SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#102

Day 10
First of 2 rest days

This has been on my mind a while, but I’ve not written of it.

About a month ago, my bitcoin exchange gave me one last fee to pay before withdrawing. I’ve given my miner good amounts to trade on the side to raise the funds, but the fee amount is substantial. I’m writing since I am so used to hiding out from responsibility in life, and it’s been my job as of late to ask a guy I know for a loan.

Amd I’m even here, trying to duck this, hoping I’ll find some sneaky way out.

Fear has been something I’ve hung on to. I’ll have responsibilities that scare me, and I’ll use fear to validate me for not acting.

My miner was a little peaved with me, as he knows I use subs, and I…hid behind DR doing its work in me. True. Busted.

I’ve told him I’ll ask the guy today (another fear reaction of mine–saying “ok”)

But I used the sub as an excuse to hide. Gonna get ready for work now.

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#103

Day 11
2nd rest day

I had back-to-back dreams of feeling successful, and this is a first. I’ve been reading other’s DR experiences, and I’ve hoped I’d feel like some others had. I just never expected this.

Moments ago I realized I’m fearful a lot since I’m imagining and believing I’ll fail in almost anything I challenge myself with. That’s why I’m tense, even feeling like mourning losses before I ever even try. That’s with entrepreneurial pursuits, women, ANYTHING!

WOW! This is what I’ve waited for!!

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#104

I had a similar feeling today. Was following my diet properly the past month but had the urge to eat some junk once in a while since I was out of my country and it felt like a vacation. Today when I was waiting for something outside, I thought, why am I making excuses for my behavior? Don’t I want to look the sexist possible? Don’t I want to feel like I can be comfortable wearing something fit? Don’t I want to feel great when I take my clothes off? To do all that, I need to get off the sugar and junk. So during my break, I had some black tea without sugar and felt a sense of peace for being authentic to myself.

Dragon Reborn is wiring us into the person we desire to be. As promised.

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#105

And feeling it become reality is AWESOME!

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#106

Authentic. Peaceful. True to oneself. I’m sitting here while typing, knowing this doesn’t require my normal interference (unauthentic ways I hide from my real desires), knowing…something big and real is happening within me. I have nothing to compare it to since it’s a first.

Making decisions–without fearing failing–is very, very, VERY new for me.

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#107

Very new for you AND now very you too :ok_hand:

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#108

Raphael AKA The Word Ninja

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#109

Haha I like that one. Thank you.

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#110

That’s huge. Another one you might want to observe is fear of success.

What happens if you become really successful?
Maybe the people you are close to will envy you, try to pull you back down. Maybe they just want to use you.

OR maybe you don’t want to be in any contact with them anymore.

These are also beliefs that might keep you down, even if you don’t realize it yet.

But, I believe DR will help deal with those too.

Just wondering if you have “encountered” those obstacles yet.

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#111

Personally, I’ve found fear of success and fear of failure to be very close cousins. They depend on each other, and worse yet, one will defend the other since their fears are truth to them. Personally, it’s a mindfuck for me, so I don’t think on it much. Feed fear and it grows, but when I feed freedom thoughts, they grow too.

Before DR, yes I’ve encountered them and am still adjusting my ideas of success. Almost 2 years back I was on a financial subliminal sold by someone else, and I began thinking on both what some people were like, but more importantly, how I’d prefer to respond. I still think on these things daily since old negative social messages come up, and (for example) those I work around really don’t get the idea of great wealth. The norm of working for hourly wages week to week is completely different from those owning large amounts of wealth. Building, giving back, and shielding wealth from predators are completely different thinking processes.

And I’m still finding what I want to do and be. DR is presently eroding my faulty “all or nothing” walls I’ve held up to people, and it feels really good. People may assume “oh, he’s nice–he’s a pushover”. No. Having wealth means being responsible with it. It means having boundaries. And since DR is still replacing old thinking patterns, I’m reevaluating my stances. Many were not something I felt good about.

I am a work in progress.

3 Likes
#112

I will reword this, and this makes all the difference:

Making decisions–without believing I’ve failed already–is very, very, VERY new for me.

Main Disc. Thread - Dragon Reborn Multistage + Ultima
#113

@subliminalguy, how does Inner Circle in tandem with Transcendental Connection sound to you? I recall you mentioning this combination quite a few times.

Man For Himself
#114

Sorry Hermit. That wasn’t me. I have neither in my custom, and I don’t remember ever speaking of them in other’s journals as well.

Regarding Inner Circle, DR is removing some fears, so that module (or sub) may open in the future :sunglasses: . The same with TC–feeling empathic with others around me.

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#115

My bad it must have been @SubliminalUser then, I’m confused, lol!

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#116

I just watched a movie I’ve seen 4 or 5 times. A big-city doctor is driving through states to rendezvous with her 5 year boyfriend for a weekend escape, and is pulled over for speeding. The small town she’s stopped in has the local judge sentence her to 3 days community service since she’s a doctor. The judge, essentially the town’s leader, is the town’s doctor as well. He pulls her in to basically see if she’d be willing to take on this role since he discloses to her that he’s got cancer, and has told noone else. It’s a heart-warming story.

While watching it, my stomach twisted some. Like tears wanted to drop freely, but—something scared me. Letting these tears fall meant…that some things may be left behind. I allowed this stomach twisting, but I finally let go. The whole movie’s plot was about how she was being invited to let go of her normal city life and values and allow her heart to blossom. She softened, and so did I.

I wondered while watching it "do I want to do this myself (let go of old baggage and beliefs)? Part of me fought, the fearful part, and I still sit with these questions.

Old ways:
Holding old emotion inside
Keeping away from people, caring people too
Insulating myself living alone
Basically just demotivating myself by imagining failure in any pursuit

New ways (I’m going to make these up, as I don’t look for them regularly)
Being open with my expressions and emotions (holding this in hurts)
Believing someone actually believes in me
Believing in myself–this is missing in my life
Believing I’m loveable
Loving someone else
Feeling complete, yet choosing to spend time with others
Letting go of old cemented ways and beliefs
Allowing others to see me fully–no pretenses
Allowing the separation of my past from my current reality
Knowing happiness is possible
Having faith in small miracles and maybe big ones
Learning to trust vs. fear when unknown possibilities surface
Listening for God’s whispers to me

That stomach tightening happened while writing those last sentences.

I desire the latter. I’m heading that way.

BTW, after realizing her city life was not what she really wanted and her fiance was not who she really loved, she returned to the small town since she’d fallen for an intelligent gentleman country boy. This happened when she listened to her heart.

2 Likes
#117

DR St1
Day 12
One loop while writing

I must be still adjusting to all of what DR is doing. I came here fearful of being myself because I felt weak, uncertain, sad, and then old patterns showed themselves.

I thought about my mom. She was a lifelong alcoholic, and she hid from her emotions using it. While on Ascension (late 2018 and 2019), I remember the anger and pain I felt over her learned helplessness. That same helplessness I learned and practiced myself, year after year, though much time was spent in recovery rooms (counselors and 12 step groups). I still only knew learned helplessness, and my circle was small.

I feel that old helplessness this morning. I used victim strategies to garner attention, and I always felt worse doing that, which is why I didn’t write first this morning. I read other people’s journals, commented on one, and I asked “what about me?” When I write, I see and admit things I’m avoiding.

One is me hiding my emotions. I said my mom did it with alcohol. Me? I’ve used coffee. I even got up to use the bathroom, and can taste it in my mind already. But using liquid courage hurts me first. I come here a little anesthetized, but it’s hurting me when I’m feeling something. No coffee yet.

So, my short story is I’m a little scared, but I’m feeling it. This is me at the moment. DR stopped 10 minutes ago, and I’ll keep my eyes open for changes in me today.

Edit: I was thankful to myself for sharing that openly. Most times I don’t like writing about my mom since … ouch…I thought she failed me. An old grudge still exists in me. I wanted to love her. I was afraid to.

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#118

This is all too freaking relatable brother. The fact that we fear that we’re going to fail, as much as we consciously tell ourself that we’ll be successful in whatever we’re doing, we still fear it subconsciously and there’s that nagging that comes with it. I feel the same way and you’ve opened my eyes to my fear.

Mourning losses before I ever even try.

That line hit me deep man. Jesus.

We’ve got this dude.

—-

Also, I feel like I’ve just read it somewhere in one of your posts on this journal and now I can’t find it to quote but regardless if you did or not post it, just a reminder:

Don’t ever feel fearful about being truthful and honest on here and the comparison between others journal’s and that you’re not allowed to be honest/truthful.

We’ve got you brother, we support you 100%. We’re a Sibling-Hood, not just of The Dragons but even in general…we’re a family. We back you my man!

Edit: It was kind of in the last post…but I’m sure I’ve picked up other things from different posts in this last bit…gah.

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#119

Thank you Brandon. That encourages me that I’m not alone.

And…just to let you know, I felt fearful before I began writing this response. I think DR is peeling off the shield from my heart, and I’m aware of it when letting stuff out.

One day at a time

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#120

Always my man, I got chuuu.

Again, I relate. DR is doing the same to me and working with me to release everything. Truly magical stuff so far.

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#121

My mother was like this, and it took me a long time to realize that she acted like this because she was terrified of powerful men. Once I realized that, I could shift my thinking about it, realize that she’s just a weak little girl trying to bluff away the monster, and not feel emasculated anymore. Nowadays I have trouble not laughing at her for this kind of behavior.

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