Well, I wasn’t looking back wishing something different had happened. Reading that quote had me remembering a very different time in life, and I reflected on the reason.
I’m focusing on what I can do differently and beneficially today–since looking back continuously keeps me in pain. I can’t change the past.
Fair enough. My mistake
No, really. My mistake.
I’ve been feeling DR pushing me all day. I’ve said at least once here today that I was getting out. But…I had not.
I put on v.1 of LD masked, running maybe 3 loops since it usually addresses my fears directly. I was even in bed when listening to the last of it. I was fearing…letting go of old fears, looking at my hasty reactions.
I got up and began getting ready. And my subtly angry response to you made sense suddenly.
I pasted my own brother’s dominating, controlling mentality on to you. Something clicked quickly in me with me seeing how I’ve let that voice direct me a lot in my life. I’ve pasted it on to coworkers as well.
So, I was the one who responded inappropriately. This was me. Thank you for speaking up, as I appreciate the guidance and suggestions.
It’s fine. You and I have known each other for years. I was thinking earlier how sometimes it’s frustrating not necessarily knowing how to respond to something on an emotionally mature level. It seems more than a bit ridiculous that there isn’t any obvious examples unless I’m missing something.
I guess it’s also my healing subs that’s making me remember and think of the possibilities, or what could have been, now that I am even more convinced these tools would help us.
As a kid, I went back and forth from being boisterous and feeling like the king of the world, to a shy wallflower.
The more I use these subs and read results from other journals the more I wish I had these tools sooner.
Perhaps if I had Limitless I would have brought honor upon my parents when I was still in school, like my other classmates did when they accumulated awards after awards, and I on the other hand was just getting by at best. Maybe I would have an impressive degree now, a fulfilling career, be respectable.
Daredevil might have helped me open up, make more friends and connections, be equipped to talk to new people, grab opportunities, instead of shying away and avoidance being my first instinct.
Sanguine to help me see things in a positive light, and maybe heal and deal with traumas I have already experienced at this age. It might have helped me see mental garbage for what they are and drop it sooner than carrying it with me for years. Focus on the good and refreshing than the bad and decay.
All these foundations would have been a blessing to me at this age, before I entered into my teen years which I have wasted.
I guess it’s also pointless on my part to lament about my lost youth, and lost time, but as a silver lining, I believe in what we are doing here, and if all works the way they are intended, the best is definitely yet to come for all of us.
Now that I am typing this, I realize DR would have been incredibly helpful to me as well. Alas I must stick with what I have now, in the hopes they would be enough to clear the cobwebs, oil the engine and get it running again.
I like how you write @Apollo. It’s very heartfelt.
I’ve sat here and wondered why I’ve not had such regrets. And I know the answer, just giving it a second. I’ve tried to distance myself from my family and the memories for years, decades even.
And with that, I am feeling some regret. But more importantly, it’s something I can change. I’ve avoided my sister the last 2 years, as she’s constantly bitter over something. And…she’s like me. She wants to change, tries to change, yet is sidelined by her own thinking and conclusions.
I’ve thought of her a few times over this last week, as I used to be a regular for Thanksgiving with her and her family. I chose to make plans with a coworker and his family, which I’m doing.
I’m wondering if a one hour stopover at her place on T-day would be good to her. Texting her now.
Edit: Just texted her back and forth. I’ll go there in the evening
I got out and did my laundry. To pass time, I thought I’d hit the book rack at Goodwill. I found a book with inspirational quotes and bought it basically new for $1.06.
The title caught my attention, considering my preoccupation recently: No Limits But the Sky
It’s all of maybe 30 pages with an inspirational focus. The first page locked me in:
Today’s achievement marks…
a fond farewell to yesterday,
a warm welcome to tomorrow.
the sunset of a beautiful part of the past,
the sunrise of a bright new future.
the beginning of new challenges,
the promise of success in the future,
and the anticipation of even greater happiness.
The future opens up before you
like a new book…
waiting for you
to commit to its pages
the story only you can write.
(My emotional attention grabbed on to the 2nd line: saying goodbye to yesterday.) I almost choked up, so I continued reading.
A quote here:
“One doesn’t discover new lands
without consenting to lose sight of the shore
for a very long time.” Andre Gide
Lots of quotes I interpreted through some old lenses I’ve used, but one was unmistakably positive and doable:
Seize the Day!
Maybe good things come
to those who wait,
but the best things come
to those who seize the moment
and make it their own.
And the one I could stand seeing every single day:
Overcome
“I have learned that success
is to be measured
not so much by the position
that one has reached in life
as by the obstacles
which he has overcome
while trying to succeed.”
Booker T. Washington
Life is good. I was looking for it 
Day 6
1 loop of DR running
I felt fear this morning before running loops. I’m maybe 20 minutes in now. Dragon fires are brewing, as I’m trying to look back to old ways to cope with it, but I’m sitting here, doing nothing.
I’m scared in my gut. Maybe it’s pushing something out of me. I think it’s just having me sit here to realize…the world didn’t stop. Life is still moving on. I feel slightly stronger sitting here acknowledging it. I’m wondering
should I change it? Should I do something? (caught myself “shoulding” on myself)
The tension (what I’ve thought was fear) is felt in my gut. It seems to be changing each minute. I’m guessing (and hoping) it’s the Harmonic Singularity module working since the DR sales page speaks of removing bodily tensions.
And time flew while running it. The hour’s almost up.
Amen to those beautiful lines.
I always come here trying very hard to forget yesterday and its fears.
I’m leaving that. I’m realizing some stuff spontaneously, that came up, so I’m leaving it. I come here hoping you won’t remember my yesterday–and that’s how I’m living. Don’t know why. Don’t know how. Just am.
Hmmm… just got out of the shower. I used to shower in the morning, and my thoughts would open up. Did so.
New Beginnings was working on me some today. I was in the shower and thought “I’m glad this SOB sub is working”. I want to be honest with myself, and I’m not a lot.
Also, resentments are starting to surface. Will update later about this; it’s not fun.
I was worried about starting DR for one reason. Holiday season and time with friends and family is coming. Maybe it’s just NB, but I was anxious today since my norm of hiding my feelings (from myself) is challenged. Unsure what to expect, and the hiding has always been normal for me.
I’m listening to Elixer Ultima now, and it’s making me sleepy. Goodnight.
I wanted to share something. I wrote that post above in your Q&A thread, and I know it’s true. I usually look to love myself when noone’s around. A childhood survival habit to reinforce a sense of self worth. Basically, giving = being loved.
But I wept 20 minutes ago thinking about something. This is a good thing.
I’m planning on joining a coworker and his family for Thanksgiving dinner. I’ve never met any of his family except his son, who worked with us for a while.
But I’ve been nervous on DR since it’s been unhinging my emotional restraints and normal inhibitions. I feared and imagined saying something dumb. Here’s why.
I am white. He is black, and I’ve never been with a full family like that. I’ve always been attracted to black families since they often live like…well, real families. They socialize, gossip, do all the things most people do, but they do it together. I love how they bond together and hold each other accountable for big and small things.
I like this since my own blood family is NOT like this at all. We’re all running solo. What’s my brother doing? I don’t know. My sister? Ditto. My other brother? No contact. It’s a very split family. Nothing holds us together, especially since my mom passed last year.
To ease my fears about spending time with them, I ran my custom Regeneration today twice in place of DR. I’ve not felt so fragile today. I’ll resume DR either Thursday night when home or Friday.
But why did I cry earlier this evening?
I have been focusing on eating good food lately (DR??), and earlier I imagined having a discussion with my coworker at his home on T-Day.
Me: If no one wants the turkey backbone and carcass, I’ll gladly take it home with me.
Cowrker: You gonna COOK? White people can’t cook good (said sarcastically with a laugh)
Me: Well…maybe. But I LOVE that stuff!
Coworker: what you gonna do with it?
Me: I’ll cook it down in my crockpot, add butter, some bacon fat, fixins, rice, veggies, and savor that stuff–for WEEKS. And one reason I’m here is hoping to leave with some soul food secrets!
I imagined me continuing to speak from the heart, without walls up, telling him and his family some of what I shared above.
This is when I began crying. I realized that in my imagination I was speaking without my walls up. By being myself, I felt I was sharing my heart. I cried since I was giving of myself–pieces of my heart.
I look forward to this 
I know what it’s like to have my defenses malfunctioning when I’m doing healing subliminals. If I feel irritable, I just stay to myself because I don’t want to snap at anyone. However, I’ve noticed the healing subliminals are getting easier as time goes on.
I was reading Herbie Hancock’s autobiography. He talked about when he had to go to a predominantly white school. He felt nervous. But he got there and everything went fine.
He came home on his first day and said something like “Mom! They are just like us!”
Since the Black Lives Matter has gotten more media attention, I decided to re-watch some documentaries on black identity that I had seen a number of years ago. I also watched a few more.
I’d encourage you to go with an open mind and you might be surprised what a good time you have.
Day 8
1 loop of my custom now; 1 DR tonight
I listened to my custom yesterday morning, listened to v.1 Regeneration all day in my pocket yesterday, and I feared me sabotaging my DR run, so I listened to DR one loop last night. I feel ok this morning. I actually miss DR.
I’m also writing since … really?.. maybe. DR has made me aware of something, and my quietness lately may have been it working on it. What I realized, and what I’ve feared doing more (especially today) is me being nothing more than a reactor.
When I’m scared, I tend to isolate. At work I do it mentally, and I hide it by mostly laughing and reacting to people’s jokes and conversations. But once their discussion ends, so does my reacting. I’m quiet.
What’s on my mind now? Thinking of my sister, and now my daughter. Feeling like our relationships are based on old resentments I’ve held. Not sure where to start rebuilding with my sister, and my daughter’s growing up. Feeling a bit melancholy this morning.
And what came up just now, an old feeling, is that I’m unloveable. Fuck.
Ok, I’m going to share my truth. I shared how I tend to react and copy people. I’ve been writing in online journals for years. My struggle is “some won’t like me being honest”. I question if I’m just too unwilling to see it, since some write on paper. Online journaling has been my paper the last 10 years.
And my outdated Chromebook just tried to reboot, losing my music player with my custom. I decided to put on DR. It’s working on stuff, and quickly.
I wanted to shout out to @Lion. I was reading his journal before writing here, and I read the discussion with @Malkuth about older authors, but specifically, how it appears older authors wrote differently, how they probably read a lot more vs. watching TV.
I’ve never thought of being a writer. Nah, I did in college. I just like to write, to share, to create. Creating something good builds me up. The fears have stifled me, and those fears have been in every part of life. And being honest again, I’m seeing how I’ve used these fears and life-stripping limits to keep me from entering the ring. I’m probably not alone, but I do that (DR is pointing this out to me. Truth wins)
That’s me. Can’t take control of my life. Can’t grow a spine. Can’t say I want to leave home. Can’t do anything without some fucking permission.
Me too. I want to hide. Scared that people will find out am really nothing much.
Me 3. No value to give. No status. Not able to gain the attraction of highly beautiful women.
Me…You get the idea. Just agree with people. Don’t disturb them. Be pleasant. Confirming. Call it charming.
That fear that I can’t match up to other writers. That am too old to begin. What if people laugh at me even when others say I write well? Surely it isn’t upto international standards. Irrational fears that are just excuses to stay in my comfort zone while am craving to break free.
Your honesty touches me @Lion.
DR is doing this beautiful work of unraveling our bullshit, showing it to us, and either by its force or our choice, it begins feeling disgusting. Fears, tears, and occasional anger surface (with us resisting drastic change), but it’s dismantling our bullshit.
I’m laughing now. I just caught myself agreeing with you like you spoke of yourself doing.
This is the most shocking stage in DR since it uncovers the things we try to hide from ourselves every single day.
Laughing now. I’ve got dinner plans at 1PM. But I’m sitting in bed trying to hide out, hoping stores will be open long enough–gotta get some drinks for the gathering.
When I first read that line, I thought it said “people will find out am really doing nothing much”. That’s…what I’m doing.
DR is definitely working on you since you went right to feeling “am really nothing much”.
Thank you, @subliminalguy. If the Elixir and Regeneration stack gave surprising emotional benefits, am sure that Dragon Reborn will exceedingly surprass our wildest dreams. Becoming a dragon is no small feat. But for that to happen, a lot of inner work needs to be done. And I can see it in your journal. Just beginning steps but we are on the way.
I have to remind myself of that a lot