I’m awaiting Saint’s reply on this still. He’s practiced it a lot more, so I asked him about its effects with both relationships and business.
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Please share when he responds.
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A lot has come up today on this 2nd rest day. I got a few glimpses of exactly what I’ve done in life to protect myself and who I’ve thought I was. It just popped up, it wasn’t traumatizing, so it was easy to accept.
One big thing which is showing itself is the lack of love in my life. I read @Michel’s latest posts this morning, and it must have linked to this, for I was imagining myself being confident around a beautiful woman, and I even saw one during my route. However, I listened to something inside, and I avoided eye contact with her. I know I’m still using some habitual front around women, and I don’t want to settle for a staged performance. Like me or not. Playing games–or the thought of me doing that–angers me. Why would I expect a woman to be honest if I’m not being honest?
I came home, put on some Celtic music on YT, and just listening to one song brought me to tears. They were tears of loss. The lyric spoke to someone turning away love. I first was honestly quizzical, for I really wondered what she was singing about. But a minute in, and all rationalization left. I knew I’ve avoided love.
Also, I think I’m desiring something bigger than human love as well. Yes, I’ll admit that. I’ve been reminiscing on a spiritual movie I watched over the weekend. I realize that any relationship grows when I just open the door, and though still fearful, I’ve wanted a real relationship with God again. Today I tried doing some things I saw in the movie, and my heart’s been softening some. Things like loving other people, choosing to give them what I’d desire if it were me, and just giving people respect, regardless of their faults. I wasn’t perfect, and I am going to apologize to a coworker since I threw a pointed jab at him after he’d made a comment to me. It even shocked some rougher coworkers. I am going to own that, as I went too far. I was quietly angry at my driver already (me feeling like he’d abandoned me PLUS DR activating), so when he said what he did, bitterness came out with me hoping it’d sound funny. It wasn’t funny.
That’s on my to-do list for tomorrow. I got my custom today, so I’ll be using it tomorrow as well.
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It will certainly feel like that and worse - you feel enclosed, cut off from others and socially isolated. When you love yourself you can’t lean on anybody anymore.
Those are the downsides that no one mentions.
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I’ve had to think on that today. It’s your last statement that’s caught me, for without it, I’d have thought you were endorsing a person isolating themselves. Thank you for sharing this @Michel. On what sub(s) did you experience this? You have a single journal spanning years, so I’d want to follow your history to read your experiences.
Began my new custom DR St2 this morning. I felt things internally while listening, but I slept through most of it. When I arrived at work, I felt slightly vulnerable, but not afraid. I mention this since our manager put me back on a very physical route, and I’d done it the prior 2 days.
Short story: when he told me, I felt slightly saddened since I expected to work alone today. The manager responded in an encouraging way, and I felt my face had told on me. My emotions were working without my imput, as St2 was working on something, but on a bigger scale. No memories or flashbacks, just awareness that I am changing.
And that’s what’s been on my mind today.
I’ve been chasing emotional recovery for decades, and I’ve only used subs the last 5 years or so. I didn’t have anything I could say “this is still working in my life”. Today–I felt like some old barriers were dropping down. I’m speaking of barriers saying “NO!! I WON’T CHANGE!!”
I had this sense today that something is changing in me. I wanted to GRAB onto it since worry and fear were not in control. I had this slow building of hope and joy–right in the face of habitual emotional chaos. I desired it, and my day went much better than I’d previously imagined.
I’m listening to a second loop now. I’ll have to find out a comfortable listening schedule since v.2 will work for days. I burned out on Stark Terminus running it day after day, and this has a similar power level to it.
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Was nice reading this, it encouraging to hear
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Amazing progress, one insight after another 
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No loops this morning. I may do Stark at work.
Wow. This morning I woke up feeling well, and then something old and painful tried to grab on to my attention. I realize it’s way more of a habit to go there than real need, and I feel it, but it’s not in control.
I’ve just looped similar chaos in my brain so long, so it’s looking for “normal”. Even sitting here, my mind wants to follow this rut.
“Wow” is too small to convey my thankfulness.
I said I’d been on the same route the last 3 days, and I’d wrestled hard Monday with me looking to blame my driver for petty things he was doing. Monday was a bit stressful, though I realized I still had choice in my thinking. The painful emotions I kept refreshing just sucked.
And yesterday, day 1 of my v.2 custom, from deep inside I did NOT want to go and sit in this. My desire had changed. Joy, a spontaneous giving of myself, and being open to conversations were much more common. It relaxed both of us, I believe. It did me.
Compared to tense “this sucks” thinking, I really hope to see this again today.
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So pleased to read this, ignore the dust in my eye, it’s nothing…
n.b.
[EDIT] to answer your question, Qv2 made all the difference. Rebirth, then AscensionQ. Complete 180. Sounds like DR2 is having the same effect on you!
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I was surprised when I realized how much of my mental self torture was just…habit. Like smoking, just feels normal and I didn’t feel quite right for a while when not doing it.
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I had a lesson today–and one of many. Call em manifestations, but this one didn’t hit my awareness until the end.
I had parked for lunch at a gas station. I don’t normally come during lunch since this spot packs up quickly with loads of work vehicles. I found a spot near the border of the paved property, knowing I might block some workers since a work truck had arrived before me. I got my lunch and was looking up forum threads here. And I felt good. I’d ignored everyone else during lunch.
When I started coming back mentally to my assignment, I looked up. The truck I’d parked behind had left, and another work truck had squeezed by me and parked next to a pump. And because of the truck’s size, he blocked any traffic getting around him. I was now behind him, blocking him since he was pulling a large trailer and was turned.
Though I thought the driver might have done it spitefully, I ignored this (the blame game). I looked for what I could do. I realized I could back up some and it’d let this guy out. My own mind was looking to make him the bad guy (and me the “poor victim”), but I took charge of myself and acted.
Like immediately, as soon as I backed up, 3 different vehicles came through–which I’d never seen on the other side of this truck. And the truck driver himself pulled out quickly since I’d made room.
The lesson I learned I felt immediately. I wanted him to move, him to change, him to act. I wanted to force a solution–to change his behavior. But trying to change others is always a losing battle.
Change happened immediately when I pushed away the “I’m RIGHT!” mentality and just backed out. The lesson hit me like “I WON!!” I felt so human for wanting to be right…but following common sense to help others, I did win. I felt connected with humanity at that moment. And it sounds kind of goofy, but I felt like a hero in this story. My actions allowed others freedom. Goofy? Yeah. I’ll take that.
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Felt kind of goofy about last night’s share.
I had some fear this morning, so I’m listening to a loop now. It’s calming. I’m looking forward to today–and I just realized fear was looking for its place once again. That’s why my morning has been a push to return to old negativity.
I’m good here, listening now.
I’m gonna share this. Yesterday at the gas station at lunch, I bought a sandwich and a drink, and there were maybe 5 women cashiers, most of which I recognized. One stood out, I didn’t recognize her, and I was still thinking of @Michel’s recent share of how he’d spotted one woman, he felt confident, so he winked at her while walking near her. She responded positively, and it validated that he was not undesirable to women.
I was feeling confident yesterday, and with all these women, I wondered about this for myself (I usually just come and go quickly, avoiding them). When I came to pay, I needed my sandwhich heated, so I had to stand around for 3-4 minutes. Coincidence?
I had my mind on the one I’d never seen, as she’d already shown signs of interest minutes before. I was looking for her eyes, and she suddenly looked up. I smiled, she returned it quickly, and …I did nothing. I was in new territory for me. I just basked in that little win. It felt good.
She was beautiful, and I got a positive reaction.
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This sounds like a kind of reconciliation I’ve been experiencing. I hear some veteran members speak of it, as most newer members just mention the self-doubt, headaches, anger, impatience, etc. What I’m referring to is actual change in me which I’ve not quite accepted completely.
I keep reading journals to get a reflection on my growth, and just now, when I thought I’d come share, I saw why I’ve not written much lately. To clarify, I’ve come here most often to whine and pretend I’m helpless when I’m not, as I used that many years as a way to avoid responsibility in my life. I was the youngest brother, and I hid behind either of my brothers avoiding personal responsibility in my life… or simply growing up. What clicked before I began writing is that I’m still struggling to return to that old identity. Desires to be that way still exist, but no, I really don’t want to go there.
At least a handful of times recently I wanted to come dump my thoughts…but that would have cemented this old reality in, and I couldn’t…wouldn’t do it. I keep wanting to open an old door where I’m looking for a savior brother figure again, it’s really uncomfortable doing it, and trying to return to the old fantasy on DR…is highlighting how much of a practiced habit it’s been. That’s what DR is working on that in my life right now.
Been listening to my Qv2 St2 custom while writing.
Edit: been wanting to get out around people (plus me fighting it too). I remember @Malkuth getting credit for saying action helps reconciliation tremendously. Gotta get out anyway 
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It’s still working on me.
When home on weekends, I usually look for and watch for emails and webinars financially related, but that’s not happening today either.
My identity is being worked on, and my old one isn’t working for me. I’ll call the old one “planned failure” since I’ve just gone round and round in circles. This is weird but cool.
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I had a small realization yesterday, I dismissed it, and just remembered it this morning. I’m going to write about it since…it’s really not that small.
Simply, while going through my internal battling yesterday (back and forth all day), I began thinking of escaping with easy avenues like other subs, sleep, sweets, etc. I wasn’t fighting myself, which was unusual. I just allowed my thoughts to drift. What would I be afraid of when looking for answers?
Sometime later in the afternoon, I had a feeling and realization of what I’ve heard of many times, where one has to mentally reconcile with old beliefs before an actual peace may come. While all I’ve done most of my life is resist feared changes, I wasn’t focused on that fear yesterday. I suddenly realized I was moving forward since I’d allowed that recon instead of resisting and avoiding it.
I felt much happier AFTER I allowed this mental debate to go on. This morning, it appears I’m still looking for escapes (an old, old strategy of mine), but today is rest day 1. Last week, I had a LOT of realizations along with the old battling, so let’s see how today goes. I look forward to this
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I’m listening to Limit Destroyer Ultima this morning. Thinking of everything I’ve been wrestling with, it all points to my internal “no’s”. They’re old beliefs, and… I listened to LDU last night and felt some relief. So I’m listening again.
I’ll listen to St2 on my phone today.
I’m going to list some active beliefs of mine. It’s embarrassing, but me facing them is definitely a part of removing them, so I’m going forward now.
I’m afraid of girls rejecting the real me. I reject myself first most days.
I don’t know how to be a responsible, adult male–and not look back to old ways of hiding or deceiving myself.
To be successful, I have to put on a good face. Who I am is not accepted in the real world.
To be successful, I have to lie and hide who I really am.
Since I equate success with hiding and lying, shame fills me when I imagine being successful in most areas in life (women, business, etc)
Writing those down was exhausting since most of my “life issues” revolve around those beliefs. I’m leaving them, knowing if anything significant surfaces, I can always write it here later. I got this idea from @Simon’s advice to me when doing St1 of EOG, which touched many of the same areas of my life.
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