To the best of Chase

[Chase]

Oh recon what am I gonna do with you and your thousand faces. Depression is your favorite poison against me but once in awhile you like to spice things up with OCD.

Began a 2 week washout. The recon of Commander hit me like a ton of bricks. My body is tight, neck and shoulders pain, and mild headaches. That alone wasn’t enough for me to stop listening, it was the OCD it triggered.

To begin with I was greatly bothered by Stark being named as experimental while Commander being V2. I need the subs in stack either all be experimental or all be V2. Renaming the files doesn’t work as I know what the original file name of them are.

Then there were the created time of the files. They were not exactly the same, by that I mean down to the seconds. So I copied the files to make them identical but then I was stuck worrying the quality of the copied files were worse than the originals due to glitch or digital errors (rare but not impossible).

Then I remembered the issue of categorization of subs and felt like physically crawl into the store to organize the labels myself. The fact that Commander is “Status” alone made me not want to listen to it. I needed it to also be under “Productivity”, and I needed all subs to be labeled with clear rationale with certainty.

I really can’t stand discrepancy.

I know the recon was caused by Commander as 1. Stark was doing great last cycle and the beginning of this cycle, not to mention I don’t have the urge dropping Stark. 2. Commander has high level of executive functioning and executive functions are supposed to relieve OCD, and yet what happened was the opposite of it.

Yea I know part of me found the above funny too. They are comical…in a Shakespearean way

[Geoff]

@Chase

Commander has high level of executive functioning and executive functions are supposed to relieve OCD, and yet what happened was the opposite of it.

I had the same thought about commander too. Are you going to continue using it? Things usually get worse before it gets better. I totally understood your plight reading your post.

Anyways, sooner or later I’ll try commander. Aside from the recon, do you feel good about commander.

[Chase]

This moment my answer is unlikely, I am thinking to go back to LBFH but will make the final decision after washout as by then I’ll gain mental clarity.

Commander did give me confidence and self assurance after the first listening; I listened to it 9 mins. Nothing unusual happened after the second listening and the day after third listening (5 mins each time). The recon I wrote just hit out of the blue.

One thing I realized was I can’t be sure how a sub works unless I experience it myself. Reviews are for general knowledge and reference for me. Personally when it comes to physical subs I was able to replicate similar benefits as other members. Yet when it comes to internal changes the results were varied.

What I am trying to say is if you feel the pull towards Commander go for it. Many reviews here praise it especially when it is used solo apparently.

[Chase]

Finished the 2 week washout. The first 11 days or so I craved listening to subs, kept looking for reason to cut the washout short. At around day 10 I had a short lasting blooming, that day (and the day after) I was in a good mood, super friendly and sociable.

Now that LBFH was dropped for more than 3 weeks, with hindsight I can say it did actually help me internally quite a lot. A few days into washout (around day 10 or so after being dropped), my heart was closed off. I realized that as when the sentence “hard as Pharaoh’s heart” came to me, I felt strongly that that was what I’d like to have, that a hardened heart was stable, and protected, and in its own way fearless. Also my sense of humor is largely gone, at least nowhere near when LBFH was with me.

2 week washout actually didn’t provide me as much the mental clarity as I thought it would, especially when it came to my current stack. Looking at my past entries, it took about 18 days to reach the state where I calmly didn’t want to listen to any subs, as in subs didn’t matter at all. “Disenchanted” was the word I found fitting.

Anyway my stack this cycle is made up of CFW and Stark. Full loop of both in one day, then 2 rest days, one full loop of CFW, 1 rest day, one full loop of Stark, 1 rest day, and repeat. I picked CFW as I simply want that inner strength, and that it’s focus on one’s self instead of others. However it is subjected to change as I am open to exchange CFW for LBFH if I got too introverted or depressed.

The recon of Stark came in the form of thinking to drop it. I see why it is better and easier to have a foundation before going for subs like Stark or HOM; not necessarily but a foundation does make the subs breathe easier. Stark gave me ideas and inspiration, and brought me information needed but since I lacked the related knowledge and connections, I spent a lot of time on figuring the 101 stuff. Also my efforts were not consistent, e.g. I spent the whole Saturday doing research and planning, then only worked perfunctorily the whole next week.

[Chase]

Since beginning this stack I dreamt a lot; while I don’t remember the details of them I know there were easily 2-3 plus dreams/themes each night. This cycle when I listened to CFW I had a dream fighting with family members, I was beyond frustrated in it. A very similar dream also happened when I listened to CFW the very first time.

Overall my mood and inner voices had been more negative than positive. Sometimes giving it all up felt comforting because then one’d never be disappointed. Not trying felt safe because then one’d always have the Schrödinger’s success.

On the other hand I actually enjoyed listening to subs this cycle. By that I mean literally. During the listening session/full 15 mins loop, my brain almost felt like being massaged physically, my eyes circulated rapidly and I fell asleep soon after the session.

Also I noticed that for some reason the music taste of those around me changed to classical music when I ran subs like LBFH or CFW.

Went out and bought a pair of pants. Just picked up a pair with my usual size and went to pay them. What happened was the cashier girl asked me if I’d tried them on, I said no, and she told me there’s a fitting room over there. So I was oh okay and went to try them. Turned out they were a size too big for me lol When I went back to pay with the new pair, it was a different cashier. Just when I finished paying, the girl jumped in and quickly took that pair of pants from the other cashier, warped them up for me and smiled to me. I assumed she didn’t normally act this way since the other cashier was side eyeing her A sure sign of Stark and CFW working

[Chase]

It’s very subtle but CFW is operating; the feeling of dysthymia/numbness is around but the inner voices are quieter or less negative.

Last year Stark didn’t do much especially when it came to libido (as mentioned previously there was resistance or misalignment between us). This time with Stark my libido went up and I pmoed a few times. I wasn’t sure until recently since I always thought it was caused by the lingering effect of Wanted. However I dropped Wanted in Feb and unlikely the effect lasts to this day.

Usually for various reasons I felt conflicted pmoing but this time I took that as an opportunity to “charge” the subs instead. Then in clarity I thought the more I charge the subs - mainly Stark - the more effective Stark gets, the higher libido I have, and the more I pmo to charge Stark. Wouldn’t it be akin to perpetual motion mechanism?

Jokes aside in general I still wish I rid of pmo completely, which leaded me to think of dropping CFW and pick up Limit Destroyer. From there I suddenly thought of listening to my one of the ZP1 customs which consists of Stark and LD as cores. For the former as much as I like LD, I feel that it doesn’t provide the particular kind of inner strength needed to supplements Stark, at least not currently. For the latter when I looked up the modules list I found a couple modules no longer served my current state.

Which explains why I no longer make customs these days because through experiences I learnt that, especially during recon, a resistance or dislike to the custom as a whole was easily bred through the disfavor of one or two modules, and rendered the custom being dropped.

Regardless Stark is growing on me more than ever. I just have this compelling liking towards it and know that no matter what it is gonna stay in my stack. I have no explanation but I feel like CFW actually involves in this liking somehow.

[Chase]

CFW works in a perplexing way. On one hand I have been feeling numb + meaningless + dispirited, on another my outward posture is confident, e.g. I am naturally standing tall and straight, head up, walk with a force, and my gaze is sure. I also began to take cold shower.

It’s likely that I am gonna drop CFW (70-80% likely); partly because of the recon/negative feelings and thoughts, but also because it seems Stark doesn’t like being pushed aside or not being on the spotlight (no pun intended). It is difficult to explain but during non Stark listening days I would have this craving to listen to it, and I began to have this impression that having one archetype, in this case Stark, is enough. Basically something is nudging me that Stark needs to be the lead.

Today is meant to be a listening day but I am thinking to take an early washout to prepare for the sub that replaces CFW. It is gonna be either LD or LBFH. If I am honest I think LD is the more fitting sub as all it does is supporting whatever sub it is paired with; it has no personality. LBFH however has its own agenda but I really miss the humor and the protection of it.

[Chase]

Decided not to take an early washout and instead finish the rest of the cycle (a few more days) with Stark and LD, in that order.

I fell asleep easier this cycle but it was only because my brain was processing CFW hard. Slowly I began to stay up late as I got familiar with the script.

Went to a bakery and ordered a cake for a family member. The flavor they preferred wasn’t available so I ordered another flavor. But literally within a minute after I ordered the cake with the flavor preferred came out so I asked the clerk to change the order. He did but gave me a huge attitude. Part of me tolerated that but another part of me felt disrespected and was angry.

The incident above got my mind went through a few subs and learnt a few things. First it was Stark; when I made the order Stark did nudge me to ask the clerk about the preferred flavor but for whatever reason (maybe a blocked throat chakra) I just decided not to, and the consequence of not following it was the incident. Then it was LBFH; after receiving the attitude I thought this wouldn’t have happened if LBFH was in my stack, it would prevent or lessen the attitude. From there finally, and more revealingly, CFW; what CFW revealed was actually the most important insight - I’d always be at others’ mercy if I care this much about external impressions. The reason I wanted to listen to LBFH was because I wanted others to like me to be kind to me, to have others to make my life easier without me trying. I was actually putting more attention and faith in the external world which was the opposite of self love. What CFW told me wasn’t exactly news but the way it said it was precise and hit the bullseye.

It is true that as CFW was written in a focused manner it worked quite effectively. However, even though there’s no denying it brought insights and changes in me, with hesitation, it really might need to go; Stark doesn’t like sharing (too much) resources with another sub, not to mention CFW, which overtook the driving seat.

[Chase]

Technically finished washout. Ran a full loop of LBFH and Stark but not sure if it’s the stack for this cycle.

Since I began CFW last cycle I have been feeling numbed and meaningless, and feel like not bothering with improvement or life in general. Just floating aimlessly in an ocean.

Throughout the whole washout period I strongly felt giving up subs once and for all. This kind of recon was new to me as I was used to exchanging one sub to another, making a new custom, and feeling confused or fomo about subs. Yet this time I felt like dropping all subs; lost all interests in them. Still feel like that tbh maybe my brain is still processing subs hard.

Apart from dropping all subs, the extension of not really feel like listening to subs is I am okay with listen to them once or no more than twice per week, which was unthinkable previously.

As said I actually didn’t feel like listening, the only reason I broke the washout was I didn’t wanna keep living like a shadow and wanted to experience the joyful feeling of LBFH. Yet so far it didn’t bring back the good feelings. Probably because I reverted back to the old notion that love is conditional, even for self love.

During the listening of LBFH I got some philosophical (and theological) realizations - if the higher loves everyone/everything without bias this would inevitably result in apathy in action/nature in the end, and I don’t want to be loved I want to be favored.

[Chase]

Feeling wise have been having a slight pull to Ascension, but rationally speaking it makes much more sense to get Ascended Mogul instead. Also wanna wait to see what the big reveals will be later this month according to Saint.

I noticed that for me it took around one cycle to build a stable and noticeable expression of subs but only took a couple listenings to throw off that stability. Once the rhythem or momentum was off it took a long while to get back to it, and even then it sometimes felt like it wasn’t as good as before.

Even that I dropped CFW for two weeks and picked up LBFH since then things just ain’t the same. Try as I may I just can’t seem to get the blessed and humorous expression of LBFH back into my life.

Maybe the first phase/honey moon period of subs was passed and now it reached the phase where subs hitting deep hence the tougher recon. On top of capitulation, sometimes I had this sense of impending doom.

Good thing instead of sub hopping I am consistent with Stark. No question that it is still my lead. However for some reasons I keep feeling it alone is incomplete and that I have to add one more sub to support it. It sounds finicky but with the whole selection in the main store none of it feels 100% fitting to pair with Stark. For example the way I see it LBFH lacks alphaness, CFW focuses on leadership which I don’t need yet (and overriding Stark), Ascension may be too blunt and aggressive (I already speak too honestly and straightforwardly irl).

Maybe it’s a way of handling subs recon/processing but my appetite increased for awhile; I got hungry easily even though I listen to no physical shifting subs.

[Lion]

That is a hell of a recon bro. Am here to encourage you. Stay the course

[Chase]

Thanks brother was away from the forum but now I m back

[Chase]

Gonna run Genesis solo for awhile. Tbh the timing of running it wasn’t ideal, there was slight lingering recon when it came out and ideally I should wait for another three days or so before the first loop. But Genesis was just too fitting and might just be it for me so I couldn’t resist listening to it right away.

Main Disc. Thread - Genesis ZP

Ran one full loop of Genesis solo. The most noticable thing is fomo in the sense that I wanna run more loops in a short period, wanna cram the script and by extension it’s manifestation into me and my life. Felt ever slightly more uplifting. Will report more here after the second loop later.

[Chase]

I promised to update the result of Genesis over the main thread but decided noting here instead because I ain’t able to clearly pinpoint the effects of Genesis and if the following was due to Genesis alone as I listened to CFW and Genesis.

It seems Genesis helps my inner voices be quieter and I am overall more relaxed and uplifted. Yet the same thing happened when I was in honey moon period with Stark.

A slightly clearer effect of Genesis is occasionally I have an urge and am being impatient to do something to get out of this rut yet am frustrated because I don’t know exactly what to do or how to do it. I keep looking to Genesis to let me know who I am, what I am for and the path for me while have a slight concern for short circuiting the manifestation.

For a moment or two I considered listening to CFW as masochist. It seemed to give me one hell of recon right from the beginning yet I couldn’t get it fully out of my mind lol now that my mind calmed down I began to wonder if, on top of the usual recon, CFW might be, for me for some reasons, conflicting with Stark which worsened the recon.

I was planning to listen to Genesis solo and wait and see what the upcoming new subs were. Yet just felt right to listen to CFW. Every time when I listened to CFW my brain felt like being massaged. This must mean something right. Having said that I think I will do Genesis solo for one day, rest then CFW and Genesis another day, rest and repeat.

When I was listening to Genesis after CFW, a few images/thoughts/sentences came to me stood out. First was the words (back to) the origin and hero transformation somehow stuck in my mind and had an impact on me. Then the ideal of being at the right place at the right time struck me. Finally the mental picture of a door opened and blue/bright light shined on a dark space, which reminded me divine intervention.

[Chase]

After the 2nd Genesis solo, recon of it came to me. I was touchy and dashed by the waves of emotions. Cared a lot of how people perceive of me, especially financially. My focus just zoomed to their facial expression, the way they looked at me.

Heard a story about an old lady, how she gave up love and got married with someone she didn’t want for the sake of her family. Got children, stuck with someone she didn’t want in the first place, before she knew it a majority of her life passed yet she never lived. I was sad beyond words when I heard that, felt sad for her, then felt angry, angry for her, angry at her family, but soon a tiny part of me was also angry at her for being a push over. Then I was reminded that it was a different generation, she was a girl who had a conservative background.

I wondered later if it was Genesis’ way to alarm me that that was what happened to a person lacks courage, knowing and determination, and to put things in perspective. It’s Genesis’ way to ask me what was my excuse for not having those qualities and living my best life? Why am I a man living in modern time still crawling on the floor acting helpless?

Don’t know if it was Genesis bringing up old subs or it was leading me to the right sub for me or what but when I was upset about the story heard, Emperor came to my aid (the last time I listened to it was almost a year ago). It told me I was prettifying the alternative reality for the old lady. I thought about what could have happened if she was with her lover instead and went straight to the happy ending for her, and felt sad that she lost that. Yet Emperor, the forever rational with cold hard head, reminded me she could well get dumped within a year instead and at that point she lost both her lover and her family. The bottom line is no one knows what would have happened, and no point wasting energy imagine the could have been since it could be worse too.

I am slightly overloaded by Genesis and CFW. The symptoms are here, headache, head feels full, thoughts running through my head etc. Yet I don’t wanna cut down or change the stack for the sake of consistency. I have already wasted so much of my life I have to know what I am good at and find out the path for my life asap.

Edit: before I listened the CFW and Genesis, I was looking for an item left and right and couldn’t find it, thought I dropped it when I was out. When I was listening to them, I communicated with the subs and asked them to guide me to live a life smoothest for me. As soon as I finished the listening, opened my eyes and moved my body, I found that the item was right next to my foot

[Chase]

Listened to Genesis solo for the past week. In some ways it gave me recon similar to Emperor, in fact out of all the subs I ran before Genesis’s vibe and recon for me seems be closer to Emperor side dished LBFH with Wanted as seasonings.

It is similar to Emperor in the ways that people act otherwise with me; both men and women did a double take when they saw me, not necessarily in awe, I never know what they saw but sometimes it felt like I was someone/something peculiar.

LBFH as my sense of humor slightly went up while the voice/words of recon is the same when I ran it.

Similar to Wanted in the ways that I have a disinterest attitude. For example I used to check this forum a few times a day and now I am just no longer be bothered to open it. Nothing really excites me. Don’t know if it is due to the LIbertine and Love Bomb aura but Genesis made me better looking, at least I think so when I looked at the mirror.

Genesis slowly and tiny bit by tiny bit reveals to me who I am and what I need to do. It is true to the description that it comes smoothly and naturally. The exact what or how is still hidden but a super tiny portion began to stick out.

I had the drive and energy to give out or share my stuff; not expecting anything in return, not caring if I was being taken advantage of or if this action carried no investment value, I did it because I felt like it, I did it because the stuff I gave or shared were good stuff and it felt right for others to have and use/enjoy them for free. Not everything/action is needed to be done or explained in a calculated fashion.

[Chase]

Dropped Genesis and picked up LBFH and Chosen OG for the rest of the cycle.

Personally the good stuff Genesis I noticed were 1. it helped nofap effectively to the point it was comparable to Limit Destroyer, 2. maybe it was the aura or maybe it did have some kinds of physical shifting I looked good, 3. the inner voices and tones were quieter.

Now to the less stellar stuff, those led me to drop Genesis, were 1. I was feeling and behaving like a coward during confrontation; I practically shrank and muted and was angry with myself after, 2. I got anxious more easily and wasn’t able to deal with challenges calmly and messed things up.

To me it seemed Genesis manifested difficult situations, yet let me make this very clear I am not saying there is harmful scripting in it, I actually thought it brought forth things that I buried deep, overlooked or turned a blind eye on, in other words it did help me understand more who I was, and my strength and weakness.

One of the wake up call was the way I dealt with an incident where I found out someone had been using my phone number as their own. Long story short I received a msg and then a call about an application I didn’t make and the caller insisted they need “Not my name’s” personal documents for verification or the application would be rejected. From there I checked my phone and released I did actually get two msg confirmations last year about deliveries I didn’t make, yet somehow I completely overlooked them. I completely lost my cool, got anxious, assumed the worst and went straight to the extreme. I spent the next few days emailing/calling the service provider, the bank etc. reporting my account might be scammed. Wiped my phone, changed passwords not just to the sites and services I am using but also to some ancient sites I stopped visiting years ago. In order to do so I needed to re-open the accounts and changed the passwords. It was only afterwards when I calmed down that I began to see I was blowing the whole thing way out of proportion considering no evidence of financial loss or my personal identity was misused, it seemed only the number itself was used, and even then it was used for filling only.

Needless to say the whole thing used up a lot of if not all my energy. Yet I vividly learnt one thing - I’d never agreed more strongly with the saying Cool Head Wins Battles. Lack of inner strength and insights ruin everything, the way I was acting out of fear and confusion was messy. I experienced it, felt it and now I understood it.

The above was why I dropped Genesis, similar to the module The Forge, it might continue to open my eyes through challenges, yet as I was, easily spooked, I would continue to deal with them with a knee jerk reaction. Also even though I kept consciously telling myself something good would come out of challenges and they were a blessing in disguise, the limited/unhealthy belief of Genesis would bring unhappy incidents had taken root in me.

[Chase]

There is only one thing I request from LBFH is self-love, when the only thing I request from Chosen is positivity. It may sound puzzling since these are the objective of the subs but what I mean is out of the whole description page and objectives and the script of the subs, the three words Self Love & Positivity are my only focus and all that matters.

When I first listened to LBFH I couldn’t for my life understand self-love in practice. To me its existence must be anchored to something. The previous months of listening to it made me feel better about myself but the concept of self love was never changed. This time when I listened to it I suddenly let go of that concept and the image “Self love born in a Vacuum” came to me. It is born unrelated to irrelevant of and uninfluenced by anything.

During the time I listened to Genesis, one night I actually dreamt of Chosen. Once I decided to drop Gensis I couldn’t help but thought about the dream. With LBFH as the foundation (substitute of CFW) I should be able to maximize the positive manifestations of Chosen on myself and others.

[Chase]

Since dropped Genesis and picked up LBFH, my physical body is more relaxed. I had muscle ache which noticeably started with CFW and worsened by Genesis to the point I couldn’t move my neck for a few days.

Instead of filling me with positivity Chosen tends to fill me with religious longing. Maybe I was self hypnotizing myself with the description page but Chosen always inspires me to hold myself to a higher purer holier standard. The flip side of it is my past mistakes or slips caught up with me; I felt ashamed and sorry for them and wished for being cleansed and purified (wanting to be cleansed and purified is a constant theme of Chosen and CFW to a lessen degree for me). Then it dawned on me that I was a faker because I was more sorry for being caught than making the mistakes themselves; I was more afraid of disappointing human beings than the Supreme.

Confessed and prayed yet still not feeling too great when I fell asleep. Had a dream where me and two royalties were friends in our pre teen. One of them had a green praying mantis with him and asked me to hold it steady while he ripped off its arms. He then held the upper body of it and asked me to pull the lower body down instead. Didn’t want to but I did it anyway. All this time the girl was cheering and clapping next to us. Then a guy came and threw a dagger towards us/them and I used my jacket to deflect it.

Recently I began to understand rationally that I am strong alone weak together. When I am alone I am me, when I am with others I am them.