I will do a run of just LBH tomorrow.
As I write this, I do not feel good about myself.
Due to my current condition with the virus I have been stuck at home for the past several days. Throughout the weekend I was bored, although I did start to do some packing for the move. In these first few days of the week I did work remotely, though I informed the team of my sickness. I already planned to take the last two days of the week off, however now I think I will take tomorrow off as a sick day.
Not only is the virus giving me a hard time, but also I now feeling mentally burdened. To be clear, I am feeling unwell and am thinking unwell. 
This train of thought started gaining serious traction today due to another unfortunate video-watching session. The negative feelings that arose out of that really made me think, am I actually happy doing this?..sure I have to stay at home all the time right now due to the virus, but is this really the way to go?..I doubled down on stuff I learned about from EasyPeasy. I reviewed it and looked at a lot of posts from people who had struggled despite reading EasyPeasy and I got inspired to affirm a lot. I spent a relatively large amount of time today to get myself into the right frame of mind, that now I am committed towards being free and living my life without the useless behavior.
I wish eating was more effective at helping me feel better. I’ve lost most of my sense of taste, my appetite has reduced a lot and my stomach bloats way too easily when I eat anything. In some ways it has become a chore to consume so that my body can recover. Yet at the same time it has helped (albeit temporarily) to take my mind off of these crazy thoughts. However here I am again, after having a probiotic :-\
Why else do I not feel good? It is that my enthusiasm for the move has decreased a lot. Moving day is just a few days away and I had to get the virus now? With all of these different symptoms? It is frustrating. I do not feel ready for it due to all the things I have not boxed or packed yet. This is funny because I already know that I won’t be able to complete the move on move-in day; I wouldn’t want to move in while I am still dealing with these symptoms. And in the moments before I sat down to write here, I started to get a little fearful. Fearful that I’m not ready for this move, for this next phase of my life. Where I would not be supported by my family as much. Where I’m gonna need to tackle the challenges coming up on my own. I felt a little scared, like I was about to get pulled away from my oh-so-familiar surroundings into foreign territory.
Rebuttal:
It’s not that bad. There’s no specific date I have to leave the house by, just a date when the lease starts. I can move to the place once I am fully recovered. Nobody is giving me a hard deadline to leave this house and never come back. I’m going to be in driving distance of my parent’s place, and yes I can come back to visit at least. The “territory” I’m moving to? I’m going to be living with my best friend. There’s nothing that’s hostile about this situation that I should be worried about. Yea, there are some new challenges that will come up but it’s not as if they were ever going to be fully avoidable. I feel it right now that my sickness, lethargy and numbness is coloring my feelings and view of the whole situation.
But what do I do…
On top of all this, I had some thoughts about how my life is yet “incomplete” since there’s a few key things missing. However, I’m setting those aside right now. It’s unsurprising that not all is at 100% yet, that’s why I’m here at SC. It’s also not productive or helpful to think about those things right now, as they’re neither actionable nor time-bound. Focus on the current situation and what’s coming up over the next few days.
So I’m going to do just that. Recover well, both physically and mentally, and get ready to haul some items!
Plan for tomorrow:
- Taking a sick day off. I need to let myself rest physically, but also mentally. Working from home isn’t providing that. I also want to do some more packing, which will help me deal with one of the root causes of mental unwellness which is a sense of unreadiness for the move.
- Run LBFH + MFO.
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Mid-Day Reflection
Listened:
- LBFH
- MFO
As planned earlier, today is the first of multiple sick days off. I did this to lighten the load off my mind. Guess what—that worked. Today I am feeling much better about my situation. I wrote about it and how I was feeling, and that helped me process stuff better. In a lot of cases in the past, work helped distract me from the main issues and allowed me to process things in the background. Today that strategy was not in place. Chiefly:
- I became aware that the packing challenge is not really a challenge
- I remembered the lesson that anything can change in a moment.
- I am aware that my current mental irritation is a temporary one—some of the ways my inner voice was talking about it were a bit overblown.
So as expected, not much has occurred today. I’ve been packing at a leisurely pace, and if I’m not doing that, then I’m watching YouTube videos while doing my best to enjoy food.
Subliminal Results?
So stack 5b is characterized by the below:
- LBFH: A healing title characterized by a lot of self-love.
- MFO: Manifesting people.
- Khan ST1: A healing title breaking down all in the way of Khan.
It turns out to be perfect timing that I am running a healing stack. I bet that MFO’s healing part is the one being actively expressed (and healing in MFO is no small portion—that’s the healing of Heartsong, a few modules, and the general healing of the ZP Primer) while I’m in the midst of all this.
When I opened up this journal I was thinking that I should reduce my expectations of observing results during this time because of the fact that I am currently sick, the recovery may take up to two weeks (and so I may not even be going to the office in that time and interacting with others) and I will be focused on the move—which, because of that recovery, is likely to get dragged on for a bit. Stack 5b is projected to be a 15-day run. Even with running LBFH on each listening day, that’s not much time to observe results. That the current stack is directed so inwardly, however, means I am not so pessimistic about observing results. Isn’t the care I am giving to myself today partially from LBFH (which I ran today and the day before yesterday)? Not to mention, a sub can be getting processed for a long time after cessation. Still, I found it curious timing that stack 5b occurs not only after the first and only time I have gotten the virus during the entire pandemic (and we’re in the late stage now)!
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Evening Reflection
I’d say today’s been a pretty good day. The rest I’ve given myself has allowed me to mentally recoup and also get some more items packed for tomorrow.
Now think about how that compares to where you were before Dragon Reborn. You’ve come a long way!
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Great news everyone. I tested for the virus again earlier today and I tested negative. 
I expect some things to start picking up again after the weekend. I’m perfectly fine still taking things easy
@RVConsultant It’s exciting you mention Dragon Reborn. Man, that was some journey back then. I just got a notification today that one of my posts about the DR got 10 likes. And of course, I was called in recently to talk about my DR experiences. In retrospect, it’s incredible how I dedicated so much of my subliminal listening time to just that sub alone.
DR alone was from December 2020 to July 2021. In other words, if we were to look at sub usage this year I am just now getting to the month where I would have stopped using DR. But instead, this year I have run so many different subs so far:
- Ascension Chamber
- Chosen
- ME
- Emperor
- Ascension
- Paragon
- EF ST2
- Primal
- Khan ST1
- Rebirth
- Man Finds Others (Custom)
- Love Bomb For Humanity
Seeing this just looks even crazier in retrospect that I had run just one multistage during the same months last year. I’m also grateful that I was afforded the opportunity to do such. And of course, it’s valuable to me and the wider community whenever one wants to revisit my journey and see the changes I went through then.
Now, what would it look like if I were to revisit DR ST4 via ZP? Honestly, I don’t know what would happen. I also don’t plan on such a thing anytime soon. Only a life event of great calamity could motivate me to drop everything to do the truly-heavy level of general healing that DR ST4 would focus on.
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Great news. Have a fantastic and healthy August!
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I initially opened up this journal entry intending to journal quite seriously about the thoughts and feelings I have had throughout the day. However, the hot shower preceding this, as well as the various random funny YouTube videos I got myself into got me off track as well as also a bit more lighthearted. Perhaps it’s a good thing I encountered those, because I realize at the end of the day a lot of these thoughts are just that—thoughts. They simply present a perspective on the current situation, which isn’t that problematic in of itself. Let’s see whether I can describe it all in the span of one pomodoro.
Virus Fears
First things first, what did the virus do? I’ve isolated for a week and I haven’t gone out much at all. The first change was when the move began a few days ago, but even then I wouldn’t really consider that going out much at all. There were periods where I was at the new place by myself, setting things up for hours at a time. What am I getting at? Essentially, weathering the virus became not only a physical challenge but also a mental challenge. This unexpected development seriously threw me off guard. And when I started to search up things like “COVID effects on brain” and read the titles I started to worry. I started to get a bit dramatic, one might say. There’s no conclusive evidence that COVID has a long-term negative affect on the brain, although I have read some headlines about people having “long covid” symptoms related to the brain. But that’s the thing. These are headlines.
I’ve done no serious research into this stuff. I just looked at a few news headlines, a few video titles and then I started thinking pessimistically about the long-term impacts of the virus. That’s one problem in of itself—jumping to conclusions too quickly. A good friend suggested, what if it’s just the extended period of isolation that many people had to endure during the pandemic that is getting mixed up with this? We may be getting that mixed up with the notion of the virus actually changing something physically/chemically in the brain. He’s got a point, and I do agree that being stuck at home has what really sucked. Once I start going out and about again I should see myself getting better.
And look, I’m one of the last people I know who has gotten the virus. Various people I know have gotten it throughout the pandemic, recovered, and gone on with their lives. None of them are experiencing long-term effects as far as I see or know. It’s not that bad.
My action here is to just give myself the physical and mental space to fully recover. I may have tested negative recently, but I feel I should not push myself too hard just yet. And the mental stuff, well I am accomplishing that by journaling here as well as pausing some other threads.
Moving Out Fears
So the other side to the mental challenge recently has been with moving out. I can clearly see that the mental challenges from the virus got mixed up with those of moving out. It’s unfortunate timing that the one and only time I have gotten the virus occurred during one of the biggest events of my entire life.
I got a bit scared about the change. I had a fear of change come up earlier which I helped myself process with some EFT (what a great technique)! In revisiting why I am moving, one reason (among many) for it is that I was afraid I’d never grown up properly if I didn’t move out and live away from my parents for a bit. When I became aware of this reason I became a little sad. “fear of never growing up.” But why would I be sad about this when I am now taking the very step that would resolve that? I found that odd. There must be more to it. Maybe it’s more about the challenges to be encountered in the process. Hmm…
Another thing that disturbed me came from thinking, what does moving out accomplish? Well, one practical reason is that it is a lot easier for me to date and form romantic relationships while I have my own place. Not knocking that. But I started to think ahead more about what I really want out of life. Chiefly, the big thing I felt I wanted next in my life is a fulfilling long-term relationship. After that is to have my own house. But see, owning a house was something I wasn’t thinking of doing until around a decade into the future. Now I can get into why I’ve thought like that for the house—the area where I live is expensive even considering how much my job pays, and I don’t want to be locked down to my area (not sure if I’d stay here when I’d want to move to a house), etc. But examining these thoughts I see some issues.
- The economic downturn that’s on its way suggests that perhaps housing can crash and it’d be a good time to buy. But even then, where? And would I want to live there?
- This last question might have a false premise; I don’t necessarily have to buy one to live in, I could buy one for purposes of real estate investment or for a stream of passive income (rent).
- I also have a fear that I won’t have enough cash on hand when the time comes. I especially would not want that to be known to my parents. Well, I already started stockpiling on cash and not doing much with investing instruments…
-
When I have my relationship and I have my house (which I deferred a decade out)…is that it? Is that really all I am to accomplish in life? This made me feel down like I am some ordinary joe schmoe who doesn’t have any ambitions to do anything great. It felt like I was seriously shortchanging myself and the potential for greatness that I have. To say nothing of the fact that in that short list of two items I didn’t make any mention of accomplishing my life purpose.
- It reminds me of myself during my school days when I was known as that “smart kid” and not much else. And when I’d go back home and finish my homework I’d just play video games or something like that the rest of the day. (To be fair, being the smart kid very much positively impacted the following stages in ways I felt were important).
- In seeing this I feel that I should accomplish the goal of having a house much sooner. Be open to real estate investing for purposes of asset value appreciation and passive income. Why limit myself to the idea or belief (!) that I won’t have a house until that far in the future?
- I feel I owe it to myself to be awesome and very driven towards being a superb and highly accomplished human being. One who serves as a great example to others. I do not want to become complacent after getting the two aforementioned things and letting the rest of my life (existing or potential) fall by the wayside. That to me simply sucks. I want to keep pushing forward.
- The flip side to the whole “Is that it?” question is that I may be jumping a little ahead. I don’t even have the first aforementioned thing as of this writing. However I think it’s important to question the overall mentality right now since the broader picture it suggests—encoded as beliefs and assumptions that may have been residing subconsciously—would then influence how I go about accomplishing these first two things or perhaps even how quickly I’d accomplish them. Well, I’m telling myself right now—Yes, I can take my time to do these things properly. However, don’t think they are the only things to do. Nor should I feel I can do only one thing at a time.
So yea, that’s where I am currently at. I wonder if LBFH, MFO, Khan ST1 or AsCh has anything to do with these mental developments and internal monologues as of late…
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Rest Day.
In this entry we take another look at my inner machinations. A lot of the mental stresses surrounding my changing life seem to not be here today. Highlights of today:
- First day back at work since last Tuesday. I was working from home, to be sure. However, this time I was able to get stuff done. I treated today’s workday as a way to test the waters, see how I’m feeling. Well, I feel confident about being able to work the rest of the week. While people have suggested a “two-week COVID leave” I can’t really do that given the current duties of my role, which among other things giving a final evaluation for a direct report by the end of this week.
- In the evening, I got my mattress set up at my new place and got one of the final pieces of living room furniture set up. What now stops me from fully moving in is that my standing desk hasn’t arrived yet. I don’t have plans to go into the office this week, and unfortunately, my standing desk isn’t arriving until the second half of this week. So I won’t be fully moved in for a bit longer…which is fine, because like I’ve been saying, I want to be fully mentally resolved before doing that.
Thankfully, at no point today did I feel the mental turmoil that I felt yesterday. I can attribute this to the subliminals (healing-heavy stack, remember), journaling, conversations, and rest that I’ve had recently. Sleep is important, too. To be sure, there are still some things I want to deal with and I’ll see where EFT and private journaling can take me before I report back on those.
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He seems fine.
If not NAC (N-Acetyl-Cysteine) is the way to go.
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It appears I am undergoing some kind of self-imposed internal frame battle. How am I going to change?
I am once again on a deeply internal journey. I feel that my life has had a lot of that. It’s mostly been an internal journey. This is something I’ve appreciated throughout the years as the introspection has allowed me to understand myself better and make some paradigm shifts. Now, however, I am a bit annoyed. When it’s going to stop being internal only, and when will I see the results in the external world?
Perhaps I am not looking hard enough. Obviously the move is a big change. I’m changing my entire environment as well as the conditions I’m going to be in daily, which will lead to different outcomes. Sure, this is a result. But then I read about the wonderful results people are having on LBFH, the profound outer effects some got with Khan ST1, and stellar manifestations on IC and HS (such that it motivated me to build my custom), and I start to wonder, what am I doing exactly?
In a way, it feels like I am always walking or running towards my big goals but I never quite reach them, not in the way I see others on this forum reach them. But really, when I look at the specific goals I have in mind when I write this (namely the goals of MFO), I see that it’s only been about a month into subliminal-manifesting and my stack is dedicated to healing and not to action. I would’ve liked to see more things in the outer world reflect that healing, but I suppose the recent extended stay at home due to the virus means the observation of those outer changes has been deferred. I say deferred because I’m sure that it’ll be easier to see things change once I start going out often again. That, and move to a stack that is not around healing…
Yea. I can say as I’m writing this that I’m annoyed with running healing stacks. This is despite their perceived necessity. I know it simply comes down to wanting the results now. “It should have been here yesterday!” How much more healing could I possibly need to do? Could the healing inherent in ZP titles be enough? That’s what I am betting on with the stacks I’ve designed for after stack 5 ends.
It gives me solace that I never quite needed a healing phase for the first half of the year, where the stacks were designed around manifestation and career development. Any healing I got was from the healing inherent in ZP. Of course, I don’t have as many hangups about career advancement as I have had about the topics of MFO.
ZP is decidedly a build that focuses on changing the inner world first. I wish there was more to having the outer change more quickly. I can’t believe I’m saying that, given how this is the most powerful tech so far. Well, for faster results there are two more advancements I can think of off the top of my head that would speed things up even further…the first is name-embedding. I imagine that SC is already trying to work on both of the advancements to improve results even more.
I just wonder sometimes, why am I like this? Sure I am introspective and that has been a valuable asset throughout my life. But why do I get so stuck in my mind (and for so long) before things materially improve?*
*Well, this may have uncovered a limiting belief. Also, I realize I may be getting impatient about results in a domain I admittedly have not taken serious action on in a long time (sometimes intentionally so, as in the case of earlier this year) and this beginning itself is, once again, a healing phase. A phase which subliminally ends in less than two weeks, at that.
You got that right!
Reflecting on today. It was a rest day, but a good deal of things still happened.
A lot of the craziness today has to do with some unexpected developments regarding the intern on my team. Unfortunately, there have been changes in company policy that have taken me and others by surprise. To summarize, I feel these changes are a bit unfair and so does the intern. We’ve been put in a tough spot and it was the focus of multiple meetings today…anyway because there’s a follow-up on that which go all the way through Friday I’m not going to complete the move until Friday after work. That’s alright.
I feel bad for the intern and for myself for overoptimistically reading the situation for so long. However, as a few good peeps have reminded me it’s not all my fault. I’ve been subject to a lot of forces that are not directly within my control (namely the decisions made by higher-ups at the company, which in turn are certainly influenced by changes in macroeconomic conditions) and I’ve done the best I could. I’ll be thinking more about how I can help that individual out for the rest of this week and in the remainder of their time.
Let’s revisit the concerns I shared in my last long entry. The highlight of today for me was my hangout with someone I haven’t been able to meet up with in a while, where I got a lot more hope about my situation. My last journal entry was motivated specifically by how there isn’t anything going on in the department of romance/dating right now; meanwhile, this guy has had a great breakthrough recently, even manifesting someone who fit the criteria they defined on a sheet of paper. Even more interesting is that he’s got multiple people right now. What happened? In this meetup, I got to learn more about what he did. There’s a lot that happened, including having access to some of the right online resources (paid and otherwise) that got him to where he is right now.
- When I was first hearing all this stuff I was pretty happy for him and proud he got to pull off manifesting, but at the same time, I was feeling a bit down for myself given my current circumstance. Here I simply opened up to him about this sentiment. This sentiment simply became difficult to contain especially in the face of an individual who is surprisingly similar to me in some interesting ways. “What’s wrong with me?” I had thought.
- During the discussion I was reminded that I basically just got started on doing anything about this and that I haven’t opened up the right pathways just yet. For example, I’m currently not on the apps while on the other hand, this guy has had all his breakthroughs through there (even the SP manifestation)
- In certain parts of the conversation when he was explaining the surprising clarity he had gotten as well as the simplicity in certain aspects of the process (“You just need a few good shirts”) I had some mixed feelings, especially about the simplicity. I’m generally considered more stylish than a lot of fellow peers and I’m still here. Do I have a problem? However, the way he reconciled his understanding of the challenge—and now I am reconciling it—is that things in this department don’t quite relate to knowledge in such a linear way. It’s like there are a few key pieces that need to be known the most, and those pieces are what got him so far in the process. This was likened to the Pareto principle. Another dose of hope here.
- He is confident that should I study the aforementioned resources (which he is willing to share!) and put in the effort I would succeed, just like him. I was reassured and cheered up a few times throughout this conversation, which I will admit: I needed those. I needed the reassurance that things will at least be okay.
At the end of this whole conversation, I got more hope about my current situation and my ability to get to where I want to be in my dating life. Pretty glad I got to meet this guy, impart my knowledge in previous meetups and help him be successful. I’m going to get there myself now.
Listened:
- LBFH
- Khan ST1
Honestly, a lot of changes have been going on and it’s hard for me to plainly identify what subs are connected with what outcomes in real life. The one strong connection I see is that the speed at which I have been resolving some inner challenges and conflicts has been considerably quickened as of late.
Anyway, today marks the first full day at the new place. I spent a great deal of the day setting up my main workspace, and even that is not complete yet. I also have some gripes about how my desk is set up, but I think it is possible to work with and improve upon. I’ll be doing that tomorrow. A bit annoying right now, but I must get through to finish this entry!
The second half of the day was more eventful thanks to a friend of mine reaching out to confirm a hangout that lasted all the way through the evening. I am also glad this friend did this as it helped me feel better in light of all the changes and mental battles I’ve had lately. Another thing is that in my last few conversations with this individual, it became apparent to me that I was dramatizing some of the challenges that were going through my mind; simply put, I was exaggerating their severity and potential impact. I knew for some time that my mind liked to make a mountain out of a molehill, but seeing it come out in these last few conversations combined with my recent keen to resolve the inner turmoil stirred up in these past few weeks has made it much clearer still. Perhaps I can and should change this, because dramatization to this extent would be untenable in this current time period of my life where many changes have and will continue to occur. For me to maintain my sanity I must adjust to the expectation that plenty of changes are afoot and there will be a few ups and downs. The downs, particularly the extent to which I perceive them as downs, should be heavily scrutinized and looked at with the proper context (as opposed to seeing or stating them in absolutes as I have had a habit of doing).
Because really, the challenges I have aren’t that bad. They’re solvable. More than that, in fact. I’ll have to put in some effort, but there’s a way out. Some people have shown me the way. And if I don’t know yet, the world is going to present me that way. That’s just part of my reality and how I manifest.
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It took a bit more effort than expected to rearrange some things in my room. I need to take a break before continuing.
My brain is telling me “Hey, you did a lot of work there—why not take some rest?” That’s a fair request, what’s not great are the suggestion for how that rest should be conducted. I’m going to go outside for a little bit.
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Listened:
- LBFH (5 min)
- MFO (7 min)
- AsCh (7 min)
I highlight the listening times to showcase how variegated my listening pattern is right now. I run LBFH with the shortest duration because I am running it every other day. I am running it every other day until the washout that precedes the end of stack 5b.
Today marked my first day back in the office and quite a few were happy to see me! The funny thing is, it was also a day when several people decided not to come to the office for some unknown reason. Oh well. Lunch was good and I worked on some lower-priority things, but for the most part, I wasn’t feeling motivated to be there. I was happy enough that people received my return positively.
The most interesting turn of today was when one of my coworkers wanted to get dinner with me to talk about some real stuff. You see, I’ve had a lot of doubts and internal challenges come up over the past few weeks since getting the virus as I’ve been writing extensively about in my recent entries. As it turns out, he’s had a bit of inner turmoil in the same timeframe. So over dinner, I got to hear all about that. Hearing all of that stuff was interesting because it made me get the notion of “we’re in this together.” It enabled me to further reflect on my own situation and also do some comparing and contrasting. The way in which he responded to his own situation was intriguing as it reflects a fundamental difference in the way we operate when it comes to motivation.
Anyway, I haven’t been so productive in getting things setup since coming back to my place this evening. Let’s change that!
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Rest day. Quickly journaling for today because it’s relatively late already.
It was another day at the office, however, the most novel experiences were trying out the gym that’s at the office campus as well as a special hang that occurred after work. The work gym was cool since it featured some special powerlifting equipment I don’t have at my place. I see myself using both the work gym and the gym that’s in my apartment complex depending on the day and circumstance.
The hangout after work was special since it was with someone else who is moving out of the area. They are moving out of the entire area—different from what I did—for educational reasons. Somehow I did not feel too sad about it. While they are going far, it’s still within driving distance. I will be sure to do a trip to that particular city since I have under-explored it and also to visit them. Anyway, it was cool because they also wanted to celebrate my recent move, and give me a gift for it too!
I feel more optimistic about my life situation getting better in the near future.
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Yesterday
Listened:
- LBFH
- Khan ST1
It was a rather odd day if I’m being honest. I got caught in some funky business on this day (including with one car-related item) and I just didn’t give myself the space to journal.
It’s also on this day that I came up with an idea for stack 6. Instead of listening first thing in the morning I’m going to listen in the evening, closer to bed-time. I’m going to make that a consistent pattern. I want to see what happens as a result of this.
Today
Rest day.
It’s an interesting day because people started saying good byes to the interns on our team, as they won’t be in office tomorrow when the interns themselves complete their final day. As people said these goodbyes I started to get reflective about my life. I once worked at this very company as an intern. What had changed in my life between then and now? Unfortunately, I took the pessimistic route in answering this (all in my mind) by suggesting that not much has changed and that I should feel sad for that.
However, writing this out right now it feels kind of funny to say that, especially when juxtaposed with the fact that late in the workday an intern found one of my photos that is now a few years old and remarked that I looked so different in that photo. And I do agree, I do look quite different in that photo. It reflects the actions I took around that time, as well as the actions I have taken since. To be very clear, I’m not judging myself to say that I looked better in the old photo vs now, or vice-versa: simply that I have actually done a lot between then and now (and the old photo was taken earlier in my time at the company).
How could I say not much has changed in the years? Saying such a thing does a disservice to everything that I’ve documented on this site, through all the journals I’ve had. Sure there are some things that haven’t changed as much, but I may be over-indexing on the significance of these things:
- I’m still at the same company (but I’ve risen up the ranks and done a lot there).
- I’m still in the same general area—or part of the country if you will. But I’ve traveled to a lot of places and I will be going to even more in the near future. A huge trip is planned during October, after all. And also, I’m no longer living at my parents’ place.
And I’ve literally been through a recent huge current of change, thanks to the virus and the move. So it seems almost humorous right now that even as I type all this I feel some sort of sadness.
My mind likes to dwell in negativity as if it is under the presumption that doing so is helpful. Or that I am able to get some sort of sympathy by framing my situation as a negative one. That’s really what it is. This sort of attitude is far from what it once was in terms of intensity. Nonetheless, it comes and goes and when it hits again I am left feeling sorry for myself and asking myself such questions as “Will I ever have lasting happiness?”
“Come on man, the answer is yes!” A part of me says excitedly, trying to cheer me up.
But here I am feeling down, because some people have reminded me of the passage of time :’(
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Final Listening Day of Stack 5b
Listened:
- LBFH
- MFO
Ran in the morning to continue the new gym streak and also to help my mind process the subs. Then went to work. I was motivated to go primarily to see the people (I mentioned in the previous journal) on their last day before they left the company.
Unfortunately, that current of sadness I elaborated upon yesterday continued in some form throughout the day. I feel that I had manifested this sadness to continue through today because of what I may have carried into the night. The mood did take a slightly different tone due to my frustration with my coworkers. The frustration is a revisit of a topic I’ve discussed here a few times—I feel disconnected from my coworkers (again). My recent period of absence from the office had a factor to do with this. I also am not fond of their antics, particularly the gossiping and cliquey nature they seem to have (to be frank, it’s a particular subset of coworkers when I say this).
But it feels like if I tried to seriously connect with them again—that they might just write me off because I’ve been out of the loop too long.
Anyways, I brought all of these concerns to my good friend and in the discussion, I noticed that after I said these things out loud they sounded a bit funny—should I be taking these thoughts seriously? And also, this individual told me that I was being a bit harsh on myself and underselling all the changes that I have made (and he has clearly observed) over the years. There was also the suggestion to use manifestation to change certain aspects regarding coworkers!
Honestly, I shouldn’t take a lot of these thoughts so seriously. It’s like I mentioned above—it’d’ be hard to maintain sanity if I did this all the time. Also, I have to account for the fact that I have been dealing with a lot of changes recently which have put mental stress on me that I don’t think I have fully recovered from yet. The longer-term effects of the virus related to eating that I have noticed, the move, and all these things at work at the same time are getting to me too much. In retrospect, perhaps it would have suited me better to work from home throughout the entire week instead of at the office nearly every day.
And I am to start on Stack 6 on Aug 16…well, it’s a good thing that I will be doing evening listens instead of morning listens. That increases the washout time by almost a day.
A good deal of turmoil recently has revolved around the question of “When will I find a girlfriend?” Unfortunately, I obsessed over this quite a bit recently and it just made me feel more discontent about my current situation, despite it being pretty good in most other regards. Overthinking certainly did not help. However, I did realize today that it’s not able to explain everything. For example, when I was at the office being disgruntled I thought “If I were in this same situation would I be cool with it because I am in a relationship?” and realized “No, that wouldn’t be enough!”
The truth is, I would like my relationship with my coworkers to be a much more harmonious and friendly one. Almost all of them are within my age group and I haven’t said much that’s wrong recently. The bigger issue is that I haven’t said much at all recently and I have had some fear that I wouldn’t get it right once I do actually try.
This is where I feel Stack 6 can come in, which is unexpected because I didn’t design Stack 6 for this. However, the fact that I have Daredevil AND PCC in this upcoming stack means I have both offense and defense (where PCC is good defense at work) as I get into the social game again.