I’ve been trying, and did during that conversation. She is an experienced debater and rarely changes an opinion or belief from anything anyone else says. She has counters to all of the patterns. It’s like trying to use juijitsu on an octopus.
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what came to mind for me just now: "Funny, I’ve never known YOU to back down from a fight. "
or something like that. I just woke up from a sub nap and that came to me reading your posts over again.
To say to her I mean. something similar. or whatever you know about her that she values as an aspect of herself. Whether it’s her tenacity, resourcefulness. Whatever it happens to be.
Just spitballing possibilities and examples so show you what I mean.
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I took that to mean me. And you’re right (if unintentionally). I don’t.
SLOM and similar verbal tricks are playing her sport on her field. Plus a lot of her resistance is just “you can’t convince me of anything” competitiveness. And it may be on the surface so I don’t know she “lost”. I may be doing more good than I think. Time will tell.
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sorry. meant that as something you could riff on to say to her.
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It might be good for that too.
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I listened to Oral BoardU this morning. I didn’t get the overt feelings I got on my first run of it. I was a bit concerned, but realized that I felt very confident anyway. I haven’t run it in a few weeks, but it still felt normal enough to my subconscious that it didn’t trigger that “wow this is different” response. These V2 subs integrate QUICK.
Thats probably why I’m getting the “this isn’t doing anything” feeling with DE even though it clearly is. -
V2 definitely hits something that previous subs didn’t. I’ve remembered more dreams in the couple of weeks since I switched than I usually do in a year or two. I’m not sure what it means, but it’s definitely different.
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I’m having some difficulty deciphering any meaning from that dream. I’m sure there is some, because it was so weird.
I was sitting at the light, and just decided to run it for no other reason than to do it. I somewhat recall the mental process, and I just…well… felt like breaking a rule just to do it.
That isn’t like me at all. I’m not PERFECT about following all of the rules, but more than most, and when I don’t, I have a reason for it. There’s something to be gained. It might have something to do with my fear of taking risks or of being the one who gets caught when I do step out of line a bit, but if so, it’s not been fully dealt with because I did get caught and faced the full consequences.
Don’t know, but it touched on something.
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Thank you for clarifying and noticing because I was trying to build an Ultima for you rather than a Q.
Thanks for posting this! Very informative. I even took notes.
@COWolfe I think Harmonic Singularity is a good idea too!
Thanks again @BLACKICE!
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I woke up irritable today, and it didn’t get much better as time went on. Uh, oh, RECONCILIATION. That’s what it was. Stage two is chewing on one of the more difficult emotional things I’ve got going on, and surprisingly it’s not from my deep past.
I resent my wife for pushing me into parenthood. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. It’s just that I HATE parenthood.
I don’t like the responsibility, constant noise, constant need for attention, lack of time for myself, and a lot of other aspects of it. Oh, and mother fucking Paw Patrol. It’s also killed any chance of me living the life I really wanted to.
This is causing me more issues than most things because it’s not how I’m “supposed” to feel. I can’t talk to anyone about it or they either explain to me that’s not how I really feel (and inform me in detail about how I DO really feel), or they think I’m a horrible person. I’m not. I am the best father I can be, and put a lot of effort into it.
That’s the first thing causing me recon. It’s difficult to admit to myself that that’s how I actually feel, and that it’s ok to feel that way
Second thing I’m dealing with is that I resent the wife for pushing me into this.
I had been pretty adamant from the time we got together that I didn’t want children. She thought that was something that could be modified later in the relationship, and as soon as the clock was running down, she really went on the offensive. This was after she was diagnosed with MS, so it was a pretty distinct possibility that she’d become too disabled to keep up with a kid.
I gave in anyway, and that’s the third part of what I’m trying to process. Self recrimination for not having the spine to hold the line and avoid all of this.
I realize that I might be being a bit unfair to my wife, not to mention myself with this. However, those thoughts and feelings are there and today I decided to take a real look at them instead of stuffing them into a mental vault where they’ll just fester and make me wonder why I’m being irritable. DR seems to be making that impossible. -
I actually said some of this to the wife. I was expecting her to get pissed off. She didn’t. She actually thanked me for being a real man and sticking with it.
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- Observation here. I’ve been irritable as hell all week but didn’t really notice. It felt different. Not as blatant and it felt normal to me. I think that in addition to making results feel normal, Qv2 also normalizes recon.
I’m going to drop back to one loop of DE a day. Two seems to have been a bit much.
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- I took an extra rest day yesterday. This morning I was dreaming when I woke up and my mind felt heavy. I’m definitely still processing and have definitely overloaded myself.
I’ll be going back to it next week at only one loop a day.
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I think being able to admit this out loud is an important milestone. Respect!
I would say give it some time. Somehow I’ve noticed DR has a way of helping resolve these things. Some of the weirdest things that have come into my mind that seem paradoxical or insolveable eventually get solutions.
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- I think that my interview went really well today. The effects of OBU were apparent even though it felt a lot more normal. I know I passed the interview because they had a couple of the other stages set up so the people who passed could get them done on the spot.
I don’t know where this was going, but I’ve passed the two points I’ve had trouble with all in one fell swoop.
If I get the job, I don’t know if I’ll stay on the Dragon or switch to something more purpose focused and pick it back up later.
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**Stage 2 Cycle 2 Week 2**
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I remember that I was dreaming when I woke up this afternoon again. I dreamed that I was dinking around with my phone when the alarm on my phone went off. At first I wondered why it didn’t say that the alarm was going off, then I woke up. I don’t remember what I was doing precisely. I may even have been making an entry in this journal.
That’s a bloody boring dream and I’m only mentioning it because it demonstrates that the frequency with which I remember dreaming has definitely picked up since I switched to QV2 and it’s staying at that higher level. -
The wife was lecturing me this morning between the time I got up and went back to bed to sleep for my night shift. She I perceived what she was doing as talking down to me and found it irritating.
She was upset that there were some things that she’d wanted me to do this weekend that I hadn’t gotten done. Never mind that I’d gotten all of my weekly tasks done and a couple of the things she’d wanted despite Friday being taken up with my interview and other stuff.
She got to one thing that I had done, and noticed halfway through that I had done it.
I kind of chuckled “I was waiting for you to notice that throughout this entire lecture”.
Usually if I did something like that, she’d get mad and start verbally attacking. Not this time. This time she turned it on herself and got very depressed. She made a mistake right after that caused a minor mess and when I got downstairs, she was ripping on herself for “fucking everything up” and “not even being able to talk to me right”.
I certainly don’t like seeing her feel that way, but turning it on herself is a major change from turning it on me as she used to do every time her mood swung. It shows that she’s no longer thinking of me as a convenient punching bag. -
I am going to be doing only one loop of DE for at least this week. We’ll see how that effects me.
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Just to clarify, one per sub day?
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Yes, five days a week.
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- Dreaming when I woke up again. I don’t remember what it was about this time, but this is starting to become routine. It used to be that when I fell asleep it just seemed like I didn’t exist at all for a few hours. If I dreamed I had no memory of it, or not more than a few times a year anyway.
I’m not sure what that means but it has changed markedly on Qv2.
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- The wife had another bad day today. Her MS symptoms were really bad, and she was unable to operate the new cold brew coffee maker. She got very frustrated and came up while I was getting ready for work and yelled at me about it. I asked her to stop yelling at me because shes frustrated at things other than me.
She continued to have a meltdown and yell at me because she couldn’t feel her hands. Like it was my fault. I once again said that I didn’t do that to her and told her to stop yelling at me for it. She went and sat down while yelling that I could fix my own damn lunch and coffee.
I was calm and firm through the whole thing.
This is the most unstable I’ve seen her in quite some time.
At some point this afternoon, I asked her if she’d contacted an organization that might be able to point her at some resources to help her deal with her doctor (who is pretty much ignoring her), the disability process, Medicaid, and maybe even our financial situation.
She hadn’t done it. She said that she didn’t know what to ask. This is an excuse. For some reason she has been resisting making this simple phone call for weeks. It’s like she is resisting anything that might make things better and wants to stay in the current bad situation. I don’t understand that.
I do however find the situation familiar. I somehow manifested something that resembles my relationship with my father.
Her panicky frustration is just like his when he couldn’t handle the stress of a minor situation, and so is the panicky feeling I get that I MUST fix it and appease her at the same time. Of course I CANT fix it, I was a powerless kid when it was my father, and curing MS is a bit beyond me even today.
Dad would explode at me whenever something went wrong as if I had done it no matter what it was.
It leaves me feeling like it’s my responsibility to do something about it, but completely powerless to do anything (which of course I am)
There IS one improvement though. I no longer felt that the problems were actually my fault. I often used to feel that they were on a visceral level even when I intellectually knew that they weren’t.
That leaves the feeling that I’m responsible for fixing things that are well beyond my control and sense of failure when I can’t to work on. Progress.
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A little more detail on the similarities between how my Dad and my wife act. They both use what I came to call “weak strong weak tactics”. They both got extremely frustrated when they ran into even a small obstacle and went into an emotional meltdown and declare themselves unable to handle it. That’s the first weak. Then they would verbally abuse me as if I had caused whatever problem it was, and order me to make it right. That’s the strong part. Then if I dared to get angry about that treatment, they’d switch back to being so emotionally weak that I was the bully and abusing them when they were already so upset. That right there is the second weak.
With my father That put me in the very difficult position of having the bad parts of both the adult and child roles in the relationship and none of the good parts. I had the adult responsibility because he was able to abandon their responsibility and drop it on me, but he retained the adult authority to boss me around and berate be while I tried to clean up the mess. In the end, if I failed at the task that defeated him, it was my failure.
My wife doesn’t have authority over me of course, but she acts the same way. -
Falling into this situation has to be a manifestation rather than simply choices too. It took a brain disease to make my wife like this. One that I had no way of knowing she had when we got together.
That’s some powerful shit, if I can get that working for me instead of against me it’ll be awesome.
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Maybe at some level, there has been a seed planted of her contemplating some responsibility for her actions.
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