SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#550

Something else I’ve thought about sharing the last 2 days. This is BIG, and I’ve tried to bury it by ignoring it. It’s a major change and awareness for me.

2 days ago I shared I’d been labeled a black cat when driving the company trucks since they break down often when I drive them. It sat in me. I realized I’ve been sabotaging myself (unconsciously) from being their “go-to” guy. And it showed up while driving my own van yesterday. I realized I was doing similarly to driving for work (I was ignoring stuff routinely), and it scared me.

What’s bothering me is I DON’T WANT TO BE A DRIVER FOR MY COMPANY. I DON’T.

I wonder…why?

It is EVERYTHING opposite of what I’m using subliminals for.

It’s all about staying stuck… or breaking free. The former is louder at work since the main players show nothing more than resignation to playing in the corporate minefield of unrealistic demands. It’s not creating one’s life. It’s submitting to (literally) nothing changing, nothing changing, nothing changing. And public image seems more important than…ahem…making major changes which work.

“Things are messed up? We know.” (Blaming others begins)
“The job wasn’t finished today, so we have to do double tomorrow–and even every day (major denial is active. Root reasons and common sense ignored regularly)”

I am not comfortable with this, as it’s everything I’m trying to change from in my own life. I see decisions that don’t work daily, and I have a choice of accepting them or getting angry about them. The latter is surfacing. And it’s obviously a true reflection of my own journey here.

I don’t want to accept bullshit thinking. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.

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#551

The company I work for is messed up too. How much I care is directly proportional to how much it effects me. I have moved myself into a position where it doesn’t. I just show up on time, do what I’m supposed to do as perfectly as I can, and don’t worry about things I can’t control as long as I get paid on time.
I take pride in my own work, but thats the only thing I have control over. Don’t be hard on yourself because of bad decisions that you can’t influence.

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#552

Wow. Anger arose while chatting online with my trader/miner. I knew he was newer in trading, but asking if I had another 1500 to top it out pissed me off. It would have 4x our profits immediately.

And quite seriously, I’ll share why I’m struggling with it. This is real.

I’m not struggling since he asked for more. “No” works. What really got to me (don’t know why I’m sharing–I was listening to LDU while chatting)–but I realized I looked at him as a financial “savior” of sorts. This comes from a childhood understanding that “someone will save you”. When he asked if I had it, it pissed me off royally since it forced me out of my role of a “weak, needy victim”. Really, that pissed me off. Thinking old ways doesn’t piss me off; feeling forced out of it did. Maybe it was a needed manifestation.

Dang. LD and Forge working in tandem.

I’m not seeking pity. No need. No use. There was no loss of money. It just stirred my junk, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do here anyway. Just writing to see my regular growth amidst the challenges.

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#553

I apologized. This was me pasting old traumas onto him, and I blasted him. I did this.

I had watched a relevant movie today, and it was about a high school student who was a complete dick to everyone, his parents included. He died in a car accident, but came back unexpectedly, and the movie was all about the challenges and choices he had now since he saw so clearly how wrong he had treated people. Apologizing wasn’t enough. He had to take action to show people he had changed.

In a similar manner, I sent my miner/trader some money I had since I’d told him I had some in our discussion. It was twice what I thought I had, and I’ve sent him money many times before while trading. I didn’t/don’t want things remaining the same. I did the harm. I can do differently. So I did something. Regret isn’t something I want to live with.

The other thing the high school kid had to do was forgive himself. I’m there too. I wonder how focused DR is on forgiving oneself. Because that…will change a person’s whole life and focus.

#554

I finally checked flights for vacation in May, and I texted my ex about it so I could come see my daughter. 5 minutes after my ex replied, my daughter texted me.

She sent me a live 6 minute clip of a Celtic performance, and it brought me to tears for some reason. My daughter is like me, and is touched easily by music. She said she had been studying, and after watching it was able to finish her assignment. She said it lifted her spirits.

Sub related: these women are beautiful. I was feeling traces of Primal this morning, thinking “wow” when I saw and imagined me with one of them. I noticed that first old fear of being abandoned by women was not so powerful. This is why I’ve not dated anyone since my divorce 7 years ago. Citing “Pride Unbroken” and tagging @James. It works.

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#555

I’m realizing I’m thinking like I’ve always thought, and that is me taking responsibility for stuff that’s not mine. I’m wearing it like an old coat. I look at my super as he tries to hide his fear (with distance and anger), and I’m like “I know how to play here”, which isn’t helpful. Me playing nice and obedient never works with people who are never happy. I’m just playing an old role I know. I’ll think on this, for my old sponsor had a knack for finding workable solutions while being in familiar situations; he taught me solutions are possible, but I have to look for them. I’ll think of something I can do or say to take that pressure off me.

#556

Something is apparent to me this morning.

I resisted writing here this morning since stuff felt unresolved in me from yesterday. I was in a young mindset, and I knew I wanted to come here seeking a brother. I feel a part of me really wants that. Growing up, I could always depend on my brother, only a year older than me.

But that required I act and believe I was helpless to make changes myself.

I’m listening to DR now, and the battle I faced looking at this wasn’t very strong. In fact, I’m feeling that part of me not holding on so dearly. I’m closer to feeling sad due to letting it go. I felt anxious about facing my super today, but I’m actually feeling DR do its physical relaxing thing on me, and I’m wishing to hide there, at least for this loop. I still feel young, but I’m working with a different set of tools now. Aka, not believing I’m helpless. :slight_smile: This encourages me.

#557

I know this feeling well.

A number of your journals entries have sounded very similar to things I’ve experienced on DR. Thing is, it all felt like it was happening too fast to keep up with so I didn’t journal it.

Keep on keeping on mate!

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#558

Something broke through my mental veil today. Had a growing awareness of some emotional truth in my life, but since tears began coming little by little, I drank some coffee (I was at work). It suddenly wasn’t coming out so rapidly.

It felt like it was pulling down my lies to myself. I have no idea what to expect next.

Edit: More specifically, my veil wasn’t “pulled down”. I clearly remember it just dropping down. Like it wanted to be down.

I remember questioning how long I’ve held up fronts here. For example, instead of me just saying what’s going on, I write like a present-day news reporter, trying to engage people with suspense and drama. Truth isn’t very dramatic often, and I feared rejection. What I realized is that I reject me when I do that. Things like that I was seeing and feeling.

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#559

Since running a second loop of DR last night, I chose to hold off this morning. My mind’s still processing that loop.

I’m feeling like nervous, like I’ve been holding a weight up for so long. I’ve survived by doing this, but it’s killing me now, inside. I’m feeling again like I want to drop this resistance to feeling it again. Like I continuously imagining letting it out, tears and all. I’ve used fear for a long time to stop it. This is the battle I’m facing right now: Yes! no. Yes! maybe…no.

My habit has been to avoid success here, and I also keep seeing myself failing and feeling bad, both in the past and in the future. My mind is trying to protect itself.

Controlling it is not the answer.

#560

I have been feeling some of the same feelings on EoG stage 1. I have started to do acceptance meditations and really let that pain and suffering in, almost say to your mind “I can take more, come at me” until I am fully immersed in thise feelings, eventually it builds to a boiling point where the pain is so fierce that it is all there is. Then it will dissapate on its own once I have completely accepted it. This cycle happens many times throughout the day. I hope this might help you.

#561

@Pyro, I’ve been wary of creating pain in myself. I’m really not sure what I want presently. It’s in part due to a post I read here today. I’m stewing on that presently and will post it below. But thank you for sharing how you cope with your own pain. Sharing it openly is gold. Thank you for having courage to do so.

#562

Damn. I read a post in @COWolfe’s journal midday. I could absolutely relate. Then @remarkable replied, and he called it quite accurately.

What do I get out of speaking poorly of myself?
Why do I seek other’s acceptance more than my own?
Why do I try to go down in life, even when good is happening?
Why would I moan about this shit constantly?
WHY?

I’ve gotten attention from it. Good attention, bad attention, it’s really never mattered. It fed the little self-esteem I had. I was 19 when I began counselling, and I changed from one turning my pain into something good in my 20’s to…keeping the focus on my pain in my 40’s. Nothing else. 'Why not girls? Success? Anything else? I’ve RARELY given such attention to other things. I rarely felt good enough to even pursue such things. But also, I knew pursuing the others was lying to myself. I didn’t want those things.

I sound like a certified narcissist.

Shit. Damn. I’ve done it to keep me a needy victim in other people’s eyes. “Poor me” allowed me to avoid growing up. I was able to feel and act young (or immature) around others. I used it whether alone or with others. It’s been my “default” setting. Oh poor me (needy eyes, low self-esteem, no direction and vulnerable to other’s wants and needs).

I wrestled imagining sharing this today. I felt like such a phony here. I was disgusted with everything I’ve done. I imagined coming and deleting a bunch of recent posts.

I wonder “what is growth…for me?” I just don’t know at this moment.

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#563

What DO you want? I’m having a bit of trouble with that myself. I’m trying to figure out what I do want in life rather than just figuring out about all the stuff I don’t. That might come later in the dragon ride, but definitely worth thinking about.

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#564

What I’ve wanted for so long I’ve been achieving. It’s been to feel like a small boy while acting like I’ve grown around others. And going right along with that has been a motivation to hide from others, hide from situations and people reminding me that I should change.

I wrote that, then stepped back. My mom lived the exact same way. Fucked up beliefs and thinking she was helpless to change from it. I’m not sure…but maybe. Ok. When I thought of my mom, I felt like that little boy. And I also felt that devotion to her as only a child might feel. I thought “she is my life”, so I protected and modeled her. As long as she was safe, I believed I was doing a good job. However, she never acknowledged this. I wanted to be “known” by her, which is why when I receive attention from others, there’s always some disappointment since that space is never filled.

@COWolfe, I’m seeking something that I’ve simultaneously buried year after year. I wanted my mom’s attention and love. And even as I write, an anger surfaces. Where was she? I believed I wasn’t loveable.

This isn’t over. I was open this morning. I’ve got to get ready for work now though.

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#565

Listening to LDU2 right now. I read @Tomcat’s reply in the v2 upgrade thread about it resolving a old problem of his, so I’m using it now. I listened to 2 loops of ElixerU last night with DR sandwiched in between, and I felt safe enough to be myself more today. I drove alone today, and there were tears early on while listening to music, with anger later. My super seemed to keep calling me–and I have to stop to call him back. Asshole. I’ll talk to him tomorrow morning about it. For a super, that’s plain ignorant since using our phones while driving is a clear no with punitive measures enforced if caught.

Some might call what I’ve shared lately as recon, but I’ll disagree. If recon is seeing your shit in every waking moment, then recon only happens on healing subs. And that’s not true. I shared my shit so I’d look at it, exactly as I wrote, question it, feel what emotions were touched, and even observe my trained reactions. Writing it takes some power out it. Living in noncongruence with myself is also why I write. I ask “what IS the truth in this? What do I REALLY believe?” I don’t really think so orderly when doing it, it just feels releasing while owning it on digital paper.

It’s not easy, but I’ve spent a LOT of time on less powerful healing subs, and strangely enough, I welcome this. I’d rather find what’s really motivating me and pushing me–and end it, replace it, or maybe reframe it. I’ve really not wanted to deal with this shit without tools. I found some here, so that’s why I share here.

End of my defensive rant.

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#566

LDU did something in me. It popped me out of my resentful, stuck-on-self mode. I got up, made something to eat, and am going to take a shower now.

I’ve been coming home for weeks, and basically just lying down, writing here, then passing out. Dinner has not been regular for me lately, as I’ve felt too emotionally exhausted to even eat. I don’t like sleeping with a full stomach. That hurts.

I may do a second loop after showering.

#567

Listening to Rebirth Ultima v.1. Saint answered my question years back about subs that would handle the victim mentality, and this was his reply:

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#568

I’m with you there. I find that writing this stuff down in detail really helps me to solidify it in my mind and that seems to be instrumental in changing it.

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#569

That’s exactly how I process it too.