SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Woke up early this morning. I’m listening to Love Bomb now. LB added on to DR has me wondering why I’ve not held on to it more. As if love has often seemed scary (it’d make me vulnerable around others). There’s a part of me which is trying to not feel that so strongly.

But I was touched by reading some Love Bomb experiences this morning. Since love’s always been “out there” somewhere, while listening now it’s drawing me in.

More specifically, I’ve used love as an avenue to take from people. Sad, but true, especially while married. A couple of years into marriage, and I felt we had this contractual relationship vs. anything loving. I do this, you do that, and we’ll call it good enough. It felt like cold, uncaring business to me.

Strangely enough, I’m enjoying owning my part here now. Sure she had issues and shortcomings. We both did. I’m realizing as much as I wasn’t giving, neither was she. I was in this marriage group when I was chasing her during our separation, and I learned that all women will naturally and automatically respond when love is given. No woman can resist being loved. When I was loving her those years, she welcomed and trusted me more than at any time during the previous 7 years (I pursued her for 3 years. 10 years married). She chose to leave, and I found peace in letting her make her decision. I’d actually had time to grow myself, and I learned that a woman will respond to being loved.

I mentioned all that since LB puts me in a giving role. This makes me feel good about myself. Giving is so rewarding. Humbling too. It takes my focus off of only myself. It’s preferable.

And I’ve been wondering about future custom mixes. I’m seeing Ultima cores in Q customs now. Makes me go…hmmm.

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Feeling some mental recon this morning. Doing LoveBomb recently stirred up old limits and fears, so this morning I listened to Elixer v2.

I’m in that spot where I’m feeling stuff, and it’s connecting to deeper stuff. It’s old shame. I’m on the edge of crying. I’ve just always hid this, mostly from myself. I’m gonna head out to work. I might run Sanguine.

I know DR can be tough. I felt this way for about 2 months. I just hung in there and now I’m getting the reward of a big healing.

Sounds like a wise idea.

I hope you feel better soon.

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No effing idea why, but I’ve been angrier lately. This is my first rest day, so it’s maybe normal recon due to execution.

I’m seeing things negatively today, but when I realized recon is good (since my norms are being challenged), it gave me hope. It’s often hardest right before a breakthrough.

I’ve actually pulled back from writing since I’m seeing myself whining a lot in my head. Some good change is going on down deep.

This line I’m writing now is changed. I was about to whine about my whining. I’m glad I’m seeing this. Things ARE getting better.

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Good catch!

Yes! Good job on the self-awareness man!

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Thank you @RVconsultant


I’ve got to share this. It’s a big realization, as I’ve seen it over and over again lately, and it came up while replying to RV.

I see that my enthusiasm drops when around men I know. My super, a few coworkers, and even the thought of talking to my brothers depresses me quickly.

I had the same reaction replying to RV, and I see why. When I was growing up, I learned it was easier to pass all my authority to my brothers. We were all clamoring for attention (no father around), I’d leaned on them heavily, but learned I got shot down or dismissed quickly if I challenged their ideas. Giving in seemed to work when young, but going into puberty and female relationships, I was so clueless. Like I’m still doing now at work, I’ve dismissed my own power and authority so it’d be easier for everyone.

When I imagined speaking to RV, I felt that miserable feeling of resignation: “I’ve got to give my power away again”

Isolating makes sense.
I do the same with women. It’s obvious why I’m seeing noone.
My anger presently makes sense. Every frickin place I go, I shit on myself. Why in God’s name would I want to be around people? I’m the sucker in the room DEPENDENT upon your approval. It hurts, and it’s actually starting to piss me off

Let DR keep digging! This has affected me my whole life!

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You are starting to sound like a different person.

Months ago, I think you were feeling more sad and tearful.

Now you are more determined, maybe even angry because you are sick of the shit in your head.

Yes. It stings when people here grow, and I see myself going in circles.

And for a number of months, I’ve seen men standing up for themselves and others, and I sat there trying to sense “why are they doing this?” I felt like a spineless wimp around adults, ashamed and not seeing an answer.

I’ve been touching the reasons as to why lately with DR, little by little. I’d not have seen it had I not been journaling this.

And your comment,

It’s true. I’ve set this same set of low expectations here, and I’ve even done it at work. One veteran manager told me this months back. When he saw me when I first came there, he said he didn’t think I’d make it. He was almost apologetic.

@remarkable said we do things since we get something out of it. He’s correct.

I got special treatment at times.
I pushed away high expectations of me.
I avoided failing by not even trying.
And I’ve held on to this, even today.

I felt some consequences this morning, being dissed by a female manager. And I created this. This, along with seeing connections as to why, is starting to piss me off. I don’t get the “take full responsibility for yourself” mentality yet, but my shit’s becoming more and more uncomfortable. This encourages change. And I’m grateful for that.

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You are definitely growing!

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I’m noticing something. I’m listening to LDU2 currently.

I’ve started making a list of modules for my St2 build, and I’ve been re-reading module descriptions since I’m changing and have had different focuses each week.

I read I AM’s description, and it says “You will also stop defining yourself by your past, present or future, and become able to live in the moment in the fullest expression of you.”

I realize when I focus on the old me, it depresses me. I lived in chains then, so why am I looking back? I’m wishing to answer some questions for myself, yet this morning an anger is growing at this habit of mine.

What have I done when fearful? I’ve looked for some old mental reprieve mostly, and I’ve very rarely tried to change what I can in the present.

This is not working for me anymore. I came here to ask “what can I do?” but my mind is already seeing possible solutions. I’m desiring to change and not be stuck. It looks like LDU pushed some stuff out of the way.

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I listened to Executive this last hour. I was looking for a mental shift. I stepped into one.

I’ve been reading and watching financial articles and videos this morning, and I began thinking of growth periods in the last 4 years. I used to regularly play the Cashflow board game each weekend for hours with 2 friends, but the one who initiated it has stopped all traffic into his house. His wife, a healthy woman, has been utterly paranoid of contagion, so we haven’t met since COVID came about.

And I chose to play it online for 2 games. I played solo, and I really loved being reimmersed in it. I have to face many of my common demons playing that: avoiding risk, choosing to go forward or be idle; many normal life challenges pop up. It feels good walking up to a fear and pushing it aside. I take this game seriously, but it’s a game, and I learn more from failing than anything else. Fear is bullshit in this game.

Something else I love about the game is that it mandates a strategy. I start small, build and buy assets, and use them to turn into long term cashflow. In contrast, I’m used to holding on to thoughts and possible actions a lot IRL. The social blocks I’m starting to be much more aware of. I’m not seeing everything, but I notice my attention is on some things I’ve avoided.

I’m going to play some more.

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Instead of playing a game why don’t you start doing it in real life?

What is stopping you?

Ok, it is possible you don’t know what to do, after all, the game teaches you to buy assets and not spunk your money away on shit but doesn’t teach you how to buy assets in real life.

Every time you get paid immediately save some. It doesn’t matter where, in a piggy bank, under the mattress or in a bank a/c but you save it and only live on the remainder. If the remainder is not enough you simply go hungry or miss a car payment or something.

After a few pay periods start using some of this saved money to ACTUALLY BUY ASSETS. Your bank will have some sort of all market mutual fund they sell, and obviously it won’t be a particularly good investment but you have to start somewhere and at least this gets you taking action.

Playing the game any more is simply going to be a waste of your time and quite frankly you would be better doing a few hours of overtime to boost your pay instead.

Thanks for sharing your knowledge with me @remarkable. It was a valiant effort, but asking questions first would have been much more profitable for both of us.

A lot of assumptions were made. Note: never assume anything. I’ve got my hands into a number of projects right now. Being discreet online is vital, as different assets attract different kinds of people who prey on them.

It’s obvious you’ve never played the game yourself calling it a waste of time. When you’re surrounded by either a lot of real or fake money, you find out what you’re made of. I’ve been in standoff positions before with a player, and I realized going forward “to make a buck” would hurt a lot of people if it were real life, so I chose not to go forward. Similar to the scenes in Wall Street (I think that was the one) where the older ruthless guy was lying to his younger prodigy so he could buy the struggling plant, and sell it covertly to another corporation. All the workers would have been devastated, losing their jobs and the main income source in their small town. I’m not about destroying people to make a dollar.

Doing things just for money isn’t “winning” to me. That kills people’s hopes and dreams, and I lived with barely either growing up. I played today looking for that kind of challenge to test myself, but it never showed. I also play since I learn a lot about others when playing. One guy went bankrupt quickly, and another played rather hastily, like he was in a major competition. He won, but I don’t play to be God, superhuman, or the shit with money. I enjoy the challenge to grow and learn, (and profit of course) and making over 400k/month (in the game) leaves no desperation. One’s assets are doing all the work, not me with my sweat and time. And that’s a major lesson in the game: use smaller assets to build or buy bigger assets. More assets can mean a lot less work and a whole lot more free time.

Those are good lessons, which is why I’ll still play it.

And lastly, overtime will never, ever, ever make you rich. I did 56 hours this week, which is about my weekly norm. Living like that is not what I’d suggest anyone do. That’s one great American myth since it’s not sustainable.

I’m done with my ranting now.

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After replying to remarkable, I had some old feelings linked to my brother.

The short story is I have avoided correcting men often since (in my head) it might mean they would abandon me. I noticed some discomfort in me, so I hurried to finish my reply. It took about 30 minutes with me revising constantly.

But it seems like attachment destroyer and/or pride unbroken is working. I keep trying to dig out old pain to face it, but it keeps being slippery and going away. That’s new for me.

Still feeling it now. I usually dump a lot of emotion here. I’m not sure what’s happening, but I thought I’d report this.

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Pretty good progress. I wonder what DR Qv2 can do for you.

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Yeah, I’d run it tomorrow morning if it’s available.

Dude, I flagged your reply. Take a hint. Or maybe not. You’re clearly stuck in an out-alpha-ing mindset, which means you fight anyone who doesn’t agree with your ways.

Do that somewhere else. I don’t have time for that.

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I listened to DR first this morning, and since I’d given myself time, I began listening to LDU2. I’m wondering what it’s working on in me. I will find out today.

Note: Even before the exchange above, I’ve felt this growing need to stand up for myself. Like I’ve been quietly pissed at one coworker who thrives on throwing jabs at anyone’s weakness. He’s a real snitch, sharing anything with anyone trying to pump up his sense of importance. I’ve liked the guy, but do I trust him? Not much at all anymore. He has no boundaries on himself.

But that’s progress since even me thinking like this is pretty un-normal.

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Even a little push back can be a signal to yourself to remind yourself to do so, now you have the actual experience recorded inside for reference.

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I am merely pointing out a deficiency in your thinking, nothing alpha about that.

I note you can’t explain what you will learn by continuing to play the game which seems to be your only stated reason for playing it. Why can’t you admit you do it because you enjoy hanging out with friends and doing something unproductive for a few hours on a regular basis. We all have entertainment needs and there is no shame in that.

Do you save money regularly? Do you have any investments in real life? You can’t continue to use the game as a substitute for real life.

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