Listened:
These days adhering to the Positive Drive Principle is interesting. I am able to work from home much more easily while maintaining my focus. And in those moments where I do pause from work for a bit, I am still doing things that move me in a better direction. For example, during a work break today I shopped for more things I need for my upcoming big trip. That action, of course, is one that moves me towards happiness because I’m getting more things checked off on my trip preparation action items.
The evening’s experience brought a bit more reflection because it was an offsite with my coworkers. Aided by Daredevil, the talks from that good friend mentioned a few entries ago and the understanding from my successes hosting an event last weekend I thought to myself that in this evening’s interaction I should focus on nothing other than enjoyment. Enjoyment of the food, and of the conversations I can be having with them. There’s no need to look for how it all fits in the bigger picture. That was the intention.
Enjoying food nowadays, however, is a little difficult due to some weird digestive issues I have been having lately. With unusual bloating and slight heartburn, I am inhibited from consuming as much as I usually could per meal. Don’t get me wrong, I was still pretty happy with the meal especially given that it was comped. I also got to take home quite a few leftovers.
The flip side is—you guessed it—coworkers. Here I’ve talked at length previously about that. “What to do here, now that I am no longer in career progression mode?” I did do my best to just enjoy things as they happened but a lot of old thoughts and observations came up again. Thoughts like how a certain group of people have their own clique, and also how I was seated in a certain spot in the table that wasn’t exactly optimal.
Perhaps the most intriguing development in all of this was when someone next to me made some comments that segued into me opening up a bit more about how I was feeling about the whole thing. The developments here were rather unexpected:
- This individual admitted that they discussed me with their friends, because this individual had observed earlier that something had changed about me, that maybe I was going through something. When I heard this, I felt seen. And that alone was a good feeling.
- This dilemma was originally not going to be mentioned to anyone at work.
My biggest takeaway from the ensuing discussion was that I wasn’t the only one who felt a little out of place in the current team culture. Things have changed a bit in the team, and it’s okay to feel the way I do right now. And also, I’m not the only one who’s intentionally withholding parts of myself in this situation.
I felt better knowing that I’m not at this alone. That changes a lot.
What keeps me going and maintaining positivity in this specific moment is, in descending order of importance:
- All the motivation one of my good friends had given me through his talks last week (wow, just last week—these weeks are not going by quickly). I don’t feel like I should let him down, that I can let him down.
- I’m going to be mentally refreshed again soon via the big trip. And who knows, perhaps I will discover some interesting things about myself.
- These subs continue to run in the background, helping me learn from my experiences and improve.
- That I’m not going up against that high of expectations when it comes to this situation. Those expectations are generated by myself, to be clear; it’s unusual that I set low expectations when it comes to social stuff, but it’s a setup I have to remember. I have to remember that those are the expectations set, that I’m just here to enjoy and have fun when I’m not dealing with work issues.
I mean look, I see momentum building up for an exciting social life on the weekends so I don’t see the experiences above as an indictment that I’m going to be a social loser or something like that. Just a little discouraging that not everything is perfect—but then again, when is everything perfect?
