SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#591

Correct, but you are not subtle in doing it. I have come to realize that is your style, but still… diplomacy is a useful skill sometimes. Try PCC. :wink:

I personally agree with the point you’re trying to get across, which is that there comes a point when the game won’t teach you much more, and real life may be a better teacher.

Cashflow taught me that things like mortgages are a liability and not an asset and definitely something to get rid of. It also taught me that there’s something to gain from taking a risk by taking out loans to buy assets that end up paying the loans. Even though I haven’t actually implemented that lesson. And between the game and Kiyosaki’s other works I learned a lot. He was the first step on my money-literacy journey.

Something I would like to add is that even Saint with his success and insane productivity, planning out his entire life, still recommends we take some time to chill and recreate. Heck, he went to quite some lengths to get a PlayStation 5 when it released. Plus, I’d say there are worse games (or ways to recreate) than a game designed to make people more money-literate.

Also consider we are all at a different point in our growth. Maybe you are an investment mogul. SubGuy isn’t. Yet. Neither am I, even though it annoys the heck out of me I missed the insane amounts of profit I could have made when COVID hit the markets early last year. I know, evil, right?

So respect that SubGuy may not be quite ready to go big on the investments as he’s still in the process of changing his mindset.

I will honor the flag and remove your post. I’m not big on censoring, but this is SubGuy’s journal and as far as I’m concerned, he’s allowed to curate its content.

PS SubGuy there’s a game called TimeFlow that does something similar. As the title indicates, instead of focusing on the cash, it focuses more on how to spend the time in the day. It is brutal. Ending up with two accidental kids and an alcohol addiction while trying to keep a job and getting a degree is no fun…

8 Likes
#592

@remarkable,

Stay off my thread.

#593

I have two, actually – one for myself and one for the lady. We regularly play games to unwind after a long day, or even as a date night. We just got finished playing the Outriders demo and we’re looking forward to it’s release on Wednesday.

That being said, I just posted the other day about respecting everyone’s journey. What @remarkable said isn’t outright wrong, but again – allow @subliminalguy to walk his journey the way he pleases. If your advice isn’t immediately accepted, then back off. Like SubliminalGuy said, there’s nothing “alpha” about being overly aggressive on a forum. If he doesn’t want your advice, remarkable, just let it go.

That being said: @subliminalguy, playing Cashflow is an amazing educational experience, but as someone who actively buys securities and other investments, the one thing it doesn’t teach you is the pressure involved when buying, selling, investing, etc. When I played the stock simulators, I was turning $1500 into $25k, easily. When I started trading with real money, I lost $2000 VERY QUICKLY by investing too much into a risky stock (HMNY / Moviepass, if anyone remembers that debacle) and after I lost that money, I became paranoid and began changing my trading habits. Patterns that normally did well for me, I ignored and played it very safe. At the end of the day, I ended up getting spooked and stopped trading. Only recently have I started back again. I was quite frustrated, since I “trained” on simulators and games for an entire year, only to make a bad decision and lose everything.

Interesting enough, that partially led to the creation of SubliminalClub, because I wanted an opportunity where I had much more control over the inputs and outputs, but that’s another story.

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#594

Hmm,just curious.Have you tried the new game it takes two by hazelight studios?Would be a great co op game for a date night

#595

You guys should play A Way Out. My dad and I really enjoyed it.

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#596

Yep,that was a good game too.It takes two is by the same studio

#597

I don’t think Saint’s idea was to start discussing games here, guys. Nor was mine. We were simply saying that there should be room for recreation in even the most productive of lives.

Let’s all lean back and wait for SubGuy to journal-post again.

3 Likes
#598

Gotcha @DarkPhilosopher. I had just finished this when you replied. :wink:

Thanks for chiming in Saint. The main reason I’ve grown so angry at him is I stated I was active in various projects, but it was ignored (my first reply to him), and like an OCD bully, began harping on his own “truth” about me. Suddenly I was only playing a game and hiding in it.

Ignorant people bother me greatly.

And something big hit me last night. I responded originally with a question coming from a softer place in my heart. Bullies have walls up to protect them, so I thought I’d be much more human with him. Unexpectantly, I grew angrier and angrier within an hour. This caught my attention.

As I thought of all the possible exchanges, what surfaced were…memories of my brother. He tended to stick to his unfounded views similarly–and I’d routinely dismissed my own anger. I did this since young childhood, and I still do it. I realized I was playing the same role here, and not being heard was happening again. I had not known how much suppressed anger I had towards my brother.

I PM’d someone here about it last night, and my last statement was a realization that this is probably some healing manifestation. All I know is it uncovered a root which keeps me distant from men in my life. Having fear that I’d vomit anger at caring individuals has held me back again and again from maintaining relationships with men in real life. I’ve lost a lot of time hiding from good relationships because they’re out there.

Just wanted to share that.

Thanks for all you and @Fire do here. Your subs are changing me, a piece at a time.

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#599

I’m finding I’ve been angry around others since that exchange went down, and something came to me in my gut, not in my head. I know this is true. I realized it an hour ago.

What I realized is that I really think I’m less than others–and I hide it daily by trying to appear better, smarter, or even happier than others. If you threaten my front, I’ll get really angry and come back clawing at you (with words, my main tool), or more commonly, I’ll avoid you completely. I’ve felt like shit about that. I’m constantly either 1. trying to be better than you in words or ideas, or 2. I totally avoid you since you probably smell my bullshit. Which is why I “hide” here in my thread most of the time. I view most men as threats to my front, so I’m primarily a wallflower. I rarely reach out–I don’t want you to know I’m lying.

I’m wanting to flee now. The other “craftier” side of me wanted to say something that would make me believe “I’m better, so distance is good”. Mind fuckery. I do this every day. DR is making this uncomfortable though, which is why I’m sharing.

In my mind, I’m seeing myself in a courtroom, knowing I’m going to be judged and found guilty. I’m unwilling to look up, and I’m not seeking anyone’s eyes since I’ve practiced deceit. I’m just trying to survive in my own little space, pushing everyone away. I do this.

This may be subtle recon too. I listened to 2 loops this morning, and I was still a little off emotionally most of the day from truths that emerged since that exchange. It just doesn’t feel like recon. It’s felt like DR is digging at a rock foundation I’ve used and relied on my whole life.

2 Likes
#600

I get this. This is the essence of what I’ve been struggling with most of my life as well. It’s good that you realize it.

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#601

Gotta leave for work, but am going to drop this quickly. No subs this morning, by choice.

I’d read of people using Rebirth v.2 lately, and I listened to one loop last night while writing that last post. This morning…spontaneous crying spurts…just random releases.

I keep seeing myself sliding down a rocky mountain, trying to find solid ground…but I keep sliding. I’ve been living on Mt. Normal, a mountain of my own making. It’s the structure I’ve sat on my whole life, and I have a mix of emotions as it’s coming down.

I’ve really, really discounted Rebirth.

Just heard in my head “when can we be normal again?”

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#602

I was just going to recommend a rest day for you. Maybe 2 or 3.

#603

I’m just going to write.

Lately, I’ve felt an inner pull away from coming here to seeking permission and acceptance from people. The same’s been happening at work. It’s not flipped to “FU!”, I’m just resistant to putting myself into well-practiced self-hurting behaviors. It’s not about others at all. Something’s changing in me.

I don’t even know what to write.

I’ve been planning my St2 custom for DR.
I’ve been using Rebirth U v2 lately. I noticed some manifestation after the first loop, so I’ve continued it.

And an old feeling of pain and shame just came up. Shame is linked with me hiding it; I’ve used movies and food to hide a lot. I’m not gonna dig, just writing, sharing.

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#604

I just had a feeling, and I’ve got to name it.

I thought of PMing someone here. I noticed something, and it pulled me back. I realized I had this desire in me which was expecting him to understand and sympathize with me. It was clearly my expectation of him, so I pulled back. It’s very unfair to expect anyone to carry my pain or fear, and moreso since I notice me seeking that out in others, almost indiscriminately. 99% of this is unspoken.

This is how I’ve “not grown up”. Me putting my burdens on you (anyone) means I can go around avoiding consequences for my life choices since “he did it”, and not me. It fosters self-pity. Yuck. That’s childish thinking, and I’m growing weary trying to dodge responsibility for it.

Tagging @Fire in case he’s making a module for eliminating the victim mentality.

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#605

I went through a stretch where I just couldn’t keep up or comprehend what was happening in my subconscious. I admire you for continuing to journal to make sense of it!

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#606

Thanks RV. I, too, have pulled back from documenting everything I feel or experience. I do this since me writing it was my way of holding on to it. Like I was seeking for something to not change constantly.

But we are on DR. Things change constantly, even daily.

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#607

Interesting. For me, writing it out is a way of fully understanding it, and for some reason that seems important for me to be able to let it go. Once I really GET IT, and know why I have an issue, it stops being a problem.

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#608

@COWolfe, I began replying last night, writing 3 paragraphs, but I felt wordy and avoidant of something, so I deleted it. Glad I did so now. Something’s in the way.

Something’s been off in me. It’s got some shame attached to it, which is what I’ve buried over and over again in my life. I don’t know what’s bothering me, or more accurately, I’ve not wanted to know.

I’ve felt this last week like I’m in very unfamiliar territory.

My old way: feel the shame and pain. Blame myself for feeling bad. Isolate. And look forward to more lonely isolation since it’d keep me safe. Hide from everything.

And lately: I’ve been imagining myself feeling much more confident, whether I was in a spot crying alone, or if I was socializing with friends. There’s a lot more courage and confidence in these mindsets.

I realize, at this moment, I’m unsure which way I’m going, and I habitually attach shame to myself when I don’t know how to protect myself going forward. Wow!–Just realized “how to protect myself” has been me choosing a mask to hide behind.

I’ve felt old childhood fears lately since masks haven’t been in reach. I’m seeing the root now too. I’ll make another post about this.

2 Likes
#609

I’ve felt shame lately since I blamed myself when my brother left me. I thought he left because he hated me. He’d grown more angry and aggressive with me and others, and all he gave away was pain. I took it personally, owning it completely. No adult ever spoke to me about this. I was alone, or I thought I was. Mom had noone to trust, and this is how I grew up. I was very saddened by it, but I couldn’t share it with others since sharing about my shame-filled family was a personal no-no.

So I went to school, seeking some new way of handling it. However, I was already used to avoiding the limelight. Shame seemed to crawl all over me, and I withdrew more and more. But school’s mostly a social place. I know this was when I first experimented with different masks–or personas.

Something hit my awareness just now. I saw relief at school–away from home. I was internally angry at Mom’s inability to help or to be emotionally available. That PISSED me off–but I’ve never owned it. I just stuffed it. I thought me being angry with her would have her abandon me. ----more??? She never was there emotionally. Her body was there, but no mind and soul.

I thought if I was good (compliant, obedient) she’d favor me. I rarely got attention from her, but I got some through school. I was a “nice guy” to some teachers. It was some attention, but I missed out with peers. I’d feel shame over this, and pulled back more. This remained with me throughout my high school years. I believed the real me was unwanted, so I kept my eyes on performing somewhere (college, work), and also lived with my Mom who seemed to live more and more focused on protecting herself. It was just hiding from life.

What I see is that DR is challenging my old standards for living. Almost every standard involves me hiding or avoiding. Which is why I took the time to write this. A loop of RM yesterday helped me express this. DR is helping me let go. My fingers only have so much will and strength to keep holding on.

Rest day today. More stuff will surface, so I’ll be back.

1 Like
#610

Considering the day I’ve had, I could probably go longer on St1. No, no, no. I’m planning on switching over to St2 in 12 days, April 16. I began my custom St1 on Feb. 16, when I received it. And I’d used the stock St1 a month before getting the custom. So, 3 months total.

I’m wondering something, and I’d like some imput on it. The stock St1 hit me harder than my custom…and I’m even questioning that since I’ve gone back and been reading my journal. I was bouncing around with 3-4 loops for a while in my first month. It shook my shit up, I was scared, and I pulled off DR for a month. I came back and ordered my custom St1 with it focusing on fear and a healthy mindset.

I’ve stayed on one loop with my custom, and fewer major wake-up calls have happened. It seems to dig and prod steadily, encouraging me to hand over the painful habits and beliefs I’ve held to vs. it ripping them out of my hands. I can work with that.

I’m wondering if I may be avoiding some good experiences on the stock version, seeing as I used Ascension when I arrived in 2018. I had quite some memorable experiences, and I allowed that single sub to make changes in my self belief and mindset. I’m concerned I’m trying to avoid some major growth by adding a ton of modules since…the old fears of change are still active. I’ll keep my ears and eyes open.

I’ve been aware all day how I’ve drifted to “safer” movies, people, and songs. I hid a bit today since I’d done my normal chores before the weekend. Stepping back, living like this–and repeating the behaviors–makes for a small “safe” life.

I know I’m going on since I wanted to whine. I did. Done now. Thanks