SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#711

Love and Limits

I got back a couple of hours ago from visiting my daughter out of state. I had some big awarenesses during my visit.

I’d been doing loops of Regeneration Q, LDQ, Elixer Qv2, and my DR St2 custom the day before I left. I was tired but determined not to be detrimentally reactive towards my daughter. I’d not seen her in 2 years, she’s 16 now, and I learned what was running me some while there.

My first night out with her I was talking and practicing being honest with her, I saw her do this herself, and I cried a few times (for only seconds) while realizing some barriers I’d put in place to not face truths and feel pain in my life. I’d get myself together quickly, but the stage was set: I’d be real with her.

She spotted something in me during dinner that I’ve never clearly seen nor owned. She was reminded of a fictional book she did a report on–as the book spoke all about empathy. Without her stating it directly, she saw me being very empathic towards her and others. It’s called “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?”, and I’m going to get a copy myself.

I hung on to this all weekend, and then WANTED came out. I’ve had this “NO!!!’” in my head around women–and mostly since I equated relationships with me not being who I really am. I’m much more of a heart-felt person. But I’ve been taking cues from others.

Saint said he rotates his healing stack with a productivity stack every few weeks to avoid being stuck in healing, and while with my daughter, I felt a true need inside to get out there more. I’d been focusing on a wealth custom for weeks, but yesterday I realized I needed to nurture my soul and my relationships–my foundations. I began building a relationship custom. I saved it, and made the purchase just hours ago. I still need to take a 2 day rest break, but I’ll begin this for around 3 weeks before returning to DR. This is my build:

Ares
Attachment Destroyer
Empath
Growth Through Pain (this hits me with a positive “what can I do NOW?” when facing obstacles)
Limit Destroyer
Negativity Displacer
Pride Unbroken
Rebirth
Sanguine
DEUS
Omnidimensional
Wayfinder
Transcendental Connection
Renaissance Man Core (to remove blocks of expressing myself)
WANTED Q Core
Iron Frame
Mosaic
Potentiator
Carpe Diem Ascended (I believe Fire put this in Regen; it makes one feel good for small successes)
Daredevil Core (to not feel afraid around others in public)

That’s 20, no love modules, but I’ll likely stack it with both Love Bomb and Limit Destroyer.

And finally, LD has been working in me today. I even had some disgust coming into my place after arriving back from the airport. I’ve had this place all associated with avoiding any REAL growth. LD has been really chipping away from my own blocks, and I’m noticing it. A little mental change is way better than constant avoidance.

I’m wishing to begin practicing this and feeling good about myself.

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#712

My last post was long, so I’m wishing to proudly share something that happened to me Sunday morning.

I was staying with my ex, my daughter, and her new husband, and us adults went to church that morning. I wasn’t scared; no need to be.

Well, this church’s main chapel is a large auditorium. Concert size. And when the band started up, my leg began moving to stay in beat. But… my mind was on another playing field. I actually watched the drummer closely, watching her off-beats, and I was imagining myself doing that. Like, why not? (And I’m just a full-on air drummer)

—I’d run Renasaince Man that morning–which is why I’m making this post. I was on fire creatively! This is also why I put it in my new relationship custom, as RM is all about unblocking our ways of expressing ourselves.

While the band played, I even began analyzing the sound mix, as the instruments were drowning out almost ALL the vocals. Without the lyrics being displayed, it was just a hot mess from where I sat. I imagined myself on the sliders, pulling them down, barely bumping the singer’s mic’s up. Their “sound was not round”. It felt like cannons bellowing over a flute recital. I’ve done that with crowds of 20-50 people (at church), but never in a professional setting.

I think I saw the Raikov module in action–for what I imagined I’d already seen, and essentially, I’d already done (even without me having such experience). It was such a rush to imagine this. I felt like it’d just be doing something I already knew. In reality, I do know some, so it opened my mentality to “why not?” I love music creation. It’s like a drug to me. I’m wanting other doors to open now. Where? Hmmm…

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#713

First rest day, 2nd month of 3, DR St 2 (and will revise this in time)

Woke up defaulting to old (familiar) fears of being rejected and abandoned again, coming from me changing my routine. I’d like to share something that happened with my daughter this weekend. For me, it is a memory to be remembered for years. But first, some history.

I’d said I’d run subs heavy the day before flying up there. 3 years back, my very first visit to see them up there, I’d been using a competitor’s subs, and I’d just begun it, for I was not emotionally stable. My main emotional issue was and is abandonment trauma, and they’d just moved up there months before. This move had triggered me, but I’d been covering it with subliminal input. Well, until the last day.

On this day 3 years ago, she’d wanted to take me to a movie, I’d agreed, and once we began driving, some tone or action triggered me. I turned into a painmaking, inwardly terrified, retaliating attacker of her, and I verbally traumatized her. I felt like I’d destroyed our relationship, and lots of tears were shed, both then and later. I’d really fucked up, feeling out of control and powerless.

This is why I was overly cautious this trip. I felt like I’d been facing some major issues internally, even days before. SC subs seem more focused (Ultimas), so I can run one and hit at least some of my mark effectively.

Well, my 2nd afternoon up there, I ran Regeneration Qv2, mostly since I’d been reading of it and had not tried it since Qv2 came out. And unsurprisingly (looking back)…it brought up the same feelings I’d felt 3 years back. I realized this, remembered the grief from before, and just like then, I quickly got up and took a walk. I was scared, though I didn’t feel completely overtaken by the feelings. I also knew I’d run Elixer later since it resolves what surfaces. But I was in familiar territory with choices to make.

My ex and daughter had just texted and called me since it was dinner time, but I kept walking. Suddenly my ex drove up next to me. And I was honest with her. I said I’d ran a healing sub and the some painful feelings had surfaced. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And sharing that relieved me some, defusing it a bit. I released some tears. I felt more in control, and knowing I’d run Elixer soon, I rode back with her for dinner.

I ran Elixer after dinner after sharing the same with my daughter. I didn’t want to keep hurting her. I did 2 loops, back to back, and slept.

The next morning, I was not owned by my history or fears of it. I laughed and joked with them. I just knew I’d use Regen only when alone.

I made a better decision this time, and that’s a major victory for me. I’d like to thank Saint and Fire for making smart, powerful, and focused tools so we can handle what comes up, big or small. It really makes a difference.

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#714

It must be me. I’m feeling disgusted at my repetitive poor-mouthing myself and my life. I kind of wish I could erase this, as the reminder (me coming back to my past writings here) disgusts me. This is my 2nd rest day, and Qv2 unpacks slower and with more force than previous versions.

I know DR will make me focus on my new identity vs. my old one, and it must be doing that. Like…who am I now?

I came here today to do something I’ve rarely done. I’ve been noticing my thinking and actions around others. It’s mostly me spitting out an answer…but I’m being drawn to internally ask “really? It sounded good…but is it true?” I guess a buried part of me is surfacing.

For example, I posted recently about my plans to do my social custom sub for 3-4 weeks for a break from DR, but early this morning, while still in bed, I realized that pressure from unprocessed sub input had quieted some, and that pull to jump settled down some. I feel insecure now, knowing recon can trick us to pull off subs which are actually changing us. Check. It was subtle recon.

I’m wondering if and how I could use this custom I’ve ordered (not received yet). It’s got Renassaince Man, Wanted, and DareDevil as its cores. I could stack it with DR. I’m just insecure, realized I was BSing myself before (it looked good…but I wasn’t really honest with myself).

I’ll start DR St2 tomorrow. I’m considering the stock St2 since it hits me directly.

I’m also considering another rest day to see if more realizations–or truths–surface. Like I said, Qv2 is still unpacking in my thinking.

Does anyone else go beyond 2 days for rest regularly? I’d really like to know. Thanks for any feedback.

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#715

I’m taking a 3rd rest day today. My brain feels just a touch below full. I’m glad I asked in the Questions section about it, as I got a lot of answers and possible options.

I was sitting here writing that, and a sadness came up. I’ve had it try to pop its head out recently, and I’m sick of allowing it to dominate my life. I’ve not shared consistently about it due to that.

I was reading @Michel’s thread yesterday, and he spent some days grieving the loss of his old identity recently. It was unexpected for him. I know, time and time and time again, I’ve had similar feelings come up. They’ll surface, and since I had nothing to replace the old me, I didn’t allow the grief to come. It resulted in mostly anger and a disliking of myself. I’ve been doing that for years, literally.

I may be closer to a spot where I can allow this finally. I’ve imagined this for years, wanting to dump something, and leave it. Just imaging it chokes me up.

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#716

I listened to DR last night, and later I listened to my relationship custom on ultrasonic while falling asleep.

I didn’t think my relationship custom would really kick in since I’d run DR, as both are in Qv2. But something is showing up. I had numerous dreams last night, back to back, which isn’t my norm. I’m not remembering themes, but something’s being worked on.

Something quite noticeable showed up, and it’s my reason for writing. In recent months I’ve carried this old foul attitude when I’ve come here to write. It’s an old victim mindset, me giving power over to others and blaming them for it, and it’s disgusted me. It’s also why I’ve written less.

When I actually considered writing, my thinking was…different. I didn’t go to the pool of old shit thinking. I just didn’t. I was ready to, and it hasn’t happened. Though I feel different in my feelings and thinking, I’m actually unsure of exactly what’s happening.

Sitting here, trying to grab onto something, I think it’s a DR shift. I’ve spoken about a new identity emerging, and since I can’t hang onto my old thinking, I think it’s DR.

I apologize for writing so unclearly, but not really. Something is changing in me, and it’s not my norm. Something is definitely changing.

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#717

Quick question: what is the longest rest period you’ve done so far?

While I was on the earlier stages of Dragon at some point it got to where Saint told me to take a week or even two off. Everything about me screamed to just keep listening, didn’t want to miss a single day during which I could load more sub into my head.

But in the end it did help to spread things out a bit. Make everything clear again. It calmed me down and made the next stage a lot better.

You seem like you’ve got so much going on all at the same time, maybe the advice Saint gave me can help you as well?

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#718

Thanks @DarkPhilosopher. I’m going to PM you with some questions, as I’m tempted to follow your suggestion.

Edit: 3 days is the max I’ve ever taken off SC subs.

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#719

Saturday I started a one-week break. I may take 2. Just haven’t decided yet.

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#720

I’m realizing an old sense of powerlessness in me. I’m sharing this since…well, I’ve used it, relied on it…felt like shit about following its leading, and then began hating it. It’s like it was familiar but miserable too.

I used it to manipulate others to do what I could have done myself. I’m trying to write detached from this, but it’s coming up. I actually wrestled with taking responsibility for myself over the weekend. More accurately, I wanted to hide in la-la land in my mind. I wasn’t sure why. I just followed it–but I studied myself to see what was happening.

What I’m seeing is I’ve defaulted into a trance-like mentality a lot of my days. Work is a simple escape for me. I actually find it enjoyable, tbh (I’m very physical on my job, and I enjoy that). It’s coming home and allowing my inner self to show and express himself which is what I run away from many days.

And right there, upon writing that, the old pattern in me showed up. This pattern says “I’m afraid I’ll be hurt if I handle my feelings. Someone help me!!” Passing the buck on to someone else.

My mind went to women after writing that. I’ve looked at women in a motherly way–don’t know why I’m writing this. Something clicked though: I’m still seeking my mom’s attention through other women. Fuck :angry: My marriage got f-ed up by me doing that with my wife. It’s made dating since the divorce a very undesired venture. “Can we meet? And oh, I’d like you to comfort me like I wanted my Mom to. Deal?” This shit is never spoken, but damn, it’s out there. Avoiding women is less stressful for me. This deceptiveness leads me–so I don’t follow it. It’s an old default for me.

Don’t know why I’m writing—I’m doing this for me. I’m owning it.

I want to have some personal power back in my life. This old shit’s been holding on ferociously. And breaking free…hmmm…is a choice. My choice. Questioning myself heavily right now.

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#721

Redirecting my thoughts.

I felt proud just moments ago. I was reading the Wanted discussion thread, and I got a little pumped, wishing to write. But oh yeah, I’m on sub break right now, and me thinking about something often leads to trying subs out. I felt like feeling sorry for myself. I saw it and caught myself. I realized I could do, say, or write anything. I have choices, not mandates to feel bad about myself in real life. I’m finally seeing this on an emotional level, where I make almost all of my daily decisions.

I’m just starting to not be attached to (and trapped by) all the known emotions that come with seeing my own faulty thinking. The DR sales page is coming to life where it says we’ll see how we tick more and more on a daily basis. I’m more objective. That’s awesome! :grinning:

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#722

It does that. I think I just found the bottom as far as how and why I’ve been screwing myself up goes.
I also think that the understanding comes after the issue is mostly resolved, so if you’re getting it, that’s a good sign.

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#723

Changes happening. I listened to AM this morning. I’ve still not put on DR yet. It’s still executing.

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#724

Doing my first loop of my custom DR St2 since 2 Saturdays back (it’s Sunday now). 8 days off DR, following DarkPhilosipher’s suggestion.

I have been avoiding DR lately. I think I’m unsure why, but my feelings just tell me I’m afraid of something. I began with AM (preQ) Friday night, I did Ascension and AM yesterday, and I’m wanting to run AM again today. I’m feeling my feelings while listening at this moment, and I still am afraid of feeling stuck and powerless while feeling like shit. It’s a childhood memory/association I have, and listening to AM builds me from the inside. I’m reflecting on my early Ascension days when I started at SC, and I feel different, like I’m more aware of what’s really going on in me now. Ascension touches on my belief in myself, and having some balance of it lately is essential. I’ve even felt afraid of admitting my use of Ascension or AM–since I’ve had this uncomfortable feeling of not being committed to DR. I haven’t wanted to look all flaky. I did fantasize about jumping off before my break, and it was definitely recon.

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#725

I had one significant feeling pop up last Friday, and I’ve mentioned it in private to 2 guys here. Last Friday morning, upon waking up, I was in an off mood. This was weird for me, and I allowed it since it bordered on anger without me feeling violent. I began thinking about my bitcoin miner and recent decisions he’s made, and I began feeling very angry. However, I wasn’t afraid of this anger–which is abnormal for me.

I allowed my anger, and a distrust followed. I realized my miner (who’s been trading lately to raise a withdrawal fee) has lost big trades…and I’ve essentially walked around it. I’ve avoided something here. Since I was still on rest days, I wondered what this may be. What part of the sub was finally executing?

And it hit me: Power Can Corrupt. I have it in my custom. It seemed to ask “what is he REALLY doing?” I’ve avoided this kind of thinking–and I’m realizing that even as a young child I didn’t want to be unfaithful to those who cared about me. Even my last post, my fear of admitting me using AM, was based on the thinkng “DON’T be unfaithful to your (brothers)!”

I’m still wrestling and considering how I’m relating to others now. This is a first for me. Emotionally, I’ve never done this. It is a GOOD challenge to face.

Damn, change seems normal for some, but I’ve avoided change a lot in my life. DR is doing miracles for me.

Edit: Oh yeah, I haven’t contacted my miner since this change is about me. I’m looking at side businesses a lot more, taking responsibility myself. (what happened to me? :wink: )

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#726

It’s 2 hours later, I’ve been reading threads, considering what’s going on in me…and I just felt HIT by something.

This morning, upon waking, I felt like getting out soon, like real soon. This is not normal for me, and I was not fighting myself in any way. But I stayed knowing I wanted to listen to DR first. I did that, and have kept reading and writing some.

I have to do laundry, my main to-do, plus shop. I considered one store I go every weekend, and BAM! There’s one woman cashier who…is on my mind, not in a positive way. Not at all.

She reminds me of my mom. I actually relate to her like she’s my mom. Red hair, mid 60’s, and most evident is her reputation for speaking like she’s powerless over her life. She whines a lot, and I listen like I did with my mom since my mental tapes say “she’s got it rough. She needs emotional support, so I’ll keep listening.”

And that’s what slapped me just now. I give over my peace continually while she laments over anything really.

I don’t want to do that. I am safely admitting it’s also why I’ve hid at home on weekends sometimes. That inner guilt and demand to give to her just DO NOT sit well with me. It hasn’t for ages, and I usually either try to avoid her, and yet mentally I’ve been controlled. Like there’s this constant tape telling me “you’ve got to help her. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta!”

This is the exact tape that ran me when my mom was alive. I’d avoid, avoid, avoid since this inner voice never shut up. So, it be: avoid her, feel guilt and shame, then fear of abandonment would surface so I’d re-enter her life. Instant overwhelm, so I’d avoid her again, and I’d loop this scenario year after year.

Before I ran subs and did 12 step groups, I’d be tempted to rescue her repeatedly. Weekly. This life sucked.

I’m asking myself (and am afraid of finding out) what I could do differently. Part of me is fearing getting in trouble (a childhood mindset) if I avoid her.

Damn. I just saw it. Holy moly.

I avoid and abandon myself by helping her and not me. It’s all or nothing in this mindset, and resentment against myself surfaces while giving all my love away. I hurt myself when I put unrealistic expectations on others. That chaos storm is why I’m home now. Avoiding “mom” again.

I don’t have to do that. Guilt crept up while writing that. Here’s to believing DR is about letting go of our past. Going out.

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#727

I can understand this, it’s how I felt about my father. There is nothing wrong with avoiding this type of person. One of my academy instructors said something that really stuck with me. You can’t rescue anyone if you become a victim too. He was talking about physical danger of course, but the metaphor holds for this kind of thing. You can’t help anyone if trying will drag you into the maelstrom and you have no obligation to do that.
If you really want to help, babble enthusiastically about Subclub. That might actually do her some good if she grabs the lifeline. People like that often don’t really want effective help, but you don’t have to give it either.

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#728

@COWolfe,

I never saw her. I didn’t even think of her while there :+1:

I felt good while out in town. I had AM v.2 (not Qv2) running in my pocket, and it’s been kicking in. After writing my last post, I began it, and I didn’t go to the store I’d spoke of until the very end. It was stressful, so I stayed away. When I finally got there, I never even saw the woman I spoke of. Awesome.

Something did happen in that store which I’ll mention for documentation. About 3 weeks back, a male cashier rung me up, and I had 2 bags of croissants in my checkout. He had smelled one bag, saying they smelled yeasty, but I was embarrassed (2 attractive women behind me), so I ignored this, paid, and left. When I got home, I found the one bag had mold in it. This guy was working today, and for weeks I’ve planned on telling him when I saw him. I wanted to own this. I’ve put myself in his shoes dozens of times, and I didn’t feel good about my exchange with him.

Man, I got sad when I saw him. I could have spoken to him when I entered the store since no one was in his line, but I began choking up. Huh? I passed him, and I spoke to him when I was checking out.

I’ve had things happen in this store before, mostly during Christmas time when charities and giving opportunities pop up everywhere. I could have began crying today, but I didn’t. I didn’t swallow it either. That’s growth.

What also kicked in was productivity, like the exact opposite of procrastination. I went to Wally-world first, ordered some tires for my vehicle, went shopping, and even noticed some women eyeing me. I went to get my oil changed at another place (I’ve been “thinking” about this for weeks), but they closed down early since it’s Sunday. It’ll happen this week. AM moves me–no doubting myself or anything. And I feel better when I’ve completed something.

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#729

That’s what I’m loving in the Emperor part of DE. I just get crap DONE, and am able to acknowledge it and feel good about it after.

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#730

I don’t know what you mean by this. Would you please clarify?

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