wow. Thanks @Hoppa! I look forward to this change.
And connecting yesterday to today, I put Gratitude Embodiment in there. Feeling it now, and I felt it ALL day yesterday!
Total Breakdown eradicates personality, I Am on the other hand does the opposite it brings more of who you truly are to the surface – it is only a small component of what Total Breakdown actually is.
I love the I Am module, over a prolonged period of exposure you will start to live completely in the Now without any past events affecting your present behavior, in conjunction with Attachment Destroyer, anything that comes up along the way will be easily let go of.
Also, Gratitude Embodiment is astoundingly powerful, it’ll open up so many pathways.
Can not wait for my upcoming Custom which I have ordered on Saturday with (1-day delivery) I’m assuming the Queue has been quite dense, but still, I’m expecting for that Custom to be delivered shortly and of course, I’ll be refunded the money which is always a positive as I’ll instantly reinvest that in Orpheus Qv2.
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- Interesting dream. I’ve had the misfiring gun dreams myself, but with me I think it represents a more literal fear. I find it significant that the weapon turned back toward yourself when you tried to use it, but then turned into something impotent.
If you want my take on it, it sounds like you were afraid of somehow harming yourself with the energy that you put out to stand up for yourself, but you are successfully getting through that fear.
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@subliminalguy what @Hoppa said here has been a dominant theme in my life for about 3 months. I look at many things and I have a neutral feeling. Like a slightly substantive emptiness. No emotion. No physical reaction. Almost an indifference or disengagement about things many would feel are important.
I feel like the structure that I once thought was my personality has been leveled and now I am just building it back up. It’s been disorienting yet liberating.
I know for me it’s DR, but I AM might give you a similar effect.
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@RVconsultant, I am relating to this. In fact, I’ve been home for 3 hours, read the replies, but…but…but…replying is difficult. And that’s an understatement.
Every single one of my normal responses do not feel comfortable, appropriate, or really…honest. I’m essentially unsure of what I’m standing on. And simultaneously, I’m not worried over it. Me keeping some front up was normal day-to-day business for me, and for the last couple of months, I’m losing hold of them. It’s a relief since fronts demand constant watching (subtle paranoia) against someone detecting it. I’m not even driven to hide it! No kidding. Normal shame and fear aren’t so loud or continually overpowering like they once were.
I found myself looking for familiar hideouts this evening. Went on a porn site, stayed, but all through it I knew it was just a fantasy leading to shame. It was absolutely like making a mistake just to feel old emotions, something familiar.
I have no normal right now. I keep looking for (fear-based) “reasons” to hang onto shame, guilt, and fear, but GDammit that stuff’s been suffocating me for decades!! I’m sick of old shit, am welcoming the new, and am slowly enjoying the changeover. I guess that’s why St3 is important, to give us our standing and a chosen reality back.
I forgot what I was doing until just now. Having one’s brain written over is quite “unnormal”.
PS. I mentioned I Am since, in some way, DR is doing the same to us. At the moment, I have no concrete plans to put it in a custom. I do enjoy being aware of things happening in the big picture. Up until this week, I thought St2 and beyond were “easier” and lighter. I’m grateful I was wrong. Lots of changes coming on.
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I wonder something about this. Why do you feel shame about looking at porn? Maybe I’m in the minority here, but before that switched to Q2 and that scripting in Emperor kicked in I did it occasionally and never thought it was something to be ashamed of.
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One change to my planned St2 custom I’m considering: replacing GLM with Power Can Corrupt.
I put PCC in my first St2 custom, and am beginning to feel it both in charisma and in a guardedness against people manipulating me. I saw the charisma today while working (being smooth and feeling proud handling materials quickly today), and since money is getting more attention in my life presently, I’m wishing to have some of PCC’s basic training installed.
One thing I’ve been thinking about is me saying too much when holding back is given more attention. I watched a YT cartoon clip of the 48 Laws of Power months back, and one leader lost his life since he wouldn’t shut up while talking to a king. I’m not worried about death, but just holding my tongue when around power figures (legal and financial figures in my life). Yeah, I’ll switch that in. I want to feel secure with myself when I have to engage with them.
Good question. Thanks for asking. I struggled for just a second, then knew my truth. I felt shame not since it was sexual, but since I was hiding in it. Me hiding me and who I am from others has grown shame in me, so me telling on myself was my effort to clear myself from it. For me, porn’s always been a private thing, and this demands noone, like noone, finds out. Shame skyrockets when I do this.
I’m wondering (slowly)…what’s the opposite of this?
I’m glad DR is doing all this work. This could take literally YEARS to discover and disempower in face-to-face therapy since shame only survives by hiding itself.
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You know, I’m the same way as far as keeping it private, but I think about it a bit differently. I just think of it, and anything else I consider private to be none of anyone else’s business, not shameful.
It’s ok to have aspects of your life that you consider no one’s business but your own. Hell, it feels downright healthy to me.
It probably relates to setting healthy boundaries. As in, it’s up to me what parts of my life are anyone else’s business.
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The clearing out of habitual emotional responses can feel disorienting.
I think DR is taking you further down that path than you may have realized.
Congratulations!
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Disorienting is a good word. I’m in such a spot right now.
I came home from work and listened to a solo loop of St2 QV2. One loop is still active, plus I pushed myself to listen to it since my custom will be in QV2. I had a sense that I wanted to cry while listening. I still feel soft 2 hours later.
Plus I ordered my custom tonight. While reading over my receipt to double-check I’d done everything like I wanted, I realized I’d left out Pride Unbroken, so I immediately sent a Q ticket in to add it.
Back to my reason for writing. I’m feeling soft and vulnerable. I’m wanting other guys to say I’m ok…when I really am. Wow…tied this to believing “if I ask males for anything, I should have no rights to my own desires” Growing up, I relinquished my wants and needs to gain my brother’s acceptance and love, leading me to believe I was completely dependent on one person to make me happy. Fucked up, but true. It’s also a main reason I’m on and off with males here. Like I’ve feared a part of me would wake up, act helpless to get and keep attention, and suck someone dry emotionally. Makes me remember trauma I experienced during that time (meaning I’m unaware around others, then I remember just a hint of that time, and I recoil.) I break off, greatly fearing it might happen again.
That’s in my head now. Thank you for reading. A good cry may help.
No RV. I’m not taking a rest break.
Man, you aren’t alone with this. I focused it on female romantic interests, but it’s the same thing. Good news if I can get over that problem, so can you.
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Thanks @COWolfe. I think I’ve felt sad since DR seems to be separating me from this. I was reading threads this morning–and I am feeling different, healthier imaginations of communicating with guys here.
I’ve circled around this trauma wagon for decades…and it’s been “normal”. I’m imagining dropping my guards and walls and just being where I am right now. Last night’s QV2 loop is still cooking in me, so no loops this morning. I’m just sitting with it.
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I’m feeling scared now. I keep attempting to discourage myself from writing. There’s a parental part of me which is trying to block me from writing. It keeps saying what I share isn’t good enough and I’m not worthy. This has been unburied in recent months; I’m just hearing it clearly now. It’s why I’ve not been writing much lately.
I did a single loop of St1 Qv2 this morning, which clarified this. I’ve been reading over people’s journals lately since I’ve wanted something, but have felt unworthy of it. Reading other’s experiences takes the pressure off of me since it’s not my story. But I’ve been standing in their shoes lately while reading. That makes it easier to see and own my own stuff.
I want to be loved. That’s all I really want. Broke into tears just now, with fears trying to discourage me. Admission time. I tend to not love myself and look for it in others. I’m thinking of this one woman I work with, I’m thinking of her, and as soon as I mentally see myself talking to her, my confidence just bottoms.
I then see myself in an imagined setting with this coworker, similar to me and my ex, where silence was the accepted norm (more discouragement). I realized a lot of anger with my ex was because I expected her to feed me.
With guys, ditto.
Does DR offer this scripting—self love? Just had a fear rise telling me if I loved myself, I’d abandon others.
A big admission: when I’ve felt this way, I’ve shared and acted like I am helpless so people would “take over” my responsibility to grow and change. I don’t want that. I just want to be honest–with myself. Maybe codependent beliefs are being challenged 
That’s good.
And I’ve sat and re-read this numerous times–all to avoid me sharing this. Fear is loud right now. Will take Monday and Tuesday off for rest days.
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You are loved brother, thanks for sharing 
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Thank you Tobyone. It felt good sharing honestly. Thank you for your words 
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Truth: I’m so used to handing responsibility over to others to do what only I can do… I put on a loop of Emperor Qv2, and this habit is getting attention internally.
I do it continually in finances. We lost a critical trade recently, and I’ve been putting all responsibility on my trader’s lap.
I (know) I do the same with women. When I’m with one, I tend to imply “say SOMETHING so I know how to respond”.
I could sadly post many relationships where presently I act childish in this regard. It’s discouraging for me, so I won’t.
I did send a ticket to Saint. In the DR thread (I think), he said he does a rotation of 3 weeks of a healing sub, then 3 weeks of a productivity sub in order to avoid the “healing hell” routine common while using healing subs. So I asked him about it. I know what being stuck feels like, and I’m wishing for some growth. I’d like to know something is changing internally by my new choices.
I was using Regeneration a year or so back, and when our head boss complimented me privately about my productivity, I realized that Limitless Physical Energy had shown itself proudly. I’ve used Emperor for similar results, and it’s gotten other’s attention.
But why I’m writing: how can I change from thinking and acting deceptively to taking personal responsibility for my life? Sounds like a simple question, but being on the other side, fear is trying to keep from relinquishing its control.
Note: I did put Limit Destroyer, Rebirth, and Sanguine in my custom St2 sub. I’ll receive it either tomorrow or Tuesday, and I look forward to using it.
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2nd rest day
I’m seeing and questioning some self-deception showing up this morning. I didn’t see DR activating yesterday, but this might be happening now.
So 3 weeks healing solo and then the next week alpha or productivity solo?
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I’m writing, owning my bs to myself, and am even sad some since I tend to do this myself. When I’m frustrated, I instantly look for (some bullshit) that says “I didn’t do anything wrong”.
It’s happening in 2 major relationships in my life. One’s with my miner. He replied this morning to a message I wrote last night since we lost a big trade. And the other one’s with my daughter. How can she feel strong around me when all I’m ever doing is looking for her faults?
Yeah, I’ll often feel helpless (thinking I should be giving when I feel empty) with either of these 2, and I’ll begin looking (quite adamantly, I’ll say) for something to keep me from being responsible in any way in the matter.
I’d like to make decisions which make me (and them) feel more empowered. I’m visiting my daughter in a week–so it’s GOOD I’m seeing this now.
This is not over. I’m making changes.
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