I agree. I’m just getting used to it since it comes in fast!
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Shit’s getting real.
I just emailed my ex stating I’m not planning on being there in May. I’m facing feelings of sporadic guilt and fear, but I did clearly say I won’t deal with her blatant disrespect. I told her our daughter only responds when she yells at her. No deal.
And this seems like some manifestation challenging my own perception of feeling abandoned and the beliefs that I’m helpless to change anything. Part of me is saying “is this about her, or is it about me?” I sense it’s about me, and it’s so much bigger than I imagined. I’m facing a real internal conflict since part of me “knows” a certain reality and is comfortable with it, and part of me is demanding I stand up for myself–which is not known or comfortable.
I have an internal war going on. This is real, and this is what happens when needed change has been pushed away constantly. It will blow up somewhere in life.
1 loop of Emperor QV2 this morning
1 loop of my custom DR St2 QV1 after work
1 loop of the stock DR St2 QV2 tomorrow morning
Edit: I realized part of me wants to act helpless so …(don’t wanna go there). No. I am new doing this, I’m not jumping away, and I will make edifying decisions that help me without tearing down others. Part of me feels clueless. So what?! Change has never been easy–or the consequences known. In short, I’m not helpless here. I never was.
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That was assertive. How do you feel about it now that more than 12 hours have passed?
How about a few rest days mate?
I never saw this post RV. My bad. Thought it was a “like”.
How do I feel? Mixed. I still felt assertive yesterday, but I listened to the stock St2 QV2 yesterday, and I finally broke down while driving. I was trying to hold it in, not looking for old feelings of confusion and guilt to hang me up. My ex texted me yesterday asking if I’d made up my mind yet about coming, and I haven’t. My daughter texted me also, apologizing. I haven’t responded.
I’m listening to St2 QV2 now, and sadness is wanting to surface. Because I became aware of something huge which is affecting me. Remember how I was a dick to my sister my first months on DR? I realized…I’m doing the SAME with my daughter. I notice I have this anger at women, expecting someone to pay up, as if I want them to feel my pain. I’m not nice internally towards them. It’s like I’m seeking revenge on anyone, anywhere, at any time.
Hating hurts. This has been where I’ve been stuck. I feel now like that hurt, scared kid in me is trying to reinforce his stance on this. I’ve circled this wagon since I was a young boy. That little boy in me wants to be RIGHT, but being right HURTS.
I know I’ll grieve some today. And simultaneously, part of me is resisting it. It’s uncomfortable as hell. I don’t want to stay here. (And part of me spoke up, fighting that when I wrote that)
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Hang in the @subliminalguy, you are making great progress.
A big step is finally deciding to choose to be happy instead of being right all the time. I can relate a lot to that in my childhood, it was my way or the highway. The words “I don’t know…” is so liberating, and then after “and I’m okay with that”.
Forgiveness is the way to go, you forgive yourself first and you automatically forgive others. Appreciate you sharing all this with us 
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I’ll ask simply.
Why is a rest day suggested each time I share something emotional? I react since 1) I don’t know your why. I don’t think you’ve ever shared a reason. Please hear me: why do you suggest rest days whenever I emote here? I want to think you’ve not shared something that you know.
And 2) which is why I’m reacting: I’m feeling dismissed. I grew up with people unable to deal with their own emotions, and when I emoted around them, I became the new problem to focus on to distract them from their own issues. It feels like a dismissal–and the person dismissing me doesn’t want to hear me. More focused: I hear it like me sharing emotions is a problem here.
For me, those are dangerous beliefs to hold. They only lead me to build walls and blame people.
Would you be willing to share honestly why that’s the only thing you throw at me so often? I only do 1 DR loop a day, and I’ve rarely done different in a while.
St2 QV2 is working steadily. I’m feeling rejected for sharing my truth.
NOTE: I just felt and saw this…I’ve rejected myself over and over again through the years. I’ve done this all by myself. @RVconsultant, just like I observed growing up, I just made you my newest distraction, and you ain’t my problem. I’ve been doing this to myself, all by myself, my whole life.
I apologize for pointing it at you.
Edit: I wrote and kept that up even after realizing my goof. I had no thought or motive to delete it since this is exactly how I’ve treated my daughter, sister, brothers, etc. I’ve felt blind when attacking my daughter lately and in times past. I’m wondering what I’m doing–and why. I don’t like feeling like shit after spewing my stuff out. What am I doing in this?
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Your question is understandable, and I’m glad you asked.
I think of the unconscious as having a certain about of energy or processing power. I know some people will say the unconscious can do millions of things a minute, but I’m not so sure.
So if I say take a rest day, then your subconscious can process your emotions perhaps with more energy or bandwidth on that rest day. If you are listening to subliminals and trying to process an emotion, then you subconscious has 2 tasks it may have to actively work on, then how will that effect your quality of life.
I’m also glad you got introspective.
If you want some more clarification, just ask and I’ll try to give you more context or detail.
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I like your response. It makes me consider things I’ve never done, but could definitely work.
I’d also read up on Omnidimensional today, which fits here.
Thanks for speaking truth @Tobyone. Being right vs. being happy just doesn’t work for me. I’m grateful that even here I’m practicing that, like with @RVconsultant above.
And forgiveness…I’m desiring it to teach me now. I thought I knew (I was RIGHT!)…no. I’m ready to learn some lessons. I’m realizing I really don’t know.
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Loving the insights @subliminalguy.
What we do to others we ultimately do to ourself, I have learned that the hard way, as we all have 
We are so quick to defend our positions, others see it but we don’t. But when we release the negative emotions behind it and just let it go, magic happens and the dark clouds vanish. They are just there because we want them there, and that can be hard to admit, but that’s how we change that 
When we remove ourselves from the specific situation it is so much easier to see that we manifested it through our internal state. Remove the pressure on yourself and you remove from others.
I just started Dragon Reborn myself and am amazed already on the level of depths just from a few loops 
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I’ve been looking into this more lately. I’m wondering “why am I holding on to these beliefs so tightly?” I’m seeing I’ve blocked myself from seeing it countless times. As I step into it more and more, I am seeing things.
This is quite amazing, and quite a contrast, for my norm has been to see something and then quickly look away. Looking into this takes discipline and a desire to do something different for myself. It kicks my ass initially (or I assume it will, thus my fear), so not looking away does take some discipline. Not fun, but more freeing than hypervigilant avoidance. The former sucks energy from me; the latter feels heavy initially, but relieves me when I persevere.
I’ll share some evidence that St2 is moving me forward.
Yesterday I listened to a casual radio station (oldies), and a Bryan Adams song came on. He was big in the '80’s, and the song was “Heaven”.
I cried some while listening, and I wondered…“WHY? Why did I do this?” I allowed myself to go back to high school, and I realized…people fell in love, some in lust…I never did. I had put girls in that subconscious role of “bad” or “dangerous”. I’d smile, but I never allowed anyone to get close to my heart, full of pain, hate, and fear.
And yesterday, while remembering back, I realized I felt curious. What if…? I seemed to come to a crossroad in my mind, and I wasn’t afraid or dead-set in being RIGHT.
I realized a relationship may be possible for me in the future. Looking at this internal stuff had me not looking. And I’m not “looking” presently. I’ve done that (the superficial stuff). What I realized is I was open to change. Maybe…I’m wrong about some things. Yeah, a lot of things. (It does feel good admitting that stuff @Tobyone)
I’m grateful to be here!
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I’m slowly (and steadily) coming to realize I hide the most from my own emotional needs and desires. Something like that. Writing this quickly.
I’m preparing for something major in my life, and I began making a written list of things I desire to be in place so I’m more prepared. And while writing, I felt a small cry for my own attention. And, like I’ve done so often, I tried to ignore it.
That’s what I’m realizing is causing me pain right now. I am doing this. I’m slowly feeling the pain of it, and with DR, it’s like a blinking light in my face. In other words, it’s hard to ignore. I’m seeking helpful ways of approaching it or viewing it internally.
Subconsciously, I feel myself pressuring myself, but for good or bad, I’m not sure.
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I agree, it drains our energy to constantly hide and suppress. And also in all the ways we do in. I used to just withdraw and hide when I was a teenager, some take it out in the world and so on.
The funny thing is when we see that all our fears are just smoke screens, our behaviors becomes so obvious.
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I had a short dream last night. I’d actually dozed before bedtime, and then I woke back up.
I was with my brother, but we were at odds with each other–not uncommon IRL. We were in some small room, and I felt a need to stand up for myself. It was life or death for me in the dream.
I had a handgun, he wasn’t listening, and to protect myself from him overriding me physically and verbally, I pointed it at him. What I focused on was my mindset. I was willing to shoot if he was going to completely ignore my stance (this mood is very much like our actual history). I don’t remember what we were disagreeing on.
Well, like he normally does, he came toward me. I purposely aimed away from his heart, pointing at his shoulder. I was focusing on pulling the trigger, but something was not working in the gun when I tried. I checked the safety, and suddenly I was holding it backwards, pointing it at myself–and it was suddenly a water gun attached to a hose. However, in my anger, I wanted to complete what I’d started. It finally fired, and I was hit with water. I woke up then.
This dream is clicking the more I think about it. My brother, the same one who left me in my teens, was always a bully to me. I’d disagree with him, and he’d overtalk or ignore me and most often go with his own plan of action. I’d even demand loudly to be listened to (still fearing his rage), but he’d get louder, even whinier since I often gave in to him when he whined angrily.
In the dream, I was willing to stand up for myself. I wasn’t willing to let him override me. I felt some of the anger I’d suppressed time and time again, and I wasn’t going to give in. The gun was my tool to use to say no since he ignores my words. And like he’d always done, he ignored me. I couldn’t look away from this. I had to stand up for me. And even when it was pointing back at me, I couldn’t back down. I was tired of backing down to my fear. My own undealt-with anger or rage makes my thinking go out the window.
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In real life, I’ve been noticing some relationship changes with men. Whether it’s been from DR, Emperor, or both, I’m unsure.
Past: I felt like a kid among adults. I laughed, giggled, and grinned a lot, and even have had guys wonder why. I have almost always let others lead my direction to gain closer relationships. This is patterned after me seeking a “big brother” among men.
Present: I’m unsure why, but it feels uncomfortable for me to give so much power away to other men. When I speak, I instantly and unconsciously check my stance since I’m not playing a helpless, clueless kid anymore.
And I chose to write this since I worked with an older black man in our company, and he’s shared a lot about himself. He grew up with brothers, and even though he was an older child, he plays like such a kid himself. Well, two Saturdays back we rode together for our shift.
I wasn’t as willing to do what I’ve normally done. No talking just so he’d talk to me, and I have done this with men for YEARS. I just wasn’t comfortable going BACK into old ways, seeking something I lost once again. I had a bit of internal conflict over that…and as I write, my actual reasons are showing up.
Put simply, my conflict isn’t within the adult mindset. The immature child in me is facing a more mature me and they’re working it out. The immature me is not getting what he wants, and he whines and gets angry a lot. That’s where my reconciliation comes from. The immature me gets scared and calls fear his reality while the mature me just grins and says “it’ll pass. No worries”.
When I was riding with my coworker 2 weeks back, that inner conflict was on. I was impatient with myself, I felt like I was playing with a short fuse, and that frightened me since----wow, I’m seeing it now–I was afraid I’d hurt an outside relationship due to the inner conflict going on.
That’s exactly what I’ve done with my daughter recently. I usually don’t feel much on the outside (keeping some walls up), but as an inner conflict escalates, I’ve often spilled some of it out to others. I’m not wanting to lose my daughter…and I’m not wanting to lose all my internal growth either. I’m realizing while I feel a lot inside, I often hide most of it from others. The outpouring frustration and anger must confuse the heck out of her.
She’s not my problem. My conflict is in me, not in her. Using blame cuts her like a knife. I want to be better to her. Loving? Yes–and it’s got to start in me first. I know I’m not kind to myself consistently. Hmm.
This is why I journal. Crying now. I’d never seen this before.
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Rest days starting today.
Feeling good, reflecting on so many changes happening. And even one change happening is major to me.
There’s something my mind is moving forward in, and clear descriptions forsake me. I’m going to write recent changes, and maybe something will come clear for me.
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I realized yesterday I’d hurt my daughter, so I texted her owning it. No reply, but I have no expectations of her. This was my doing, and I’m giving her time to process it.
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Listening to an 80’s YT playlist presently. It’s been over 30 years since HS graduation…but I’ve had a willingness and desire to look into my life back then, for having my eyes shut to life was normal back then. --I woke up with Berlin’s “Take my Breathe Away” playing in my mind, so I chose to follow up with it.
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I listened to StarkQ V1 twice over the weekend. I think this matches my personal and financial aims better than Emperor, as I had no trace of recon. Confidence, curiosity, and ambition all wrapped up in one package. I’d listen today if these weren’t rest days.
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I’m giving myself more priority vs. allowing fear of others to determine every choice of mine. This is the main thing I’m experiencing. I have value, and this is new to me. That’s what’s at the core of this feeling this morning.
Making money too. That share’s for another day though.
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Due to a holdup using Quadpay (new phone), I’ve not been able to pay for my custom, and I’ve been using the St2 custom I made back in December. 2 nights ago, on a whim, I chose to listen to 2 loops back to back. It definitely had an effect the next day.
I noticed I was tired the next morning. Nothing overbearing, but I rarely feel tired on SC subs. And yesterday I also experienced something I experienced a single day on St1. I was working in a familiar community; I’ve lived in this area most of my life. I suddenly realized I didn’t recognize my area. It took about 30 minutes before I realized this, as I just wondered if I’d not been in this area in a while.
And I was reading a post of @Hermit’s in a recent thread about how the I Am module eradicates one’s personality essentially so one can build on a clean slate. This caught my attention while I compared it to me feeling lost in the neighborhoods above.
I think DR is removing my emotional connections I’ve held to, which were inherently negative. Every time I’d be in this area, I’d drift back to childhood times of being young, poor, and powerless. Maybe @Hermit’s assessment was right. DR is wiping out some negative “norms”. I even looked up the modules I’d put in it since it felt like Attachment Destroyer. But I’d not put it in there.
I did 2 loops last night again.
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I think this is exactly the same thing that has happened to me. I have forgotten many things, since there is no emotional connection anymore. The past feels like it happened to someone else.
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