That’s what happened to me. No fight, no fuss, and no fear, which is why this shocked me. Makes me more excited for rest days now.
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Seems that they really have found something this time.
Yeah. For real. Reminds me of my old subliminal vendor who had us not being aware of every emotional conflict while on healing subs. That was a beautiful gift to experience since future plans weren’t riddled with fears of being around people.
I’m wondering if @Fire set this up similarly. I’ll see what happens today, my first imput day. Listening now
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I chose to listen to Love Bomb solo this morning before going to work. I noticed people were esteeming me while we worked on a group project, and I remember feeling undeserving of it. The attention was what I’d been trying to avoid, but I reflected back to other times in my life when I was suddenly “on stage”, and I accepted it better. I wasn’t really fighting it directly.
Got home an hour ago and listened to my custom St1 V1. I’ve been using V2 before this, but I desired Iron Frame and Chosen of Venus (due to its aura).
I’ll do the same tomorrow. Ultimas don’t require as much mental processing, and listening to DR in the evenings allows more processing. Plus LB just feels good and adds some nice feel-good for the day.
Wondering if I should trade out Chosen of Venus for Love Bomb (for a custom, not an Ultima)? I’ll be ordering in the next few days.
And lastly, it was after work, I was in my work uniform, and I went to Walmart. While walking out, this one woman was looking at me as she was walking towards me, and she held eye contact. I held it too, but I turned away after a few seconds. Does the LB aura shine even if we’re tired and not too social–and even 10 hours later?
This is my current module list for St2
- Dragon Reborn St2
- Stress Displacement
- Negative Energy Transmutation
- Ares
- Sanguine
- Limit Destroyer
- Inner Voice
- Solitude
- Temperance
- Eye of the Storm
- Growth Through Pain
- Negativity Displacer
- Chosen of Venus
- Iron Frame
- GLM
- Rebirth
- Omnidimensional
- Deus
- Mosaic
Is this too much?
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Why not wait until the end of ST4 before doing customs?
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Basically, I had some issues come up in the stock St1 V1. Like it began scraping away my diversions from long standing issues, one being I noticed people were negging at me, and I have not had much success negging back without me becoming just too damn serious. I’d hid that all my life, so I never had to shoot back. I usually just laughed with them. I felt like shit shortly. So I asked Fire about making a custom St1, and he advised adding Iron Frame, Growth Through Pain, and Pride Unbroken.
This St2 list was modeled after @friday’s emotional healing sub he called PhoenixQ. Taking the stress off of me is a major reason I’ve included the 3 stress/negativity modules in there. I noticed yesterday that daily, constant stress in ANY activity makes me look for other options. I’ve noticed Iron Frame pop up a few times, and it was such a relief for me. I’m desiring to be much more comfortable this round, given what I’m digging into.
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I think so. But I think it works better when I’m not tired.
I think this should work. Might want to get @Fire’s input if he advised you before.
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Thanks @RVconsultant. I pm’d him about it yesterday.
Now, on today’s experiences, I’m trying to figure it out. Did Love Bomb solo this morning, and finished my DR loop half an hour ago.
I didn’t have troubles with LB. Well, that’s not true. I had old trauma-based thoughts and memories hanging on the entire day. I found people approaching me consistently at work. But an old fear of being hurt kept pulling me back. At least a dozen coworkers waved to me during the day, and 2 I remember barely waving back, as both workers responded like I was rejecting them. It was some old fear saying “No, no NO!!”
And it’s been alive the whole day. I noticed it here since I’d consider replying to someone, and my emotional self I felt withdrawing.
(Just left this for 20 minutes to get a shower. I had a realization)
I think I’m seeing what’s going on. Yeah. I used to use subs by a vendor who laid out everything for us. We had to line ourselves up with the sub for it to work effectively since it stated all things as fact. They worked for me. What came to my attention while showering is I’m in charge of my direction on DR, and my mind keeps trying to put someone else in to decide my direction. That’s my little boy mindset, and I used it daily until I began with SC in late 2018. It was how I remained in that immature mindset so long.
And every one of my relationships has been based off that, whether it’s family or friends. The 2 guys waving to me today had me both fearing and desiring them to lead…god, that’s weak. But I’m also feeling a bit freer than in days prior. I’m creating something new, and it’s building desire and simultaneously awakening fears.
What’s my fear? I used to use the helpless victim mindset so people would fill this gap for me–it encouraged me being “nice”. Yet a part of me today was silently resentful at people wanting my attention since my default reactions don’t work anymore. I was fearful of acting like a dick ONLY since I was scared of them knowing how weak I actually felt. I had weak (and confusing) boundaries up, and I felt uncertain of how to handle myself. I hid in staying busy since that looked like strength. That was my day.
I did one loop of Elixer, and I feel grounded again.
I’m glad mate!
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I’m desiring to write, and I had a unique experience yesterday since I’ve been on subliminals.
The small recon hangover from using LoveBomb two days ago was active yesterday. Nothing fierce, but I noticed something early on. I realized I had not been engaging with the one female coworker. I realized I had been avoiding her, and this was rather new to me. I thought about it, for something was going on in me.
I could feel the beliefs and scars I have carried all my life towards my mother. She wasn’t kind, loving, available, or happy in any way most of the time. Most of the time she was just a recluse. That’s a cold look of her. It’s also the one I’ve held to, keeping me in some immature mentality.
I noticed a strong yet subtle repulsion when I was around women yesterday. My normal motive to seek their attention (for acceptance and possible love) felt painful to me. I know I dodged a few women’s eyes yesterday. A weird truth here is I realized it was good this was coming up. My “mommy strings” have influenced every major choice in life. I say this next sentence now, as I’d never thought of it until I began writing. It’s time to let this go.
I ran my first loop of St2 last night, the St2 custom I built in December. I passed on it this morning but listened to LoveBomb instead. I’ve not heard back from Fire yet, so I’ve not ordered my custom yet.
Looking forward, this is changing me, changes I’ve wanted for years.
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You’re having a lot of deep insights over the past 2 months.
Celebrate mate!
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Thanks RV. I’m enjoying some down time now after working a half-day today.
Listening to St2 now.
Was undecided about today being a sub rest day. I felt freer this morning, and as I went and began reading posts, the issue of transferring to V2 came up for me. I got pumped and considered Emperor, then Stark, then DR St2, anything in V2. I chose Elixer V2 since I realized I keep looping back on old memories and their associations. I’ve been noticing me hanging on to old mental hideouts, and I’m wishing to rechannel that energy elsewhere.
I was in no mental mandate to conquer anything. This is due to some subconscious processing that seems to be coming more conscious. Like remembering feelings in dreams and paying attention to what’s really drawing me in. It could be Information Releaser, which is in my St2 custom which I built in December–2 loops in the last 2 days. (wondering about putting it in my V2 St2 custom)
That really could be it. For future reference, I’ll compare the mentalities, both past and present.
Past: focusing heavily on sharing what’s “popular”, stimulating, all based on avoiding rejection by others. I’ve heavily tried to avoid that in my writing. Basically, it’s a mentality stuck in fear, wondering 1. how I’ll ever get out (a pessimistic outlook), or 2. how I’ll perpetually avoid, avoid, and keep avoiding those changes and challenges in life.
Present, right now: My mind keeps returning to a series I got into last night about a young horse trainer facing some challenges like meeting her father finally, dealing with dating and friend relationships, etc. Plus how she (or I, since I’m pasting myself in that environment) would handle the financial challenges of running a business based on loving others and their animals using my God-given gifts. I’ve never had such a lifestyle, but the emotional honesty and courage is VERY ATTRACTIVE.
Here’s something IMPORTANT: When I look back, all I see is fear. All I feel is fear too. In the last day, something else is seeking my attention, and it’s not at all a facade. It’s looking into my possible future and present. What’s different is–again–it’s not a facade. I’m still allowing it and processing it.
Major changes are going on internally.
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I’m listening to a Celtic vocal track on YT. I’ve had it on an hour already. I just got out of the shower and began seeing something.
I used to mentally hide in music, whether I created it or I was just listening. What I noticed is my mental “box” where only music and its fantasies were is going away.
Many times using SC subs, I’ve shared songs which hit me in a spot…but the spot I reserved mentally (or desired to reserve) just didn’t hang around–any good fantasy becomes “reality” if overused–thus its attraction will fade.
And I’ve not been listening to any music all weekend except for the Celtic playlist.
I’d been thinking of a video I watched where a doctor shared that watching TV does not use your frontal cortex, and people who live with it on all the time seem to wait for orders or directions since our frontal cortex leads us in survival matters. TV hypnotizes (me), I’ve lived in that fantasy world, and I don’t have a TV now–haven’t for 9 years now since it takes my drive and imagination away. I even turned off my show last night about the horse trainer since I realized “everything’s fine in this world”. I realized my brain was going to sleep, so I turned it off (after 5 or 6 episodes, mind you).
So, like many have said while on DR, I’m losing my connections to old realities. I even turned off YT 10 minutes into writing this. Something in it bothered me (I spent a LOT of time in front of the tube growing up. I was nurtured by the system)
Being on DR feels good compared to hoping in a fantasy. Plus, SC is giving me real survival tools. Thriving tools too. I listened to Emperor QV2 today, and I noticed good changes.
Turning this damn thing off now.
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I made a good choice. I had put Information Releaser in my St2 custom I made in December, and I had a dream I remembered. Note: I rarely, rarely, almost never remember my dreams. This is awesome to me.
I was in a 2 story house in summer somewhere. Some other families were there. It seemed like an inn since it was just an overnight stay. In the dream, I feared these “loving familes” were talking about me, and like in real life, I was looking for it. (not critical, but I realize I look for what I’ve seen in the past).
Some young college students were around goofing off. I got in my vehicle and began backing out of the parking loop with some kids their age inside, and I noticed a car laying on its roof, like it’d rolled. It was a hilly area, so that made sense–and irl I live in flat land.
Well, next I saw a towtruck pull into the parking loop, and since I’d actually dismissed the rolled car (things like this happen in dreams all the time, right?), it puzzled me for a moment. I was a little embarrassed when I realized I was in his way.
Here’s real-life application. First, I was feeling fearful of being made fun of by the college students in my vehicle, so I was in a normal groove of “I might fuck up” and actually do just that. But when I accelerated backwards quickly, I went exactly where I wanted to. I felt like “I did it!” That stuck with me.
In real life, I often give others power over me when I seek their approval. Some will make a negative assumption of how I’ll perform, and I can, and have, lived down to it. It’s an ugly pit to be in where anyone’s negativity can dictate my behavior.
In fact, I’m still barely grasping my success in the dream. Like @COWolfe in his recent posting, I didn’t think I would or could succeed. This is my first of 2 rest days. I’ll sit on this one (also still feeling like succeeding was against my own standard, my “safe” norm–sheeeesh)
I did add Information Releaser to my custom last night. I also replaced Chosen of Venus with Blue Skies since I am seeking self-love, which Blue Skies mentions specifically.
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Why, of all subs here, does Emperor get me pissed off at others the most?
This is my second rest day, I listened to one loop of Emp QV2 on Sunday, then one loop of Emp4 maybe an hour after that. And I realized Emperor was activating all day today, specifically since I was making mental plans for long term investments. Emperor’s the only sub I’ve used lately with financial scripting, and this happened last month using just Emp4.
Returning to my starting question, I had texted my 16yo daughter Sunday, asking her something about my trip up there in May. No reply. I’ve been bothered by it, but not until this evening, with Emperor activating in my head, did I actually feel I had to make a stand. I texted her saying I was questioning my trip up there since she never replies (until I contact her mom. She replies quickly then). I’m tired of feeling disrespected. And me giving back good after being ignored repeatedly is not something I want to model. It pisses me off.
What button is it pushing? My biggest issue is with abandonment. Scared to share this as a father, but I feel like I’m desiring to give it back. That sounds…no, it is immature.
But I’m the one’s who’s ALLOWED it. I’ll have to wait until I’m calmer so I don’t burn bridges. Being “nice” here is pissing me OFF.
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I listened to Emp QV2 this morning instead of DR. Will listen to DR this evening.
Emp does push me to change things in my life. In fact, I remember me starting the thread on the Nice Guy mentality, and I asked what sub or subs would help eliminate it. Emperor was the first and most cited sub. Yesterday I felt that. As I sit here, I realize that mentality has been a block I’ve held to to not grow up, not face harsh realities, and the list can go on.
Amazing. I clearly feel it as I sit here. Like I feel like a kid hiding behind some flimsy wall, but I’m imagining my protection is “real”. In recovery circles, they call it “denial”. Living in fantasies. Ignoring reality and its consequences.
I also felt that small sting of abandonment just now too. Likely why being nice was chosen. Yeah. thinking back to reading only some of “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, the author said nice guys’ main reason for doing this was universal: not being abandoned.
Which is why I’m using DR. Avoiding abandonment infects and infests a lot of my relationships. People sense it, some play along, but others don’t. I’m seeing this more now.
I never planned on dealing with this directly
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You starting to feel empowered and valued with Emperor. Not replying is a sign of disrespect and Emperor is showing you that. That’s my guess.
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