Year of the Dragon Emperor

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#556 
              **Stage 2 Cycle 2 Week 2**

  • I remember that I was dreaming when I woke up this afternoon again. I dreamed that I was dinking around with my phone when the alarm on my phone went off. At first I wondered why it didn’t say that the alarm was going off, then I woke up. I don’t remember what I was doing precisely. I may even have been making an entry in this journal.
    That’s a bloody boring dream and I’m only mentioning it because it demonstrates that the frequency with which I remember dreaming has definitely picked up since I switched to QV2 and it’s staying at that higher level.

  • The wife was lecturing me this morning between the time I got up and went back to bed to sleep for my night shift. She I perceived what she was doing as talking down to me and found it irritating.
    She was upset that there were some things that she’d wanted me to do this weekend that I hadn’t gotten done. Never mind that I’d gotten all of my weekly tasks done and a couple of the things she’d wanted despite Friday being taken up with my interview and other stuff.
    She got to one thing that I had done, and noticed halfway through that I had done it.
    I kind of chuckled “I was waiting for you to notice that throughout this entire lecture”.
    Usually if I did something like that, she’d get mad and start verbally attacking. Not this time. This time she turned it on herself and got very depressed. She made a mistake right after that caused a minor mess and when I got downstairs, she was ripping on herself for “fucking everything up” and “not even being able to talk to me right”.
    I certainly don’t like seeing her feel that way, but turning it on herself is a major change from turning it on me as she used to do every time her mood swung. It shows that she’s no longer thinking of me as a convenient punching bag.

  • I am going to be doing only one loop of DE for at least this week. We’ll see how that effects me.

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#557

Just to clarify, one per sub day?

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#558

Yes, five days a week.

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#559
  • Dreaming when I woke up again. I don’t remember what it was about this time, but this is starting to become routine. It used to be that when I fell asleep it just seemed like I didn’t exist at all for a few hours. If I dreamed I had no memory of it, or not more than a few times a year anyway.
    I’m not sure what that means but it has changed markedly on Qv2.
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#560
  • The wife had another bad day today. Her MS symptoms were really bad, and she was unable to operate the new cold brew coffee maker. She got very frustrated and came up while I was getting ready for work and yelled at me about it. I asked her to stop yelling at me because shes frustrated at things other than me.
    She continued to have a meltdown and yell at me because she couldn’t feel her hands. Like it was my fault. I once again said that I didn’t do that to her and told her to stop yelling at me for it. She went and sat down while yelling that I could fix my own damn lunch and coffee.
    I was calm and firm through the whole thing.
    This is the most unstable I’ve seen her in quite some time.
    At some point this afternoon, I asked her if she’d contacted an organization that might be able to point her at some resources to help her deal with her doctor (who is pretty much ignoring her), the disability process, Medicaid, and maybe even our financial situation.
    She hadn’t done it. She said that she didn’t know what to ask. This is an excuse. For some reason she has been resisting making this simple phone call for weeks. It’s like she is resisting anything that might make things better and wants to stay in the current bad situation. I don’t understand that.
    I do however find the situation familiar. I somehow manifested something that resembles my relationship with my father.
    Her panicky frustration is just like his when he couldn’t handle the stress of a minor situation, and so is the panicky feeling I get that I MUST fix it and appease her at the same time. Of course I CANT fix it, I was a powerless kid when it was my father, and curing MS is a bit beyond me even today.
    Dad would explode at me whenever something went wrong as if I had done it no matter what it was.
    It leaves me feeling like it’s my responsibility to do something about it, but completely powerless to do anything (which of course I am)
    There IS one improvement though. I no longer felt that the problems were actually my fault. I often used to feel that they were on a visceral level even when I intellectually knew that they weren’t.
    That leaves the feeling that I’m responsible for fixing things that are well beyond my control and sense of failure when I can’t to work on. Progress.
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#561

  • A little more detail on the similarities between how my Dad and my wife act. They both use what I came to call “weak strong weak tactics”. They both got extremely frustrated when they ran into even a small obstacle and went into an emotional meltdown and declare themselves unable to handle it. That’s the first weak. Then they would verbally abuse me as if I had caused whatever problem it was, and order me to make it right. That’s the strong part. Then if I dared to get angry about that treatment, they’d switch back to being so emotionally weak that I was the bully and abusing them when they were already so upset. That right there is the second weak.
    With my father That put me in the very difficult position of having the bad parts of both the adult and child roles in the relationship and none of the good parts. I had the adult responsibility because he was able to abandon their responsibility and drop it on me, but he retained the adult authority to boss me around and berate be while I tried to clean up the mess. In the end, if I failed at the task that defeated him, it was my failure.
    My wife doesn’t have authority over me of course, but she acts the same way.

  • Falling into this situation has to be a manifestation rather than simply choices too. It took a brain disease to make my wife like this. One that I had no way of knowing she had when we got together.
    That’s some powerful shit, if I can get that working for me instead of against me it’ll be awesome.

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KhanQ by the numbers
SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal
#562

Maybe at some level, there has been a seed planted of her contemplating some responsibility for her actions.

:partying_face::fireworks:

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#563

I think that shes been thinking about it for a while, but only after the fact. When she’s in that kind of mood she doesn’t seem to have the ability to pull herself out of it, and thinks she’s right to act however she’s acting.

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#564
  • I didn’t get the job.
    I started to feel a bit depressed and the negative self talk that I had when I got a rejection letter started to come back a bit.
    It brought back the stretch from maybe 2007 to 2015 when I was trying desperately to get into this field of work, applying to every one of these jobs that I could and convincing myself (on the surface anyway) by sheer force of will that every one of them was the one. Time after time I didn’t get it, and the flimsy house of positivity I had built came crashing down.
    It hurt. That cruel inner voice had a field day. I felt like a complete and utter failure as I mentally beat the crap out of myself. It was hellish and I did it over and over again for years.
    I realize that the problem is that I had my sense of self worth so completely tied up in succeeding at that one thing, but it’s hard not to do.
    This is the one thing I’ve really tried at long term, and not getting it would be a very bitter pill to swallow.
    It wasn’t nearly as bad this time, but a muted version did show up this time. It hadn’t shown up at all the last time. In both cases I really expected to succeed. It came without effort and it wasn’t the house of cards that I was building with will before. There is a lot less negative expectation and self doubt under it.
    I think that I might be better off if I didn’t really push for it again until I’m done with my dragon ride.
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#565

  • I’ve started making use of my time sitting in my booth by working out. I’ve certainly seen enough inmates do that in their cells. If they can get good results that way, so can I.

  • I’m getting an urge to switch to stage three. I haven’t noticed much new happening in the last few days. I will stick to the plan though. Not switching until June 6th.

#566

Yes you can using you body weight can actually push yourself

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#567

  • My wife has had this habit of “correcting” me every time I do something not quite how she’d have done it. It comes off very much like she’s trying to demonstrate superiority and I find it extremely annoying.
    She did it today, and instead of just being irritable at her, I explained that that particular habit was annoying and why. I said that it’s like how her late grandmother (who irritated the hell out of her) was always telling people the “right” way of doing things. She actually got it.

  • I asked her why she was resisting calling the National MS society for advice about her doctor who really is paying her minimal attention. She said that she was afraid that it would somehow get back to him. Like, someone at the MS society would know someone in his office and would say something.
    That’s not really a rational fear, and she knew it. I used a couple of SOM patterns and some similar stuff and got her to agree to do it.

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#568

Which patterns? How did you use them? If you can say here without giving specifics about wife you don’t want to I mean.

(I’m a Sleight of Mouth nerd)

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#569

Just a bit…maybe. :grin:.
I used alternate outcome, and a couple of other things that might not exactly have been SOM but we’re closely related.

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#570

I think the real issue isn’t whether I’m a Sleight of Mouth nerd but more whether the information I like is useful.

Like what I did there? :wink:

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#571

  • Again I was dreaming when I woke up this morning. I don’t remember anything concrete, but this is becoming a lot more normal for me.

  • I figured something out about the irritability that I’ve been experiencing lately. Part of it was recon, yes. It’s also not that I was feeling more irritable than I usually do. I am feeling more like I have the right to express irritation that I feel where before I would have kept it inside in order not to cause any conflict.
    My telling the wife exactly what was bothering me yesterday was a shift toward doing that in a more effective manner too.

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#572

  • The wife actually called the MS society. They were extremely helpful and were able to point us at a crap ton of resources. We also had a very productive conversation before that. She got into exactly what she’s going through feels like. Now hopefully we can start helping her out with counseling and whatnot. She was glad she pushed through the fear and did it.

  • My assertiveness is on the rise. We had a door to door salesman show up trying to sell us a solar system (a few light years away I think). I said no the first time, then I said “I know you’re trained to keep the conversation going and deal with my objections from here, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t. We get at least one of these a week and it gets old”. He didn’t know what to do with that and left politely.

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#573 
              **Stage 2 Cycle 2 Week 3**

  • I woke up this morning not exactly dreaming, but with the impression that my mind was BUSY. I don’t know exactly what processes were going on in there while I was sleeping but it was doing a hell of a lot of it.

  • I was reading @subliminalguy’s journal where he was talking about the type of reconciliation where there is a part of you that is just not accepting the new reality yet.
    I’ve got something similar going on. I have changed. A lot. I see my capabilities and natural potential as much greater than I ever have. I’m pretty damn awesome as a matter of fact. However, what I realized when I read that is that I’m still quite worried about wether the outside world is going to cooperate. I wonder if I’ve realized my power too late and dug myself into a hole that it’s impossible to get out of. I wonder if things like the money manifestation in RICH are going to work for me, or if the universe is going to stubbornly continue to just not respond despite me having made massive internal changes.
    In short I am concerned that the grand total effect that this will have on my life is that I know how much better it would be if I realized how much potential I really had, and made the changes a long time ago.

  • I know this is recon and if I’m experiencing it, it means that those deep internal changes regarding my view of what kind of life I should have and deserve are happening. It’s a necessary stage and it too shall pass.

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#574

  • I went back to sleep for a couple of hours after I wrote the above post and I remember having a dream.
    I was doing some kind of task with my hands. I was trying to build or modify something I think. I kept looking at some kind of clock thinking that I was running late for something and was out of time to be doing whatever I was doing. It seemed that there was going to be some kind of dire consequences if I was late. Then I looked at the clock again and realized that I’d misread it and I actually had plenty of time.

  • I’ve been thinking about my fears of not getting the real world results that I’m looking for. It’s probably a good sign.
    I’ve mentioned before that this DE combo seems to be working from the inside out. First it dealt with my negative thought patterns and the memories that caused them to become ingrained. Then it went for the feelings that those patterns caused me to become used to feeling. Then my behaviors and habits started to alter easily.
    Now I think it’s dealing with the final barrier to my external life changing for the better in some big ways. That is nothing more than the fear that it won’t. It’s a nagging fear that even if I do everything right on the thinking, feeling, and behavioral levels, I will still be denied the meaningful success that I’m after because I really don’t have any power to influence the outside world.
    I’m glad to see this is being brought to the surface because if the pattern DR has taken up to now is anything to go by, it means that it’s been largely dealt with under the hood and is about to give way entirely. Good sign!

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#575
  • To clarify about how my behavior patterns have changed. Some time around when I started stage 2 I started doing some household tasks. They were things that I usually didn’t stay on top of, and they’d get overwhelming so I’d let them go further.
    Since I made that decision, I’ve done them every week like clockwork. It was the most natural thing in the world. There was no struggle to form the habit, I just made the decision and the habit was there like magic.
    The same kind of thing happened with PMO right after I switched DE to Qv2. I wasn’t even planning on it. At one point years ago it had been a major compulsive addiction, but that had eased off to just something I did occasionally by the time I’d started V2. Then I just stopped wanting to. Entirely within a couple of weeks. It just doesn’t interest me anymore.
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