Well said. I can relate to this, especially on my present job. There’s a belief that “if I’m perfect, I’ll be loveable.” But even small mistakes I brood over. When things go downhill, I only see more bad coming my way.
Thanks for being so vivid in your writings. I get it.
Intriguing insight. Wow! There are so many things you are noticing mate! This is awesome!
Well this was an interesting day. Our sump pump had died last week. I got our home warranty company to set an appointment to get it replaced. No problem. Unfortunately, just before I left today, the roommate noticed that the basement was starting to flood. It wasn’t bad. Yet. I called again, and they were able to get us an emergency appointment at a considerably higher price.
Now the first thought that flashed across my mind was “oh damn it, as soon as we get some money, something happens to take it away, (not all of it)”. That was immediately replaced with “wow, this happened at the right time when we could handle it, what good luck.”. And that one had more feeling behind it.
There was a police perimeter preventing me from getting into work due to a really bad incident. I’m emergency response personnel for the government, so I can get past. What I noticed was how confident and assured my communication was with the female cop blocking the road. Very deep voice, strong eye contact attitude of talking to an equal. Which wouldn’t have been true a year ago. She had two things going for her that would have made me act nervous and low status. She was a cop, and she was Hot. I probably shouldn’t have noticed that last part given how terrible the situation was, but I did.
I have noticed that too. I interpret that as a significant change has been made in the subconscious because it was automatic and because of the intensity of feeling.
I won’t hold against you mate.
I respect how consistently you journal. I have been inconsistent because so much seems to be happening so fast in my head I feel like I can’t keep up. Right on mate!
Why do alkies continue to drink, why do druggies continue to do drugs, why do the homelesss continue to be homeless, why does anybody with something that fucks up their life continue to do it?
Because they get something out of it.
Whatever that something is it is hard to explain what it is and is difficult to pin down how they benefit, but benefit in some way they surely do.
Good luck.
Good point. This is the same thing, but a bit different in that the feeling of being drunk and high are separate from the consequences. What I’m realizing is that I felt good about the bad feelings themselves.
Guilty. I saw this, and I’ve been aware lately that I keep doing the same damn things over and over. They make me feel like shit, so I stood back and wondered why. Almost immediately I knew. I’ll share this in my own journal. Thank you for pointing this out @remarkable
I woke up this afternoon and ran Oral Board Ultima for the first time. I’m not sure what I’m noticing at this point.
The wife woke up feeling frisky, so I decided to indulge her after my loop. I was commanding during, just telling her what I wanted, not hinting or suggesting. She actually seemed to like that. A lot.
The &/&
sump pump stopped working again, so I called the place that had installed it yesterday. Before this would have made me angry and afraid that we’d be charged more money. Today, I was pretty sure they’d fix it for free since they’d installed it yesterday. I was right. The tech came out, and we found that it was a very simple problem and easily resolved.
Yesterday, I mentioned that I recognized that there was a good feeling wrapped in the bad ones that I used to constantly torture myself with through my actions and through bringing them up in my mind.
I am talking about the habit I had of thinking about a real or imaginary incident and it bringing up strong emotion. I got something out of the anger ones, the loss ones focused on exes, the frustration ones that focused on my situation and “inability” to move forward in life ditto for the despair woe is me and the fearful ones.
I didn’t get anything out of the most distressing type. Embarrassment and humiliation. I used to think of incidents where I did something that either did or could have embarrassed me. I’d feel absolutely mortified when this happened even if I hadn’t thought much of whatever it was at the time. You know, the feeling in the chest coupled with wanting to crawl into a hole and die.
That was ALL bad. There was no reward wrapped in that pain sandwich. It seemed less controllable too. It just happened, and I couldn’t stop or redirect it like I could the others.
Heres the thing. Somewhere on my subliminal journey in the last four years, it stopped happening. I do not remember the last time that happened. If I had to guess, it’s been at least a year and probably more.
My guess as to why that is gone while the rage and martyr complex thought patterns continue to hang on is because I was getting nothing out of it so my subconscious didn’t try to hold on to it and the subs were able to remove it.
Since DR I’ve noticed less worry and catastrophizing.
A LOT less.
Matter of fact, I pretty much don’t catastrophize anymore. I am aware of things that could go wrong, but I have a more realistic assessment of them. They might be bad, but none of them are the end of the world. I had been causing myself a LOT more stress than I needed to over all kinds of things that might or might not happen. If they do, I can handle it. I’m not wasting energy on dreading the future anymore.
I noticed when I got up that in the last few weeks, a LOT of the negative thought patterns that I’ve had for damn ever have just disappeared. Even those rage fantasies I’ve talked about haven’t happened at all for quite a while.
Looking at it, I can say that I no longer think negatively at all. I’m in an odd kind of neutral position now. While I’m no longer negative, I’m not really positive either. The dread of what might happen is gone, but it hasn’t really been replaced with positive anticipation of good things that might happen yet. That’s what I want to have happen. If I’m reading things right, I think I’ll see that starting on stage three.
I’ve been semi-absent lately. This is a custom?
Yep, to help with the specific type of panel interview I deal with.
Once again, I easily remembered to run an errand after getting off work. This might not sound like much, but I’ve had a lot of trouble doing that in the past. I’d start thinking about something else and it would just get lost. That would happen with a lot of things. Now, I’m a lot more, call it, mentally congruent and focused in the long term.
My four year old is being more obedient to me. Matter of fact he started saying “yes sir” when I tell him to do something (and usually actually doing it). I’ve never told him to do that. That’s usually not how I parent.
My guess is the less negativity and conflict in your head, the more room for other things.
I was thinking it was the QL lite in Emperor. Might be both though.
It might be both.
These are deep, profound insights man!
I think the Dragon is helping you.
If you’re feeling a bit fatigued from the discomfort, I understand. It’s only been in the past week or so that my energy is coming back from all the healing I’ve done.