Yesterday being my first day of DR st2 I felt really restless and binged in sugar… I ate enough candy for a month.
Today Im feeling much quieter.
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Good. My 5 day washout/rest flew by.
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Yesterday I did my 2nd loop of DR Red st2 and PS, today for the very first time in 3 weeks (maybe a bit more) Im feeling amazing.
I woke up and some kind of weight was lifted and I found myself thinking about beautiful things.
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The levels of anxiety I experience everyday are off the charts… I want to drink alcohol everyday, but binge on sweets most of the time. I got really drunk last friday.
I must be digging on something really deep and scary, I really hope I have the strength to go all the way and not quit.
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Stay on the path, brother. I believe in you!
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I had the most awful dream last night…
I was lying in my death bed with a terminal disease and my ex visited me. She started saying that I could get better, that I was going to make it, at that exact moment I started crying and said… I want it to be over… I want to die.
I woke up at that exact moment crying and with a deep sense of worthlessness, only to fell asleep again minutes later.
Curiously enough today Ive been feeling a bit better, more decided on what I want and how to get it.
No shit!! 
Its been a very hard and dark ride… Sometimes feeling very hopeless and helpless, but somehow I keep pushing through. Theres a feeling of “going in circles” repeating the same issues over and over again, a feeling that things never really get resolved. That makes it extra hard.
Its seems to me that I forget my wins to easily and punish myself to hard for what I cant do or havent done yet, to the point in which I freeze in life.
I remember being a kid or a teen, wondering how would it feel like to be someone else… to have someone elses life. I just never really liked to be me… Always looking for ways to escape reality… through music, alcohol, drugs and later in life sex too.
Well writing this gave me a lot of clarity… Ive been focusing too much on the details, on the specifics and not noticing the big picture.
Self Imposed Pain
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I feel rested, happy and in a great mood for the first time in a long time.
Approaching the end of the cycle and getting ready for DR st3.
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How are you?
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Hey man! Well it goes up and down, feeling kind of down right now.
Thanks for asking!
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Last night I had my “letting go in peace” dream and today I feel much lighter.
Anyways alcohol has been a strugle for me as a cope for pain and loneliness.
I started training Systema last week, Im getting fat and I spend too much time alone between 4 walls…
I need movement, exercise and socializing. Systema is something I wanted to learn for years and nobody teached it in my city… Last week in one of those funny coincidences I discovered a new school 200 mts away from my house, went for a free testing class and loved it.
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Today was my last day of the cycle with DR Red st2… This stage was filled with lots of anxiety and I mean lots of it, even today.
Fortunately I found Systema to start taking care of myself again, I haven’t slept as well as I did last night after class in like this whole year, I slept so deep I had trouble getting out of bed this morning.
Tomorrow I will start the washout and for the next cycle Im already set on DR Red st3, with maybe Spartan and/or Paragon. All the anxiety and the alcohol has my body aching a lot, its not that Ive been drinking too often, but when I do, I drink too much, but the anxiety has me always thinking about a drink.
There were very rough patches during this cycle, more than once I got to bed in the night wishing it to be the last one. All the ghosts and demons from the past came to the surface and it got a little overwhelming. Today I realized that I was looking for redemption and forgiveness, but from someone else`s instead of myself, that helped me move out of the darkness some more.
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Since yesterday Ive been feeling pretty good and relaxed, its not an euphoric feeling or anything like that, its a calm wellbeing, a sense of peace.
I can describe it as a lack of turmoil and the comfort of being me, with a persistent thought that says “the pain is gone”.
DR and specially st2 is awesome, a pretty hard ride, but if you endure it its awesome.
It feels like Im not longer looking at the sunshine from the window, as I stated a whole ago, but that Im now walking outside in nature, bathed by the sun.
New Beginnings.
Im not gonna say that Im super confident and motivated about the future, but Im also not longer burdened by pain and the desire for things to be over.
Its a feeling of quiet acceptance maybe, or maybe a relaxed attitude towards whats to come. Not longer about negatives or positives… About living life and having experiences.
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Day#1
Starting a new cycle
DR Red st3
Heartsong
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Went out to the streets on a sunny day and confirmed my suspicions… Im recovering my sense of beauty and joy.
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Its such a great feeling when things just flow and you are effortlessly riding the wave.
Systema was such a great discovery, Im enjoying a lot to be exercising, specially a discipline thats so different from what Im used to.
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This is what I have in mind… Im gonna wait till the end of the week before building to see if I need to adjust anything.
1. Heartsong
2. Sanguine
3. Daredevil
4. Synergy Inescapable Gaze
5. Synergy Primordial Aura
6. Soul Connection
7. Ethereal Presence
8. Emotions Unfettered
9. The Flow
10. Negative Energy Transmutation
11. Stress Displacement
12. Lion IV
13. The Wonder
14. Carpe Diem
15. Gratitude Embodiment
16. Joie de Vivre
17. Intuition Enhancer
18. Mystery
19. Sexual Manifestation
20. Gorgeous Manifestor
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Changed my mind about my custom, HS is out and LB is in. Im gonna use HS as long as Im in DRR st3.
My custom is focused solely on enhancing my appreciation, love and enjoyment of life, everything else will effortlessly stream from that.
1. Love Bomb
2. Sanguine
3. Daredevil
4. Synergy Inescapable Gaze
5. Synergy Primordial Aura
6. Soul Connection
7. Ethereal Presence
8. Emotions Unfettered
9. The Flow
10. Negative Energy Transmutation
11. Stress Displacement
12. Lion IV
13. The Wonder
14. Carpe Diem
15. Gratitude Embodiment
16. Joie de Vivre
17. Intuition Enhancer
18. Mystery
19. Sexual Manifestation
20. Gorgeous Manifestor
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It’s exactly as you said here:
I even expected The Wonder module to be there in it and there it was:
It’s a great custom 
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Excellent!! Today it all made sense.
You cant not have The Wonder…
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