I think that shes been thinking about it for a while, but only after the fact. When she’s in that kind of mood she doesn’t seem to have the ability to pull herself out of it, and thinks she’s right to act however she’s acting.
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- I didn’t get the job.
I started to feel a bit depressed and the negative self talk that I had when I got a rejection letter started to come back a bit.
It brought back the stretch from maybe 2007 to 2015 when I was trying desperately to get into this field of work, applying to every one of these jobs that I could and convincing myself (on the surface anyway) by sheer force of will that every one of them was the one. Time after time I didn’t get it, and the flimsy house of positivity I had built came crashing down.
It hurt. That cruel inner voice had a field day. I felt like a complete and utter failure as I mentally beat the crap out of myself. It was hellish and I did it over and over again for years.
I realize that the problem is that I had my sense of self worth so completely tied up in succeeding at that one thing, but it’s hard not to do.
This is the one thing I’ve really tried at long term, and not getting it would be a very bitter pill to swallow.
It wasn’t nearly as bad this time, but a muted version did show up this time. It hadn’t shown up at all the last time. In both cases I really expected to succeed. It came without effort and it wasn’t the house of cards that I was building with will before. There is a lot less negative expectation and self doubt under it.
I think that I might be better off if I didn’t really push for it again until I’m done with my dragon ride.
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I’ve started making use of my time sitting in my booth by working out. I’ve certainly seen enough inmates do that in their cells. If they can get good results that way, so can I.
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I’m getting an urge to switch to stage three. I haven’t noticed much new happening in the last few days. I will stick to the plan though. Not switching until June 6th.
Yes you can using you body weight can actually push yourself
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My wife has had this habit of “correcting” me every time I do something not quite how she’d have done it. It comes off very much like she’s trying to demonstrate superiority and I find it extremely annoying.
She did it today, and instead of just being irritable at her, I explained that that particular habit was annoying and why. I said that it’s like how her late grandmother (who irritated the hell out of her) was always telling people the “right” way of doing things. She actually got it. -
I asked her why she was resisting calling the National MS society for advice about her doctor who really is paying her minimal attention. She said that she was afraid that it would somehow get back to him. Like, someone at the MS society would know someone in his office and would say something.
That’s not really a rational fear, and she knew it. I used a couple of SOM patterns and some similar stuff and got her to agree to do it.
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Which patterns? How did you use them? If you can say here without giving specifics about wife you don’t want to I mean.
(I’m a Sleight of Mouth nerd)
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Just a bit…maybe. 
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I used alternate outcome, and a couple of other things that might not exactly have been SOM but we’re closely related.
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I think the real issue isn’t whether I’m a Sleight of Mouth nerd but more whether the information I like is useful.
Like what I did there? 
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Again I was dreaming when I woke up this morning. I don’t remember anything concrete, but this is becoming a lot more normal for me.
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I figured something out about the irritability that I’ve been experiencing lately. Part of it was recon, yes. It’s also not that I was feeling more irritable than I usually do. I am feeling more like I have the right to express irritation that I feel where before I would have kept it inside in order not to cause any conflict.
My telling the wife exactly what was bothering me yesterday was a shift toward doing that in a more effective manner too.
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The wife actually called the MS society. They were extremely helpful and were able to point us at a crap ton of resources. We also had a very productive conversation before that. She got into exactly what she’s going through feels like. Now hopefully we can start helping her out with counseling and whatnot. She was glad she pushed through the fear and did it.
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My assertiveness is on the rise. We had a door to door salesman show up trying to sell us a solar system (a few light years away I think). I said no the first time, then I said “I know you’re trained to keep the conversation going and deal with my objections from here, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t. We get at least one of these a week and it gets old”. He didn’t know what to do with that and left politely.
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**Stage 2 Cycle 2 Week 3**
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I woke up this morning not exactly dreaming, but with the impression that my mind was BUSY. I don’t know exactly what processes were going on in there while I was sleeping but it was doing a hell of a lot of it.
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I was reading @subliminalguy’s journal where he was talking about the type of reconciliation where there is a part of you that is just not accepting the new reality yet.
I’ve got something similar going on. I have changed. A lot. I see my capabilities and natural potential as much greater than I ever have. I’m pretty damn awesome as a matter of fact. However, what I realized when I read that is that I’m still quite worried about wether the outside world is going to cooperate. I wonder if I’ve realized my power too late and dug myself into a hole that it’s impossible to get out of. I wonder if things like the money manifestation in RICH are going to work for me, or if the universe is going to stubbornly continue to just not respond despite me having made massive internal changes.
In short I am concerned that the grand total effect that this will have on my life is that I know how much better it would be if I realized how much potential I really had, and made the changes a long time ago. -
I know this is recon and if I’m experiencing it, it means that those deep internal changes regarding my view of what kind of life I should have and deserve are happening. It’s a necessary stage and it too shall pass.
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I went back to sleep for a couple of hours after I wrote the above post and I remember having a dream.
I was doing some kind of task with my hands. I was trying to build or modify something I think. I kept looking at some kind of clock thinking that I was running late for something and was out of time to be doing whatever I was doing. It seemed that there was going to be some kind of dire consequences if I was late. Then I looked at the clock again and realized that I’d misread it and I actually had plenty of time. -
I’ve been thinking about my fears of not getting the real world results that I’m looking for. It’s probably a good sign.
I’ve mentioned before that this DE combo seems to be working from the inside out. First it dealt with my negative thought patterns and the memories that caused them to become ingrained. Then it went for the feelings that those patterns caused me to become used to feeling. Then my behaviors and habits started to alter easily.
Now I think it’s dealing with the final barrier to my external life changing for the better in some big ways. That is nothing more than the fear that it won’t. It’s a nagging fear that even if I do everything right on the thinking, feeling, and behavioral levels, I will still be denied the meaningful success that I’m after because I really don’t have any power to influence the outside world.
I’m glad to see this is being brought to the surface because if the pattern DR has taken up to now is anything to go by, it means that it’s been largely dealt with under the hood and is about to give way entirely. Good sign!
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- To clarify about how my behavior patterns have changed. Some time around when I started stage 2 I started doing some household tasks. They were things that I usually didn’t stay on top of, and they’d get overwhelming so I’d let them go further.
Since I made that decision, I’ve done them every week like clockwork. It was the most natural thing in the world. There was no struggle to form the habit, I just made the decision and the habit was there like magic.
The same kind of thing happened with PMO right after I switched DE to Qv2. I wasn’t even planning on it. At one point years ago it had been a major compulsive addiction, but that had eased off to just something I did occasionally by the time I’d started V2. Then I just stopped wanting to. Entirely within a couple of weeks. It just doesn’t interest me anymore.
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A couple of years ago I bought a thing called a 3x bar. It’s a metal bar that lets you work out with rubber bands. I’m not talking about those weak little ones either, these ones allow you to push some serious resistance. I hadn’t gotten a good workout program going with it because I’d had a real hard time motivating myself to get on and stick with any workout program for quite a few years.
Yesterday it occurred to me that I could use it at work. That would eliminate any excuses about being too tired in the morning or when I got home, and it would help eliminate some of the boredom.
I did the recommended workout last night, and it felt great. I just attacked it. My performance improved since the last time I did it.
Also, I’ve had problems with strength training before because my body seems to have had its “rev limiter” set pretty low. I mean it just quit at a fairly low level of effort and discomfort and couldn’t be pushed further with my will. I was able to push myself a lot more last night. -
I was dreaming when I woke up this afternoon. I don’t have any specific memories. It seems that Qv2 has weakened the, call it barrier between my waking and sleeping mind and allowed me to have more memory of my dream life. That thing was damn near impenetrable before.
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- One thing really hit me today. I have a lot more energy than I used to. I used to have to drag myself through routine tasks, and being on a workout program, forget it. I realize that I’d been depressed for a very long time and I’m now coming out of it.
Now, the work I have to do is easy to get started on and easy to complete, and I’ve only done two workouts so I can’t say that’s a habit yet, but it’s getting there.
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I’ve reached the point with this one where I don’t consciously noticing much change on a day to day basis.
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The wife and I had a good talk about my wanting an open relationship. She was amazingly positive about it which she wasn’t in the past. She agreed to it when we got together, but grudgingly. This talk was about me starting to actively look. She shared a lot about what her concerns were and I alleviated them.
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As the back half of the year approaches, I’m starting to think about what my subliminal plans for next year are going to be. I like what I’m doing this year. I had a specific plan and specific goals for the entire year, and I’m sticking to them. I’ll do that again next year. I’m thinking that that’ll be the way I approach things from here on in.
Since this year was largely focused on removing my internal blocks to success and ridding myself of the accursed success ceiling, next year is going to be all about getting my external life into a shape that I want it in.
I’m not sure what shape that takes just yet. I’m thinking I might continue with Emperor and add one of the seduction cores. I know that my results with Emperor this year may be a little slower than they otherwise would be because DR may be kind of drowning it out. I think those results would skyrocket if I ran it for another year without DR when I’m done with this run. With the blocks removed by DR, a year of priming, and either PS or Wanted in there with it, that should get me all that I anticipate wanting next year. -
While I was having that talk with the wife, I said “I want to live a more interesting life”. That was a much more important statement than I thought when I made it. One of the things that I’m currently dissatisfied with in my life is simply boredom. My life is simply very routine and not very stimulating. I’d really like that to change. The open relationship is a part of that, but there will certainly be other things that I want to do in order to get the excitement and interest that I want. Hell, injecting a little bit of certain types of drama would make this a bit better.
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- I kinda missed it in that last post, but that I want a more interesting life bit feels like it might be the beginning of the shift from what I want DR to get rid of to what I DO want in life.
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I got called in to work tonight, so theres a money manifestation. I think it helps to notice it when it happens, even in small ways.
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Just completed my last workout for the week. I’ve worked out every time I was supposed to and shown improvement in all categories.
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I’m still cogitating on what exactly I mean by wanting to live a more interesting life. It’s a good question. I still have the kind of blankness that seems to characterize the first two stages of DR. I’m calling it Dragon Fog. It’s not a bad thing, I just don’t really know where I want to go since the fear pain and anger that had been motivating me are more or less gone.
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I’m sorely tempted to try Wanted, but thats not what I’m doing this year. One of the things I’m thinking about doing next year is making two customs. One focused on success, probably Emperor based, and the other focused on seduction and attraction. I’ll probably base that one on PS and Wanted. I’ll simply run them on alternating weeks for a year.
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- I got called in to work again tonight. Nice, more on my check. I’ll give the credit to RICH there.
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- I felt bloody exhausted when I got up this morning. At first I thought it might be sub exhaustion, but there’d be no reason for that and it didn’t feel quite right. I realized that it’s from the workouts I’ve been doing. They’re short, but maximum effort, so they’re quite energy intensive. That tells me that they’re doing something.
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