I’ve forgotten how designing a new custom can be tricky😮💨. My last ones just came to me, but these coming ones just the cores came to me from the start. I have to research like the good old days. To balance everything.
Hmm, the step after this current one is clearer. I know what to do this current step, but facilitating it still eludes me.
I spill words on whatever canvas I decide to sit to, yet all I comprehend is more chaos, denial and this desire for everything.
At least I understand a bit more.
Time for another breakdown and I’m looking at 3-4 months of deep work. My previous stint of Kst1 and Kst2 were mostly hands off. Now, it’s going to be a more intentional redefinition.
Khan St1 + EB + upcoming Custom
Khan St2 + EB + upcoming Custom
Khan St1 + ASBR + upcoming Custom (not really sure about this)
I’m not expecting it to be easy, is probably going to be one of the most challenging periods of my life. I entered the begging stages already and this shit ain’t funny. Yet, no matter how I think about it, this period seems necessary. These months are to give it more focus and precision, so I can reconcile properly.
The major thing that I know will keep me sane is a brain dead system that that incorporates my new habits that keeps me grounded. Which have gone back into redevelopment.
It’s here again. This same internal feeling of being tempered. It was the norm on St1 had it once or twice in St2, but now on St3 too?
It’s like being taken out of the flame, then being hammered of impurities over and over again. It’s easy to go about my normal day, but I see a telltale sign — I’m taking up every means of distraction, anything to avoid facing myself.
And when I sit still, it becomes clear — there is a disturbance in the force. My body is actually shaking, very subtly. It’s a vibration that comes from within, and when I listen I sense it stirring sometimes.
Anyway, the bottom line is something is shifting and it’s very close to my existence. The difference is I can’t see how it’s shifting.
Keeping this here for further meditation
Wasn’t my most productive day, but definitely moving forward.
Meanwhile, I guess I shouldn’t say shit about my Stack decision till I’m very certain.
There is a lot to do.
About to dump some unorganized writing from offline journaling.
…
I can’t write as fast as I can conceive, and, my capacity for expression still diminishes that which craves expression.
I’m seeking a conclusion, a summary that I can only get when the pen is done writing. I seek this conclusion in order to use it as a foundation for the story still being written. Like knowing the entire story from beginning to end, trying to see dots that can mostly be connected in hindsight. However there’s a catch, if truly I create my reality, on some level don’t I already know the full story? Or is this still something I’m confused about? Just trying to hold this concept in my head springs me into paradoxes mirrored within other paradoxes that sends me in loops.
Another messed up part is having to suppress the craving to know more, because I feel like I already know too much. And that too much has contributed greatly to this rugpull I can’t make sense of.
Fragmented beliefs are being challenged by their diametric counterparts with no resolution in sight.
Then, even trying to explore my internal world consciously shows signs of a developing a headache in the area around my left temple. Like the exploration requires significantly more energy.
For my shadow, I find I’m trying to control/subdue it, without first coming to wholly embrace it.
There is no emotional, physical or mental strain, yet I’m tired. It’s more of a tiredness in my inner world/spirit and this experience is showing me there’s a form of difference between what I understood as the inner world and the mind. The mind is seeming to be a subcategory of the internal world. Which further, on some level, reinforces the spirit-mind-body system concept I had before.
Also energetic sensitivity is down, more like I don’t want to pay attention anymore, for now. I’m thinking it’s a method to cut sources of input to reduce stimulation, as I currently have enough streaming from my inner world, with no way to properly and rapidly process them.
Within all this chaos, I still find the drive for conquest trickling in really really slowly. This time it lasts for short moments and it’s deeper, accompanied with graphic images (especially when it comes to women). Its having moments where the energetic aspect shows, other times the EmpB voice kicks in telling me I won’t get any pleasure before doing what most be done, sometimes they come together, then they all disappear almost as quickly as they came. I heed the call sometimes and the rest I choose to ignore them, even when they remind me about the decision I’m currently making.
Then a growing dislike for the reality I live - lifestyle, habits, friends, hygiene, nutrition, relationships, sex, you name it. I feel mediocre by my standards and disliking it more everyday I wake up.
Then a search for silence, wearing AirPods on noise cancellation without anything playing just to block out background sounds, leaving my home to another location to find silence. I’ve been subconsciously trying to reduce stimuli.
I broke it. I’ve been breaking it all along.
“See reality as it is”
One of the foundational principles I set for myself. I chose it because of how all encompassing it is, giving room for exploration, adaptability, working with hard data, encountering the “truth” etc it is not constrained to either the abstract or concrete ways of being, flowing endlessly to any point required on the spectrum required to grow at any given moment, while remaining curious, actionable and practical.
As I understand more, the concept of “reality” is very broad, broader than anything I’ve ever comprehended, laced with paradoxes and chaos that eludes my capacity. Because of my inability to fully understand reality due to lacking capacity to reconcile my connection to the divine as aligned to who I desire to be and capacity to hold paradox.
Somehow , in trying to see more of reality, I violated the principle above.
On a deeper level I understood I was violating my principle, a sort of vow made to myself, which contributed to the chaos.
“All is the revelation of one”
As I’m beginning to see that this remains, no matter the approach or perspective, the reflections that spiral from it into my spirituality are very hard reconcile.
The major highlight being free will and destiny. Both taken to the extreme remains true, but how does this make any sense.
There are a couple possibilities
- My perspective is too narrow
- Need for more detachment
- Both possibilities are true
- Neither possibility is true
It’s like I have to find peace not in my understanding or practices, but a blind faith that— before anything, I am a revelation, and I simply am.
This is the hardest thing I’ve undertaken in my entire life.
Grounding.
What do you understand by that word?
Most times grounding is often seen from one perspective — the physical.
Go outside touch grass, walk barefoot, move your body etc. As a matter of fact, they are all true, but it goes deeper.
There are three aspects of being — the spiritual, the mental, then the physical. Formlessness distilled into form. And each aspect requires its form of grounding, an anchor if you presume.
Yet, each aspect is interconnected and reinforces each other. Just as how internal stillness can be experienced in physical motion, or physical stillness in quiet moments of prayer or when time seems more malleable when engaging a mental problem; each aspect of grounding can be found in practices focused more on other aspects.
Ultimately, harmony is required. Even if others are cultivated through one, don’t forget to nourish the rest with dedication.
It is best to practices all forms of grounding.
It seems some things resist comprehension and will block your way if you try to force through.
This isn’t about mysteries or secrets of the universe, those only require you to see.
This is much different, this is about essence and it will only reveal itself to you. This isn’t a veil it is just the way it is.
This feels like the right moment to use a curse word😅
It’s officially been 28 days of recon🍾
Here’s some things I noticed
- Energetic system undergoing serious restructuring, from the soles of my feet gradually going upwards, it’s just below my pelvis now. For the most part, all I feel is chaos.
- Questions. Usually I can be an introspection nut, but this is next level, everything, every point, every counterpoint becomes a question.
- I feel like I’m on Khan St1 again, but this time my spiritual life is included and taking the forefront.
- Desire for less stimulation, especially opinions, ideas, even states. I’m trying to make sense of what is within, before receiving more.
- Dissatisfaction and disconnection. Moments of heavy dissatisfaction as I’m beginning to see I live like an animal, below standards, way unaligned with my vision.
- I’m mourning the things I have to let go, and, still detest that I’m mourning.
- There is no plan. One moment I think I’ve grasped clarity, then before I decide a course of action, the illusion fades.
- Surprisingly, in person charisma is very ‘on’
- I want to end every human interaction quickly. This is huge mostly in my body language, but it’s like some people want me more and I just have to consciously cut interaction.
- Then, paradox without resolution.
- Finally, I’m glad I didn’t go ahead with the custom redesigns.
My current predicament.
“Be careful what you wish for because you will get it. Be as precise as possible and choose what you can handle.”
I noticed this with how I’ve been consciously guiding subs of recent. It did exactly what I told it to do, I just wasn’t clear on what I wanted.
During the design of FK:0, I remember telling it “you have no limits.”
I thought it was going to let me wield just my Machiavellian traits and convert them into the level of ambition and drive I desired without hurting others. Now, the jokes’ on me.
The shadow is vast, beyond my prior understanding.
Where does the hallucinations of the mind end and where does the revelation of the spirit begin?
The entire problem is clearer now.
With the man I am to become, more is required. Khan has helped me with a lot of work, yet I’m still scratching the surface. It just dawned on me that I’m still building the foundation and there is one crucial piece missing — my spiritual anchor, to be incorporated into the foundation.
This has been demanded of me time and time again, but I refused to oblige, because I felt I wasn’t ready. I thought it was too much unnerving work, especially at this point in my life. I think it also ties into the multiple spiritual manifestations that started to piss me off.
At some point I kept asking “why keep coming to me, isn’t it obvious in ignoring you? Can’t you see I’m ignoring you?” Only for the manifestations to intensify.
You will never be ready
Came to me two days ago and has been ringing in my mind constantly.
The meaning is simply to do it. No time to start like now.
So I’m taking the plunge and I’m going all in
I know I’m going to be hammered hard, I know I might complain, even though it’s futile, I know I’m going to pass through pain. But the work must be done.
Going into this I feel like crying, but tears don’t come anymore, unless in gratitude. Who would’ve thought not being able to cry would be a pain?
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New Stack is Khan St1, EB and RoS
Ran Khan St1 and EB at 2:10 each, before coming to update this journal.
It’s been over 90 minutes since then, and for now, it seems my conclusion was right on the money. The internal pressure mellowed out. The internal pressure is usually prominent on St1, but today it’s mellowing out on St1.
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2 mins of RoS + 30s of ME, and the Dreams are in.
Two separate dreams, with different contexts and settings, separated by waking up, but somehow a continuation of each other.
I immediately understood the meaning of an action I took as I was noting them in my dream journal. I don’t understand the rest, but I get the feeling it highlighted all the conflicts I’m having with my spiritual life.
On second thoughts, I was able to understand the part I did because I’m consciously aware of them.
Both dreams were long, vivid and dream recall was superb.
Why I added Minds Eye
ME gives me this hyper-connection into my subconscious and it highlights what the sub I stacked it with is doing.
It helps gather them into something I can see/experience/live i.e collate subconscious imprints, pings and impulses into a visualized format in real time.
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