money. A very classic poor man mentality.
I am still not sure the (right) way forward, but this time I am doing my best to let go and with the help of Stark suspending my “reasoning” and believe that whatever activities/actions I partake, they somehow are useful and fit into the grand scheme of things.
Though negative inner talks still popped up from time to time and once in awhile they got really harsh and depressing. The old “what’s the point, it’s too late, look around, you’ll never in this life be the person you want to be, just end it already”, heard all that before but was still hurt and scared by them when that happened.
Good thing is I am learning to (re) arrange my thoughts to make them more positive. In fact writing this all out here, put them into letters, words and paragraphs lift the mood up. The typing and the philosophy of rearrangement make me realize in real time how perspective can be shifted just like that. By putting the negative paragraph above in the middle of the post and writing this uplifting post afterwards changed the tone of the whole thing, hence changed my perception.
This moment in real time I have this sense to laugh at the negative inner talk, to view them as a joke, and feel like having a sarcastic comeback. Must be the power of love and laughter from LBFH and the playboy attitude of Stark 
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It is synchronicity. That I came across this post right after I had a shifting due to a similar/same mechanism.
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Listened to LBFH and Stark before bedtime, just when I was falling asleep, a thought came to me.
To give the thought context, I was easily bothered by the mistakes and embarrassing things done, sometimes a silly mistake that happened more than a decade ago would keep me awake at night. Not to mention all the could’ve been, might’ve been, things said, things not said, decisions made, decisions not made etc.
And I always thought others would always remember the mistakes and recall those embarrassing moments, and they would recall them as vividly as I did.
Yet the thought revealed an opposite side of the above - if other people recall vividly bad moments of mine, they would be as easily awed by the good moments of mine.
This is a two fold implications. 1. Now I imagine that there is 50% chance/half of the time when I am being thought of, the good stuff comes up instead. 2. Now I see that I can amaze others just as easily.
In a way I feel like shouting up the inner opponent that bullied me for a long time by flipping the frame, telling him well according to your “logic” the mechanism works in my favor equally.
I have to credit this revelation to Stark really. Now what I have to do is hold onto it (and the previous perspective shifted) tightly and cherishingly.
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Once again witnessed members here having different opinions, and things escalated (luckily not as aggressive as the other times). I got them most of the time though, the argument/style they showed, how they could be misunderstood. In fact I think this must have happened to all of us at some point in our life both online and offline. Contradictory as it is we see the world through our blind spot.
Edit: spoke too soon as another one was happening as I made this post 
I think it’s true that it’s not what is said, it’s how it’s said; I am gonna be real, it’s a direct contradiction to my understanding. Evasion, deflection, half-truth, appeal to emotions, or more positively quick witted are something very unnatural to me.
Anyway now that the more serious portion of this post is done. Let me go back to subs.
Was having mixed emotions/thoughts before bed (was a rest day). Reconciliation was tailing me though, it’s got its eyes on LBFH; it wanted me to drop it (and pick up Commander or Chosen OG). Fortunately woke up feeling okay.
Stark showed me opportunities/ideas yet I completely lack the foundation or related knowledge lol Having said that I want to honor the result so I am gonna look deeper into them, i.e. take actions.
In some ways I feel like Stark and LBFH seem to manifest in a swapped way. To me LBFH is meant to work internally - self love, healing psychologically etc. while Stark is meant to be more externally focused - bathe in status, navigate the world freely etc. When in reality my experience is LBFH has a much stronger impact in my external world while Stark handles my inner world more effectively.
Let’s end/cycle back this post with a lighter note 
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This paragraph was gonna start simply with the sentence “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”. While that sentence did come to my mind and was related to my experiences the past days, I am rewriting this in a way that sends a clear signal to myself that it’s nothing but a little side note.
Let’s get the flesh part out of the way. The obstacles were physical, e.g. Information retention wasn’t as satisfactory, the old negative neural pathways came alive and strengthened their connections at the first opportunities, fuel consumption per being more extroverted and active could do better. Also got irritated easily if I listened to full loop even though my mind felt like it. There are the areas that need attention and be handled with delicacy.
The spirit part is Stark is working undeniably. I am happy to have it in my life and I have been following its instructions. I feel like am already being addicted to it. The last time I felt like I couldn’t wean a sub was when I used Emperor. Stark and Emperor, two completely different archetypes, yet I was at one point addicted to one and was in huge recon with another.
SC always emphasizes on taking actions; me before simply associated taking actions with opening pathways, and that’s it. To me now it’s something more rudimentary; if sub is anthropomorphized, I am showing it I do listen and care about what it is teaching me, I am showing my willingness and efforts to learn and learn hard, I am showing appreciation and respect toward it by taking actions. And isn’t it actions speak louder than words.
This moment this thought just came to me - there is light/psyche within us that for whatever reasons fragmented, by honoring the inside through action taking, by living a full life, we are one by one putting the pieces back together.
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Why do I get the feeling that Stark is improving your brain power and IQ. Your recent writings are even more interesting to read and insightful. And yeah I do remember that Stark does improve writing prowess too.
I think you are embodying the Stark archetype more and more everyday.
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Thank you brother! 
This confirmation and encouragement mean a lot to me and comes at the right moment as recon/doubt has been poking its head here and there. Yet as soon as I began typing this reply the mental image whac-a-mole came to me and the whole mood is lighter now lol
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Done washout. The stack for this cycle for the moment is made up with Stark and Commander.
I had been being pulled to drop LBFH for awhile now. Part of it was no doubt recon as on the surface it appeared as hitting plateau while I believe it was drilling deeper behind the scene. Another reason was I am looking for more drive/fire/motivation.
As paradoxical as it sounds, LBFH working well/exceeding my anticipation slowly becomes a limiting belief that taking root in my mind. When I first chose it it was because I wished to be a self-appreciated/sustained person with inner strength/love as foundation. While the inner effects of LBFH worked as I laughed more easily and looked at things with a sense of humor, turned out LBFH had a surprisingly much stronger effects on my eternal world to the point where, although a family issue isn’t solved, it stopped that issue escalating just like that. The astonishing thing is I wasn’t even directly involved in that matter, I didn’t lift a finger, yet an olive branch was offered to my family out of nowhere.
Of course I was nicely surprised by that, and that gave me faith in LBFH, partly why I was able to run it for a few cycles (normally subs were drop within one to two cycles; LBFH is the longest running sub for me). Yet I slowly noticed the reason I ran it shifted from me to others. Now I ran it for them; I felt like I was holding the protection aura/bubble 24/7 for them, and sometimes I felt like I could be the only thing stand between them and the escalation.
Another paradoxical way LBFH became a limiting belief was it gave me an excuse to be passive. I conflated what happened above to as if things would turn out fine despite not putting into efforts, almost like it’s fine doing nothing as a miracle would come. I feel like this prevents Stark from working properly.
What I am trying to say is I feel like lately my mind began to twist LBFH into something that it shouldn’t be. And I need to prevent the limiting belief from taking root in my mind, hence the break from it even though I am already missing it.
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Which brings me to Commander. Taking what I said above as context, it is the opposite of LBFH. It is aggressive, it participates in circumstances, it is self-mastery. When I was listening to it the sentences “take back control, go out there and face the world and deal with it” came to me. I was hit with the concept - Being active is being a man (masculine), being passive is being a woman (feminine). Sitting around acting helpless not knowing what to do is woman, while taking actions, facing difficulty head on and never giving up is man.
It worked after one listening. I went out to a store and needed to open an app for an item I was gonna get. The app wouldn’t open and it took a few mins to get it done while the saleslady in front of me and people behind me waiting. Before I’d get anxious and my mind would be overloaded with “shit people are waiting I am being a hassle, stupid phone, come on etc.”, basically I’d see this as a bad reflection on me, and those minutes would feel like eternity. But this time I felt grounded, mind was calm, in fact I was able to deduct “what poor wifi this store has”, I was able to separate the incident from me.
I am counting on Commander to complement Stark nicely. Stark inspires while Commander helps implement the inspirations.
Also pre-results striked again. When I was deciding whether to keep LBFH for another cycle or pick up Commander, a song came to me that I knew was pointing to Commander.
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Like so much the realization of we human are not able to hold two opposite focuses at the same time. Put it here to remind myself why taking action is useful and why it is essential and practical to direct my attention/tunneling my focus to only good stuff.
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This is an scary observation that I made a long time ago which always nagged in the back of my head when I was low or in recon.
Have you seen or heard of those people who weight 400kg+ who can’t do anything but sitting down, jailed people with face tattoo of a crying clown, or hoarders with a super filthy house full of shits, or homeless drug addicts with diseases? We see the extreme difficult life they are having, deep down we got that their life has already passed the no-return point.
Of course there are people out there are able to turn their life around even under the aforementioned circumstances. Yet what scared me the most was - every wrong turn makes it harder to do so, every little wrong take compounds; they weight us down they hold us back, and before one knows it, it is already passed the critical point. A vicious cycle in live.
And the effort to correction/turn around is exponentially consuming than committing the mistakes. The way I see it is when the mistake level is one, the effort to correction/turn around is one, when the mistake level is two, the effort becomes four, when the mistake level is four, the effort becomes 16, and etc. Every kg gained, every garbage added, every tattoo needled, every disease infected, it takes one further away from being able to correct them. Like a car crash happening in slow motion right in front of us.
I am writing this all down even though it sounds dark and disheartening as I have to find a way to turn the table before this drags me down by putting all this under the light. Let the world see and hear what the voice has been brainwashing me, blackmailing me. It might hold me hostage but it certainly can’t trick others here. For too long it uses shame, insecurity, fear etc. to keep me shut up but no more, from now on I am gonna write out what it says and it must be subjected to scrutiny and dissection.
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Brilliant!
It is the realist thing to know that there can come a time that we are so lost that even though we can find ourselves and go back, why become lost in the first place? Or to at least go back now when it will be easier compared to giving in to digging an even bigger ditch for ourselves.
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