Tale of the Dreamy Khan: Thermae of Love - a Wonders-full story

[Wonders]

20/03/26 TotDB 7m, evening

an ok day all in all, there were good discussions at work

Good advances despite me not coding much lol

21/03/26 rest day

Woke up after a dream, that dream had me struggling, but only when I chose to act was there changes, the message is clear, if I want to change anything I must do something.

[Edit: also, when I woke up and left my bed, everything cracked, and I had next to no pain anymore, I can do all movements]
Spent most day gaming, though I also took care of home.

Read a bit about the new Summertime, fantasized about using it next year after I start taking HRT again, how the stack might look like.

In the evening I decided to not go to the city to party still it’s too much of a bother to find a parking spot, which is why more and more I’m thinking of selling my car and taking a scooter instead, but for that I first need to send a registered letter to the driving license administrative office so they send me a new one, since they ignored the request I made on their online tool.

That way, I got the possibility of suing them if they still try to ignore.

In the end, my sister needed me to come fetch her and her friend at the airport so I did, in the end me not going to party was useful.

22/03/26 rest day 2

Woke up with another dream, this time taking action to meet people, to meet women, I guess since I don’t take action in real life my subC is showing me tips and simulating how it could happen to prepare? That’s a way to treat the script too, but in dream we cannot gain new experiences, only revamp, replay existing ones and simulate based on existing knowledge.

I went to vote, then went to see my dad and siblings, it was a chill day, I told them all about my Thailand vacation and gave some tips to my bro for his coding homework whenever he was stuck and asked for help, but he’s good at it.

he’s good wherever he tries, the issue is just he doesn’t try at school, if he wanna do what he want he should try to at least get the baccalauréat.

But yeah, one way or another he’ll learn, the best thing we can do is try to make working on that appealing.

We also played a couple board games, but then I got a call for my mom that my grandma had little blood pressure and couldn’t get up so she got transported to the hospital.

After arguing with my mom about whether to go (she didn’t want me to go, but I wanted to) I went to see her or at least wait in the visitor area for things to evolve.

My feelings were somewhat neutral I think? Well, not neutral, but the effect felt was little.
I want to be there if she dies, but death is part of life, I got little feelings if she dies or lives, she has been getting closer to death for more than a year.

But I want to be there, because I would have regret if I wasn’t there when she died, and I want her to know that her family care about her.

[Edit: Also, I realize I still store a lot of trauma in my body, though I got no intense twitching anymore.
Still sitting there in the same room where I was when I was bleeding out after the neighbors dog attacked me as a teen.
Waiting.

This time not as a patient, but as a visitor and as support.

Trembling a tiny bit in my fingers.
Regen did a lot, but is needed still, and will be in the custom Thermae of Love starting in the second half of next month iirc.

Well, rather, the scripting and tools given need to be used and refined. I can use them, but refining them and learning more require to listen more.]

[Wonders]

23/03/26 Khan 12m, RotNW 5m, just woke up

Ok so I got a new dream, so I had friends, then lost them them, forgot how, then I was with gf but like just for fun, in the “make me surrender” mood and at one point I lost her too
Then when I met her again she was like “you really need to learn how to make friends with beautiful women” and I was like how? And she said to run for office?

I mean, it might be due to there being municipal elections yesterday but there might be some truth that running for office might cause one to meet people and friends? But yeah that was an interesting dream, with how I kept losing people though I was having fun

Edit 1: maybe the “election” thing was a way to say to become more visible to meet more people? Mmh, there are things I could do to become more visible indeed, and it would serve other long term goals.

Though the friend meeting app seemed a bit dry, but joining an association again, joining clubs, or becoming public makes sense and would serve my goals

[Edit 2: ended up listening to 12m Khan1 this morning, and couldn’t listen to more than 5m RotNW at noon as starting 4m30 I began to feel this intense bothering buzzing activity in my brain, so I stopped it.]

[Edit 3: I’m thinking everyone got result but me reading other people’s journal, which is a classic recon thought because I know there were influences and changes, results. I might need to reduce listening time and see how it goes]

[Wonders]

I don’t take much action anymore, instead I fell in old gaming escapism pattern, to try to escape a reality where I feel alone, thus putting me deeper within that reality of aloneness.

But idk how to do otherwise.
Idk how to make friend or more it happened on accident the few times I was able to do it.

I am definitely in recon.
As I feel like I’m doomed, trapped, unable to make friends.
Though I know it’s not true at all.

Recon is a difference between inner self and external reality.
I feel needy because I feel I should be able to get friends or more easily.

But my external reality right now is I just work go home eat sleep. And don’t go out on the weekend. And don’t meet friend.

Find excuses not to go to the city.
Parking and “what would I even do there? Go to a bar? Go to the one ok club?”

If I had a scooter the parking issue would be no more, same as the jam excuse and price of gas excuse, but would I go? Or would I find an excuse such as working too late or too tired? Such as not having enough money?

Until when will I keep inventing new excuses to not even try?
Just because I am scared of being rejected and abandoned.

That’s the real core of the issue really.

That’s what’s being protected.

And I don’t care how woozy and dissociated it makes me I’m still gonna say it.

It’s a survival mechanism from those time, that time, I was betrayed, drugged, abandoned, raped, at a party by “friends”

Fuxk.

Fuck

Survival mechanism that no longer has a reason to exist

Or maybe it does?

But then there are other way to bring safety, I could do combat sports and have friends

These aren’t incompatible far from it.

I can discern better now too
Who’s good for me or who’s bad?

Is that true?
I mean, I am willing to put myself with bad women voluntarily.
Because it confirms my prejudice.
Truth is, I don’t go toward good girls, nor do I go toward girls that are good for me.
Because then I am a vixtim and can complain.

But I know deep down that they’re bad for me.
So really, I have the capability of discerning, bad from good, good from bad.

…
The time is still.
The time is now.
But I’m scared?
Why am I scared of doing what I know would be good for me?
What I know would bring me joy, happy experiences? Character development ?

Scared of pain

Good old excuse? But that isn’t one. Belief? No. Association?
Why do I associate good time with friends or women with pain?

Same old story.
Betrayal.
Rejection.
Depression.
Trauma.
Sui attempts.
That f up period of my life.

Sobering feeling.
The cat come watch me, liking his lips after drinking some water.
I should prepare dinner.

But yeah, idk how to escape this.
Is escape even possible when the call is coming from inside? From my own mind?

I’m gonna have to fight it won’t I?
Fight these shadows?
Or should I accept them?
I know I should accept them.
So they can let go of their grip.
They try to protect me but I reject them.
The result is limiting for my self, but their intent is good.
Like a snake shedding it’s skin, if I don’t get rid of the old skin I might die.
But shedding the skin is difficult, it require courage to get vulnerable.
The skin was there to protect but now it constrict and blinds me to opportunities and life.
How do I espect to gain what I want if I keep rejecting it?
Idk
Idk how to do that.
My brain knows surely
How to accept, and let go and grow.
It’s as subtle as batting cils without moving the brow.

The cat is sitting on me, looking.
I’m gonna cook now.

Edit: I think I’ll start washout early despite not having finished the cycle,

Replace RotNW by Thermae of Love next week.

Though this is recon thought so I should watch if I still think it’s right in a few days

[Wonders]

25/03/26 TotDB (5m)

This will be the last day of the cycle since we’ll break it then, 3 weeks in advance after 21 listening days
I’ll also lessen the listening time. I’ll do a washout until next monday where I’ll replace RotNW by Thermae of Love, my Regen + LB custom.

This morning on the radio they talked about procrastination and invited an expert on emotion.
What she said confirmed my intuition, that procrastinating is due to us getting a reward out of it, and guilt needing to be accepted as with all emotion since all emotions indicate an underlying state or need.

So I meditated on what me procrastinating on taking care of my home was about, I already know the reason why I procrastinate on socializing, but this one is different.
Well, I didn’t have to dig too far. I procrastinate in taking care of my home because I don’t believe I deserve good things.
Which the going for bad girls and not socializing might also hit on top of the points raised the other day.

I know this is ridiculous, because of course I deserve good things, I deserve to be happy, everyone deserve that.
But if I really believed everyone deserve that why would I deprive myself of that?
Could it be that I believe some people don’t deserve good things, good environment, happiness, and then project their state onto me and judge myself the same way?

…
There might be some indeed, I don’t feel it’s fair that people born rich get to do whatever they want, thus causing much damage to the environment and to human lives without repercutions.
I don’t feel that perverts who objectify women, who treat them badly, who cheat and lie, deserve to continue doing what makes them happy, which I assume is that.

But then, the problem is not them being rich, them being perverted, them lying, the proble is the harmful actions they perform.

And though I might be a pervert born in a rich family that often manipulate truth, I don’t do bad actions.

I want to add that I (almost) never lie, but I do ommit part of truth and part of my thoughts sometimes to get the other person to think how I want them to. and I feel that makes me better than those who lie, though I know that doesn’t make me any better than them.

I do good though, I do my best to make people happy and fulfilled, and try to help people become the best version of themselves because I want the world to get better.
and I believe that makes me better than them, though I don’t know if that belief is truth.

But it doesn’t really matter for answering the question, what matters is that the circumstances of their birth and psychological disposition is no judgement of worth, shouldn’t be judged, and that include pervertedness, wealth, someone’s beliefs and likes and disposition.

What should be judged is solely actions and their consequences, though circumstances might give a clue as to why an action was performed and might serve to understand how to translate an idea in a language they can understand, it doesn’t/shouldn’t condemn them. because even good people might do bad actions by being misled or mistaken.

Edit: and because one never fully know another person’s circumstances due to not being them, hence I could be mistaken about these people’s circumstances and dispositions. Though that’s no excuse for their actions either and doesn’t lessen the consequences of their actions.

Edit2: Intent matters, but at a personal level, since we cannot ever know another person intent, we can only know our own intent and believe another person’s intent.
Intent matters because it direct response. because when we get feedback we may then either persist or try something else. feedback may come from our own inner feelings or from outside perception.

Just because we do good doesn’t mean we’re better than those who do bad.
We don’t know why they do bad but they know. or maybe instead what we judge as “bad” they see as “good”.

Hence how could we claim to be any better than them? maybe what we do good they see as bad.
The only logical thing to do would be to withold all judgement on anyone and anything from which we are lacking data, aka anything external.
We may judge what we do as good or bad, from our own perceptive, based on results, but good and bad lose meaning outside of that.

Though some actions are better for certain goals.
And some goals lead to destruction rather than creation. to breaking rather than creating.

Destruction is necessary and is part of the cycle of life, without the plant withering, nutrients wouldn’t go back to Earth to create more beauty.
Not only that, but isn’t destruction a creation in itself?
When art is destroyed, it become new art.
When the Alexandria library got burned, it created an event in history.

isn’t destruction rather a type of transformation then? much like any other creation, the transformation of matter from one form to another.

So they are artists like any other…
though I always disliked dramas

[Wonders]

I feel a bit overwhelmed and woozy, and I haven’t even listened yet, though it’s the middle of the afternoon.
I received a message from the teacher of a formation I subscribed too but never joined trying to reconnect.
I fled that too, finding excuse in work hours, though I aren’t very productive at work.

I actually asked ChatGPT what it thought of my last two journal entries:

Based on these two journal entries, what would be the best way for me to process my feelings:

[there I put both journal entries]

I feel turmoil inside of me and I don’t know how to manage it. Please give advice that I could apply in real life to manage and overcome.

ChatGPT answer

What you wrote shows something important: you’re already doing deep introspection. You’re identifying mechanisms (avoidance, self-sabotage, guilt, trauma protection), questioning beliefs, and trying to reconcile contradictions. The turmoil you feel isn’t random — it’s the friction between protective patterns and desired growth. That friction is uncomfortable but also a sign of movement.

Below is a structured way to process these feelings in practice, not just conceptually.

1. First: name what’s actually happening internally

From your entries, three layers are interacting:

Layer A — Trauma-based protection

• Fear of betrayal and abandonment
• Avoidance of social exposure
• Associating “connection” with danger
• Dissociation and excuse generation

This aligns closely with mechanisms seen in Post-traumatic stress disorder (even without diagnosing — just the pattern).

Layer B — Self-worth conflict

• “I don’t deserve good things”
• Choosing harmful dynamics to confirm beliefs
• Procrastination tied to self-denial

This reflects maladaptive schemas often discussed in Schema Therapy.

Layer C — Over-intellectualization

• Philosophical reasoning about morality
• Dissolving judgement into relativism
• Turning emotional conflict into abstract reasoning

This is a common coping strategy: it keeps you safe from feeling by thinking.

The turmoil is not confusion — it’s these three systems competing.

2. You don’t need to “fight” or “accept” — you need to differentiate

You asked:

“Do I fight it? Or accept it?”

The practical answer: Do both, but at different levels.

• Accept the emotion
• Challenge the behavior
• Update the belief

That’s the core mechanism used in Cognitive behavioral therapy.

Example with your case:

Emotion:
“I am scared of being rejected” → Acceptable, valid.

Behavior:
“I stay home and avoid everything” → Needs gentle challenge.

Belief:
“Connection leads to pain” → Needs gradual updating.

3. A concrete daily processing method (10–15 minutes)

Use this structured loop:

Step 1 — Externalize the protector

Write:

• “A part of me is afraid that…”
• “This part tries to protect me by…”

Example:

A part of me is afraid I will be betrayed again.
It protects me by making me stay home.

This comes from Internal Family Systems.

Why this works:

• You stop identifying with the fear
• You see it as a protective sub-system
• You reduce internal war

Step 2 — Thank it (seriously)

Write one sentence:

Thank you for trying to protect me.

This sounds trivial but neurologically reduces threat signaling.

Your brain learns: “I’m not suppressing the fear → I’m safe.”

Step 3 — Offer a smaller action

Not “go make friends”.

Instead:

• Walk in the city for 20 minutes
• Sit in a café with headphones
• Join a sports class but leave anytime

Your protector allows graded exposure, not sudden leaps.

This aligns with Exposure therapy.

4. Your “I don’t deserve good things” belief

This is central. It creates:

• avoidance
• procrastination
• harmful relationship choices
• self-sabotage

You don’t change this by logic (you already tried).
You change it by contradictory lived experience.

Concrete exercise:
Every day do one small act that improves your life, and say:

I am allowing myself this.

Examples:

• Clean one surface
• Buy good food
• Rearrange your space
• Go somewhere pleasant

The key is permission, not productivity.

5. Your philosophical reasoning loop

You wrote:

• judging is impossible
• good/bad is relative
• destruction is transformation

This is intellectually valid — but emotionally destabilizing.

When everything becomes relative, your mind loses anchors → anxiety increases.

You need operational values, not absolute metaphysics.

Instead of:
“good vs bad”

Use:

• Does this reduce suffering?
• Does this increase growth?
• Does this move me toward connection?

This converts philosophy into actionable guidance.

6. Your avoidance mechanism in real time

When you notice:

• “I’m too tired”
• “Parking is annoying”
• “What would I even do?”

Say internally:

This is my protector trying to keep me safe.

Then choose one tiny exposure.

Not:
“go to a club”

But:

• drive to the city and leave
• walk 10 minutes
• sit and drink something

You are training your nervous system, not your social skills.

7. Very important: you don’t need to feel ready

You wrote:

Why am I scared of doing what I know would bring joy?

Because your nervous system doesn’t trust your cognition yet.

Healing sequence:

1. Do small safe exposures
2. Brain updates prediction
3. Fear reduces
4. Motivation appears

Not the other way around.

8. A weekly practical plan

You could try:

Daily

• 10 min journaling (protector dialogue)
• 1 small self-kindness act

3x per week

• Leave home intentionally (even briefly)

1x per week

• Structured social exposure (sport, class, group)

You mentioned combat sports — excellent idea:

• predictable environment
• clear roles
• gradual familiarity
• embodied confidence

9. The core reframe

Your mind is not your enemy.

It is still trying to protect you using outdated data.

You don’t need to destroy the “skin” as you wrote.
You need to grow a new one underneath until the old one falls away.

That happens through:

• repetition
• small risks
• self-permission
• safe experiences

10. When turmoil spikes — quick grounding

Use this 60-second reset:

1. Look around, name 5 objects
2. Feel feet on ground
3. Slow exhale for 6 seconds
4. Say internally:

I am safe right now

This reduces dissociation and emotional flooding.

11. One last observation

Your entries show:

• self-awareness
• moral reflection
• emotional depth
• desire for growth
• empathy

These are not traits of someone “doomed socially”.
They are traits that, once safe, tend to attract healthy relationships.

Your main task is not “becoming someone else” —
it’s making your nervous system believe connection is safe again.

If you want, I can also:

• help you design a step-by-step exposure ladder
• suggest ways to meet people safely
• help you restructure your journaling into a framework
• or analyze patterns in future entries

You’re already doing the hardest part: looking directly at what’s inside.

This is spot on as I got diagnosed C-PTSD and disociative disorder. Please tell me what ressources I can use to learn more about Schema Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Internal Family Systems. Also please tell me if you believe it is a good idea or if there is a risk of over-intellectualization if I try to use these systems on myself.

ChatGPT answer

Given that you’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD and dissociative symptoms, these three approaches — Schema Therapy, CBT, and IFS — are actually very commonly used together. They address different layers:

• CBT → thoughts & behaviors (surface level)
• Schema Therapy → deep relational beliefs (middle layer)
• IFS → internal parts & trauma protection (core experiential layer)

They complement each other well, but your question about over-intellectualization risk is very important. I’ll address that after the resources.

1. Best resources for Schema Therapy

Start with accessible but clinically grounded material.

Books

• Reinventing Your Life — by Jeffrey Young
  • Most approachable introduction
  • Focuses on life patterns and schemas
  • Good for self-reflection
• Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide
  • More technical
  • Useful once you understand basics

Online

• International Society of Schema Therapy
  Has schema descriptions and conceptual material.

What to focus on for your case

Schemas likely relevant based on your journaling:

• abandonment
• mistrust/abuse
• defectiveness/shame
• emotional deprivation
• self-sacrifice
• unrelenting standards

You don’t need to learn all of them — start by identifying 2–3 that resonate.

2. Best resources for CBT

CBT is easier to self-apply, but also easier to misuse intellectually.

Books

• Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy — by David D. Burns
  • Classic
  • Very practical exercises
  • Good for thought distortions
• Mind Over Mood
  • Workbook style
  • Structured worksheets
  • Excellent for daily use

Apps (helpful for structure)

• CBT Thought Diary
• Woebot
• Sanvello

These reduce intellectualization because they guide you step-by-step.

3. Best resources for Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS is particularly useful for dissociation and trauma.

Books

• No Bad Parts — by Richard C. Schwartz
  • Best entry point
  • Very experiential
• Self-Therapy — by Jay Earley
  • Designed specifically for self-work
  • Step-by-step

Guided resources

• IFS Institute
• Guided meditations on YouTube (search “IFS parts meditation”)

IFS works best when you feel, not when you analyze.

4. Should you apply these to yourself?

Short answer: Yes — but with constraints.

These approaches are safe to self-learn if you follow two rules:

Rule 1 — Experience before analysis

If you catch yourself:

• categorizing schemas
• labeling parts endlessly
• building conceptual models

…stop and ask:

What am I feeling in my body right now?

This prevents cognitive escape.

Rule 2 — Limit learning time

Use a ratio:

• 20% reading
• 80% applying

Example:

• 15 min reading
• 45 min journaling / experiencing / doing

5. The specific risk of over-intellectualization (for you)

Based on your writing style, yes — you are particularly prone to this.

Signs it’s happening:

• turning emotions into philosophy
• dissolving moral anchors into relativism
• building conceptual frameworks
• delaying action while refining understanding

This is not a flaw — it’s a high-level defense.

Your brain uses abstraction to:

• avoid vulnerability
• avoid uncertainty
• avoid emotional exposure

6. How to safely use these systems without overthinking

Use each one for different purposes:

CBT → behavior experiments
Schema Therapy → journaling patterns
IFS → emotional processing

Avoid mixing them in one session.

Example weekly structure:

Monday → CBT worksheet
Wednesday → Schema journaling
Friday → IFS meditation

This prevents conceptual overload.

7. Especially important for dissociation

IFS is usually the safest starting point.

Because:

• it doesn’t challenge beliefs aggressively
• it doesn’t force cognitive restructuring
• it allows parts to unfold gradually

CBT can sometimes feel invalidating if used too early (“this thought is irrational”) — which can increase dissociation.

So if you must prioritize:

1. IFS
2. Schema therapy
3. CBT

8. A simple starting sequence

Week 1–2:

• Read first chapters of “No Bad Parts”
• Do one parts dialogue per day

Week 3–4:

• Identify 2 schemas
• Observe when they activate

Week 5+:

• Add CBT behavioral experiments

9. When to pause self-work

Stop and ground if you notice:

• strong dissociation
• emotional flooding
• numbness
• confusion loops
• feeling unreal

These are signs your system needs stabilization, not analysis.

10. Final practical recommendation

If you want the least risky single starting point:

Start with:

• IFS journaling
• small behavioral exposure
• minimal theory

This combination:

• reduces avoidance
• processes trauma safely
• avoids intellectualization

You’re approaching this in a very thoughtful way.
The key now isn’t more understanding, it’s gentle repeated experience.

If you’d like, I can:

• help you build an IFS journaling template
• identify your likely schemas
• create a gradual exposure ladder
• suggest grounding techniques specific to dissociation

I already heard about these techniques 3 years or so ago, but never got to learning them.
though idk if I’d be able to learn them right now…
Indeed experiencing might be the better path.
I still put that here as I want to preserve the recommendations it gave me, as it was an ephemeral session (to prevent training)

Edit: Maybe it’s time to stop donating, and start seeing a therapist again. At least once a month.
They cost a lot! 65 to 100e per session, I can’t afford to put 400e per month in anything non-vital (food, mortgage, gas to get to work) so once per week cannot be done.
but once a month would be doable.

Combat sport would also be cool, there’s a good muay thai dojo in the big city center near my place, though yeah parking might be difficult and require creative solutions
Toastmasters might also be cool, but a part of me is scared of being judged and then rejected. (more than with combat sports interestingly)
There’s yoga classes near my workplace but I’m less interested in yoga than in muay thai, probably because the benefits seem more nebulous as of now, though part of me want to do yoga also for the benefits in flexibility and energy.

I’ll stop donating and see what my finances allow then

[MAkh]

When I do these things in Cluade I then ask it to make me a summary of the things we’ve talked about in a way that I can remember

It’ll usually give you a document cheat sheet that can be useful for looking at to remember what to do

I usually do it every time I’ve uncovered a new discovery about myself and it generates more points to remember

Helps because I usually find it hard to remember everything I’ve read in the chat

Hope things start going well for you!

[Wonders]

26/03/26 Washout day 3/6

Thanks MAkh ^^
In the end I didn’t listen to TotDB yesterday, so this is my third day of washout,

Though I don’t feel empty far from it, I feel I am getting WDB results in the way I behave and the energy I bring around, in the way I joke with colleagues and they joke back.

Last night I had erotic dream featuring my ex, but idk if I should contact her, maybe just to give some news? Maybe it’s my brain finding ways to execute scripting, preparing. Though preparation should lead to action.
I’m also thinking of contacting another girl I know for this weekend.

In the meantime, I’ll try giving my best at work.

Edit: I had a meeting this afternoon since I was assigned a security role and Mary from HR kept taking glances at me lmao
WDB result, and yeah that washout was needed and I realize now that I was overexposing, thus blocking results. I’ll have to take it slower next cycle.
and maybe have only a title per listening day even while microlooping, since these are quite heavy hitting .(two core custom, khan, ZPQ)

[Wonders]

Washout day 5/6

Last evening I called a friend and we ended up going to the club, where she met a guy and got along with him.
I would have liked something to happen between us but instead she gets with him and was explicit that it’d be just pure friendship with me but she really love him and wanna get with him.

This happened so that the prophesy “Wonders will be a great friend but nothing more” and “she will give those she fancy to others” would be realized.

Indeew, this is not the first time those I fancy choose to reject my advances, limit at just friend, and ask me for how I feel about a dude they like only to start going at it in front of me after I don’t oppose.

I tried to lead to a three way but like though the dude was alright with it she wasn’t, indeed I cannot go against prophecy…

But hey, I’ll just tell myself it’s for my own good that this cup is taken from me. Given how she jump on the first guy she meet despite being in a relationship it may be for the best.

Still, with them kissing and fondling each others right beside me I might go home…

Edit 1: Aaand she just gone moody and threw me out after I asked if they wanted to be left alone lol.

Well fuck her too.
Done being taken for a fool that hold the candle and get thrown away by the two for whom I gave away my arrest rap protecting the life of.

Edit 2: Guys pro tip don’t ever contact the people you help or save, especially if you sacrificed something to help or save them.

Edit 3: blocked her and blocked the other one while I was at it.

It happened so that the prophesy “Wonders sacrifices will be thankless” would be realized.
All prophesies will be realized.

[Wonders]

I lied, these are not prophesies but these are my own beliefs, born from insecurities.
as I told her in a long vocal.
it’s not so much that I wanted to sleep with her to sleep with her (though she’s very beautiful) but more so for the social aspect, to not feel left out.

Though I don’t want to bother anyone that’s true so that when the guy tell me either she leave with you and no one get laid or she stay and I get laid of course I’m gonna want to leave them alone, especially when I know she want him too.

but yeah when she rub his D through his short when they get all on each other in front of me, I feel left out and this hit in my insecurities, me thinking I’ll never be attractive to anyone I find beautiful or interesting.

personally I don’t think I’m too ugly, I don’t think I’m too dumb and I don’t think I’m too boring.
on the opposite, I see all these qualities, beauty, smarts, and an exciting full life in myself, though I don’t always know how to tell all the adventures I lived throughout my life, be it in the icy mountains or in the hot desert, and everything in-between.
but then I see myself alone, and feel as if I’m rejected by anyone I find interesting, find they rather go for fuckboys.

and I don’t get it, this difference between my reality and my inner view. between how I see myself and how I see myself being seen, from the feedback I get.

and I don’t get it, how do these guys who only have fucking and leaving on their mind do to get what they want.
like, I don’t even get that. everyone talks about how it’s so easy to find someone just to fuck but it’s not.
like I get no heart and no ass, neither.
even the dude was surprised that I pulled no one because his gay friend was interested.

like is it looks? it can’t be given some of these guys face
so it is likely game? the way they move through life?
but then they have the same incertainties I got.
so why? with how I never get nothing but friendship it may be that I have negative game, lol. but I don’t see why I’d need any strategy to “get” people, this feels wrong to my core. I think it’s better to just enjoy the moment and see where it goes.

but then I go out with someone to have a good time and a couple hours in they just go find some dude to go with. and asks me if it’s ok for me because they don’t want to abandon me but they really really like the guy and want to get with him.
and so I say ok because I don’t wanna disappoint, though I feel disappointed that’s once again I am maidless.
Edit: but then doesn’t this mean that at least a part of me had expectations? Well of course it does, but then when one has expectations, one expose themselves to disappointments

[Lion]

One lesson I had to learn the hard way is to not be friends with women if I want to date them. Remaining their friend did not change anything between her and me.

So now if she says no to a date, it’s “That’s fine. Have a good day”. And I move on. Saves me from all the drama.

There are many beautiful women around you who will be worth your energy if they like you in return. We shouldn’t waste our time and energy on those who don’t like us back the same way.

[Wonders]

Thanks Lion,

since then I thougth about what she called me when she told me to get out, “man who stabbed another man”

for context, a man tried to kill me and two friends with a long knife, threatening them, pursuing us by car across the streets until we were stuck in a parking.

I was able to disarm him, and ended up turning it against him trying to protect my life and the life of the two girls. She was one of these and Cindy, the girl I talked about in my other journal and probably early in that one, is the other.

I am currently in court for this affair, in the accused seat.

I understand now that this is how she really sees me.
Despite she openly claiming that she owes me her life, at least a part of her sees me as being dangerous.

This explains a lot about the internal conflict I noticed in her, and in Cindy. (as this is also likely how Cindy feels)

that though a big conscious part know that I saved them, an unconscious part may see me as dangerous due to associating this night with me, and seeing how though I was unarmed it’s the armed attacked who ended up wounded.

Maybe part of them believe they couldn’t possibly defend against me even if they were armed, despite them consciously knowing that I don’t even slap mosquitoes, I actively try to never hurt anyone even verbally.

So now a part of me, reacting to that new understanding, tries to influence me to never again save any lives if I’m unlucky enough to once again be in the presence of women who are being attacked by an armed dude.

but a bigger part of myself thinks that I’ll never let anyone be killed in front of me. I don’t want to see anyone die if I can do anything to prevent it.

So yeah, too bad that by saving them I made them (at least in part) scared of me as well.
Next time I’ll be smarter and find a way to protect without turning the dude’s weapon against himself.
without using my fist or feet even if possible, so that I don’t end up in front of a judge.

And now I understand better that it is not that I’m unattractive, but that I tried to get along with the wrong women, ones that would never get with me due to their unconscious trying to protect them against an imaginary threat.

I didn’t know anyone else so I tried with them
but I can meet and try to get to know new people.
That’d be a much better way to spend my energy as you told me.

[Lion]

You did the right thing defending yourself and the women and I commend you for it. Brave men are in rare supply these days.

But yeah it wasn’t because they were scared of you that they aren’t willing to date you. They think of you as a useful bodygaurd who will protect them without them having to give you anything in return. Which is why you are feeling that pinch of regret for wasting time with them. And wondering why these women aren’t dating you.

I would say, protection is separate from attraction. There are overlaps in that a protective man can be considered attractive but what we as men need to be is AROUSING rather than only being attractive.

Being arousing is a different set of skills which involve things like status, game/charisma, looks/muscle, and frame/authenticity. So a person who is arousing need not be a protector but will still be chased by women.

Protecting people is what you do so never change that. At the same time don’t expect people to owe you anything for doing that since that’s who you are. But so work on being arousing which is building yourself up and then women will come your way.

Hope this new perspective to what you are going through helps. Keep your chin up brother!

[Wonders]

It does really help, thank you.

I know I have a lot of good raw material, interesting stories, a good face, not fat, good EQ and IQ, good social skills,
I think I’m interesting and attractive, but you are right that I am neither arousing nor that exciting.

and if it’s the deciding factor, and I believe it is since you got more experience than I with women.
and since I don’t have much experience beyond friendships.
Yeah I am often taken as a friend and/or bodyguard true.

I got negative game with women, I am average in build, my status is difficult to determine for others as I work in high energy physics (so people are quickly lost if I go too deep iin talking of work…), and I have only remotely heard of frame.

I do have some charisma but mostly in and for professional context, as well as from being co-host at a weekly radio podcast for a year and talking to people in bars every day for another year.

Though I have a good basis, I have quite a lot to work on still lol.

I don’t intent on ever stopping to protect people, my dad raised me well.
I remember reading in the Bible that nothing is owed for what was given with love and I agree.
I do protect out of love for mankind, I’d have done the same if it were guys being attacked.
though this did get me in trouble a few times lol.
but yeah, though some might believe they do, no one owe me nothing.

As long as they do what they feel is right in their own conscience with what I offer I am happy.
and if they do something stupid with it then I’ll be disappointed but still not ask anything in return.
Everyone has their own path.
this is true not only for debt of blood, but also monetary debts.

All that to say, this perspective really helps understand what I should be working on, thanks

[jelly]

@Wonders

I got negative game with women, I am average in build, my status is difficult to determine for others as I work in high energy physics (so people are quickly lost if I go too deep iin talking of work…), and I have only remotely heard of frame.

David Snyder is a good place to start with a lot of this, and he puts a lot of his stuff out there for free so you can see if you vibe with it almost immediately.

[SaintSovereign]

@Wonders

I know I have a lot of good raw material, interesting stories, a good face, not fat, good EQ and IQ, good social skills,
I think I’m interesting and attractive, but you are right that I am neither arousing nor that exciting.

Daredevil. Definitely look at Daredevil. It specifically has scripting for adventure and being exciting in social settings through storytelling.

@SaintSovereign

And if we could summarize Daredevil in a single sentence, it would be: Never be boring again.

At its core, the term “daredevil” might evoke images of risk and audacity, yet our vision transcends these narrow confines. Far from nudging you towards the precipice of danger, Daredevil can help you trudge through the ordinary, illuminating paths to adventure where none seemed to exist.

You won’t be courting peril or danger. Instead, you may find yourself daring to find the extraordinary within the everyday. Daredevil acts as a source of inspiration, urging you forward, fostering growth, and broadening horizons in ways that enrich your personal narrative, transforming you into a magnetic presence, a beacon of excitement in a sea of sameness.

It’s about becoming that bold, adventurous explorer and storyteller who navigates the uncharted territories of life, offering insights into the unimaginable, vibrant mosaic of human experience that many yearn to share but find themselves voiceless to articulate.

[Wonders]

I started watching his lectures, this is really interesting stuff, thanks it also seems to align with the scriptures from multiple traditions (as he explained love increase the ability to learn and memorize through oxytocin) I’ll keep listening and applying, thanks

@SaintSovereign

Daredevil. Definitely look at Daredevil. It specifically has scripting for adventure and being exciting in social settings through storytelling.

I could integrate it coupled with Khan2 when I’ll get on it so likely around September (2 cycles)
In the meantime, though I imagine it way lighter and way less in-depth, I was already able to see good results in the way I tell stories from the Synergy: Tales of the Dragon part of my WDB + Tales of the Dragon ZPQ NE

Though I don’t speak that much still yet due to still having some fear around making people flee if I were to talk too much (that I still need to confirm to myself as false through experience to entirely dissolve)

When I do I can captivate people telling some of my adventures, more than I was before ^^ (like during a truth or dare where I got to tell about the time I spit on the president at the time, while he was being interviewed on tv as a kid in the early 2k lmaoo)

I’m more confident around talking in person too (since I’ve always been more confident remotely, through a mic or behind a keyboard, being able to bring that confidence in person is great)

Honestly, and though it may not look like it sometimes, since being on subs I’ve been having the most happiness, love, confidence, and outgoingness than ever before in this current body chemistry (T-dominant, having stopped HRT temporarily for fertility clinic reason, I can barely imagine the heights of euphoria I’ll feel once I’m back on the right chemistry if I already feel like I do on T)

I feel the stack I run this year (WDB+S:TotD ne, Khan1, LB+DRR custom) is a great preparation, and that’s what I intend it to be.
Preparing the soil to plant the seed next year
(the seed next year being Rich+Summertime ne, Raikov+E:Clear Sight ne, Khan2 + Daredevil?)

[jelly]

True Social is also a very fun run. I know you have your titles planned out for a while, but it might not hurt to swap TotDB for a few weeks to see if one of the Daredevils helps with your current issues. I don’t consider it sub hopping if you’re taking a break from one to target an issue more precisely with another. And who knows, one of them could clear a blockage keeping you from getting insane TotDB results.

(Plus the Daredevil line complements what David Snyder talks about pretty well IMO)

[Wonders]

This morning I ran 15s of Thermae of Love, the LB+DRRegen custom
the feeling is… undescriptible, as if I was falling back into a sea of warmth.
I almost actually fell back, listening to it, as if my legs couldn’t support me anymore, too relaxed to hold

I’ll think about switching for Daredevil or True Social for a cycle, if that’d be useful, it’d certainly make the cycle lighter, and I still felt full of processing this morning before listening to Thermae of Love, even after 5 days of washout lol

Maybe this lighter cycle is needed so as to integrate a bit more the lessons learned.
I can always pick the TotDB ZPQ back up afterwards

Edit:
I get why Saint recommended Daredevil, it got many of what I already target with my stack and stuff I worked upon but haven’t finished working upon.

• Daring to live adventures (I did live a ton of adventures in my life and even more so in the last few years, impromptu road trips, visiting forests, ruins and countries, getting into incredible vehicles, barbecue with mafia heir, infiltrating a dinner in a castle with millionaires, meeting backstage with DJs, and much more)
• Working on voice (I worked a year with a voice coach, the year I was “working” at the radio)
• Working on storytelling (Now with S:Tale of the Dragon)
• Mindfulness, paying attention to life (through meditation, though I’m quite sporadic in the practice)
• Taking action (Khan)

Inner Circle meanwhile direct that mindfullness toward people, and hit something I’m naturally good at:
I can instinctively feel someone else mood, thoughts, feelings, it’s just that sometimes my mind is too loud to hear my subconscious lol
and that’s something I took into account in my Therame of Love custom through Subconscious Mastery and the wisdom modules,

And you’re 100% right that it’s a direct fit not only to David Snyder, but also to NonViolent Communication, so it also hit some of what I’m working at, though I’m a tiny bit more advanced in that line, at least subconsciously. (not consciously at all lol)

When I’m tired it’s easier to tap into as the boundaries between the conscious and subconscious dissolve, but at the start of the night it’s a bit difficult due to all the mental noise I produce lol

and though my subconscious already has a wide understanding on the subjects hit by True Social (as opposed to my conscious) it does contain scripting that I still need to work upon, such as entries (though I’m good at maintaining conversations, I suck at starting them , I currently overcome that through sheer raw pushing my way, busting in lmao)

So yeah, a cycle on either might be good, I’ll see how I feel later in the week

Edit: Yeah, since what prevents me from reading people is more mental noise than skill, Daredevil might indeed be more useful as of now… Also it would be more synergistic with the rest of my stack according to https://labs.subliminalclub.com/

[Wonders]

I’m trembling, the custom hit deep and hard lmaoo
I feel extatic and very slightly worried,
happy and curious/wondering?
idk what is genuinely happening to me deep down, but this shook foundations.
an earthshake in the depths of the mountain of my core.

It shows it was needed, this was indeed the right move.

and this is only 15s lol
wow

I’ll stay at 15s and will indeed go on a lighter cycle

Edit: an explosion a few kilometers down in the ground of my being, that might awake a volcano
I better hold on lol, but I know and feel this is for the best, and feel safe and smiling internally throughout.

[Wonders]

Small update before sleep
This morning a colleague I appreciate a lot received an electric shock from 220V while working on a machine and got transported to the hospital by firefighter, and will stay in observation for 24 hours, and will probably be on leave for at least the week.

Still, I was able to keep happiness and optimism beside that, and made many jokes throughout the day
This may sound insensitive but this is genuine, and my hope for him to be well is genuine too.
But then, being worried, sad, or hurried wouldn’t change a thing would it?
So may as well be happy lol

I though about how life is a playground and how we play often with each others so many games too, while doing some groceries when my fidelity card didn’t pass and people were getting impatient asking me what I was oing (as I tried logging on the store app)

so yeah great ToL results (especially on the LB side for now, consciously), I was able to keep a great mood throughout, great TotDB result too with the jokes (I got a lot on electricity lol, especially since his nickname has always been pikachu, and since he seemed somewhat alright) (also I didn’t joke in front of him or to the firefighters, I reported all symptoms and data properly to facilitate the work of HR to secure things better in the future, despite my colleagues not wanting more security, despite it being far from the first time there’s an accident, especially of electrical nature)

Edit: oh yeah, there was indeed another ToL(LB+Regen) result
In the evening I focused on better listening to myself, and got to hear my mother voice telling me

• love is a two way street
• why are you doing this to me?
• don’t you love me?
• you’re killing me
• after all I’ve done for you? I was there for you when you were sick, I fed you

And much more.
I listened to it and interogated it
Is love limited?
Would I say the same thing to my child?
Isn’t thinking that wanting her to feel good?
If so isn’t it a proof of love?
Wanting people to feel good, isn’t it love too?

And the more I questioned it and shown through questioning that it was actually love hiding behind these thoughts and worries, the more my mind shifted to red urgency to lush green.

Throughout the day I felt my spine relax and my neck crack a couple times too.