Ascended Mogul?
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Yeah, I just that I bought Mogul… I don’t remember why not AM 
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Oh since this cycle is ended I’d like to say that I’m almost completely free from porn. Almost because sometimes, like 1-2/month I got mild/strong urges to “have some fun”.
But it’s getting more and more empty, miningless, lifeless… especially compared to the real thing 
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Will add this one to my stack 
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I’m probably noticing Wanted effects in other areas too.
I’ve been choosen to train a group of people last evening. They were a group of 20, I was completely confident and comfortable even though it’s been a long time since I’ve taught a group of people.
By the end of the two hours everyone was extremely satisfied and asked me to come back in the future.
On the sexual side, I’m having some issues described here
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Today would be my first day of the new cycle, but I’m thinking of wait a few more days of washout… I dont actually know how much.
This are the whys:
- I think I’m currently in recon: My mood isn’t very great. I’m experiencing a lot of neediness related anxiety, that also translates into difficulty getting to sleep.
The thoughts revolve around the need that the girl I’m currently dating look for me.
I know she is into an “open relationship” from the start, but now it seems it is causing me anxiety. - It has beens suggested to me in the thread here
- I plan to add AM, so I think a bit of “pause” is a good idea.
I’ve briefly talked about this to the girl. We will have to talk about these things in person cause she “have doubts too”.
Damn, I didn’t think this thing could have such an effect on me.
I mean, how long are we dating for? 1 week?
And I feel like shit… I don’t even know what she has to say.
I was just hoping that the feeling of confidence I’ve had lately was real and didn’t collapse like that in an instant.
Feeling a bit better today. I’ve got a good sleep and woke up more calm.
Still not in the mood of socializing thought, and “looking for understanding” about the relationship.
Probably I’m too rational about it.
I’ve planned to keep the washout till next week, even though I’ve this subtle but constant fear of loosing the results I was having
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Still don’t have any explainations but I’m more in a “fuck it” mood now 
Not really angry… But fuck it
Today I gave myself to material pleasures lol, bought some nice new clothes and a bottle of wine for worthy occasions
When changing clothes I’ve noticed I don’t see myself looking good enough, it is still a changing thing for me… Sometimes I see myself awesome
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I’ll start making some practices and taking some herbs for sexual performarce… I don’t know if is just subs manifesting or me being paranoid about this
I’m still unsure what I’m looking for in this relationship.
The girl doesn’t seems much interested now, and to me the idea of an “open relationship” brings up a lot of doubts (never had one before).
Some of them are the impossibility to deepen to much the relationship, how can one have time for multiple people, etc…
I’ve added AM to my stack and will stick with Billion’s suggested stack of 3 titles for now, mainly because I listen on the same days every week and I can more easily organize my schedule.
It'll be like this
Monday - PS+Wanted (and AC)
Tuesday - Rest
Wednesday - Wanted+AM
Thursday - Rest
Friday - AM+PS
Saturday - Rest
Sunday - Rest
Repeat for 3 weeks and on last week skip Friday
On the “taking action” side I’m still practicing sexually related activities daily (kegels, breathing…) and herbal and vitamins supplements.
For now I haven’t had other sexual occasions with the girl I was talking about.
We met one afternoon and talked about our relationship, including the problem that had arisen… basically she wanted to be sure that “it’s not because of her”
In the last week I’ve noticed very low libido, difficulty having erection and maintaing it by myself too.
So I’ve stopped taking creatine (that for some people can cause this) and yesterday I felt already better.
Now I wonder if the total disinterest in porn over the last month was actually rewiring or low libido caused by whatever.
Last night in bed I had a thought about having been in the same house since I was a kid, and subtle feeling of “not being good enough” because I don’t have “my house” (even though I actually own the apartment".
A strong desire for a new place emerged, a independent house with a garden and a more natural setting in general.
I attribute this to AM I’ve listened for the first time on Wednesday. It’s not that I’ve never had this thought (and it usually make me feel shame, a subtle guilt) but this time was really strong.
I also notice I have more though about ways to make money, my future etc.
My current career situation is this:
I’m trying to sell my shop, in which I’m actually working like an employee or worse… And start something new.
I own part of the shop because unfortunately my mother, who was the owner, passed away. But I don’t really like this job.
I feel I’m stagnating an throwing away my life in here.
I don’t have a real plan B though (aside from selling the shop).
I have several interests in life (mostly music, martial arts), but I can’t see how I could develop them and make a work out of them.
All the work I’ve done previously (I’m in my late 30s) was out of necessity, I adapted, without ever following a personal dream.
Let’s where this goes.
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Today it was a good one, I slept good and wentnout early in the morning to get 240km from my city to train with the team.
Competition will be next week 
I havent seen the girl I’m dating but thats fine, apparently she’s busy these days.
I’m already seen something from AM, yesterday I started reading some articles about forex. It was completely oblivious to me 
I’ve met the girl yesterday night, she came home with me and this time my friend was very awake lol
I’ve notice a little increase of confidance in me, but nothing like “the nonchalance of a truly realized individual”.
Also, I think I still don’t see much improvement regarding the seduction area. Maybe a little, but it’s still quite unnatural, forced.
As far as sexual healing is concerned, I think I’m continuing to move forward, even though there’s still a lot to do.
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Today was a holiday in my country.
I used the free time to do some household chores.
I asked the girl if she was home this afternoon.
You only answered this evening saying no, but to an event in a city 40km away from mine.
I actually started teasing her a bit, then she started insisting that I go to her…
I declined, I didn’t want to drive alone for an hour because suddenly she wanted me
This is quite unusual for me lol
It’s not that I was entirely sure to refuse… But that’s it 🤷
Today I’ll start a new cycle:
- 6th for Wanted
- 3rd for PS
- 2nd for AM
I’m still dating the girl I was talking about earlier (I’m also receiving requests from other girls, but I don’t feel particularly interested at this moment).
Sexually things are going much better, she often expresses wonder at the pleasure I give her. For me everything is beautiful and fun, I feel much freer to express my sexuality than in my past.
However I still have some anxiety related to my performance, and in fact I continue to judge the sexual act as a performance. This often leads to the opposite effect of the intended one, inability to control ejaculation.
I also notice how I’m already “getting used” to her presence… On the one hand I’ve always had a tendency to be self-sufficient, self-improve and have my own daily routine. On the other hand, when I’m happy with a woman I tend to miss her even after a few days of not seeing her.
I think both things are related to insecurity, fear of abandonment…
In the first case, trying to be self-sufficient, improve myself to be ready for any eventuality, I don’t risk being abandoned (probably the inner child feels weak, helpless)
In the second case, feeling a sort of anxiety when I’m not in the company of a person with whom I have an emotional bond (again I think this is childhood related, parents divorce, and then having lost them both relatively young…).
In terms of seduction skills I’m not sure if I’m improving, what I’m sure is that there is a lot of rumination about increasing tension/desire by refraining from contacting her/showing interest. Or for example how I have to lead her when we do something together.
All these things I’ve read about in the past, they don’t actually come from me, and at the moment they seem to work very mechanically.
I’m not seeing much of AM yet, but it’s ok, I’ve only listened to it for one cycle.
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I don’t feel great today. I saw the girl last night and we talked a lot…
The evening went on like this with a sort of wall between me and her.
Only later did I realize how detached my mood was even before we met.
I think it’s basically due to a lack of sleep in the last two days, this state of mind is then stimulated and amplified by every little thing.
For example, I had to catch up with her and she was late. I started brooding to myself, getting annoyed.
Finally when I reached her she had prepared something to eat which she knows I really like, and the delay was due to that…
Unfortunately I am slow to let go of emotions, so it was only this morning that I realized how she actually very nice to me, preparing something for the evening,
I hadn’t even noticed how damn sexy she was… 
I basically complicated a situation that would have been very simple and fun.
I brought this up with her this morning, she seemed quite happy that I brought it up
Now I still feel a bit stupid, from missing a good moment.
Physically it is precisely tiredness, emotionally and mentally a set of things I believe, fear of losing someone, not being up to a situation, etc.
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One of last night dreams
I’m walking around in a place I don’t know, and despite having my cell phone with the GPS in my hand I can’t find the car anymore.
The GPS doesn’t seem to work… The dream goes on like this for a while, with feelings of anxiety and disorientation.
The solution comes when I decide to restart the device, at which point the GPS starts working properly again.
This dream is very beautiful and deep, it is about everything you were thinking about in this period. I don’t want to be wrong but it seems that the solution is you, you already know what you want you just weren’t sure (that’s why it took you time to restart the phone), you just have to act (restart the phone).
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Thanks for your perspective but… actually I dont… As I wrote here
I was thinking about “restarting the phone” as starting again from 0… Like leave behind anything you think you know, you are doing now etc
But that seems an impossible task at the moment