You are loved brother, thanks for sharing 
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Thank you Tobyone. It felt good sharing honestly. Thank you for your words 
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Truth: I’m so used to handing responsibility over to others to do what only I can do… I put on a loop of Emperor Qv2, and this habit is getting attention internally.
I do it continually in finances. We lost a critical trade recently, and I’ve been putting all responsibility on my trader’s lap.
I (know) I do the same with women. When I’m with one, I tend to imply “say SOMETHING so I know how to respond”.
I could sadly post many relationships where presently I act childish in this regard. It’s discouraging for me, so I won’t.
I did send a ticket to Saint. In the DR thread (I think), he said he does a rotation of 3 weeks of a healing sub, then 3 weeks of a productivity sub in order to avoid the “healing hell” routine common while using healing subs. So I asked him about it. I know what being stuck feels like, and I’m wishing for some growth. I’d like to know something is changing internally by my new choices.
I was using Regeneration a year or so back, and when our head boss complimented me privately about my productivity, I realized that Limitless Physical Energy had shown itself proudly. I’ve used Emperor for similar results, and it’s gotten other’s attention.
But why I’m writing: how can I change from thinking and acting deceptively to taking personal responsibility for my life? Sounds like a simple question, but being on the other side, fear is trying to keep from relinquishing its control.
Note: I did put Limit Destroyer, Rebirth, and Sanguine in my custom St2 sub. I’ll receive it either tomorrow or Tuesday, and I look forward to using it.
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2nd rest day
I’m seeing and questioning some self-deception showing up this morning. I didn’t see DR activating yesterday, but this might be happening now.
So 3 weeks healing solo and then the next week alpha or productivity solo?
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I’m writing, owning my bs to myself, and am even sad some since I tend to do this myself. When I’m frustrated, I instantly look for (some bullshit) that says “I didn’t do anything wrong”.
It’s happening in 2 major relationships in my life. One’s with my miner. He replied this morning to a message I wrote last night since we lost a big trade. And the other one’s with my daughter. How can she feel strong around me when all I’m ever doing is looking for her faults?
Yeah, I’ll often feel helpless (thinking I should be giving when I feel empty) with either of these 2, and I’ll begin looking (quite adamantly, I’ll say) for something to keep me from being responsible in any way in the matter.
I’d like to make decisions which make me (and them) feel more empowered. I’m visiting my daughter in a week–so it’s GOOD I’m seeing this now.
This is not over. I’m making changes.
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I’m awaiting Saint’s reply on this still. He’s practiced it a lot more, so I asked him about its effects with both relationships and business.
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Please share when he responds.
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A lot has come up today on this 2nd rest day. I got a few glimpses of exactly what I’ve done in life to protect myself and who I’ve thought I was. It just popped up, it wasn’t traumatizing, so it was easy to accept.
One big thing which is showing itself is the lack of love in my life. I read @Michel’s latest posts this morning, and it must have linked to this, for I was imagining myself being confident around a beautiful woman, and I even saw one during my route. However, I listened to something inside, and I avoided eye contact with her. I know I’m still using some habitual front around women, and I don’t want to settle for a staged performance. Like me or not. Playing games–or the thought of me doing that–angers me. Why would I expect a woman to be honest if I’m not being honest?
I came home, put on some Celtic music on YT, and just listening to one song brought me to tears. They were tears of loss. The lyric spoke to someone turning away love. I first was honestly quizzical, for I really wondered what she was singing about. But a minute in, and all rationalization left. I knew I’ve avoided love.
Also, I think I’m desiring something bigger than human love as well. Yes, I’ll admit that. I’ve been reminiscing on a spiritual movie I watched over the weekend. I realize that any relationship grows when I just open the door, and though still fearful, I’ve wanted a real relationship with God again. Today I tried doing some things I saw in the movie, and my heart’s been softening some. Things like loving other people, choosing to give them what I’d desire if it were me, and just giving people respect, regardless of their faults. I wasn’t perfect, and I am going to apologize to a coworker since I threw a pointed jab at him after he’d made a comment to me. It even shocked some rougher coworkers. I am going to own that, as I went too far. I was quietly angry at my driver already (me feeling like he’d abandoned me PLUS DR activating), so when he said what he did, bitterness came out with me hoping it’d sound funny. It wasn’t funny.
That’s on my to-do list for tomorrow. I got my custom today, so I’ll be using it tomorrow as well.
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It will certainly feel like that and worse - you feel enclosed, cut off from others and socially isolated. When you love yourself you can’t lean on anybody anymore.
Those are the downsides that no one mentions.
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I’ve had to think on that today. It’s your last statement that’s caught me, for without it, I’d have thought you were endorsing a person isolating themselves. Thank you for sharing this @Michel. On what sub(s) did you experience this? You have a single journal spanning years, so I’d want to follow your history to read your experiences.
Began my new custom DR St2 this morning. I felt things internally while listening, but I slept through most of it. When I arrived at work, I felt slightly vulnerable, but not afraid. I mention this since our manager put me back on a very physical route, and I’d done it the prior 2 days.
Short story: when he told me, I felt slightly saddened since I expected to work alone today. The manager responded in an encouraging way, and I felt my face had told on me. My emotions were working without my imput, as St2 was working on something, but on a bigger scale. No memories or flashbacks, just awareness that I am changing.
And that’s what’s been on my mind today.
I’ve been chasing emotional recovery for decades, and I’ve only used subs the last 5 years or so. I didn’t have anything I could say “this is still working in my life”. Today–I felt like some old barriers were dropping down. I’m speaking of barriers saying “NO!! I WON’T CHANGE!!”
I had this sense today that something is changing in me. I wanted to GRAB onto it since worry and fear were not in control. I had this slow building of hope and joy–right in the face of habitual emotional chaos. I desired it, and my day went much better than I’d previously imagined.
I’m listening to a second loop now. I’ll have to find out a comfortable listening schedule since v.2 will work for days. I burned out on Stark Terminus running it day after day, and this has a similar power level to it.
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Was nice reading this, it encouraging to hear
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Amazing progress, one insight after another 
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No loops this morning. I may do Stark at work.
Wow. This morning I woke up feeling well, and then something old and painful tried to grab on to my attention. I realize it’s way more of a habit to go there than real need, and I feel it, but it’s not in control.
I’ve just looped similar chaos in my brain so long, so it’s looking for “normal”. Even sitting here, my mind wants to follow this rut.
“Wow” is too small to convey my thankfulness.
I said I’d been on the same route the last 3 days, and I’d wrestled hard Monday with me looking to blame my driver for petty things he was doing. Monday was a bit stressful, though I realized I still had choice in my thinking. The painful emotions I kept refreshing just sucked.
And yesterday, day 1 of my v.2 custom, from deep inside I did NOT want to go and sit in this. My desire had changed. Joy, a spontaneous giving of myself, and being open to conversations were much more common. It relaxed both of us, I believe. It did me.
Compared to tense “this sucks” thinking, I really hope to see this again today.
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So pleased to read this, ignore the dust in my eye, it’s nothing…
n.b.
[EDIT] to answer your question, Qv2 made all the difference. Rebirth, then AscensionQ. Complete 180. Sounds like DR2 is having the same effect on you!
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I was surprised when I realized how much of my mental self torture was just…habit. Like smoking, just feels normal and I didn’t feel quite right for a while when not doing it.
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