Tale of the Dreamy Khan: Thermae of Love - a Wonders-full story

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#86

I feel a bit overwhelmed and woozy, and I haven’t even listened yet, though it’s the middle of the afternoon.
I received a message from the teacher of a formation I subscribed too but never joined trying to reconnect.
I fled that too, finding excuse in work hours, though I aren’t very productive at work.

I actually asked ChatGPT what it thought of my last two journal entries:

Based on these two journal entries, what would be the best way for me to process my feelings:

[there I put both journal entries]

I feel turmoil inside of me and I don’t know how to manage it. Please give advice that I could apply in real life to manage and overcome.

ChatGPT answer

What you wrote shows something important: you’re already doing deep introspection. You’re identifying mechanisms (avoidance, self-sabotage, guilt, trauma protection), questioning beliefs, and trying to reconcile contradictions. The turmoil you feel isn’t random — it’s the friction between protective patterns and desired growth. That friction is uncomfortable but also a sign of movement.

Below is a structured way to process these feelings in practice, not just conceptually.

1. First: name what’s actually happening internally

From your entries, three layers are interacting:

Layer A — Trauma-based protection

  • Fear of betrayal and abandonment
  • Avoidance of social exposure
  • Associating “connection” with danger
  • Dissociation and excuse generation

This aligns closely with mechanisms seen in Post-traumatic stress disorder (even without diagnosing — just the pattern).

Layer B — Self-worth conflict

  • “I don’t deserve good things”
  • Choosing harmful dynamics to confirm beliefs
  • Procrastination tied to self-denial

This reflects maladaptive schemas often discussed in Schema Therapy.

Layer C — Over-intellectualization

  • Philosophical reasoning about morality
  • Dissolving judgement into relativism
  • Turning emotional conflict into abstract reasoning

This is a common coping strategy: it keeps you safe from feeling by thinking.

:point_right: The turmoil is not confusion — it’s these three systems competing.

2. You don’t need to “fight” or “accept” — you need to differentiate

You asked:

“Do I fight it? Or accept it?”

The practical answer: Do both, but at different levels.

  • Accept the emotion
  • Challenge the behavior
  • Update the belief

That’s the core mechanism used in Cognitive behavioral therapy.

Example with your case:

Emotion:
“I am scared of being rejected” → Acceptable, valid.

Behavior:
“I stay home and avoid everything” → Needs gentle challenge.

Belief:
“Connection leads to pain” → Needs gradual updating.

3. A concrete daily processing method (10–15 minutes)

Use this structured loop:

Step 1 — Externalize the protector

Write:

  • “A part of me is afraid that…”
  • “This part tries to protect me by…”

Example:

A part of me is afraid I will be betrayed again.
It protects me by making me stay home.

This comes from Internal Family Systems.

Why this works:

  • You stop identifying with the fear
  • You see it as a protective sub-system
  • You reduce internal war

Step 2 — Thank it (seriously)

Write one sentence:

Thank you for trying to protect me.

This sounds trivial but neurologically reduces threat signaling.

Your brain learns: “I’m not suppressing the fear → I’m safe.”

Step 3 — Offer a smaller action

Not “go make friends”.

Instead:

  • Walk in the city for 20 minutes
  • Sit in a café with headphones
  • Join a sports class but leave anytime

Your protector allows graded exposure, not sudden leaps.

This aligns with Exposure therapy.

4. Your “I don’t deserve good things” belief

This is central. It creates:

  • avoidance
  • procrastination
  • harmful relationship choices
  • self-sabotage

You don’t change this by logic (you already tried).
You change it by contradictory lived experience.

Concrete exercise:
Every day do one small act that improves your life, and say:

I am allowing myself this.

Examples:

  • Clean one surface
  • Buy good food
  • Rearrange your space
  • Go somewhere pleasant

The key is permission, not productivity.

5. Your philosophical reasoning loop

You wrote:

  • judging is impossible
  • good/bad is relative
  • destruction is transformation

This is intellectually valid — but emotionally destabilizing.

When everything becomes relative, your mind loses anchors → anxiety increases.

You need operational values, not absolute metaphysics.

Instead of:
“good vs bad”

Use:

  • Does this reduce suffering?
  • Does this increase growth?
  • Does this move me toward connection?

This converts philosophy into actionable guidance.

6. Your avoidance mechanism in real time

When you notice:

  • “I’m too tired”
  • “Parking is annoying”
  • “What would I even do?”

Say internally:

This is my protector trying to keep me safe.

Then choose one tiny exposure.

Not:
“go to a club”

But:

  • drive to the city and leave
  • walk 10 minutes
  • sit and drink something

You are training your nervous system, not your social skills.

7. Very important: you don’t need to feel ready

You wrote:

Why am I scared of doing what I know would bring joy?

Because your nervous system doesn’t trust your cognition yet.

Healing sequence:

  1. Do small safe exposures
  2. Brain updates prediction
  3. Fear reduces
  4. Motivation appears

Not the other way around.

8. A weekly practical plan

You could try:

Daily

  • 10 min journaling (protector dialogue)
  • 1 small self-kindness act

3x per week

  • Leave home intentionally (even briefly)

1x per week

  • Structured social exposure (sport, class, group)

You mentioned combat sports — excellent idea:

  • predictable environment
  • clear roles
  • gradual familiarity
  • embodied confidence

9. The core reframe

Your mind is not your enemy.

It is still trying to protect you using outdated data.

You don’t need to destroy the “skin” as you wrote.
You need to grow a new one underneath until the old one falls away.

That happens through:

  • repetition
  • small risks
  • self-permission
  • safe experiences

10. When turmoil spikes — quick grounding

Use this 60-second reset:

  1. Look around, name 5 objects
  2. Feel feet on ground
  3. Slow exhale for 6 seconds
  4. Say internally:

I am safe right now

This reduces dissociation and emotional flooding.

11. One last observation

Your entries show:

  • self-awareness
  • moral reflection
  • emotional depth
  • desire for growth
  • empathy

These are not traits of someone “doomed socially”.
They are traits that, once safe, tend to attract healthy relationships.

Your main task is not “becoming someone else” —
it’s making your nervous system believe connection is safe again.

If you want, I can also:

  • help you design a step-by-step exposure ladder
  • suggest ways to meet people safely
  • help you restructure your journaling into a framework
  • or analyze patterns in future entries

You’re already doing the hardest part: looking directly at what’s inside.

This is spot on as I got diagnosed C-PTSD and disociative disorder. Please tell me what ressources I can use to learn more about Schema Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Internal Family Systems. Also please tell me if you believe it is a good idea or if there is a risk of over-intellectualization if I try to use these systems on myself.

ChatGPT answer

Given that you’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD and dissociative symptoms, these three approaches — Schema Therapy, CBT, and IFS — are actually very commonly used together. They address different layers:

  • CBT → thoughts & behaviors (surface level)
  • Schema Therapy → deep relational beliefs (middle layer)
  • IFS → internal parts & trauma protection (core experiential layer)

They complement each other well, but your question about over-intellectualization risk is very important. I’ll address that after the resources.

1. Best resources for Schema Therapy

Start with accessible but clinically grounded material.

Books

  • Reinventing Your Life — by Jeffrey Young
    • Most approachable introduction
    • Focuses on life patterns and schemas
    • Good for self-reflection
  • Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide
    • More technical
    • Useful once you understand basics

Online

  • International Society of Schema Therapy
    Has schema descriptions and conceptual material.

What to focus on for your case

Schemas likely relevant based on your journaling:

  • abandonment
  • mistrust/abuse
  • defectiveness/shame
  • emotional deprivation
  • self-sacrifice
  • unrelenting standards

You don’t need to learn all of them — start by identifying 2–3 that resonate.

2. Best resources for CBT

CBT is easier to self-apply, but also easier to misuse intellectually.

Books

  • Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy — by David D. Burns
    • Classic
    • Very practical exercises
    • Good for thought distortions
  • Mind Over Mood
    • Workbook style
    • Structured worksheets
    • Excellent for daily use

Apps (helpful for structure)

  • CBT Thought Diary
  • Woebot
  • Sanvello

These reduce intellectualization because they guide you step-by-step.

3. Best resources for Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS is particularly useful for dissociation and trauma.

Books

  • No Bad Parts — by Richard C. Schwartz
    • Best entry point
    • Very experiential
  • Self-Therapy — by Jay Earley
    • Designed specifically for self-work
    • Step-by-step

Guided resources

  • IFS Institute
  • Guided meditations on YouTube (search “IFS parts meditation”)

IFS works best when you feel, not when you analyze.

4. Should you apply these to yourself?

Short answer: Yes — but with constraints.

These approaches are safe to self-learn if you follow two rules:

Rule 1 — Experience before analysis

If you catch yourself:

  • categorizing schemas
  • labeling parts endlessly
  • building conceptual models

…stop and ask:

What am I feeling in my body right now?

This prevents cognitive escape.

Rule 2 — Limit learning time

Use a ratio:

  • 20% reading
  • 80% applying

Example:

  • 15 min reading
  • 45 min journaling / experiencing / doing

5. The specific risk of over-intellectualization (for you)

Based on your writing style, yes — you are particularly prone to this.

Signs it’s happening:

  • turning emotions into philosophy
  • dissolving moral anchors into relativism
  • building conceptual frameworks
  • delaying action while refining understanding

This is not a flaw — it’s a high-level defense.

Your brain uses abstraction to:

  • avoid vulnerability
  • avoid uncertainty
  • avoid emotional exposure

6. How to safely use these systems without overthinking

Use each one for different purposes:

CBT → behavior experiments
Schema Therapy → journaling patterns
IFS → emotional processing

Avoid mixing them in one session.

Example weekly structure:

Monday → CBT worksheet
Wednesday → Schema journaling
Friday → IFS meditation

This prevents conceptual overload.

7. Especially important for dissociation

IFS is usually the safest starting point.

Because:

  • it doesn’t challenge beliefs aggressively
  • it doesn’t force cognitive restructuring
  • it allows parts to unfold gradually

CBT can sometimes feel invalidating if used too early (“this thought is irrational”) — which can increase dissociation.

So if you must prioritize:

  1. IFS
  2. Schema therapy
  3. CBT

8. A simple starting sequence

Week 1–2:

  • Read first chapters of “No Bad Parts”
  • Do one parts dialogue per day

Week 3–4:

  • Identify 2 schemas
  • Observe when they activate

Week 5+:

  • Add CBT behavioral experiments

9. When to pause self-work

Stop and ground if you notice:

  • strong dissociation
  • emotional flooding
  • numbness
  • confusion loops
  • feeling unreal

These are signs your system needs stabilization, not analysis.

10. Final practical recommendation

If you want the least risky single starting point:

Start with:

  • IFS journaling
  • small behavioral exposure
  • minimal theory

This combination:

  • reduces avoidance
  • processes trauma safely
  • avoids intellectualization

You’re approaching this in a very thoughtful way.
The key now isn’t more understanding, it’s gentle repeated experience.

If you’d like, I can:

  • help you build an IFS journaling template
  • identify your likely schemas
  • create a gradual exposure ladder
  • suggest grounding techniques specific to dissociation

I already heard about these techniques 3 years or so ago, but never got to learning them.
though idk if I’d be able to learn them right now…
Indeed experiencing might be the better path.
I still put that here as I want to preserve the recommendations it gave me, as it was an ephemeral session (to prevent training)

Edit: Maybe it’s time to stop donating, and start seeing a therapist again. At least once a month.
They cost a lot! 65 to 100e per session, I can’t afford to put 400e per month in anything non-vital (food, mortgage, gas to get to work) so once per week cannot be done.
but once a month would be doable.

Combat sport would also be cool, there’s a good muay thai dojo in the big city center near my place, though yeah parking might be difficult and require creative solutions
Toastmasters might also be cool, but a part of me is scared of being judged and then rejected. (more than with combat sports interestingly)
There’s yoga classes near my workplace but I’m less interested in yoga than in muay thai, probably because the benefits seem more nebulous as of now, though part of me want to do yoga also for the benefits in flexibility and energy.

I’ll stop donating and see what my finances allow then

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#87

When I do these things in Cluade I then ask it to make me a summary of the things we’ve talked about in a way that I can remember

It’ll usually give you a document cheat sheet that can be useful for looking at to remember what to do

I usually do it every time I’ve uncovered a new discovery about myself and it generates more points to remember

Helps because I usually find it hard to remember everything I’ve read in the chat

Hope things start going well for you!

2 Likes
#88

26/03/26 Washout day 3/6

Thanks MAkh ^^
In the end I didn’t listen to TotDB yesterday, so this is my third day of washout,

Though I don’t feel empty far from it, I feel I am getting WDB results in the way I behave and the energy I bring around, in the way I joke with colleagues and they joke back.

Last night I had erotic dream featuring my ex, but idk if I should contact her, maybe just to give some news? Maybe it’s my brain finding ways to execute scripting, preparing. Though preparation should lead to action.
I’m also thinking of contacting another girl I know for this weekend.

In the meantime, I’ll try giving my best at work.

Edit: I had a meeting this afternoon since I was assigned a security role and Mary from HR kept taking glances at me lmao
WDB result, and yeah that washout was needed and I realize now that I was overexposing, thus blocking results. I’ll have to take it slower next cycle.
and maybe have only a title per listening day even while microlooping, since these are quite heavy hitting .(two core custom, khan, ZPQ)

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#89

Washout day 5/6

Last evening I called a friend and we ended up going to the club, where she met a guy and got along with him.
I would have liked something to happen between us but instead she gets with him and was explicit that it’d be just pure friendship with me but she really love him and wanna get with him.

This happened so that the prophesy “Wonders will be a great friend but nothing more” and “she will give those she fancy to others” would be realized.

Indeew, this is not the first time those I fancy choose to reject my advances, limit at just friend, and ask me for how I feel about a dude they like only to start going at it in front of me after I don’t oppose.

I tried to lead to a three way but like though the dude was alright with it she wasn’t, indeed I cannot go against prophecy…

But hey, I’ll just tell myself it’s for my own good that this cup is taken from me. Given how she jump on the first guy she meet despite being in a relationship it may be for the best.

Still, with them kissing and fondling each others right beside me I might go home…

Edit 1: Aaand she just gone moody and threw me out after I asked if they wanted to be left alone lol.

Well fuck her too.
Done being taken for a fool that hold the candle and get thrown away by the two for whom I gave away my arrest rap protecting the life of.

Edit 2: Guys pro tip don’t ever contact the people you help or save, especially if you sacrificed something to help or save them.

Edit 3: blocked her and blocked the other one while I was at it.

It happened so that the prophesy “Wonders sacrifices will be thankless” would be realized.
All prophesies will be realized.

3 Likes
#90

I lied, these are not prophesies but these are my own beliefs, born from insecurities.
as I told her in a long vocal.
it’s not so much that I wanted to sleep with her to sleep with her (though she’s very beautiful) but more so for the social aspect, to not feel left out.

Though I don’t want to bother anyone that’s true so that when the guy tell me either she leave with you and no one get laid or she stay and I get laid of course I’m gonna want to leave them alone, especially when I know she want him too.

but yeah when she rub his D through his short when they get all on each other in front of me, I feel left out and this hit in my insecurities, me thinking I’ll never be attractive to anyone I find beautiful or interesting.

personally I don’t think I’m too ugly, I don’t think I’m too dumb and I don’t think I’m too boring.
on the opposite, I see all these qualities, beauty, smarts, and an exciting full life in myself, though I don’t always know how to tell all the adventures I lived throughout my life, be it in the icy mountains or in the hot desert, and everything in-between.
but then I see myself alone, and feel as if I’m rejected by anyone I find interesting, find they rather go for fuckboys.

and I don’t get it, this difference between my reality and my inner view. between how I see myself and how I see myself being seen, from the feedback I get.

and I don’t get it, how do these guys who only have fucking and leaving on their mind do to get what they want.
like, I don’t even get that. everyone talks about how it’s so easy to find someone just to fuck but it’s not.
like I get no heart and no ass, neither.
even the dude was surprised that I pulled no one because his gay friend was interested.

like is it looks? it can’t be given some of these guys face
so it is likely game? the way they move through life?
but then they have the same incertainties I got.
so why? with how I never get nothing but friendship it may be that I have negative game, lol. but I don’t see why I’d need any strategy to “get” people, this feels wrong to my core. I think it’s better to just enjoy the moment and see where it goes.

but then I go out with someone to have a good time and a couple hours in they just go find some dude to go with. and asks me if it’s ok for me because they don’t want to abandon me but they really really like the guy and want to get with him.
and so I say ok because I don’t wanna disappoint, though I feel disappointed that’s once again I am maidless.
Edit: but then doesn’t this mean that at least a part of me had expectations? Well of course it does, but then when one has expectations, one expose themselves to disappointments

2 Likes
#91

One lesson I had to learn the hard way is to not be friends with women if I want to date them. Remaining their friend did not change anything between her and me.

So now if she says no to a date, it’s “That’s fine. Have a good day”. And I move on. Saves me from all the drama.

There are many beautiful women around you who will be worth your energy if they like you in return. We shouldn’t waste our time and energy on those who don’t like us back the same way.

4 Likes
#92

Thanks Lion,

since then I thougth about what she called me when she told me to get out, “man who stabbed another man”

for context, a man tried to kill me and two friends with a long knife, threatening them, pursuing us by car across the streets until we were stuck in a parking.

I was able to disarm him, and ended up turning it against him trying to protect my life and the life of the two girls. She was one of these and Cindy, the girl I talked about in my other journal and probably early in that one, is the other.

I am currently in court for this affair, in the accused seat.

I understand now that this is how she really sees me.
Despite she openly claiming that she owes me her life, at least a part of her sees me as being dangerous.

This explains a lot about the internal conflict I noticed in her, and in Cindy. (as this is also likely how Cindy feels)

that though a big conscious part know that I saved them, an unconscious part may see me as dangerous due to associating this night with me, and seeing how though I was unarmed it’s the armed attacked who ended up wounded.

Maybe part of them believe they couldn’t possibly defend against me even if they were armed, despite them consciously knowing that I don’t even slap mosquitoes, I actively try to never hurt anyone even verbally.

So now a part of me, reacting to that new understanding, tries to influence me to never again save any lives if I’m unlucky enough to once again be in the presence of women who are being attacked by an armed dude.

but a bigger part of myself thinks that I’ll never let anyone be killed in front of me. I don’t want to see anyone die if I can do anything to prevent it.

So yeah, too bad that by saving them I made them (at least in part) scared of me as well.
Next time I’ll be smarter and find a way to protect without turning the dude’s weapon against himself.
without using my fist or feet even if possible, so that I don’t end up in front of a judge.

And now I understand better that it is not that I’m unattractive, but that I tried to get along with the wrong women, ones that would never get with me due to their unconscious trying to protect them against an imaginary threat.

I didn’t know anyone else so I tried with them
but I can meet and try to get to know new people.
That’d be a much better way to spend my energy as you told me.

3 Likes
#93

You did the right thing defending yourself and the women and I commend you for it. Brave men are in rare supply these days.

But yeah it wasn’t because they were scared of you that they aren’t willing to date you. They think of you as a useful bodygaurd who will protect them without them having to give you anything in return. Which is why you are feeling that pinch of regret for wasting time with them. And wondering why these women aren’t dating you.

I would say, protection is separate from attraction. There are overlaps in that a protective man can be considered attractive but what we as men need to be is AROUSING rather than only being attractive.

Being arousing is a different set of skills which involve things like status, game/charisma, looks/muscle, and frame/authenticity. So a person who is arousing need not be a protector but will still be chased by women.

Protecting people is what you do so never change that. At the same time don’t expect people to owe you anything for doing that since that’s who you are. But so work on being arousing which is building yourself up and then women will come your way.

Hope this new perspective to what you are going through helps. Keep your chin up brother!

5 Likes
#94

It does really help, thank you.

I know I have a lot of good raw material, interesting stories, a good face, not fat, good EQ and IQ, good social skills,
I think I’m interesting and attractive, but you are right that I am neither arousing nor that exciting.

and if it’s the deciding factor, and I believe it is since you got more experience than I with women.
and since I don’t have much experience beyond friendships.
Yeah I am often taken as a friend and/or bodyguard true.

I got negative game with women, I am average in build, my status is difficult to determine for others as I work in high energy physics (so people are quickly lost if I go too deep iin talking of work…), and I have only remotely heard of frame.

I do have some charisma but mostly in and for professional context, as well as from being co-host at a weekly radio podcast for a year and talking to people in bars every day for another year.

Though I have a good basis, I have quite a lot to work on still lol.

I don’t intent on ever stopping to protect people, my dad raised me well.
I remember reading in the Bible that nothing is owed for what was given with love and I agree.
I do protect out of love for mankind, I’d have done the same if it were guys being attacked.
though this did get me in trouble a few times lol.
but yeah, though some might believe they do, no one owe me nothing.

As long as they do what they feel is right in their own conscience with what I offer I am happy.
and if they do something stupid with it then I’ll be disappointed but still not ask anything in return.
Everyone has their own path.
this is true not only for debt of blood, but also monetary debts.

All that to say, this perspective really helps understand what I should be working on, thanks :slight_smile:

2 Likes
#95

David Snyder is a good place to start with a lot of this, and he puts a lot of his stuff out there for free so you can see if you vibe with it almost immediately.

2 Likes
#96

Daredevil. Definitely look at Daredevil. It specifically has scripting for adventure and being exciting in social settings through storytelling.

4 Likes
#97

I started watching his lectures, this is really interesting stuff, thanks :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: it also seems to align with the scriptures from multiple traditions (as he explained love increase the ability to learn and memorize through oxytocin) I’ll keep listening and applying, thanks :slight_smile:

I could integrate it coupled with Khan2 when I’ll get on it :thinking: so likely around September (2 cycles)
In the meantime, though I imagine it way lighter and way less in-depth, I was already able to see good results in the way I tell stories from the Synergy: Tales of the Dragon part of my WDB + Tales of the Dragon ZPQ NE :blush:

Though I don’t speak that much still yet due to still having some fear around making people flee if I were to talk too much (that I still need to confirm to myself as false through experience to entirely dissolve)

When I do I can captivate people telling some of my adventures, more than I was before ^^ (like during a truth or dare where I got to tell about the time I spit on the president at the time, while he was being interviewed on tv as a kid in the early 2k lmaoo)

I’m more confident around talking in person too (since I’ve always been more confident remotely, through a mic or behind a keyboard, being able to bring that confidence in person is great)

Honestly, and though it may not look like it sometimes, since being on subs I’ve been having the most happiness, love, confidence, and outgoingness than ever before in this current body chemistry (T-dominant, having stopped HRT temporarily for fertility clinic reason, I can barely imagine the heights of euphoria I’ll feel once I’m back on the right chemistry if I already feel like I do on T)

I feel the stack I run this year (WDB+S:TotD ne, Khan1, LB+DRR custom) is a great preparation, and that’s what I intend it to be.
Preparing the soil to plant the seed next year
(the seed next year being Rich+Summertime ne, Raikov+E:Clear Sight ne, Khan2 + Daredevil?)

2 Likes
#98

True Social is also a very fun run. I know you have your titles planned out for a while, but it might not hurt to swap TotDB for a few weeks to see if one of the Daredevils helps with your current issues. I don’t consider it sub hopping if you’re taking a break from one to target an issue more precisely with another. And who knows, one of them could clear a blockage keeping you from getting insane TotDB results.

(Plus the Daredevil line complements what David Snyder talks about pretty well IMO)

1 Like
#99

This morning I ran 15s of Thermae of Love, the LB+DRRegen custom
the feeling is… undescriptible, as if I was falling back into a sea of warmth.
I almost actually fell back, listening to it, as if my legs couldn’t support me anymore, too relaxed to hold

I’ll think about switching for Daredevil or True Social for a cycle, if that’d be useful, it’d certainly make the cycle lighter, and I still felt full of processing this morning before listening to Thermae of Love, even after 5 days of washout lol

Maybe this lighter cycle is needed so as to integrate a bit more the lessons learned.
I can always pick the TotDB ZPQ back up afterwards

Edit:
I get why Saint recommended Daredevil, it got many of what I already target with my stack and stuff I worked upon but haven’t finished working upon.

  • Daring to live adventures (I did live a ton of adventures in my life and even more so in the last few years, impromptu road trips, visiting forests, ruins and countries, getting into incredible vehicles, barbecue with mafia heir, infiltrating a dinner in a castle with millionaires, meeting backstage with DJs, and much more)
  • Working on voice (I worked a year with a voice coach, the year I was “working” at the radio)
  • Working on storytelling (Now with S:Tale of the Dragon)
  • Mindfulness, paying attention to life (through meditation, though I’m quite sporadic in the practice)
  • Taking action (Khan)

Inner Circle meanwhile direct that mindfullness toward people, and hit something I’m naturally good at:
I can instinctively feel someone else mood, thoughts, feelings, it’s just that sometimes my mind is too loud to hear my subconscious lol
and that’s something I took into account in my Therame of Love custom through Subconscious Mastery and the wisdom modules,

And you’re 100% right that it’s a direct fit not only to David Snyder, but also to NonViolent Communication, so it also hit some of what I’m working at, though I’m a tiny bit more advanced in that line, at least subconsciously. (not consciously at all lol)

When I’m tired it’s easier to tap into as the boundaries between the conscious and subconscious dissolve, but at the start of the night it’s a bit difficult due to all the mental noise I produce lol

and though my subconscious already has a wide understanding on the subjects hit by True Social (as opposed to my conscious) it does contain scripting that I still need to work upon, such as entries (though I’m good at maintaining conversations, I suck at starting them :woman_shrugging:, I currently overcome that through sheer raw pushing my way, busting in lmao)

So yeah, a cycle on either might be good, I’ll see how I feel later in the week

Edit: Yeah, since what prevents me from reading people is more mental noise than skill, Daredevil might indeed be more useful as of now… Also it would be more synergistic with the rest of my stack according to https://labs.subliminalclub.com/

3 Likes
#100

I’m trembling, the custom hit deep and hard lmaoo
I feel extatic and very slightly worried,
happy and curious/wondering?
idk what is genuinely happening to me deep down, but this shook foundations.
an earthshake in the depths of the mountain of my core.

It shows it was needed, this was indeed the right move.

and this is only 15s lol
wow

I’ll stay at 15s and will indeed go on a lighter cycle

Edit: an explosion a few kilometers down in the ground of my being, that might awake a volcano
I better hold on lol, but I know and feel this is for the best, and feel safe and smiling internally throughout.

4 Likes
#101

Small update before sleep
This morning a colleague I appreciate a lot received an electric shock from 220V while working on a machine and got transported to the hospital by firefighter, and will stay in observation for 24 hours, and will probably be on leave for at least the week.

Still, I was able to keep happiness and optimism beside that, and made many jokes throughout the day
This may sound insensitive but this is genuine, and my hope for him to be well is genuine too.
But then, being worried, sad, or hurried wouldn’t change a thing would it?
So may as well be happy lol

I though about how life is a playground and how we play often with each others so many games too, while doing some groceries when my fidelity card didn’t pass and people were getting impatient asking me what I was oing (as I tried logging on the store app)

so yeah great ToL results (especially on the LB side for now, consciously), I was able to keep a great mood throughout, great TotDB result too with the jokes (I got a lot on electricity lol, especially since his nickname has always been pikachu, and since he seemed somewhat alright) (also I didn’t joke in front of him or to the firefighters, I reported all symptoms and data properly to facilitate the work of HR to secure things better in the future, despite my colleagues not wanting more security, despite it being far from the first time there’s an accident, especially of electrical nature)

Edit: oh yeah, there was indeed another ToL(LB+Regen) result
In the evening I focused on better listening to myself, and got to hear my mother voice telling me

  • love is a two way street
  • why are you doing this to me?
  • don’t you love me?
  • you’re killing me
  • after all I’ve done for you? I was there for you when you were sick, I fed you

And much more.
I listened to it and interogated it
Is love limited?
Would I say the same thing to my child?
Isn’t thinking that wanting her to feel good?
If so isn’t it a proof of love?
Wanting people to feel good, isn’t it love too?

And the more I questioned it and shown through questioning that it was actually love hiding behind these thoughts and worries, the more my mind shifted to red urgency to lush green.

Throughout the day I felt my spine relax and my neck crack a couple times too.

2 Likes
#102

31/03/2026 rest day

Still felt quite the effect and processing, happiness, joy, care.
I was more assertive too
the colleague that was in an electrical accident on Monday came back the morning after, I asked him if he was sure he didn’t need more rest and he said yeah no worries, so no worries it is! we can just be happy all is well, he was giggling a few times as I was talking to him too

So yeah, good vibes, good energy
these last few days I started reading a book on self love and it’s well complete I also started watching the free course on david snider website on communication, the first video of it, though I’ll need to rewatch it a few times and take the time to really understand and integrate, it’s dense but complete and fit with other puzzle pieces I got. Even with pausing it’s not enough time to integrate truly the depth of it.

01/04/2026 Khan1 15s + DD 15s

felt processing this morning still even before listening to subliminals, so yeah the 15s ToL 3 days ago is a good timespan for now, until I no longer feel processing during rest days lol, though even with the processing I got huge results, not only love-wise, but also assertiveness-wise, trust-wise, discipline-wise (no longer felt any need or want to play video games, am more focused at work), wisdom wise.

I find that the Essence: A perfect Unyielding (GLM essence) synergize well with Synergy: Wisdom.
The synergies are even better than expected.
when impulsive thoughts come up, such as impulse to try and get together with bad news woment like the two I talked about, wisdom based logic come upon me to help diffuse it, building resilience at the same time.
I already know what’s good for me, and what’s bad for me, and as I love myself I gotta take care of myself, stay in my fortress.

Love, happiness, joy, all feelings come from within.
so I don’t need to rely on anything external.
emotion reactions are a habit, and habit can be changed or dissolved.
that doesn’t mean isolating myself, as I want to share it with the world, but that does mean emotional independence and a greater ability to bring love and happiness in the world.

Steady love and happiness, as I am way less perturbed by external happenstances.
in this context, knowledge of how to better communicate will help with communicating that love to the world.

Daredevil, as well as David Snider and self-help book will help with that.
Though with all that I read and worked upon with coaches across years, I already have a good basis, yet unapplied due to hiding it from myself.
But that is changing/bound to change.

As I said in the LOA thread, I found this post from Saint

and it is a great one. Though I already know that subs are a tool and all they bring are things we are able to.
Anything is possible as long as we apply ourselves to.
but this knowledge is in my brain, while it also needs to be in the heart.
and I feel it ever so slowly integrating in the heart, though I am far from having it integrated yet lool.
yet I have had direct experiences of syncronicities even without subs.

I attributed it to heavenly power and there might be some truth to that, but truly if it is I still channeled it and accomplished it, I did what I did, not another person. Though I might have gotten guidance, it was accomplished and materialised through my body and mind.

so heavenly power and human power are similar, only hidden from the self
which makes sense since we are built out of the same matter as galaxies.
our body is a temporary bundle of atoms linked together, from what we ate, what our mother ate, and others that came later, and our mind a portion of the energy of the world temporarily bundled in our body, following and creating patterns under our guidance.

though there is no barrier between our mind, our body, and the world, much like how there is no barrier between the surface of Earth where we breath and space, just a gradient, like a fog of oxygen that descended upon Earth, allowing us to live, through the burning of nutrient from the Earth, creating energy, until we go back to the earth and that energy is diffused back as heat.

But enough philosophing for now !
All that is to say, I attributed it to something external while I held the key(s) all along.
and I know why despite my destiny being into my power, I haven’t directed it yet, because I didn’t consciously direct it, instead following other people’s path.
I haven’t chosen consciously a path so how do I expect to have a focused thought consciously directing it?
but my subconscious which is me know what I want even unworded, even if only subtles waves coming to the conscious surface of the ocean of the mind from the magnificient currents of the subconscious below.
The leviathan running inside, hidden, while the ego at the surface thought the waves came with no reasons and cannot be controlled, but the ego is part of the leviathan, that forgot it is the leviathan too.
but the leviathan knows both are they, and listen to the ego to direct it in the sea, like a periscope.
though the sea is also the leviathan, but the leviathan may not know it, but the ocean knows…

Enough philosophy I said! it is not the time to get lost in beatitude! I have a world to live!

Focused directed thought, that’s what my conscious lack, for now.
that is something I can and do work upon through subs.
I want to take upon meditation once again too.
focused meditation, to build one-mindedness.
To direct my life consciously too.

Edit:
also, this deserves a meditation, reflecting both on what I actually want in life, why, and what’s preventing me from getting it

I should follow my own advice for once lol

4 Likes
#103

So, little follow up for the past week

Wednesday 01/04/26 15s DD, 15s Khan1

Felt more drive and urgency to work, worked quite late until night.

Thursday 02/04/26 rest day

slight recon throughout the day, was social, but I had khan effect as in I affirmed my position quite firmly in a debate on fire security drills. a colleague seem to take security lightly, want to flee without warning or helping anyone in case of a fire, claiming anyone would flee in proper order and training is unnecessary. I disagree, many studies shows that without trainings tons of people are either ignoring the danger and staying to burn or drown, or panicking and endangering other people, such as with stampedes.

I worked quite a lot, and late that day too, somewhat neglecting what work I should do at home, such as dishes, I still take care to eat proper balanced meals however.

I was a bit stressed about the yearly review on Friday, as I have had bad experiences in the past of employers only using it to nitpick on what went wrong and dodge giving raises, even after I bought proofs (a 12 pages presentation) on all I do right and how much I earned the business and how I went over my mission statement to give more, andhow I help everyone in the team.

But a colleague had an opposite experience, one of being listened to and where both parties work toward bettering the work environment and making it easier to do things right for all.

This gave me hope and renewed my motivation and vision.
I do important work and working together to accomplish the business vision is possible.

Friday 03/04/2026 15s ToL

felt good but still pressure, felt that maybe next week I should increase to 45s, realised later that’s nonsense as I got recon. though it’s lowkey recon, but recon still.

the yearly review was smooth, despite me writing a novel as usual in the comments. on how our business is essential in the current geopolitical climate, how the culture is rapidly changing since we were bought and how this year was pivotal and transformative, of some needed changes that prevented me from doing one of the task I was assigned, and slowed others, what could and should be improved.

I was able to finish a task just the day before too so I was proud of my accomplishments, as it was not easy.

in the evening, I felt justified buying Old World as it is a strategy game and might help train my brain at making better decision.

Saturday 04/04/2026 Rest

Gamed all day on Old World. By the end of the day, I ended up using cheats instead of seeing myself lose a town to AI, even though I was on normal difficulty, as often in these games I don’t tend to develop my armies prefering increasing production and developing infrastructures. I dislike wars and when attacked I feel the need to utterly annihilate whoever came to disrupt the harmony (in game) but as I got no attack or defensive power it is fruitless, unless cheats.

I realized later that I used cheats to preserve my self-image through the series of inflexions/beliefs that
I am smart, therefore I am good at strategy game (first mistake), I am good at strategy game so I should win without drawbacks (second mistake), especially so as I’m on normal difficulty.
and I had lowered my standard and lied to myself rather than face this conflict, rather than face my own shame. rather than to see clearly what caused such emotional upheaval and what needs rectification, if my self image need rectification, or my beliefs of the world.

Losing a city doesn’t necessarily means losing a game. Losing a game doesn’t necessarily means I am dumb.
and I can see now that I am attached to this image of me being smart. Likely because most of everyone I ever met told me that.

I have a feeling that this is one of the rare things I got for myself, though I know this is not true, because people seem to appreciate being with me.
Though my brain know, my heart doesn’t know.

recently, I have gotten infatuated with Active Inference, which posit that the brain as a predition machine is faced with two choices when an inference/prediction it makes conflict with reality, it can either change perception (ignore senses and keep the inference, or change the inference) or act (move so that the environment fit the inference, or change what exist in reality to fit the inference)

Here’s a good site talking about it, along with an handy graphic

hooves.png

it posit also that the brain tend to prefer the less energy intensive processes, but the conscious may chose and so override the preference. in this viewframe, the self (constructed self/ego) is a collection of inferences either made or accepted from the environment through life, either rectified or not. and that these predictions allow reducing the energy spent.
if we believe that when X happens, Y happens, we only have to look out for X.

it also posit that since the brain is 1. prefering less energy intensive processes and 2. the basal ganglia, the “reptilian brain” is focused purely on survival and influence other processes such as emotions, who themselves influence perception and cognition.
therefore, the brain will privilegy the current behavior (the “comfort zone”) over a potentially unsafer alternative.

even if the current situation isn’t comfortable, the brain doesn’t “know” for sure 100% that the alternative isn’t worse, and further, changing the environment cost energy.
even if we know cognitively and logically that the other situation will be better and safer, our brain will never know for sure, unless we take the step.

I initially wrote the former sentence with “you” and “your”, which shows I still need to internalize this.
(well, these could all be from active inference or a mix of different studies and lecture I saw tbh)

according to neuroscience, taking distance such as speaking in third person allow making more logical descisions as it causes less reaction from the prediction engine and so has less emotional involvement, so really it would be better to think in third person,

“what should wonders do, given that she knows all of this? and given she doesn’t have much passion for her work? and given she doesn’t have the motivation to pursue? and given she feel lost and powerless when she is separate from others and nature? yet panic internally when she’s with other, lying to herself about feeling safe, hence why she put on a mask in front of others to hide her slight deep panic, caused by a prediction engine that often get things wrong, plan for the worse and get the best, and yet keep prepping for battle?”
Damn, this stuff works well, wow.
a bit too much?
no jkjk this is a good thing, stuff like that should be confronted, and rectified ideally.

though I don’t want to make the jump right now, for a thousands excuses, all as bad or worse than the former. all intellectually sound but stupid in the conclusion and therefore leading to unevolving results, to stasis, to situation paralysis.
even though when cells stop moving, that’s called death.

but my cells do their best to keep the body in top shape, every day they make decisions and act, in the most efficient, economical and sure way they know of, to try and satisfy my needs.
and yet I stay still.

Damn, I really did learn stuff from gaming, lmaoo

Sunday 05/04/2026 Rest

I saw family, it was great, my grandma is back from rea at the hospital, and though she might not last the year. We ate Easter lunch with Mom and grandma, though my sister wasn’t there, she’s heavily depressed due to a multitude of factors, I wish I could help, so I plan on seeing her next Sunday, as I got my ex by tel and will see her on Saturday (she seems happier in the new psychiatric hospital, and she started to crunch on another female patient, it’s great to hear she’s happy and moving on, I am glad to see her enjoying her life and advancing. especially more so as I don’t see/feel myself advancing.)

later I ate dinner my my dad, siblings and mil, it was great too to see everyone. I helped both side of the family with stuff throughout the day, my mom gave me money though I didn’t ask, to help me buy a new phone (since I got an old broken S9) though I told her there’s no need she insisted. as I don’t have that much margin I accepted, though I might invest a good part of it on something more urgent, like replacing the water heater that’s 18 years old and might break at any time now.

Monday 06/04/2026 15s Daredevil

as I got recon from running khan and dd, I chose this week to listen to 15s of one title per listening days, starting with the newest as I got lunch planned at a coworkers place.
In the morning I also answered questions I got on whatsapp from a girl I helped about Easter, I told her about my grandma situation and how I took the occasion that my grandma is still alive to properly thank her for all she did for me and my cousins throughout life, all the good times we had playing in the garden and then coming home for a good mea, how this loving environment really built us up. (which I did, might as well say what needs to be said while we can and enjoy life. birth comes once in a lifetime and so does death.)
I took some news about her own Easter, she said she wished she could see her own grandma and how she spent the day with her daghter and sister. it’s good that she had some family and didn’t stay alone too.

I then went to see my coworker, he cooked a fantastic meal, though since he’s an awesome cook he could see things he could have done better, but it was delicious so I told him about how delicious and harmonious it was, how the different meal married to one another to create a fantastic experience.
We talked a bit about life with him his wife and daughter, wI had a good time and hopefully they did as well, he showed me his work labl and it reminded me of my grandpa work lab so I told him, my grandpa used to be one of the first to sell and repair Hi-Fi, TVs, and home appliances in the region, and so had a fully fledged electronic repair shop, and my colleagues electronic repair shop is as extensive as that.

He calls himself an amateur that started from scratch but he’s so much more than that. he doesn’t seem to see how good he is so I took care of telling him how impressive what he does is, how much he was able to improve his home, all the work he did, that is really impressive, and the quality? professional level. the fact he learned by doing is even more laudable.

in the end we talked until something like , afterward he shown me his 3D TV by putting a star trek movie, the depth was really good! I never saw anything from star trek as I told him so I discovered, though I could predict some of the intrigue it was still really fun, in the end I only came home at like 8 pm, after he gave me some of the meal to bring home.
This was a really good week end.

tuesday 07/04/26 rest

This morning I checked out some reels on instagram, and one of them jumped at me. an artist that showed of one of his masterpiece and took the time to explain the details. the piece was a photograph of a man burning in bed above a lake, with a diving helmet.
showing how people stay in confort burning, afraid to dive into the cold unknown, fearing drowning, even when they are already equipped.

it talked to me. I can clearly see the distance between where I <?> and where I am. it makes myself dizzy a bit. like looking from atop a skyscrapper. idk if I want change, but I know what I like and though the colleagues are great I am not having fun at work, even more I am not motivated.

I feel a bit lost tbh, but I know that’s only from me closing my eyes on my situations.
it can only get better by opening them and confronting myself, but I feel scared

why do I feel scared? likely, because I know how uncomfortable it will be
in fact, it is uncomfortable, but opening will reveal the extend of the damage that needs repairs.
but though I know change is inevitable, I am still afraid of taking the step, and sinking deeper than I am.
having a salary is securing, though this is not what I desire if I am being honest.

That’s all I know of, and I am not confident about starting a business or being a freelancer, or reconverting to something else.

idk, I am lost.
at least I know this, this is an anchor.
though an unstable anchor…
one that needs changing, one that I know needs changing.
but one that I don’t know how I would change and for what.

2 Likes
#104

Wednesday 08/04/26 Khan1

Last night I had a dream
Often these days I wake up at like 5 and then sleep again as I have been trying to cause lucid dreams, and this helps with memorizing when the waking up leave me enough time for recall.

In that last part of the night dream I was a sort of archeologist metamorph, and I had a disciple a young woman. I was often in human form with her to not let her see the others.
Also, it was quite cinematic, sometimes I had a third eye view, sometimes it was the metamorph perspective, sometimes it was the disciple perspective.

We went from tomb to tomb, interpreting the symbols, following a cryptic path left by ancestors.

And while the metamorph had no one other than the disciple, the disciple had a whole family.
So she came back to her family often.
One night while the disciple went for a family dinner and was having fun, the metamorph was outside near a fountain.
Guards came to bother me asking me what I was doing there,
Though I tried to explain that I was just waiting there, they tried arresting me, trying to capture me.

The metamorph morphed and I could only see the guards innards spreading on the ground, the guards blown in two, as if seeing my/the metamorph true form was enough to vomit innards and die.

The metamorph with a disgusting grotesque form likening a giant parasitic worm (and when I see giant I mean boa-like in size), slithering into the water of the fountain while surrounded by mount of innards, blood and gore.

After, the metamorph changed as a cat to observe the disciple having fun with family at a big table, there were laugh, drinks, plenty of joy.
It pleased the metamorph cat.
The mom of the disciple left to go for a smoke right in front of the counter, and while the house should have been close enough to the fountain that she should have been able to notice the massacre, she seemingly didn’t? Though she did seem slightly worried, as if she felt danger in the air, caressing her back.
She came back inside and the cat metamorph ceased its observation to go explore more tombs.

Then the metamorph sent a message to the disciple excitedly, they had found something interesting! The disciple quickly sneaked outside the party to follow the metamorph (in human form) and go study symbols and follow signs.

Though somehow, going from sepulcre to sepulcre studying symbols and ancient texts, the metamorph and disciple lost their way.
The disciple quickly checked her phone and saw a caption of messages, worried parents and family blowing up her phone, saying they don’t know where she is, they’re worried, and they called the police to search for her.
She didn’t tell anything of this to the metamorph and put her phone back in her pocket.

The metamorph then used stars to pinpoint their location and find their way back, ancient knowledge.

Then the alarm rang, and my alarm is impossible to ignore lol.
I feel maybe both and neither are me at the same time?

If both were me and only that then I wouldn’t have had a third eye view, if only neither were me then I wouldn’t have had their point of view.

Maybe different parts?
The social light and knowledgeable metamorph shadow?
The outer and the inner?

That makes sense to me interpreted that way, the conscious woman innocent disciple that follows and learn, and the unconscious fluid metamorph, parasitic at it’s true nature, yet having gone beyond its nature to be able to survive alone on raw power and knowledge, but still wanting to pass on this power to another, to the conscious disciple, while still searching for more knowledge to feed itself with.

I think/feel that the metamorph never showed anything but kindness, care, and the human form to the disciple to preserve her and prevent her from making the same mistakes and going down the path of darkness

2 Likes
#105

10/04/2026 Tol 30s

So, I derived some nuggets of wisdom derived from some ChatGPT discussions

Underlying loop/hooks/priors for my tendency to chose women I can have control over that are no good for me:

1. The psychological mechanism (precise model)

You described a loop:

  • fear of rejection → avoidance of local dating
  • avoidance → lack of experience
  • lack of experience → low confidence
  • low confidence → need for validation
  • validation found in asymmetrical relationship
  • asymmetry → perceived safety → reinforcement

This is essentially confidence through controlled environment.

The problem:

  • The validation is non-transferable
  • It doesn’t update your belief about your desirability in neutral conditions
  • So it doesn’t break the loop

Your mind implicitly knows this — which is why you called it “cheating”.

2. Why disengaging is hard

Three hooks are active:

A. Intermittent reinforcement

You get:

  • appreciation
  • emotional warmth
  • gratitude
  • admiration

This works like a variable reward system — very sticky.

B. Moral friction

You feel:

  • responsibility
  • empathy
  • reluctance to harm

This makes cutting contact emotionally costly.

C. Ego investment

You’ve already:

  • invested money
  • invested time
  • invested identity (“the one who helped”)

Your brain resists abandoning sunk cost.

Note: I resist doing what’s good for me because the expected emotional reward (validation of being desireable, validation of being likeable, validation of bringing value, validation of being able to change her life for the better) is greater than the perceived risk.
Though, ultimately I am cheating myself because the different expected validations would be illusory and artificial in nature. (due to being induced not through likeability but through external factors)

Underlying mechanisms to the fear of failure and ways to recalibrate

2. Intelligence as a core identity anchor

You wrote:

this is one of the rare things I got for myself

This is important emotionally.
If intelligence becomes identity-defining, then any evidence against competence triggers ego threat.

Common consequences:

  • perfectionism
  • avoidance of failure
  • early disengagement once uncertainty drops
  • preference for learning over performance (safe competence zone)

This connects to your work pattern:
you engage during learning phase (identity reinforced)
you disengage during execution phase (risk of failure increases)

So the same mechanism appears in:

  • gaming
  • work motivation
  • intellectual exploration

This reframe is highly interesting, the ego (which is a collection of inferences, predictions, beliefs) feel threatened because of challenged identity.
The most likely seed for this behavior is:

10. Another interesting paradox

Highly intelligent people often fall into this trap:

  • success comes easily early
  • little failure exposure
  • identity crystallizes
  • later challenges threaten identity

So what you’re doing now is essentially late-stage calibration.

Though I have watered this seed times and times again across the years through the same loop described in the first paragraph, learning and not executing.
Once I identify the mechanism, I only need to find how to reduce it and disempower it

10. One more subtle insight

You wrote:

my brain knows, my heart doesn’t

This is important.

Predictive models exist at multiple levels:

  • conceptual (explicit beliefs)
  • emotional (implicit priors)

Updating the first does not automatically update the second.

Hence:

  • you know losing doesn’t mean dumb
  • but still feel threatened

This is normal — emotional priors update through experience, not reasoning.

Through experience, doing. Though I need to be gentle to myself throughout the process in order to switch direction and avoid reinforcing the loops I want to disempower.

1. Why “experience failure safely” works

You already articulated the correct mechanism:

play again, fail, learn emotionally that it’s safe

This is essentially prediction error updating at the emotional level.

If your implicit prior is:

  • “failure → threat to self”

then each non-threatening failure generates:

  • prediction error
  • update of emotional prior

This aligns with reinforcement learning models and predictive processing.

But one important nuance:
If you fail while internally criticizing yourself, the emotional system may reinforce:

  • failure → shame

So the interpretation during experience matters as much as the experience itself.

Hence the process, setting intent, doing, changing perspective throughout,

5. How identity actually changes in practice

There are four mechanisms working together:

1. Behavioral evidence

You intentionally engage in:

  • trying
  • failing
  • continuing

This builds data.

2. Cognitive reframing

You reinterpret events:

  • failure = data
  • boredom = signal
  • curiosity = success

3. Emotional conditioning

You pair:

  • failure + safety
  • effort + satisfaction

This updates implicit priors.

4. Narrative reconstruction

You change how you tell your own story:
not “I am smart”
but “I explore systems”

All four are needed.

These tie together tightly to form the foundation to my lack of game we talked about earlier.
As well as other things, more important maybe than mere seduction, but once I can untie the knot, all will be able to flow.

This is not merely from a lack of knowledge, which I could swiftly remedy, but from limiting ego structures and coping mechanisms.
Ones I need unravel by confronting with reality, which I also talked about earlier here

But it does feel like a cliff, one that I am afraid to take because of so much mechanisms I know

  • Change in inference model (identity/ego) require energy, and the brain tries to be energy efficient and avoid change where it perceive the model fit the needs, even if it does so through indirect ways (so I need to demonstrate, understand, that my need can’t be fulfilled by this current model)
  • The brain tend to choose certainty over uncertainty, even if the certainty bring misery, because the alternative might possibly, even by a tiny percent, be worse. The greater the change, the greater the uncertainty, (so I need to accumulate change over time instead of doing all at once)

4. The root issue: fear of rejection

Your insight is accurate:

I need experience, but fear prevents gaining experience

This is the classic avoidance paradox.

Confidence does not come from:

  • introspection alone
  • positive thinking
  • waiting to “feel ready”

It comes from graded exposure.

This is essentially behavioral conditioning.

graded exposure.
safe graded exposure where I am nice to myself, no matter what happen.
exploratory, not goal oriented.

5. Reframing rejection

Right now, rejection = verdict on your value.

You need to reframe:
Rejection = data point about compatibility + timing + context

Attraction is:

  • stochastic
  • situational
  • heterogeneous

Even highly attractive individuals get rejected often.

And yeah, small adaptations and change, confirmed through safe experiences that challenge my internal emotional priors/ inner beliefs

7. Internal work that helps

A. Identity shift

Instead of:
“I must be confident before acting”

Switch to:
“I become confident by acting”

Confidence is post-hoc, not prerequisite.

B. Detach outcome from self-worth

You are training:

  • tolerance of uncertainty
  • tolerance of non-reciprocation

This builds resilience.

C. Normalize awkwardness

Early attempts will feel:

  • clumsy
  • artificial
  • uncomfortable

This is not failure — it is adaptation phase.

8. A very effective micro-exercise

For one week:

  • speak to 3 strangers per day
  • no romantic intent
  • simple neutral topics

Goal:

  • reduce social friction
  • train initiation

Your brain learns:
“Starting interaction is safe”

Right now I am a scaredy cat when it comes to possible romance.
I accepted other people’s rejection as proof that I am neither desireable, nor loveable, if I don’t control the means of survival of the other person (but then, though it makes it so I can’t be rejected, this doesn’t challenge the view that I am loveable or desireable, there’s always the possibility of the other part being interested because of survival impulses.

Yesterday while buying a couple groceries I looked at a woman, she smiled back and said "Hi! :slight_smile: " I knew that this was an invitation to initiate a conversation, and yet I didn’t go for it, I just said "Hi! :smiley: " and went on with my day.
Because I’m emotionally afraid, though I consciously know it’s safe, though I also know of the small possibility of failure, though a good reframe is that failure is data and allow to refine approach.
it’s easy to fall back into pattern we maintained for years.
but I know it’s possible to leave these patterns and loops that feed one another.

as Pat Stedman said in an email:

Though not as explicitly as he said, it’s still there. the validation of unsaid beliefs of unworthiness.
reinforced by arguments I built to justify them.
time and time again.

but yeah

There’s a part of [me] that knows the case [I have] built is wrong — that the arguments are airtight but the conclusion is stupid.

and that part cannot be ignored.
hence I have been searching.
but all lead to the same conclusion, what I reinforced through using experiences along with a certain perception to reinforce, also need experience along with a certain perception to dissolve entirely, beyond all possibilities and probabilities.
which implies taking risks.
though this scares me.
but yeah limited action should be easier and less risky, in theory,
aaaaarrrggggg!!!
why am I trembling internally?
what makes me s scared?
and how can I act beyond it?
being afraid is a signal that points to something.
but like, if I just do, I’ll be able to prove there’s no risk.
probably.
as long as I stay nice to myself.

I’ll go back to work for now my manager presses me and I spent too many hours on this post already.

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