By using the custom, you might be TRYING to avoid growth, but it won’t work.
My guess is that it’s feeling a bit less dramatic because of the name embedding and you’re actually progressing as fast or faster than you would on the stock version.
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In the next few hours, DR Qv2 will become available.
It will replace BOTH these options – at least for a few days.
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Good point @Simon.
You might want to try V2 and see if it works better. Then I’d upgrade my custom if it did. Get the best of both worlds.
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Thanks guys. I’d thought of using v.2 when it came out. And looking at yesterday’s post, I was seeking to admit and possibly weaken that lingering resistance and fear of the unknown. This last week, DR moved into my old feelings of shame, something which effectively kept me and my family… out of the fight to grow–in every part of life. It scared me, and I was whining. So thanks for the encouraging words. 
I’m listening to v.2 now. I’ll share any noticeable changes at the end of the day.
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I’m eagerly awaiting my upgraded custom to be finished. I’m interested to see what this does for you.
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1st day using DR St1 v.2. One loop this morning. I had one major manifestation and one big life awarenss.
A new, young temp worker showed up this morning, and our manager had him with me all day doing scheduled pickups throughout the county. Very easy-going, eager to learn, and a low maintenance guy all around.
Well, during lunch he got into a heated phone discussion with someone, and my worker was attempting to put his foot down. It sounded like a family member or close friend, and he was demanding they start making different choices. I listened since we were both having lunch in the truck, and I picked up that he was talking to a woman. (His mother?)
Shortly after he got off the phone, he talked. And…I needed to listen. He was talking to his fiance since she had been getting drunk daily for weeks now. He said she wasn’t like this when they got together 2 years earlier, but she had been getting sauced daily now.
I shared I could relate, as my mom had been an alcoholic. He said both his parents were. I empathized and shared the biggest pain I had growing up: feeling so powerless. He quickly said that was exactly what he felt. Just so powerless.
Our conversation didn’t last too long, as he aired his burden a little, and I took his silence after this seriously.
I had begun to swim in my old reality, and I felt panicked briefly. That used to be my daily existence growing up, and strangely enough, I had fantasies of going back to that time period (“I could handle it NOW!”…errr). However, I’d stepped into the “powerless” mindset again, and thus, the internal panic ensued.
Then something clicked, as I’d been seeing fruit of it all day. When I feel afraid and powerless, I realize I ask noone for help. I’d felt vulnerable to my super’s criticisms, and I imagined he was shit-talking me to the managers. Combine this with me dismissing the need to gas up our truck this morning, and instead of calling a manager, I spent $20 of my own money to avoid an (imagined) interrogation. I had the company gas card, but I’d have lost 45 minutes to find a station I could use the company card with. (Am I avoiding conflict? That’s all I was doing)
In short, I stepped into my worker’s mindset, noticed my own was similarly active, I tried to swim freely in it, and it bogged me down. Essentially, I was hiding in broad daylight hoping to avoid an imagined tongue-lashing. Sounds like my childhood.
That’s shit I still live with, and his reality awakened mine. Listening to Rebirth now. I considered Elixer, but stuck with my original direction.
P.S. I actually opened the door early on. Earlier in the morning, the subject of avoiding responsibilities and consequences came up, and I shared that while I’d never been an alcoholic or addict, I’d been in hundreds of AA meetings. I admitted it felt good hearing people make different decisions, especially when they’d normally just hid or avoided real life. I was trying to make him feel at ease (his first day with us), and he chose to have that conversation with her with me in earshot.
My stomach’s still tied up, and I’ve not felt this in a very long time. Unsure how I could release it …and haven’t asked anyone for help either. I never did when I was younger. I’m not powerless here, but I am seeing (imagining) me being invisible in a crowd of people. Owww… the message I remember and feel is “I’m not wanted”. Have I ever asked for help??? I’ll think about that answer. It feels like it’s tied to pain. Out for now.
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I think this might be part of the DR process. I’m thinking it might have something to do with re-setting emotions.
@Leandros mentioned he was experiencing something like this too.
As for all your other insights, it can get overwhelming. And the synchronicities of what you’re healing and what happens around you (with others) can be almost surreal.
Hang in there man! There are over 40 other Dragons on this journey with you too!
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One loop St1 v.2 this morning
One loop of Elixer v2 finished 30 minutes ago
I took off of work today after yesterday. And it’s only hit me in the last 10 minutes. I’ve had no tears, nor breakthroughs so far. I’ve had that semi-tight belly this morning, pointing to something that’s itching to come out. And my awareness of it has come and gone.
It hit me just minutes ago. I felt a deep sadness coupled with the host of fantasies I use to make life more palatable. My limiting belief that “I can’t survive without these illusions” isn’t so strong…but.
It’s like I’ve trained myself to agree with blatant lies in my life. By agreeing, I avoid re-traumatizing myself, almost all of which is imagined. Being “good, nice, and compliant” has kept me from reliving that trauma each and every day.
Something’s letting go of my gut during this writing, and I’m unsure why. I’ve hid behind lies intentionally all my life. But something’s dropping off. I’m not sure what.
This is a challenge for me. Being honest has seemed to be my biggest challenge.
I was reading an email, and its core solution to handling shame is the opposite of where I’ve felt tempted to go lately, which is to be honest. And he wrote exactly about that. I’ve been feeling old shame, and my most used escape is… lie, lie, lie.
Yesterday, I know I initiated the honest conversation with my temp worker since I wasn’t on trial and facing personal judgements. If I start with honesty, it usually makes the next step easier. Which is why I opened up. Something I did not share in that post was a sudden rush to tears I felt after sharing of my AA history in the morning time. I didn’t cry. I pushed it back. But that was the ONLY thing I felt uncomfortable with while sharing. However, from where I’m at now, I held back my truth. I didn’t want to scare him. But that pain I still feel now.
This story centers on the shame he felt when his young daughter asked him if he’d looked at porn himself. He shared:
Did I lie and avoid the painful embarrassment of admitting to my daughter that I had struggled with porn for nearly most of my life?
Or did I drink the same juice I had been peddling the last several years that shame was an enemy we all needed to deny and not buy into?
I’m facing those fears of being honest now, since feelings come up daily. Simply, I hide a lot from relationships since I lie a lot to myself and others. And I didn’t share this because of porn. I shared it since I’m facing being honest with myself and others. I’ve owned too much shame. And I’m finally crying now, just now, letting some go.
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Very good article.
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Ok, I tested myself yesterday. I’m writing since I’m tempted to hide this, and that reading above prompts me to share. I tend to encourage shame by keeping secrets.
No DR this morning. I’m listening to Rebirth currently since I did 2 loops of DR yesterday. And since DR v2 is clearing out more stuff, I read something yesterday of a darker nature. I watched a DollarVigilante video about the Illuminati, and it linked a CIA document about the 13 main families in it. I opened it and read a few hours throughout the day.
Why would I do this? I’ve never looked into this before. Never. I knew it had demonic connections all through it, so why?
I felt stronger and braver yesterday morning. The writer was a Christian himself, so his message itself was not so negative. His report shared his values and even pain at times since all of the group’s activities are purposely hidden from the public.
And this morning something clicked for me. I’ve been sitting in a lot of shame lately, and its message is “you’ll never change. Fear is all you have”. But DR is doing some rapid, deep work. I’m sensing that message is not true. (could be Rebirth too)
I keep avoiding what I’m afraid to write. Me reading that yesterday was me walking up to something I’ve had major fears of, and I wasn’t locked up in fear while reading. I didn’t read the entire document, and I even wondered about myself a few times. This morning I realized I wanted to walk right into my fears to see what they’re made of. I think a core of some fears is being challenged. I know it’s true since my reaction is not fear-based, but calm and reassuring.
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Ever since starting v2 of DR St1, I’ve felt out of my norm. Even writing hasn’t felt comfortable. I’m not comfortable now.
Realizing I think I should be specific and direct, and my better writing is done without hanging on fiercely. Listening to DR now, and it’s picking at things touched previously on St1 v.1.
Looking closer, I’m sitting here feeling like I’m seeking my brother again. Like if my writing wasn’t appealing, my brother would leave. <-- That’s it.
Something relevant to this now is I’m putting my supervisor in this big brother role. Just looking honestly,
- I’ve felt that old desire for support (nothing ever spoken)
- He’s a company yes man, so he’s never satisfied. Never happy.
- Acts like he knows what I’ll do next constantly. Fuck that arrogance.
- The biggest thing–he’s emotionally checked out. I find myself fighting with him in my head when driving since nothing’s ever good enough.
I’ve been making myself very unhappy, and making him my reason for it.
This begs the question “what do I really want from him? What do I expect from him?”
A question I’ve never written: would I really want this? Thinking like this gives him all the power–a very unhappy spot. I’m taking it back, a piece at a time.
Rest day today
I’ve been reading threads this morning, and I saw something in me which I’ve not noticed before. One writer was feeling discouraged, and he kept moving on. He was stuck with it a few days and kept on writing about it.
The difference in his actions vs. mine in that is I’ve kept looking back, whereas he wasn’t fully comfortable doing so yet (early in his journal). This clicked. I keep looking back, hoping I can change something in that memory. I have no laid out plan, I only have had a strong desire to change something in me, like a perception. Knowing we do that when traumatized, I keep looking for resolution or self-forgiveness in it. I’ve never seen this. I feel like my emotional awareness is slightly detached, so at the present I keep looking at the back of that house when younger.
I know I’ve never been in this spot for that time period. It’s a good kind of melancholy, feeling like I’m heading to actual relief.
It’s got me seeing why I avoid connecting closely with people. That point stuck since I’ve got to go out and do my weekend chores. Fears can rise up since I keep seeing myself isolating–and there’s an internal tension I’m very aware of.
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I just read @COWolfe’s journal since he had a dream showing him his own perfectionistic standards. I replied to him.
Fearing rejecting myself is why I hold back from posting a lot. When my own demands on me quiet down, I often write a lot more.
“But this is only a forum. Why does that matter? Don’t you have any friends in real life?”
No. None that I hold close. The very fears of not being acceptable here are fully alive in real life, each and every day. I saw a coworker at Walmart today, I really admire something in him (he was in numerous military tours in the early 2000’s, and he’s shared some honest truths with me of his experiences). I saw him today with a young niece of his (~3 years old) at checkout, and I left without saying much to him since she was a full-time job for him. But part of me feared…(abandonment), and I left without farewell. I felt like I was abandoning him.
What I’m starting to see is what I’ve pointed at in others.
“He’s not happy. Not a nice guy”
“I smelled fear in her words”
“He/she is emotionally unavailable”
I’m seeing myself failing my own standards, the same ones I judge in others. I’m in that spot where the wound has been open a while, more might need to come out–but FUCK–I’m facing the possibility of rejecting myself if I admit the truth (my old belief is set up like that). That’s why I’ve kept it inside for decades.
All I can do is sit with this. No subs today. —dammit, I’m so fricken used to running away from this–using anything available. Even subs sometimes. I’m seeing some good out of me overdoing it yesterday since my head still feels overcooked. It’s a major reason why I’ve not jumped on Rebirth.
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2nd full rest day
Summing up my day, I’m wondering…
“Did this REALLY happen?” Considering how my mind has been hovering around old memories, feelings, and associations, today seemed miraculous compared to a lot of yesterdays.
Here’s what happened. This was my 2nd full rest day, and in many times in the past, I’d cheat with an Ultima or smaller sub, mostly to distract me from what I didn’t want to face. Today, I didn’t. I’d read @Sub.Zero’s recent post on taking advantage of the rest days, and I wished to induce some execution. I didn’t have any BIG outside moments or revelations.
I have realized some things inside were definitely different. And I didn’t see this until the end of my work day. What sticks out is my imagined dependence on other’s approval isn’t active. I feel comfortable in my own skin and in my own routine. What’s probably very normal is…I’ve been thinking about this for days. Like I’d sit in it for a minute or two, and I’d slink back to feeling weak and unable to stand up for myself. A movie I watched yesterday brought this up (unexpectedly), and today–it didn’t hold me. I was in my own space, working with another guy, and I wasn’t defensive AT ALL. I didn’t notice anything while it was happening. I just felt GOOD today mostly.
I’ll share one thing which caught my attention, and I’m documenting it for comparison in the future. I was thinking of all this while driving home. And when I arrived at the door to my place, I felt bad suddenly. I think I’ve been actively lying to myself when home. Meaning I have actively looked for a lie or fantasy to live in. Lying stresses me and makes me sad. It hurts me. I believe this will change in time as well.
I don’t think I’ve ever been here, not holding up numerous shields and disguises. This is definitely working for me 
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One thing I’m noticing about V2 is it kind of sneaks up on you. Sounds like that’s what happened to you. Also, for that day, you weren’t focusing on the things you don’t want.
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True! I felt good most of the day, I expected it to diminish sooner, yet I kept searching for positive things mentally. It was quite unusual, and I liked it a whole bunch!
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Yeah. I’ve been thinking about this. Execution is as smooth as the listening mode. Where execution on V1 can be bumpy at times, it “snuck up” this time. I’ll definitely be getting my St2 custom in V2.
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I found that with previous versions, it would give me the thought of executing and I’d do it. Sometimes. With this, I just do it without a thought then wonder what just happened.
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