It seems some things resist comprehension and will block your way if you try to force through.
This isn’t about mysteries or secrets of the universe, those only require you to see.
This is much different, this is about essence and it will only reveal itself to you. This isn’t a veil it is just the way it is.
This feels like the right moment to use a curse word😅
It’s officially been 28 days of recon🍾
Here’s some things I noticed
My current predicament.
“Be careful what you wish for because you will get it. Be as precise as possible and choose what you can handle.”
I noticed this with how I’ve been consciously guiding subs of recent. It did exactly what I told it to do, I just wasn’t clear on what I wanted.
During the design of FK:0, I remember telling it “you have no limits.”
I thought it was going to let me wield just my Machiavellian traits and convert them into the level of ambition and drive I desired without hurting others. Now, the jokes’ on me.
The shadow is vast, beyond my prior understanding.
Where does the hallucinations of the mind end and where does the revelation of the spirit begin?
The entire problem is clearer now.
With the man I am to become, more is required. Khan has helped me with a lot of work, yet I’m still scratching the surface. It just dawned on me that I’m still building the foundation and there is one crucial piece missing — my spiritual anchor, to be incorporated into the foundation.
This has been demanded of me time and time again, but I refused to oblige, because I felt I wasn’t ready. I thought it was too much unnerving work, especially at this point in my life. I think it also ties into the multiple spiritual manifestations that started to piss me off.
At some point I kept asking “why keep coming to me, isn’t it obvious in ignoring you? Can’t you see I’m ignoring you?” Only for the manifestations to intensify.
You will never be ready
Came to me two days ago and has been ringing in my mind constantly.
The meaning is simply to do it. No time to start like now.
So I’m taking the plunge and I’m going all in
I know I’m going to be hammered hard, I know I might complain, even though it’s futile, I know I’m going to pass through pain. But the work must be done.
Going into this I feel like crying, but tears don’t come anymore, unless in gratitude. Who would’ve thought not being able to cry would be a pain?
New Stack is Khan St1, EB and RoS
Ran Khan St1 and EB at 2:10 each, before coming to update this journal.
It’s been over 90 minutes since then, and for now, it seems my conclusion was right on the money. The internal pressure mellowed out. The internal pressure is usually prominent on St1, but today it’s mellowing out on St1.
2 mins of RoS + 30s of ME, and the Dreams are in.
Two separate dreams, with different contexts and settings, separated by waking up, but somehow a continuation of each other.
I immediately understood the meaning of an action I took as I was noting them in my dream journal. I don’t understand the rest, but I get the feeling it highlighted all the conflicts I’m having with my spiritual life.
On second thoughts, I was able to understand the part I did because I’m consciously aware of them.
Both dreams were long, vivid and dream recall was superb.
ME gives me this hyper-connection into my subconscious and it highlights what the sub I stacked it with is doing.
It helps gather them into something I can see/experience/live i.e collate subconscious imprints, pings and impulses into a visualized format in real time.
I know God exists, I know I too am a revelation, and, at the same time, a reflection of my reality and I know my reality is mine. But my shallow understanding couldn’t let me unify anything, regardless of conscious insight.
Nothing completely made sense, my mind spun out of control and all the information generated from those independent camps flooded me. The more I tried to look, the less I saw. I knew there was a connection, because if it exists it is connected in some level. Yet, the more I thought the more I drowned.
I beat myself into submission first, before deciding to see — some things can only reveal themselves to you, and, it will all make sense when they do. Your path is to seek and experience. Nothing more, nothing less.
When I’m still, I can tell my body is still trembling slightly.
However, all the questions I had are being consolidated gradually. They haven’t been answered, but I know something concrete I can latch unto is forming.
Confusion is fading for the most part and happiness has entered the equation.
Still inclined towards silence though.
Thank you.
This part is highly understated at the moment.
Cutting everything out is seeming to be a pain, harder than I thought it before.
It feels more like sacrifice and I don’t want to lose, not even to myself.
I was always in love with learning — connecting the dots within seeming chaos, understanding, no, feeling its concepts, plus the derived concepts of what I’d possible.
Then applying that process to anything I encountered.
Only now, am I falling in love with the concept of creating, which implies embodiment and doing. It’s extremely slow for now, but it’s happening regardless.
You’re building something beautiful, treat it with the respect it deserves.
Over time, I’ve found myself using proper/more specific wording in engaging (comprehending, describing, conversing about, thinking, etc) things, especially with regards to change and time.
Which surprisingly has given a lot more room for ambiguity🤔
And it didn’t just happen subconsciously, I can recall moments of consciously wanting to make whatever I was engaging clearer.
Hmm, now there’s a need too create personal moments and to treat them as ritual.
Everything that matters, be distilled into simple moments, which are upheld as rituals.
Moments of silence/presence, prayer, brainstorming/problem solving, introspection, eating, exercise etc.
Still goes back to the need for “systems” aspect of living, except that I’m simply living.
To think I absolutely loathed timetables and schedules previously just feels strange😂
Also the awareness of the energy in my gut area has returned. Except now it isn’t “triggered” by just music or emotions, almost everything (both internal and external) does so, it’s becoming more like a natural response.
Had something that came to me about why it’s this way, didn’t to note it down, and it’s slipped my mind, for now. It’s going to come back to me another time anyway.
The feeling of the energy is something I can’t quite nail with words I currently know, as it’s a feeling that can be interpreted in different ways - as power, anxiety, desire, fear, encountering limits, desire to conquer etc. I was able to discern these possible interpretations through the thoughts I had in the moments where I felt them.
The common unifier is that the energy is heavily emotionally laden and responds to emotion, and, it seems to do so regardless of how the emotion is spurred.
Interesting stuff.
When the energy is “excited” the first thing I get is similar to when the horns come in from the song above.
It’s like a vibration in my entire gut area, with subtle reverberations of that vibration traveling through my body.
Then I notice my heart rate quicken slightly, even though I’m still breathing normally. Followed by an “injection” into my blood stream, which generates this feeling