So, little follow up for the past week
Wednesday 01/04/26 15s DD, 15s Khan1
Felt more drive and urgency to work, worked quite late until night.
Thursday 02/04/26 rest day
slight recon throughout the day, was social, but I had khan effect as in I affirmed my position quite firmly in a debate on fire security drills. a colleague seem to take security lightly, want to flee without warning or helping anyone in case of a fire, claiming anyone would flee in proper order and training is unnecessary. I disagree, many studies shows that without trainings tons of people are either ignoring the danger and staying to burn or drown, or panicking and endangering other people, such as with stampedes.
I worked quite a lot, and late that day too, somewhat neglecting what work I should do at home, such as dishes, I still take care to eat proper balanced meals however.
I was a bit stressed about the yearly review on Friday, as I have had bad experiences in the past of employers only using it to nitpick on what went wrong and dodge giving raises, even after I bought proofs (a 12 pages presentation) on all I do right and how much I earned the business and how I went over my mission statement to give more, andhow I help everyone in the team.
But a colleague had an opposite experience, one of being listened to and where both parties work toward bettering the work environment and making it easier to do things right for all.
This gave me hope and renewed my motivation and vision.
I do important work and working together to accomplish the business vision is possible.
Friday 03/04/2026 15s ToL
felt good but still pressure, felt that maybe next week I should increase to 45s, realised later that’s nonsense as I got recon. though it’s lowkey recon, but recon still.
the yearly review was smooth, despite me writing a novel as usual in the comments. on how our business is essential in the current geopolitical climate, how the culture is rapidly changing since we were bought and how this year was pivotal and transformative, of some needed changes that prevented me from doing one of the task I was assigned, and slowed others, what could and should be improved.
I was able to finish a task just the day before too so I was proud of my accomplishments, as it was not easy.
in the evening, I felt justified buying Old World as it is a strategy game and might help train my brain at making better decision.
Saturday 04/04/2026 Rest
Gamed all day on Old World. By the end of the day, I ended up using cheats instead of seeing myself lose a town to AI, even though I was on normal difficulty, as often in these games I don’t tend to develop my armies prefering increasing production and developing infrastructures. I dislike wars and when attacked I feel the need to utterly annihilate whoever came to disrupt the harmony (in game) but as I got no attack or defensive power it is fruitless, unless cheats.
I realized later that I used cheats to preserve my self-image through the series of inflexions/beliefs that
I am smart, therefore I am good at strategy game (first mistake), I am good at strategy game so I should win without drawbacks (second mistake), especially so as I’m on normal difficulty.
and I had lowered my standard and lied to myself rather than face this conflict, rather than face my own shame. rather than to see clearly what caused such emotional upheaval and what needs rectification, if my self image need rectification, or my beliefs of the world.
Losing a city doesn’t necessarily means losing a game. Losing a game doesn’t necessarily means I am dumb.
and I can see now that I am attached to this image of me being smart. Likely because most of everyone I ever met told me that.
I have a feeling that this is one of the rare things I got for myself, though I know this is not true, because people seem to appreciate being with me.
Though my brain know, my heart doesn’t know.
recently, I have gotten infatuated with Active Inference, which posit that the brain as a predition machine is faced with two choices when an inference/prediction it makes conflict with reality, it can either change perception (ignore senses and keep the inference, or change the inference) or act (move so that the environment fit the inference, or change what exist in reality to fit the inference)
Here’s a good site talking about it, along with an handy graphic
it posit also that the brain tend to prefer the less energy intensive processes, but the conscious may chose and so override the preference. in this viewframe, the self (constructed self/ego) is a collection of inferences either made or accepted from the environment through life, either rectified or not. and that these predictions allow reducing the energy spent.
if we believe that when X happens, Y happens, we only have to look out for X.
it also posit that since the brain is 1. prefering less energy intensive processes and 2. the basal ganglia, the “reptilian brain” is focused purely on survival and influence other processes such as emotions, who themselves influence perception and cognition.
therefore, the brain will privilegy the current behavior (the “comfort zone”) over a potentially unsafer alternative.
even if the current situation isn’t comfortable, the brain doesn’t “know” for sure 100% that the alternative isn’t worse, and further, changing the environment cost energy.
even if we know cognitively and logically that the other situation will be better and safer, our brain will never know for sure, unless we take the step.
I initially wrote the former sentence with “you” and “your”, which shows I still need to internalize this.
(well, these could all be from active inference or a mix of different studies and lecture I saw tbh)
according to neuroscience, taking distance such as speaking in third person allow making more logical descisions as it causes less reaction from the prediction engine and so has less emotional involvement, so really it would be better to think in third person,
“what should wonders do, given that she knows all of this? and given she doesn’t have much passion for her work? and given she doesn’t have the motivation to pursue? and given she feel lost and powerless when she is separate from others and nature? yet panic internally when she’s with other, lying to herself about feeling safe, hence why she put on a mask in front of others to hide her slight deep panic, caused by a prediction engine that often get things wrong, plan for the worse and get the best, and yet keep prepping for battle?”
Damn, this stuff works well, wow.
a bit too much?
no jkjk this is a good thing, stuff like that should be confronted, and rectified ideally.
though I don’t want to make the jump right now, for a thousands excuses, all as bad or worse than the former. all intellectually sound but stupid in the conclusion and therefore leading to unevolving results, to stasis, to situation paralysis.
even though when cells stop moving, that’s called death.
but my cells do their best to keep the body in top shape, every day they make decisions and act, in the most efficient, economical and sure way they know of, to try and satisfy my needs.
and yet I stay still.
Damn, I really did learn stuff from gaming, lmaoo
Sunday 05/04/2026 Rest
I saw family, it was great, my grandma is back from rea at the hospital, and though she might not last the year. We ate Easter lunch with Mom and grandma, though my sister wasn’t there, she’s heavily depressed due to a multitude of factors, I wish I could help, so I plan on seeing her next Sunday, as I got my ex by tel and will see her on Saturday (she seems happier in the new psychiatric hospital, and she started to crunch on another female patient, it’s great to hear she’s happy and moving on, I am glad to see her enjoying her life and advancing. especially more so as I don’t see/feel myself advancing.)
later I ate dinner my my dad, siblings and mil, it was great too to see everyone. I helped both side of the family with stuff throughout the day, my mom gave me money though I didn’t ask, to help me buy a new phone (since I got an old broken S9) though I told her there’s no need she insisted. as I don’t have that much margin I accepted, though I might invest a good part of it on something more urgent, like replacing the water heater that’s 18 years old and might break at any time now.
Monday 06/04/2026 15s Daredevil
as I got recon from running khan and dd, I chose this week to listen to 15s of one title per listening days, starting with the newest as I got lunch planned at a coworkers place.
In the morning I also answered questions I got on whatsapp from a girl I helped about Easter, I told her about my grandma situation and how I took the occasion that my grandma is still alive to properly thank her for all she did for me and my cousins throughout life, all the good times we had playing in the garden and then coming home for a good mea, how this loving environment really built us up. (which I did, might as well say what needs to be said while we can and enjoy life. birth comes once in a lifetime and so does death.)
I took some news about her own Easter, she said she wished she could see her own grandma and how she spent the day with her daghter and sister. it’s good that she had some family and didn’t stay alone too.
I then went to see my coworker, he cooked a fantastic meal, though since he’s an awesome cook he could see things he could have done better, but it was delicious so I told him about how delicious and harmonious it was, how the different meal married to one another to create a fantastic experience.
We talked a bit about life with him his wife and daughter, wI had a good time and hopefully they did as well, he showed me his work labl and it reminded me of my grandpa work lab so I told him, my grandpa used to be one of the first to sell and repair Hi-Fi, TVs, and home appliances in the region, and so had a fully fledged electronic repair shop, and my colleagues electronic repair shop is as extensive as that.
He calls himself an amateur that started from scratch but he’s so much more than that. he doesn’t seem to see how good he is so I took care of telling him how impressive what he does is, how much he was able to improve his home, all the work he did, that is really impressive, and the quality? professional level. the fact he learned by doing is even more laudable.
in the end we talked until something like , afterward he shown me his 3D TV by putting a star trek movie, the depth was really good! I never saw anything from star trek as I told him so I discovered, though I could predict some of the intrigue it was still really fun, in the end I only came home at like 8 pm, after he gave me some of the meal to bring home.
This was a really good week end.
tuesday 07/04/26 rest
This morning I checked out some reels on instagram, and one of them jumped at me. an artist that showed of one of his masterpiece and took the time to explain the details. the piece was a photograph of a man burning in bed above a lake, with a diving helmet.
showing how people stay in confort burning, afraid to dive into the cold unknown, fearing drowning, even when they are already equipped.
it talked to me. I can clearly see the distance between where I <?> and where I am. it makes myself dizzy a bit. like looking from atop a skyscrapper. idk if I want change, but I know what I like and though the colleagues are great I am not having fun at work, even more I am not motivated.
I feel a bit lost tbh, but I know that’s only from me closing my eyes on my situations.
it can only get better by opening them and confronting myself, but I feel scared
why do I feel scared? likely, because I know how uncomfortable it will be
in fact, it is uncomfortable, but opening will reveal the extend of the damage that needs repairs.
but though I know change is inevitable, I am still afraid of taking the step, and sinking deeper than I am.
having a salary is securing, though this is not what I desire if I am being honest.
That’s all I know of, and I am not confident about starting a business or being a freelancer, or reconverting to something else.
idk, I am lost.
at least I know this, this is an anchor.
though an unstable anchor…
one that needs changing, one that I know needs changing.
but one that I don’t know how I would change and for what.
" I knew that this was an invitation to initiate a conversation, and yet I didn’t go for it, I just said "Hi! 
" and went on with my day.